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Author Topic: Did your BPD just fit right in to your life?  (Read 4942 times)
Seahorse1
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« on: December 30, 2012, 06:51:07 PM »

I have been thinking about all the reasons I put up with the chaos of my BPD relationship and one of them is how happy and willing he was to just accept and fit into my life.

I literally made no sacrifices, compromises, nothing... .

He just fit right in... .He loved my pets, my home, my interests... .

For those of us who are old enough to have established lifestyles, homes, pets, children etc... .It's not easy for a couple to meld their lives usually... .

I think that is one ( of many) reasons why we get hooked on our BPD person... .

They just fit right in our sweet little lives... .

It's just sad they can never be at peace and make it work
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myself
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« Reply #1 on: December 30, 2012, 07:04:55 PM »

Yes, it happened here. All my stuff was wonderful, the food I cooked, music I liked, the pet, the dreams, the place, everything. I wasn't pushing it on her, but sharing who I was and where I am in life. She said she wanted to stay forever! We've also seen the other side of this where everything that once was liked is now despised, and is the stuff that we do wrong, etc. The BPD perspective is very convoluted. Consistently inconsistent.
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Seahorse1
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« Reply #2 on: December 30, 2012, 07:10:48 PM »

Among many many things. This scares me about future relationships... .There is no way that my life is the perfect fit in every way for some one else... .

I just can't imagine it... .

My god, he even bought a boat for me cus I like boating!
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meditator

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« Reply #3 on: December 30, 2012, 07:38:58 PM »

Only superficially, she didn't want to meet any of my friends.  This was a big red flag, I certainly felt the unhealthy effects of her wanting to isolate me, and irrational rages and jealousy over things like me attending social drinks with my boss and team members after work - even though she was thousands of miles away, she gave me the silent treatment for it!
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Ex-Vamp-Slayer
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« Reply #4 on: December 30, 2012, 07:59:15 PM »

It is amazing how quickly she moved in and made herself at home in my world, but just as quickly did she move in did she move out and on to her next relationship. I thought she cared about my family,friends and my relationship with her family, but she gave no thought to anything but herself... .
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beachgirl009
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« Reply #5 on: December 30, 2012, 10:14:52 PM »

His house burned down two months in. Made it perfect for him to move in. He had nothing. I didn't have to give up anything initially.
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GlennT
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« Reply #6 on: December 31, 2012, 02:24:59 AM »

This is another one of those great threads where we can disect BPD with the scapel of reason to see the similarities of their behavior in our own separate lives here. The only difference in the time span. Yep. they seem to just fit right in... pull us into a fantasy connection... expecting nothing... .loving everything... .they just want to please and love us... everything will work out... blah blah blah... honeyed poison
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suz124w
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« Reply #7 on: December 31, 2012, 05:19:28 AM »

Yes, mine fitted right in too... .but can I just say that as much as I fancied him, I found the slotting in thing a bit too much!  For example, we're just newly going out and he thinks it's ok to sprawl out on my sofa and leave all his stuff lying around, he thinks it's ok on short acquaintance to have a look around my house, in rooms, cupboards, wardrobes, all uninvited... .after a couple of dates, he brings pj bottoms and dressing gown to wear around my house, tosses his dirty washing in my laundry basket, cooks but never cleans up, starts telling me how to run the place even though his place is a complete tip and in perpetual chaos... .he even took to answering the doorbell if someone called.

Then, just as quickly when we decided to split, he starts rushing around the house looking for any items belonging to him that he doesn't want to leave behind.  It was quite shocking to watch and very hurtful, there was no delicacy, diplomacy at all.

Now, could you imagine any other person you know on short acquaintance (or even a friend for that matter) taking such liberties without asking first? 

Nope... .you would be shocked if they did, wouldn't you?  And you would think they had a nerve and you wouldn't do that at their place.

