Need to purge my guilt

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I know many of you on here have very complicated situations.

I feel incredibly guilty because many of you seem that you never lost your cool with your BPD person... .

I have been incredibly mean and hateful and I feel so much shame and guilt.

Here's my situation... .Sorry if it's long.

My BPDbf has an 8 year old son who I used to adore. He only has him every other week end and for the first 6 months every thing was wonderful with our weekends with him.

We spent the times together at my home and bf was planning on moving in with me... Which of course means son too on his weekends... .

I was fine with that and he would have his own room with all his own things... .

Until... .I picked the son up from school one day over summer. This is the first time I did this and it's a 2 hour round trip. It saved bf from driving in traffic and meant we could start our week end early... .

I picked up son , brought him back to my house, set him up with video games etc... .

This is the first time son and I have ever been alone together but I thought nothing of that... .Why would I ?

Well son and I are sitting on the couch about 3 feet apart and he impulsively jumps on top of me... .Kisses me hard on the lips and grabbed my breast very firmly... .

It was over in seconds and I was in shock... .

I didn't know what to do so I went out side and called his dad who was equally shocked .

When bf got home he talked to son briefly and we left it at that... .

I only saw the son one more time as bf and I broke up shortly after.

Here's where it gets complicated... .

Bf filed a restraining order against me... .Just made up lies... .

I spent $3000 on attorney to get it dropped .

Given that he could do such a thing I became very concerned about him making false allegations about what his son did to me and I made a statement to the police about it.

The police just laughed at me... .I said I just want to make a statement in case he turns this against me... .

Of course the police filed an investigation making it look like I was trying to get the boy in trouble ... .

Any way bf and I got back together and were talking about going to therapy together.

I told him I was not over what his son did to me and didn't feel comfortable about us all reuniting... .

The truth is I'm afraid his son will do this again... .His father is not only BPD , but a sex addict, and my T said that for this little boy will be a sex offender by the time he is a teen... .

So here's me scared out of my mind to move forward and have bf and son move into my home.

Of course bf cannot relate because it's his precious son who can do no wrong and I am over reacting but my fears just got worse and worse and I have such resentment to this child who I once loved.

To complicate things worse when the boys mother found out I was back in the picture she refused to let bf see his son and also filed a motion to not allow me around her son... .

Bf would have to hire an attorney to fight this and he has no money ... .

My only thought through this is that I would end up paying and it just seemed insane... .

I have to defend my self to be around a child who attacked ME ?

Bf could not understand why I wasn't supportive.

He made an appointment to see an attorney and I said I would not go with him... .

My gut was I would end up paying for it...

Bringing up more resentment over the $3000 I spent because of the restraining order and several thousand I loaned him in addition to that.

My resentment and fear of his son just kept growing too.

Any way, bf was not allowed to see his son over Xmas and the stress just got to him.

Xmas eve he got very dysregulated and became violent with me.

I forgave him as to not ruin Xmas day but I was just so confused, resentful, etc... .

Any way the day after Xmas I could see the dysregulation coming on again and I kicked him out... .Thus starting threats of violence... .

This is where my guilt and Shame comes in... .

I calm down, then I get angry... .

I sent so many mean texts calling him and his son horrible things like abusive perverts... .

My anger just kept going... .

I know it's his son but he sexually violated me... .

I have a right to my feelings although I regret the way I expressed them... .

I feel guilty although I am the one who was sexually violated by his son and physically abused by his father ... .

I said so many mean things and of course now I'm the crazy one !

[Seahorse1]

I know many of you on here have very complicated situations.

I feel incredibly guilty because many of you seem that you never lost your cool with your BPD person... .

I have been incredibly mean and hateful and I feel so much shame and guilt.

Here's my situation... .Sorry if it's long.

My BPDbf has an 8 year old son who I used to adore. He only has him every other week end and for the first 6 months every thing was wonderful with our weekends with him.

We spent the times together at my home and bf was planning on moving in with me... Which of course means son too on his weekends... .

I was fine with that and he would have his own room with all his own things... .

Until... .I picked the son up from school one day over summer. This is the first time I did this and it's a 2 hour round trip. It saved bf from driving in traffic and meant we could start our week end early... .

I picked up son , brought him back to my house, set him up with video games etc... .

This is the first time son and I have ever been alone together but I thought nothing of that... .Why would I ?

Well son and I are sitting on the couch about 3 feet apart and he impulsively jumps on top of me... .Kisses me hard on the lips and grabbed my breast very firmly... .

It was over in seconds and I was in shock... .

I didn't know what to do so I went out side and called his dad who was equally shocked .

