Spirituality?

[tnvol6]

Let me preface this by saying that this question is out of curiosity only. Not trying to ruffle feathers here at all. Im happy to hear any opinion.

My faith is very important to me and I sort of lost it when I was with my ex BPD.

Early on in our relationship we talked about making God a part of our relationship and that made me happy. I see now that that could have been mirroring. I do believe, based on conversations we had over the years that there is a desire for a relationship with the divine, though she has never actively pursued it.

My question us about whether any of you had a partner that was devoted to a religion in a healthy way. I read posts here and it doesn't seem to come up much. Anyone have any insight? 

[Rose Tiger]

My Ex is a believer and so am I.  You know the saying, you know them by their fruit.  He could walk the talk around other people and put on a pretty good show.  But then, after going to the same church with me for 5 years, he decided he didn't like the worship leader's hair and that was it, he quit going and started biking by himself on Sunday mornings.  It was the one remaining thing we still did together, after that we did nothing as a couple.  It was pretty sad. 

I think in a way he became an idol because I was so obsessed with his moods.  On a positive, some Sunday mornings he would be in a surly mood on the way to church but walking out I could tell he felt so much better.  Was very thankful for those times.

[spratrbo]

This is a tough one because you are asking a Christian question on a board that is secular, which from what I have observed so far, gives sound but secular advice.

From my own experience I am realizing my wife has been riding on my coat tails spiritually speaking. About a month ago in the middle of an argument because she closed our bank account and stole $1000, I just had to change direction and ask, "Are you saved?"  She just gave this long pause and said, "I don't know... .I guess that's up to God." I was in shock having rededicated our lives 8 years ago, but now so many pieces of this puzzle are coming together. I do not have the room here to tell my own story, but I am over a year now separated from my wife and now in divorce proceedings. But throughout this God has wanted me to hang in there and has guided me. It's getting old, but it's only by the grace of God that I still have the strength. But I recognize that when I married my wife I made a covenant through health and sickness... .well here we are and my wife is sick.

I don't expect most people to understand this and most will say "move on". Perhaps that is what I will eventually be told by God to do. But for now I try to love my wife just as God loves us... .unconditionally. That doesn't mean I have to take abuse, but for me it's about having the compassion to continue to love.

But something critical here that I am hoping you can glean from all I've written. I don't know about your ex, but my wife was sexually abused, plus she has a father that is very distant and unsupportive... .two key environmental components to BPD. I think the concept of "God" is difficult for my wife. A personal relationship? Why? Why have a personal relationship with "a father" that allowed this to happen to me? Where is the love in that? How is that love?  And so how I view God is much different than her. I know she views all man as people that are out to hurt her.

Recently I felt the Holy Spirit guide me to show love again by sending her a book called, "23 minutes in Hell" by Bill Wiese. I don't know why or where this is going to go, but I just keep trying to obey and do what I believe I'm asked to do. And I continue to pray, just as I hope you are. But Rose Tiger is right in that we are known by our fruit. It comes down to that personal relationship... .we don't do "good things" and act a certain way to prove ourselves to God, but rather done out of reverence and love for God.  So if I can encourage you... .pray for your ex because in the end whether sick or healthy, we will still have to give an account for ourselves.  Hope that is what you were looking for.

[GlennT]

God will enter any heart, and care for them who are consistent and sincere in loving Him. The good, the bad, and the mentally ill. God also see's our behavior behind closed doors, and will judge us. There are also beautiful doctrines of repentence and forgiveness God has given us. We are not to judge. We are told to simply shake the dust off our feet and move on. Also some religions will tell you that you can never divorce. This is not true. Nowhere in God's Bible does it say divorce is an unforgivable sin. As for knowing them by their fruits, Jesus came here to love the sinners too, but we are not as strong as Jesus and must protect ourselves and our good fruit all we can. You are taught to separate the wheat from the chaff to live and grow...

[bpdspell]

But I recognize that when I married my wife I made a covenant through health and sickness... .  well here we are and my wife is sick.

I don't expect most people to understand this and most will say "move on". Perhaps that is what I will eventually be told by God to do. But for now I try to love my wife just as God loves us... .  unconditionally. That doesn't mean I have to take abuse, but for me it's about having the compassion to continue to love.

No one on here has the right to tell you to move on from your wife. I think it's quite noble to love your wife unconditionally. But what about your needs? I loved my BPD ex with my heart, mind, body and soul until I was on empty. It wasn't unconditional but I certainly poured into him way more than he could ever give to me and I was resentful. Eventually I became embittered. It seemed like the more I gave the less he respected me. It was almost as if he resented me for having such little respect for myself... .  

The spiritual realm does help me to understand unconditional love more. My love was conditional and when it wasn't reciprocated I felt the injustice of it all. I will always love my ex; but accepting that he was incapable of mature reciprocal love has been the battle of my life. There aren't too many people on this earth who can truly love unconditionally or be their own personal version of Jesus... .  

