My BPD girlfriend is leaving me again

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

exgf,

it is not your fault! don't blame yourself for the situation.

It's unfortunate circumstances do not look to assign blame to yourself or your ex.

Time will give you perspective on the relationship. I understand how you feel.  Parting company with a BPD, is like a death.  It is sudden and final.

[Oneneatguy]

exgf,

it is not your fault! don't blame yourself for the situation.

It's unfortunate circumstances do not look to assign blame to yourself or your ex.

Time will give you perspective on the relationship. I understand how you feel.  Parting company with a BPD, is like a death.  It is sudden and final.

[tryingtogetit]

indeed exgf, you're the normal one!

You're just so used to get blamed that you learned to take it on without question.

Do learn more and more about BPD because it will teach you how you have been manipulated and brainwashed.

You've been used and abused. You've been too caring, that's you're only doing.

It will get better. It will take time but it will get better.

[TheRealSully]

Exgf.  I'm curious how it went for you.  I haven't been on here in a while because I went through divorce, nastiness and found out so many horrible, nasty things mine was doing it was sick.  She was 180 degrees the opposite person from who I married 10 years ago.

Anyway, how did you make out?  Are you feeling better? 

You know what works great?  Just getting out there and talking to girls.  Seriously.  I met a younger, more attractive version of my ex wife that is more into traveling and stuff than my ex wife.  She is also sane.  It is too early, but what a help for the ego and getting over the ex. 

I highly suggest looking around.  There are WAY better women out there than one with BPD. 

I plan to ship mine a book on BPD (she knows she has a serious psychological problem, it was just misdiagnosed for 10 years).  I hope the book helps her to get help and feel better.  But... .  that's all I can do. 

You  may have to realize that too.  You have done all you can.  She is broken, messed up, beyond reach (in my case) and it starts to become time to focus on you, after so many years of focusing on her. 

Best of luck.  I hope we hear the outcome.

[exgf]

Well it's a little better now. I'm still upset however, I am not crying as much. I keep calling her phone number however It is disconnected. I keep emailing her repeatedly. However, she never answers. I guess she does not want anything to do with me. Which is really hard for me.  I really loved her. I also really loved her daughter like it was my own daughter. That's the worst part is that I don't get to see the little girl anymore. That's what really gets me upset every time. She really caused me a lot of pain.

I have not even started trying to date other people. I don't even know how to do that. She was the only girl for me. The only one I've ever dated and the only one I've ever wanted to date.

I'm glad your out finding new love. I hope you find a loving woman that makes you happy. Not one With that BPD madness.

[TheRealSully]

That sounds positive, Exgf.

You are just a few weeks behind me.  I sure haven't found any love at all.  Just a diversion for a moment to take my mind off my exWIF. 

So get this.  Today, the divorce papers come in. 

It's been weeks since she also hasn't returned any txts, any calls, any emails.  Same exact thing as yours. 

Well, I get a text today saying, "The papers came in.  It's OFFICIAL! We are finally divorced! " 

That was the absolute worst thing anyone can do.  I was so angry today that she was just gloating over it all.  That is when I really started to think just how bad BPD is.  Imagine... .  someone who gave you nothing but love and you go and just rub salt in the wound like that.  Unreal. 

Be careful yours doesn't do some similar thing. 

Our stories are exactly the same.  I'm not finding new love at all.  I was just trying to get my mind off the only girl in the world for me too.  I was just seeing if there were other girls out there and there sort of are... .    I hope. 

But hang in there and try to figure out who you are.  That has been my new struggle being a couple weeks ahead of you in this mess.  Figuring yourself out after giving 10 years of your life to a heartless btch (thanks to BPD) is not easy.  Especially when she takes half your money, in my case. 

I'm so angry at her I can barely control my temper.  I guess hating someone at this level (when it was pure love until today) does help you move on.  Here's to hate, here's to figuring yourself out and here's to hoping you end up striking up a conversation with another lady at some point who just reminds you that there are decent women on the planet.  I know my faith was pretty well shaken.  May still be.