When bf got home he talked to son briefly and we left it at that... .

I only saw the son one more time as bf and I broke up shortly after.

Here's where it gets complicated... .

Bf filed a restraining order against me... .Just made up lies... .

I spent $3000 on attorney to get it dropped .

Given that he could do such a thing I became very concerned about him making false allegations about what his son did to me and I made a statement to the police about it.

The police just laughed at me... .I said I just want to make a statement in case he turns this against me... .

Of course the police filed an investigation making it look like I was trying to get the boy in trouble ... .

Any way bf and I got back together and were talking about going to therapy together.

I told him I was not over what his son did to me and didn't feel comfortable about us all reuniting... .

The truth is I'm afraid his son will do this again... .His father is not only BPD , but a sex addict, and my T said that for this little boy will be a sex offender by the time he is a teen... .

So here's me scared out of my mind to move forward and have bf and son move into my home.

Of course bf cannot relate because it's his precious son who can do no wrong and I am over reacting but my fears just got worse and worse and I have such resentment to this child who I once loved.

To complicate things worse when the boys mother found out I was back in the picture she refused to let bf see his son and also filed a motion to not allow me around her son... .

Bf would have to hire an attorney to fight this and he has no money ... .

My only thought through this is that I would end up paying and it just seemed insane... .

I have to defend my self to be around a child who attacked ME ?

Bf could not understand why I wasn't supportive.

He made an appointment to see an attorney and I said I would not go with him... .

My gut was I would end up paying for it...

Bringing up more resentment over the $3000 I spent because of the restraining order and several thousand I loaned him in addition to that.

My resentment and fear of his son just kept growing too.

Any way, bf was not allowed to see his son over Xmas and the stress just got to him.

Xmas eve he got very dysregulated and became violent with me.

I forgave him as to not ruin Xmas day but I was just so confused, resentful, etc... .

Any way the day after Xmas I could see the dysregulation coming on again and I kicked him out... .Thus starting threats of violence... .

This is where my guilt and Shame comes in... .

I calm down, then I get angry... .

I sent so many mean texts calling him and his son horrible things like abusive perverts... .

My anger just kept going... .

I know it's his son but he sexually violated me... .

I have a right to my feelings although I regret the way I expressed them... .

I feel guilty although I am the one who was sexually violated by his son and physically abused by his father ... .

I said so many mean things and of course now I'm the crazy one !

[elemental]

Guilt is part of FOG, remember?

Also remember, these people are disregulated. They are not going to let you stand up for yourself like you have and tell you it's ok. Specifically I mean stand up for yourself by fighting the RO and making the statement at the police dept. And BPD won't stop and think for himself that he failed, he is feeling mad at his ex, mad at you, in denial over the son, and is looking outside of himself for someone to blame. That's you.

The real question here is are you going to let mentally ill people dictate your reality, who you are, what your values are?

It's a rough deal in the first place, and fighting to make THEM validate you, is putting you into such a state of frustration, violation, and pain, that you try to talk *JADE* your BPD into seeing some common sense and giving you comfort and supporting you, AND taking action to settle down his ex and his son. He is a different creature, though.

Seahorse, you are learning what I just learned. You will HAVE to redirect your energies elsewhere and get your validation, support, and reassurance elsewhere. I see over and over on this board where we get into more upset by not accepting this. It's a process of acceptance and very real grief and anger for many of us.

That all being said, girlfriend, I beat on my bf like he is a gong. I argued, debated, reasoned, cried, raged... and to no effect except for us all being even more upset, him putting me down for what I was doing while angry, I became a big old PD, threatening all sorts of things, calling him all sorts of names, getting mad enough when he deliberately broke his word to me, disrespected me, gave me silent treatment ... .I was having massive melt downs over the silent treatment... felt traumatized by it, would have the existential burst over it while he sat there and occasionally poked at me to goad me.

It has been UGLY. I called him every name under the sun, swore a blue streak at him, was rude, mean, I defied over and over his demands that I not smack his ex around. I showed her things he said to me to prove we were really in love, I showed her things he sent to me, I responded to internet woman telling her the TRUTH ( and blew his fake stories apart humiliating him and making him madder than heck) ... .I have sat and used emails as instant messengers, firing off 50 1 sentence rude emails in an hour because he blocked me or wrote crap to me then refused to talk and was giving me silent treatment. I have sent him text after text, tried to call him... .

Yeh, Kids, I have acted like a raging borderline myself mostly when I had enough of days and weeks of silent treatment where he fires off a nasty comment, then refuses to discuss, sitting behind his blocking me all over the place... .I thought enjoying the heck out of my upset and tears and pleading to talk, to acknowledge.