Loving a person with BPD makes it even that much more difficult.

Spell

[Blessed0329]

Tnvol, my ex (currently trying to recycle a relationship with me) is an ordained minister, and is at this time the senior pastor of a small church. We met when he worked for me a few years ago. He left my employ to return to pastoring partly to run away from me and what looked like an impending affair.

Regarding his spirituality, he is definitely a bible scholar, a gifted preacher, and a great church administrator. But he has struggled since returning to full time ministry because it is hars to hide this disorder on such a small setting, and he had not been able to do so. Also, while religion with clear rules and guidelines saved him ad much as the Lord did, IMO, his faith is very dependent on following a long list of do's and dont's. It makes him come across as unhappy and joyless, and this is running people off. Maybe all of this is contributing to why he is now trying to reconnect with me.

[daybreak]

I have looked at the spiritual aspect of BPD very closely and could write much... .  but as already stated, this is probably not the place... .  but I will say this.  Of course there are those with BPD that are spiritual or religious on varying levels depending on the person.  While anyone (nons) that are  religious will struggle with different issues too... .  none of us are even close to perfect, but BPD  struggles will be greatly magnified and difficult compared to the rest of us, thus their lives are continually unstable or even in shambles from time to time.  I'm not giving them a "pass" at all... .  I'm just saying... .  

[myself]

My ex knew a lot about a lot of different beliefs and religions, didn't call herself anything specific, but when it comes down to it, no matter which group you want to throw in with, if you're not walking the talk you're not really living it, are you? She didn't live it.

[Rose Tiger]

Who knows, with such a lack of self and the inability to self reflect... .  it would be hard to make a commitment of faith.  I think that severely autistic children are accepted based on mercy and their level of ability.  I tend to hope it would be the same for ex.  I leave that up to God since He's the only one that can see into his heart and what he is capable of in that regard.

I stayed with ex a long time past what a lot of people would stay.   It came to a point of accepting that he wasn't going to work on his issues and it was destroying my health being under so much stress.  I could only save one of us.  There is a saying, death and life are in the power of the tongue.  Lots of truth in that.

[tnvol6]

I appreciate all your feedback. I do understand that this is a secular board so I appreciate the responses I got. I'm more curious than anything. Thank you

[Happy_bird_now]

My ex knew my faith and my religion was one of the most important aspects of my life. Technically, she was of the same religion. However, over time, she tried to change my views to "how she thought" things should be. When I would leave her home to go to mass, she would initially come. However, it got to the point where I'd have to sacrifice my time to be with her and do jack squat. I'd end up going to mass the next day and she would repeatedly test the crap out of me.

Over a short period of time I questioned if I was the insane one. Maybe what I believe was false? Maybe she was right? Little did I know that she was slowly taking me away from the most important part of my life. My God and my own family.

It seriously was a miracle that our split happened. She came back from out of town, we got In a fight over some very strong beliefs (adultery).

Then I left her. She came to my house. I called the police and EMS. She went to ther ER. We met initially at a hospital. The year plus long dragging of my soul into hell ended at the hospital. I have NO doubt god heardy cries for help and saw me destroying myself with her.

I have now been even stronger in what I believe, why I believe, and who I really believe in.

This whole thing knocked me on my knees and left me scarred. But in the end, I have become closer to my religion and my faith.

God bless And don't ever give up

[FoolishOne]

My dBPDw is deeply religious... .  fundamentalist to be exact... .  In fact, recently she's added abstinence from alcohol and secular music.  I've read that maybe that appeals to BPD's... .  it provides an escape for their horrible sins and the human wreakage they've caused... .  The absolution and forgiveness "cleanses" them of all wrong-doing.

It also provides, yet another opportunity for her to find fault with others; specifically her husband who has not yet risen to her "level".

Further, since religion is a deeply personal belief, it's up for interpretation, so she can manipulate her beliefs as they fit her.

Either way, it has become yet another stumbling block that adds to the heap of stumbling blocks that impeded any progress in this failed relationship.

One of the big concerns that I've always had about leaving her, was that I'd be replaced almost immediately in bed.  Now, that she has placed herself on such a high pedastal, it may become more difficult for her to become promiscuous, since her take on marriage, that she preaches to her girls in Sunday School class, is that pre-marital sex is wrong.

I know that BPD's find a way to get their needs met, regardless of it's legitimacy, but it is the only thing I will have to go on once we are through.

Of course, the bigger picture is that I should not care what she does or who she does it with after I'm gone.  That will be the true litmus test of my recovery from this train wreck.

Regardless tnvol6, knowing what I know thus far about the BPD condition, I would find any and all religious belief from them to be suspect and self-serving.  They honestly believe whatever they say, but essentially, it is always a survival technique tro be sure.

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