[FoolishOne]

exgf... .  all you have to do is read my post on the topic "Can't get over her sexiness".  I think it says it all... .  my advice... .  run before you become what I became.

F1

[TheRealSully]

Yes, run run run!  Everyone comes to that conclusion after a while.

[exgf]

WOW! "FoolishOne "

That's one crazy BPD relationship you were in. In your case most definitely run. I am not at the running stage yet. I am not sure if I have codependent issues or not. However, I really do love her and her daughter. I don't want to lose them both. I am currently painted black right now and have not heard from her in a month. So I guess I don't have to run. Unless she calls me. However, I am sure that will not happen for a while seeing that she is getting married supposedly.

[TheRealSully]

exGF:  You have got to move on.  I love my wife as much as I did the entire time we were married, but my wife is now dead.

There is no trace of her left inside the disgusting person she has turned into overnight.  

Plus, she built a huge wall (well, her CC personality did), so that I can't get through to rescue the real personality and bring her out of this huge episode.  

I suspect yours is doing the exact same thing.  As dependent as both you and me are (she was the other half of my being), your girlfriend is also dead.  

It's a good way to look at it actually.  The person you were in love with died.  Mine died too.  They aren't coming back, they are dead now.  

It's a tremendous loss, but it is actually easier to cope with (IMO) to have a spouse die than to go through the BPD rollercoaster.  Just file her under "dead" and you will end up being able to recover better.  Works for me anyway.

[FoolishOne]

Dead is not a bad way to look at it.  Now I just need to get an annulment from my dead wife and have her sign the joint tax return.

F1

[exgf]

Dead! Wow does that actually work? Unless you have to get signature or tax bs  . I am still not at that stage. I guess I have glimmer of hope that she might come back. So I just keep active and hope one day she will come back. She really screwed me up this time.

[exgf]

Today is just a long day of work! I have my brain focusing on the exgf and not my job. Which is not good or healthy. I guess I have to focus. However, it is so hard to do that with your brain all over the place.

[LostSunshine]

Today is just a long day of work! I have my brain focusing on the exgf and not my job. Which is not good or healthy. I guess I have to focus. However, it is so hard to do that with your brain all over the place.

Try doing that when you listen to the radio at work and get triggered by certain songs that come on.  I used to lose it regularly at work for a while there.  Its usually worse when you don't have a lot of work to take your mind off it.  I'm with you on that! 

[TheRealSully]

Today is just a long day of work! I have my brain focusing on the exgf and not my job. Which is not good or healthy. I guess I have to focus. However, it is so hard to do that with your brain all over the place.

I'm a couple weeks ahead of you, but I'm having the same problem.  All of a sudden, I am realizing I can't go on without her.  My life absolutely sucks without her.  I am sitting here in a very nice boutique hotel in Miami Beach right now.  There is a wine tasting and art exhibit later tonight, after some work I have to do.

I cannot enjoy ANY of this without my wife (ex wife).  Nothing in life seems fun without her around.  Nothing.  I am in a word of hurt.  I hope your progress is better than mine, exGF.  I talked a big game a week or two ago, but I am backsliding. 

I sent her emails and texts over the past couple of days trying to get through to her.  I invited her to this nice hotel on the beach to come have fun tonight.  It's the kind of thing she really likes.  No response.

I can't even enjoy it by myself and I'm doing very badly.  I just want my wife back now. Enough. 

I really hope you don't get to this stage, exgf.  I hope you are stronger than I am.  I am losing my battle... .  

[tryingtohelp]

Hello exgf

I have read all your posts and can identify with much of what you say.   For people who haven't experienced the magic of a BPD relationship ( the good parts ) they simply are not able to empathise or comprehend what it is like , what keeps us addicted.  I have been in a relationship with my S.O. for 5 years now , but I have chosen not to live with her as I have had so many painful experiences that I know it would be a disaster to live with her, she too has a small child and I am attached to him as well, and she has the power to take that away anytime she wants to.

It is probably for the best that you are not married to her. For her a marriage to you would not mean she would stay with you and the hurt would be worse than you are having to endure now.