I think that says it all... .
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suz124w
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« Reply #8 on: December 31, 2012, 05:21:48 AM »

p.s.  I think someone should start a thread on how many exes had an accommodation crisis/need for rehoming shortly into the relationship... .it seems like a pattern
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beachgirl009
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« Reply #9 on: December 31, 2012, 03:04:23 PM »

People still ask me if I think he burned his place down... .  I sure hope that wasn't the case.
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« Reply #10 on: December 31, 2012, 03:14:35 PM »

p.s.  I think someone should start a thread on how many exes had an accommodation crisis/need for rehoming shortly into the relationship... .  it seems like a pattern

Well my ex lost hours at work and was struggling to make her rent, she was borrowing money from her folks. Her lease ran out four or five months into our relationship. We were spending at least six days a week together, and she didn't need to sign a lease to move in with me. I had a roommate which became a problem for her after a few months, she wanted just her and I. She never thought about the fact that she was saving at least seven hundred dollars a month in that living arrangement. I thought we could save money with a roommate for a little bit and have a down payment for our own house. I'm rambling, there is more but its not really relevant here I guess.

Bottom line is it was a low pressure attempt at living together, and she could move out if she chose to. She chose to... .  
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« Reply #11 on: December 31, 2012, 03:19:35 PM »

People still ask me if I think he burned his place down... .  I sure hope that wasn't the case.

Ha ha, this made my evening Smiling (click to insert in post) It would surely qualify under "engaging in self-destructive behavior" criteria.

On a serious note, reading this thread made me realize how unnatural my bonding started. Speaking strictly from male perspective with relatively conservative background, I expect it takes some effort to date a girl. You know, she'd have some standards, play hard-to-get, just be as girls are. Not with my exBPDgf, it took next to no effort, she fit right in.

I am actually looking forward to meeting someone new who would motivate me to present my best/improve.
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letmeout
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« Reply #12 on: December 31, 2012, 03:41:10 PM »

Glad I read this post. I started seeing someone who is doing the same thing, and now my eyes are open! My T had warned about getting sucked in by another BPD, because that is what is familiar.  Time to move along... .  
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suz124w
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« Reply #13 on: December 31, 2012, 08:34:19 PM »

4815,

I think that's a little bit old-fashioned... .  a 'good girl' plays hard to get etc.  And a good boy  does what?  Deserves a favour? Lol

A tad sexist.

Hey, it's the 21st century! There's such a thing as attraction after all whether you are male or female.  But maybe it's a good idea not to dive straight into an intense relationship on that basis right enough.
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ef12
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« Reply #14 on: January 01, 2013, 04:16:14 PM »

Yep. When I first met him, he was just so easy to be around. He seemed to like 80% of the things I liked, and he could cook, kept his room nice, got on well with my friends etc. Of course, a year later it turned out that was because he actually had no interests of his own, and it became painfully apparent when he'd got bored of playing along with mine. Once we lived together, and he was working full-time and had more money, and I was a student, it only seemed fair that I did more housework, but he deliberately became more and more helpless to try to force me into doing everything, which I fought back against. When we first met, he'd only lived in the city for 3 months, so it was reasonable that he only had a small local social circle, mostly work colleagues. It only got smaller though as time went on.

We ended up living together quickly too. He had a really terrible flatmate, and wanted to get out, and I was a broke student taking sublets and staying with relatives. (This isn't a case of being painted black- this guy was actually terrible- I saw him hock up phlegm into the washing up, and he had a tendency to grab people by the throat if he got in an argument with them). The other 2 flatmates were friends of his, but he never spoke to them again after the huge row. When he lived there, there was a stream of visits from friends from his home country. He gave me the impression they were there to see him, but now I see that they were there to see one of the other flatmates who was from the same school, because we didn't see them at all the following summer when we visited his family for 2 weeks. (The other visit for only for 4 days, and at short notice, so it seemed reasonable to not see that many people).
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suz124w
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« Reply #15 on: January 02, 2013, 07:10:08 AM »

I had second thoughts about this fitting in thing... .  

Although my ex seemed to just slot into my life and home as if he had always been there, he didn't seem to be familiar with certain white goods like the diswasher, washing machine, ~, lawnmower etc.  He didn't seem to know how to use a cloth to wipe a table or cleaning liquids for tidying up bathrooms etc.

He was really good at all the enjoyable stuff like working the tv, dvd, playing his guitar, lying about, sleeping, going out for drives in my car at my expense, going for coffees and drinks mostly at my expense... .  