So there we are. Every time he and I come into contact since early November, I try to speak with care and consideration to his comments and his instant reply is to tell me things are all my fault, to sneer at me, tell me how I blew it all, ruined the relationship.

So I comment kindly. Get smacked some more. I comment kindly... I see he is calming down. Then he is all merry christmas honey and I am too and we are happy, then immediately he deliberately goes and does something he agreed not to do, broke his word, broke trust and I was so ANGRY at that point I confronted, and we are BACK where we are before, HE IS IN CONTROL OF ME BECAUSE I AM RAGING WHILE HE MAKES CRUEL COMMENTS.

Then he said something to me that made me finally understand that BPD really IS not operating on a logical level. And this guy has masters degrees in mathematics and physics. After 5 years I finally understand that that he is operating from an emotional level. He is remembering on an emotional level. All of my attempts to get a SENSIBLE response have not worked because I talked us both to death trying to get him to understand on a logical level.

Seahorse, it doesn't work that way. Technically you are exactly right to feel as you do. Your pain and anger are justified, your confusion and hurt exist for a reason.

Your BPD isn't listening to you because he is impulsively emotionally reacting and is it so big for him that he can't see your clean and clear logic.

You can't fight this on the level you are trying to. Just like the last 3 years proved to me that I can't fight it on that level now.

My BPD and I apologized to each other. I know he is hurting. So am I. I don't know today how to help that, because it will take WEEKS for him to calm down after the massive drama we just had. I understand now, though. I can do it differently now.

I don't have any other advice for you, except to really integrate that you have to get on his emotional level to give a productive response. And I am so sorry you are hurting right now. It can really take you down. Accept where he is operating from. Detach from it so you can adhere to your own values and not have to feel ashamed or guilty when your pain and confusion drove you to such desperation and anger that you lashed out.

[Seahorse1]

Elemental,

Thank you... .I just wanted some validation... .There really is no excuse for my nastiness but I do feel some relief that some one else can relate and has lost their composure too... .

I was afraid that people with children would take offense to my post as I'm sure no one wants to hear bad things about their children... .My ex doesn't... .And I can understand that... .

It's just become a giant clusterf*=ck!

Thank you again for responding and happy new year!

You have eased my anxiety so much

[afterdeath]

Seahorse,

I had replied to this thread on my phone but when i went to reply the button didnt work so i'll try it again. It sounds like a very dangerous situation you are dealing with and i would be very cautious as i can't see a positive outcome for this relationship. I was always aware and cautious around my BPDex for i feared she might one day try to slap some kind of child harassment on me or something as i was always the one to give bath time and i took care of her daughter ALOT whether it was changing diapers,bath time, or getting up in the middle of the night with her while my BPDex slept, i think she became jealous in a way. I always tried to stay aware that one wrong move could be considered wrong. It was tough in my situation, and i know i had more to write when i tried two days ago but have since forgot... .  

My advice is simply walk away, and find a better situation.

[afterdeath]

Seahorse,

I had replied to this thread on my phone but when i went to reply the button didnt work so i'll try it again. It sounds like a very dangerous situation you are dealing with and i would be very cautious as i can't see a positive outcome for this relationship. I was always aware and cautious around my BPDex for i feared she might one day try to slap some kind of child harassment on me or something as i was always the one to give bath time and i took care of her daughter ALOT whether it was changing diapers,bath time, or getting up in the middle of the night with her while my BPDex slept, i think she became jealous in a way. I always tried to stay aware that one wrong move could be considered wrong. It was tough in my situation, and i know i had more to write when i tried two days ago but have since forgot... .  

My advice is simply walk away, and find a better situation.

O right now I remember... .  don't feel bad about blowing up/saying mean things. I turned into the incredible hulk when i found out what she had done (replacement/cheating/lieing) and i turned into a text terrorist saying the meanest things to her because i was extremely hurt. So in the end she got what she wanted, she made me turn into the bad guy with her actions. It ended when she threatened to call the cops on me for harrassment(this is after i busted her through FB of the cheating)... I have not talked to her since and wont.

But don't feel bad for being human... .  we have emotions... .  those machines do not... .  they only have crazy

[Seahorse1]

After death,

Thank you so much... .  

I have a lot of anger, guilt etc and lashed out again yesterday...

I also have massive anxiety... .  And yes thank you for validating my concerns about the son... .  

Also glad I'm not the only one who had written long thoughtful replies to posts on here and then they don't go through

Thanks again!