I am sure that even though you are going through severe pain at the moment, it is not over with her, the new guy will make the simple mistake of being normal and will disappoint her in some way, and as sure as night follows day, she will dump him too  LOL.  Even if she marries him  ( which probably won't happen )  If you still want her in your life , just hang in there for now, wait by the sideline , let her know you still want to be there for her, she won't dump you. 

A big warning bell for me is the number of people who need to get therapy to deal with their BPD other, this says how bad it all really is, as normal healthy relationships shouldn't need therapy. With a BPD relationship it is all one long stress-go-round.   

We all have our own needs from any relationship, but in my case I have found the more stable solution is not to actually live with her but to have as much time with her as we can comfortably arrange in between, she comes and stays and we do fun things together and when she's had enough she goes home.

Even when we're together she often texts or calls some other guy, she is attractive and has several other guys in the background all the time ! I love hearing her say how much she loves me , but I am forever aware this can change at any time when she discovers some new guy full of promise! I love her but she is a disaster zone.

I can't imagine life without her though, it is so hard, but as all the others on here will tell you, take care of yourself first, and spend some time with some normal people and try to get some enjoyment elsewhere and I'm sure she will come back to you .

Good luck friend.   

[exgf]

The real sully chin up. I know your pain. tryingtohelp Says we just have to wait on the sidelines. Which really does suck. I'm really hurt from my BPDexgf. It really does suck to cause so much pain to me. And I love her and she does not care. I don't understand this. Why are they so mean. Why do the cause so much pain for everyone around them. The worst part is that I write and call her hope that she might come back to me.

[TheRealSully]

The real sully chin up. I know your pain. tryingtohelp Says we just have to wait on the sidelines. Which really does suck. I'm really hurt from my BPDexgf. It really does suck to cause so much pain to me. And I love her and she does not care. I don't understand this. Why are they so mean. Why do the cause so much pain for everyone around them. The worst part is that I write and call her hope that she might come back to me.

You and me both, my friend.  I thought I was going to move on, but it isn't happening.  I am hoping she comes back out of this one, like she has in the past. 

Mine also... .  I love her more than the Earth and she doesn't seem to care.  But who knows?  Because just like you, I am texting, emailing, and getting the big nothing.

In the long run, do you think you will tire of it and give up, or do you think you will keep trying as long as it takes?

Are you able to wait on the sidelines?  Have you stopped contacting yours?

[exgf]

Please don't leave me! You are my whole world.

Every single day I email, text and call. I miss her so much. However, I don't know how long I can handle this sideline stuff. Went to a bar to meet someone but honestly I did not know how to do it and left.

[TheRealSully]

Please don't leave me! You are my whole world.

Every single day I email, text and call. I miss her so much. However, I don't know how long I can handle this sideline stuff. Went to a bar to meet someone but honestly I did not know how to do it and left.

You know what?  At least you did go out for a moment.  That is a good thing, just because you ended up doing something outside your comfort zone.  A distraction.   I also can't imagine any relationship with anyone else at this point.  How could it possibly compare, right?

Exgf:  I don't know if getting through is a good thing.  I just got through!  I posted this in another thread.  The secret for me was to call her right up and be as sweet as can be.  That got me through.   She didn't pick up, but I left a voicemail that was very nice.  I asked her about meeting up in February as friends like she said we'd do.  I did it in a very friendly and nice tone that snapped her right out of BPD for her response.  I'm always able to snap her out of it if I can get access to her in person.  That's how my marriage lasted 10 years.  I got through to "C", my wife, and not just "Crazy C", her alter ego.  But, it seems the two have become one reading her response.  I think I am out forever based on this.  So... .    your mileage may vary when you actually do get through.

 Here is what I got in response to my asking her about meeting up soon:


We are now officially divorced. I am moving on with my life.

I wish you all the best,  but please,  please,  leave me alone. I am thru with us.

Go and do great things and succeed,  however,  you will be doing them on your own.  

This isn't crazy C,  but C.  Please understand,  we are over.