Funny that... .  !
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suz124w
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« Reply #16 on: January 02, 2013, 07:11:53 AM »

p.s. Would you believe I thought I'd typed '~' and it came out as 'recycle'. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

How bizarre!
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suz124w
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« Reply #17 on: January 02, 2013, 07:13:21 AM »

No, it's not Alzheimer's.  When you use the h word ending in r for vaccum, it comes out as recycle... .  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).  I thought it was a Freudian slip of mine!
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Seahorse1
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« Reply #18 on: January 02, 2013, 07:34:32 AM »

~
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Seahorse1
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« Reply #19 on: January 02, 2013, 07:35:33 AM »

How funny! I just did it too... .  It was spelled right until it posted... .  Well at least that made me laugh!
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suz124w
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« Reply #20 on: January 02, 2013, 08:59:00 AM »

Seahorse,

Better be careful what we wish for then... .  

i.e.'I wish he would do the h... .  r occasionally!' could be really detrimental to our emotional wellbeing.

Lol
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letmeout
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« Reply #21 on: January 02, 2013, 06:54:35 PM »

Is it a red flag when the person you have been seeing has no friends?
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beachgirl009
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« Reply #22 on: January 02, 2013, 07:03:14 PM »

Is it a red flag when the person you have been seeing has no friends?

In my opinion yes! Any future relationships I will make sure my partner can maintain friendships.
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letmeout
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« Reply #23 on: January 02, 2013, 09:36:50 PM »

That is too bad... .  he is a nice man but I was afraid of that.

My T warned me that I would be drawn to what I was use to.

Time to back up, put it in reverse and peel out in the other direction... .  

Now how do I let him go without hurting his feelings?

Should I even be worried about hurting his feelings?

I am so not use to dating, that I have to ask.
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happiness68
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« Reply #24 on: January 03, 2013, 09:08:15 AM »

Yes haha - gave me a smile.  I hope that wasn't the case also however, since it's not really funny.  It's funny though, but as I read this I was thinking how my exbfBPD fit perfectly into my life and I've always thought that.  He just fitted in with my family, my life (mind you, he didn't have much in his own life).  The face that the pattern could be the early days of them needing re-homing - this also rang true for me.  As soon as I met him he had to be re-homed, then again a few months later and again about 6 months after that.  I think since we split up he's been re-homed yet again.  I know he always wanted me to offer to let him move in with me, but I never did, because it just didn't feel right.  I used to think it was because I'd just moved into my new home when we first started seeing one another and I therefore perhaps wanted time alone (plus I used to love spending time alone - I know I'll get that back again), but in hindsight, I must have felt that something wasn't right.

People still ask me if I think he burned his place down... .  I sure hope that wasn't the case.

Ha ha, this made my evening Smiling (click to insert in post) It would surely qualify under "engaging in self-destructive behavior" criteria.

On a serious note, reading this thread made me realize how unnatural my bonding started. Speaking strictly from male perspective with relatively conservative background, I expect it takes some effort to date a girl. You know, she'd have some standards, play hard-to-get, just be as girls are. Not with my exBPDgf, it took next to no effort, she fit right in.

I am actually looking forward to meeting someone new who would motivate me to present my best/improve.

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suz124w
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« Reply #25 on: January 03, 2013, 10:58:16 AM »

happiness68

Yes, that strikes a chord with me!  I know my ex would have loved to just move in with me.  I put that down to the fact that in the early days it was obvious that I had the more comfortable, established home and he enjoyed that.  I would never have considered living with him too soon in the relationship.  Later on, he had a sudden need to relocate because his landlord wanted to put his place on the market (or so he told me anyway... .  ).  Something in me resisted the temptation to offer to let him move in with me, even though I have enough space.  I used the pretext of my teenage daughter at the time, but it wasn't really that.  There was the mess he lived in, his tightness with money and the fact that he expected me to do all the household stuff. But it wasn't only that.  Something else made me hold back.

When I look back, especially when I was feeling a sense of loss immediately post-split, I wondered why I hadn't just let him move in with me... .  but I do think the healthy part of me resisted.  Something inside me stopped me and I am SO glad given the way he turned on me in the end.  I hate to think how bad that would've felt if we were living under the same roof!
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happiness68
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« Reply #26 on: January 03, 2013, 11:30:46 AM »

Hello suz124w - funny you say how post-split you wondered why you'd not let him move in.  I wonder that right now and think to myself how things maybe would have been so different and perhaps things would have worked out.  Most of my friends tell me not to think like that, as I clearly wouldn't have been happy if he'd moved in, because if it was what I'd wanted then I would have known before and done something about it.  Yes, like you, something held me back. 

