Why does this tick me off

[frustratedmom]

So I'm going along, radically accepting, la la la ing about drivel, and my formerly vegetarian dd since she was 8 years old for whom I made special meals daily texted me:

"We're making a turkey ! What was that great soup you used to make with turkey broth?"

Well I made pea soup but she only tasted it once... .so I said

"pea soup... .are you eating meat now ?"

She said "yes, and I had KFC the other day! It was soo good."

Hmmm "glad you are getting more protein! So where did you get the turkey?"

Here's the kicker:

"From the cab company christmas charity drive (for needy families with no transportaion) dad's company helps sponser! Yeah it was so cool! A whole Christmas dinner!"

Are you kidding me?

We had a "whole Christmas dinner" at home she was welcome to attend... .complete with transportation.

Sorry... .DBT went out the window. I told her she should be ashamed of herself... .taking food like that.

She responded self righteously as usual... .that she can't help the way she is and why do I want her to be ashamed... .and then it went downhill from there, ending with how great his family is to her because they figure out how to take care of her... .and they are nice... .and they do the laundry and buy stuff for them so they really do care... .gak.

She is a robot incubator fueled by weed.

Arg.

FM

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[heronbird]

Hey, isnt this just a typical story. I wonder is the vege thing to do with identity do you think. Why do they do this?

My dd changed her name twice, once when she was only 13, she changed it to Roxy, I had people saying to me, are you Roxys mum, Id say no because I didnt know, haha you have to laugh really.

she eventually realised it was a prostitutes name and was so embarrased, she went back to her normal name.

She did it again a couple of years later and insisted that the doctors called her by her new chosen name, it was after a mental health nurse that shed met, but it was weird because it was a mans name from the Bible, so I think that alarmed the docs ha, they refused to call her that name, she was telling us she was going to change it by law, I remember being upset and worried, she never did it though.

Now she tells me that at last she has identity, she is married woman who is having a baby and now fits in to society.

How funny is that as hardly anyone does it like that anymore.

But about the food, how strange that she could of come to you for dinner yet chose to get the free food.

Were you hurt by that? I know I would of been. I just have to get over that sort of thing

My dd told me she was going to have Christmas at her MILs this year, I was upset, my older dd said oh just let her it will be less complicated, you wont have to worry about her etc. That really helped me.

But I am different to you, I found a food bank for my dd, I dont think she should be ashamed if she is happy to do that. I cant keep paying for food all the time for her. Anyway the state keep telling me to butt out anyway, so let them help her as they seem to want to. I also dont want to tell my dd that she should be ashamed as I dont feel its helpful to her and it just breaks down our relationship even more. I can tell she already has a lot of shame, most of it unnecessary too.

Yet my older dd does not let anything go she would tell her sis she should be ashamed etc and it just makes dd clam up and hate her with a vengeance.

I found your story very interesting actually, Id like to show Anthony Bateman that, but he says Ive sent him enough already ahaha. Your story is so typical of what we all go through a lot of the time isnt it.

[cfh]

I used to be totally baffled then ticked off when ds did things like that.  He uses five different names because he is convinced the CIA, FBI, Secret Service are always watching him and he thinks he can dodge them with all these aliases. 

He also changes his hair color all the time.  He has very nice blonde hair but when I went to visit him in jail the other day it was black.

He told me he had a premonition that he was going to get arrested again so he thought it would be a good idea to have black hair for his mug shot.

I just sat there and smiled... .told him he looked quite handsome!

What a strange world we all live in.

Then he told me that one of the other inmates was growing his hair really long and donating it to Locks for Love (for kids who are going through chemo).  He said he's going to grow his hair long too so I said "that's a very nice thing for you to do".  But he said he just thought it would be cool to have long hair and maybe even have dreds.

Me=continued to smile. 

[js friend]

FM Do you think you may be feeling ticked off because you want your dd to uphold your values and beliefs?

PwBPD identities often change according to who they are with and I have seen this happen many times over the years with my dd. Now ive just come to accept that is how my dd is.

I know I certainly felt annoyed, embarrassed and ashamed when I found out that my dd was sleeping around. These are not my beliefs or values and I couldnt understand why dd would do it.

Promiscuity is one of the hardest things I have ever had to accept with my dd. In amongst my dd sleeping around with almost anyone who looked at her she got with a boy who claimed he was a Christian... ., who walked around with a bible and quoted scriptures to her. She was smitten and loved that about him. We were all taken in by him. Suddenly she wanted to change her life, brought herself a bible and began to go to church with him... .and thats when the creeping around began again. It was only later that i discovered they began sleeping together on a regular basis shortly after they met... .and he may be the possible father of dd's baby.

I genuinely liked this boy when I first met him, but now I know more about him I tolerate him for dd's sake and dd knows that I wont play this all or nothing game she has got going on of bouncing between b/f and her family when things go wrong between them.

When I think back to how used the bible to groom dd it makes me sick.

Now she has got herself pregnant I dont think that either of them knows where their bibles are anymore  

[heronbird]

Oh Js friend, that made me so so very sad. The way that boy acted when you should of been able to trust him, yet a hypocrite, with no integrity also.

And  I agree with you, one of the hardest things is the promiscuity. That just intolerable isnt it, and also, worrying because I felt that doing that and hiding it would contribute to her mental state. Id read a book once that said that promiscuity amongst young teens can lead to depression, I did take that with a pinch of salt but maybe it was true, I thought when dd went into first crisis and we were wondering why. I dont know how bad dd was, I wasnt ever ready to believe it tbh.