Good bye.  


Although the response is more than devastating, see how nice she was?  That is probably what your exGF is like too, I'm assuming.  You know... .  when you can break through the BPD and reach her?  

Now I have no idea what to do.  I still want her back, but it looks pretty bad if that is real C talking.  It sure sounds like real C.  Still no closure, but at least she was nice enough to be kind and respond like that.  I got through, but do you really want to get through and get something like this?  

Tough call on that.  I guess the upside is you find out exactly where you stand.

[tryingtohelp]

Exgf

Every single day I email, text and call. I miss her so much. However, I don't know how long I can handle this sideline stuff. Went to a bar to meet someone but honestly I did not know how to do it and left

I understand this urge, and used to do this as well, whenever she gave me the 'silent treatment' , ( which still happens for the smallest reason) I have found it more productive to simply not chase her in any way, just get on with other things and resist all urges to contact her.  She will wonder why you have suddenly stopped, and you will most likely hear from her then.   I hate it when she ( my BPD so ) gives me the silent treatment,  it is one of her main weapons, and it has the effect of leaving me feeling will I ever hear from her again? this is why it affects me so much, but I find that if I just ignore her and take the power away from her by making her less relevant she eventually gets in touch again.  Pleading with her and telling her she's your whole world is also telling her how much power she has over you unfortunately.  Play computer games or go to a good movie with someone else , anything to get your mind off her a bit.  Don't be 'needy' with her , don't pressure her, let her go and she will get in touch I'm sure.

[Mike_confused]

All:

Have any or many of you experienced your BPD wife/gf/SO flip-flop with divorce threats?   I have had it many times in 3 years - the threats leave me speechles and then she drops it within a day or two, until the next time.  She is at it again, and has said she wanted a divorce.  I said fine.  Part of me hopes she means it, and the other part expects her to reconsider since she has not had gainful employment since a year before our marriage.

These threats of divorce usually followed the "do you know what's wrong with you?" speech which always sent me over the edge.   If she was really mad she said she was going to go have sex with another man, being the good born-again-Christian woman that she is.  She always told me after that those were threats to get my attention.  I still wonder... .  

She constantly claims I neglect her - I think that if I was gone occassionally I would not have tolerated her this long.

What is the group experience with threats of divorce, given the BPD's irrational fear of abandonment?

[Mike_confused]

As a follow on to my post above... .  I have not seen her in 6 days... .  I left and went to my camp after she told me how evil I was and then punched me in the face.   Had a few texts - all very cold.

I refuse to contact her any more; its now an academic exercise to me to see how long it takes her.   My guess is next Wednesday - payroll.  I have never used direct deposit... .  

[exgf]

Be careful of that hitting stuff. That's not good at all. If you hit back for sure your going to jail and as a guy you are guilty! Let me repeat this you are a guy you are guilty and will go to jail. Careful that's really is a bad relationship if she's hitting you. Not healthy.

[Mike_confused]

The times she has hit me I leave immediately.   She has admitted to her therapist that she does it.  I wonder if the therapist has assembled any pieces of the puzzle.

[exgf]

I don't know if she did or did not admit it to the therapist.  However,  I think their is patient confidentiality so what ever she says I don't think he can defend you on court. And most likely the only story therapist hears is that it is all your fault.

Hitting is bad! If you loose your cool you will go to jail. Being a guy you are automatically guilty. No matter how much stuff she does to you.

[exgf]

And assault is a felony that will hunt you for years to come. If you apply for job or background check. Be careful!

[exgf]

I'm sorry about your wife. I'm sure it is very painful. Then you throw kids in the mix and it makes it that more complicated. I've been struggling with BPDgf for years and it's usually really great or really painful. I miss the great times together and dread the bad times. I love my BPD partner with all my heart. However, she does not care. She runs over it all the time. It's so painful to experience.

I went down to her work to talk to her today. However, she did not want to stick around. She talked to me then left. I guess she is still engaged to the new guy. I keep calling and emailing hoping she might come back. The life of loving a BPD partner.