happiness68

Yes, that strikes a chord with me!  I know my ex would have loved to just move in with me.  I put that down to the fact that in the early days it was obvious that I had the more comfortable, established home and he enjoyed that.  I would never have considered living with him too soon in the relationship.  Later on, he had a sudden need to relocate because his landlord wanted to put his place on the market (or so he told me anyway... .  ).  Something in me resisted the temptation to offer to let him move in with me, even though I have enough space.  I used the pretext of my teenage daughter at the time, but it wasn't really that.  There was the mess he lived in, his tightness with money and the fact that he expected me to do all the household stuff. But it wasn't only that.  Something else made me hold back.

When I look back, especially when I was feeling a sense of loss immediately post-split, I wondered why I hadn't just let him move in with me... .  but I do think the healthy part of me resisted.  Something inside me stopped me and I am SO glad given the way he turned on me in the end.  I hate to think how bad that would've felt if we were living under the same roof!

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suz124w
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« Reply #27 on: January 03, 2013, 01:03:15 PM »

happiness68,


Those are just your feelings of withdrawal and grief, you are torturing yourself with 'what ifs' because he has left a void in your life for the moment.  You can rest assured though that if he had moved in, things would've blown apart far more quickly and don't forget you may have had a job getting him out.  Either that or you would be feeling far more abandoned yourself right now.

I think your gut instinct was on auto protect and that was for the right reasons... .  

It's not easy but it will get better as you acclimatise yourself to life without your ex. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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beachgirl009
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« Reply #28 on: January 03, 2013, 02:47:09 PM »

Ha!  Mine is opposite.  I think, what if I had told him no when his house burned down.  I wouldn't be in near as much debt, I wouldn't have stayed in the relationship as long as I did, but you know it was a growing experience and it will help me appreciate someone in the future who is stable.  I'm ready to find my person that is okay with being slightly boring, nerdy and a homebody like me! 

My ex is currently moving into a rent free home that someone in his family owns since he couldn't keep up the bills on his own place.  Which not so shockingly is exactly where he was when I met him almost three years ago... .  recently divorced and living in and remodeling a family home that all he had to do was pay utilities on.  Hopefully this one will not meet the same demise as the last one. 
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Benevolent Sun
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« Reply #29 on: January 04, 2013, 09:45:43 AM »

I would like to add to my previous post on this topic. I did have her move in, and she chose to move out when I was at work one day. We didn't breakup, she claimed that she didn't like that I had a roommate. She moved in with her folks for a little bit. She then moved into an apartment without discussing it with me, I'm not sure if it was my business, but she didn't tell me about it until after she had signed the lease. Also she chose to share this information with me when we.were out for an anniversary dinner.

  Later, after our second reconciliation -we had been backw together for about a year at this point- she was upset with me for not asking her to move in with me yet. I was waiting for a couple of months to go by where I didn't hear, 'you deserve better than me', why don't you go f such and such, ... .  And subtle threats that she was going to leave.

  If I had her move in, it was clear that she wanted my roommate out, which was fine with me. I have a roommate for financial reasons, I can afford the place by myself, but I wouldn't be as flexible as I am now. I don't know if I did the right thing, i was sure if I could depend on her not to leave me again, this time with financial constraints. She had left before, the way she was acting I wasn't sure if she would again.

  I'm kind of in the same  position that one of the posters above is in. I miss her, and kind of wish I had taken a shot on it. I keep hearing that you need to take chances in life, I might have gotten burned but I didn't even give her, and us the second chance. I also wonder if her behavior was caused by me not making the commitment to her. I know I feel like I might have lost the one, and I'm not having much luck of letting go of that thought process. Friends and family feel like I dodged a bullet, I don't share that at all. I think there are things that needed to be worked on both of our parts.

  I shouldn't have let her lack of trust in me effect me so much, I should have just known that I'm loyal, and have that be good enough for me. This is a topic for another post if I ever get the courage to discuss it, but I let a few mean comments really destroy my self confidence. Instead of relying on the times when I was good enough for her in every way. Those are my mistakes and I'm trying to forgive myself for them, but it is tough, I think about everyday, I just wasn't strong enough, I lost my patience, and ultimately lost her. In the end maybe the 'you deserve better' crap was just projection, abs she was really saying she deserved better than me. It's such a mind f

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