Do I blame her, or the boys, not sure really but in our case my dd was supposed to be the commited Christian.

I heard BPD used to be called moral insanity, wow, just great especially when you are from a strong Christian faith eh.

And Cfh  I just wanted to say, you are handling things so brill. Thats just what we have to do isnt it.

What Ive wanted to say in the past but havent, Ive so realised that there is no point.

[frustratedmom]

You all are so right... .

Heronbird -

I looked back at all my texts and realized nowhere did I say I was hurt that she did not spend Christmas with us... .of course the hurt is at the bottom of all this.

That's really it isn't it? Just when you think nothing will hurt anymore BAM they do or say something that is so beyond the realm of reality that you feel pain again... .and my mind scrambles to remember... .didn't I teach her that lesson? In the eighteen years we had together, what really got across?

J's Friend - the promiscuity was horrific, and your story about the bible boy could have been just teens going south of good behavior, but of course it's not is it - does she really not know who the baby's father is?

My dd19 says she is "done with all that" meaning going online to find guys... .well duh, she's living with a guy, in a wheelchair and six months pregnant! But the way she talked about her old life a month ago, I'm not sure after the glow is off this period she won't return to it in a heartbeat.

And CFh wow - I think you are at the place we all hope to be - smiling and accepting and validating... .good job! And I can't imagine how much it hurts to have your ds behind bars. In a way, that's where my dd is too. Aren't they all in their own type of incarceration with BPD? They just don't know it do they... .

FM   

[qcarolr]

Some days I have to put on the face of validation - nob and smile and quietly listen - listen to lots of    For some reason bf"M" is just driving me whacky today. Maybe it is because I am working from home and don't usually have to spend this much time with him. His sense of humor even grosses gd out - and she can do the fart and burp contest with the best of them - she is 7 and bathroom humor is kind of normal. His is turning 29 this week - when is he going to grow up    They were having a slurping of noodle soup at lunch today - yech!  

See, this is such a little thing - why is it still twisting my gut? Maybe because I have to make so many adjustments and accomodations in my family to keep hanging on by my fingernails. Probation 24 months less 2.5 months leaves 22.5 months. I keep telling DD to not count the months, just work on today.

So today - she had her first individual couseling session - it is called drug/alcohol therapy for the medicaid people. I think the couselor will address whatever needs addressing. DD wanted to reschedule when I reminded her 1/2 hour before  - I said "it is your life, but S made this time for you. Why don't you just go."  Then she was asking about locating her bio family on the way home - to find out about her medical history. She has a lawyer for her SSI - I suggested she call her for info on this.  She also got the name of a rx for med to replace the THC she gets from smoking pot - for her migraines (per her medical lisense) - for her anxiety in reality. We have pdoc appt Thursday - see how that goes.

Sorry if this seems off track - just pointing out to myself that some good has come from today - DD went to therapy voluntarily, and gets along with the T.     

Still ticked off about lunch humor today

qcr  

[twojaybirds]

I think you may be ticked because it is so manipulative and you "fell" for making her special meals for so long.

here's my most ticked off:

last spring she was a senior in the school I taught in as Special ed behavioral specialist and she walked around with a neckbrace telling everyone she had a sprained neck because I had beat the s*** out of her. 

[frustratedmom]

Two jays -

That story is equal to my dd telling everyone, including her beloved history teacher, that I broke her arm.

I was more than ticked off... .  I was bewildered, outraged, sad, exhausted, and frankly scared of the person my dd had become. She actually wanted the police to arrest me. They had seen enough of her over the years to know that she was a problem child, and we were doing everything we could to help her.

I know it's beyond manipulation... .  it's BPD.

FM

[trainwreck4]

I also have had the craziest stories circulated. My BPDd15 became a vegetarian a few years ago. She made sure to tell everyone at school, work, and at family gatherings that its because we make her eat her pets. We have a small hobby farm where we raise our own turkey, chickens, and eggs. We want our children to have good food to eat and our animals are sent to be processed properly. She also told our childrens aid worker that I pay her to eat meat. The worker fortunately knew me well enough to know this is not how things go.  We are very clear about when an animal is brought in whether it is food or a pet, and the line is never blurred. I am amazed and horrified how far the manipulation goes... .  

[js friend]

J's Friend - the promiscuity was horrific, and your story about the bible boy could have been just teens going south of good behavior, but of course it's not is it - does she really not know who the baby's father is?

My dd19 says she is "done with all that" meaning going online to find guys... .  well duh, she's living with a guy, in a wheelchair and six months pregnant! But the way she talked about her old life a month ago, I'm not sure after the glow is off this period she won't return to it in a heartbeat.

FM I have my suspicions because I know that dd was running around with a few boys at that time because she and b/f had broken up again... .    .

I know that exbf/bf has his suspicions too because he asked me whether I had met dd's new b/f because DD had  told him that she had met someone else when they had broken up and how nice he is to her... .    respects her, treats her nice and hasnt tried it on with her

She even told him that she had introduced her "new friend" to our family and that we all said how much we liked him... .  and I even cooked him a meal!.

( I must add I never met or was I introduced to this person if he even existed to even make him a meal)... .  

So after about 1 month exbf decides it isnt working out with his new girl and he and dd decide to get back together and then she instantly becomes pregnant, and she knew she was pregnant within weeks apparently. This is the girl who never took any notice of her menstrual cycle and never had any sanitary stuff every month!

So I think that she either she got pregnant on purpose to make exb/f jealous, or the baby is actaully exb/f's and she got pregnant to trap him into staying with her.

Idk... .  Something just doesnt sound right to me.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders