Found a note my ex had written to herself- should this have been a red flag?

[Diana82]

Hi all

I remember my ex gf had told me she suffered from ongoing depression. She had also been apparently bullied throughout her childhood and had not dealt with it. She often complained about feeling isolated and later admitted to being a lonely person- despite being surrounded by many friends and loving family.

One day I was looking for a receipt in my ex's handbag she had asked me to find. But I started snooping and found a folded note she had written to herself in there.

It said: Sometimes I feel I can't cope with life and its too much to bare. But other people cannot fill the void. That is not their responsibility.

I remember being very concerned reading this. Who carries this around with them all day? She had to remind herself daily that other people can't fill her void?

Should this have been my red flag and a sign that my ex was troubled?

Is this a BPD symptom? Feeling lonely and relying on others to fill your void?

[Seahorse1]

Yes... That is how they feel from what I have read.

I commend her for being aware of that and keeping a reminder for herself.

It's very sad.

[Changed4safety]

That's exactly how my exPBD felt, almost verbatim.  It is extremely sad.

[Diana82]

I see...

Yes it is very sad... she had to remind herself of this. Yet... I don't think it helped her. She went to see a Therapist every three years (maximum 3 sessions) and told me she would never go on medication for her chronic depression.

I believe she wanted me to fill her void. Hence why my she was idolising me so much in the beginning. She also used to say "I had a relationship with such and such but then I met you- and I was finally happy". She always said she became " happy" after meeting me.

When breaking up with me, she sobbed "I am a lonely person. I was lonely before I met you".

To this day... I don't see the relevance of this statement. Here she was telling me she is a lonely person... but is about to dump my ass over an argument!

Any thoughts?

[Seahorse1]

Talk to her if you want to continue the relationship... .  

[Diana82]

Hey Seahorse

No... My ex and I are well and truly over. We had a fight 4.5 months ago over me telling her she is too inconsistent in her stories/actions and too defensive. She couldn't handle being told off and dumped me in a very cold manner. She told me she no longer had feelings (even though she claimed she loved me deeply 2 days prior) and had no more to give. She told me I "burnt her" and hurt her more than anyone else.

Now this is someone who claims she was bullied, sexually assaulted and emotionally degraded before she met me. Yet I am the one who hurt her the most.  

I was then asked to leave her alone. She ignored all my calls to apologise and attempts to talk it over. I also wanted explanation and tried emailing but it was all ignored. She later changed her number and wouldn't even respond about returning my belongings I left at her place. Total silence. Total wipe off.

[Diana82]

My ex said two days before breaking up with me that her love was deep.

She also spoke of our future.

Suddenly after our fight- she dumps me and says she doesn't have feelings and isn't in love with me.

This makes me question- was it ever really love then she felt for me! Or was it about me filling her void and then when I was no longer doing so- I was discarded?

Otherwise how can someone switch off love like that?

Unless her feelings had changed over time

Or maybe she just told me that to hurt me? I have heard of some people who have broken up with their partners because they were just not working- not because of lack of love and the partners (dumpees) haven't accepted it. So the dumper has ended up telling them "I'm not in love with you" so they go away.

[whatarideout]

Is this a BPD symptom? Feeling lonely and relying on others to fill your void?

those who suffer from BPD rely on people to create an identity that they failed to develop early on.

they literally mirror another person's characteristics in order to create a sense of "self". a feeling of "being". because they lack the ability to draw such identities from inside themselves, they copy other people's personalities and claim it as their own.

they're not interested in who you are, rather the "good" you exhibit so they can use and project it out into the world in hopes it comes back to them and formulates that good feeling inside them. this will give them a false reality of becoming what they constantly yearn for, a "whole" person.

think of a small child watching and copying their parents every move and behaviour because they have not yet developed the understanding of how to "be" in the world yet.

that is BPD.

[Newton]

Hi Diana... .  ... .  Happy New Year to you... .  

Receiving validation and advice from the members here is a great part of bpdfamily.com... .  as are the lessons and workshops 

Breakups from someone with BPD are often bewildering ... .  I really think that thoroughly researching the dynamics of a rs with a pwBPD, and how they exhibit symptoms would assist you greatly in moving forward from this relationship... .  

[ExTreme]

Bewildering? Yes, until honest introspection forces one to consider how and why the relationship was influenced by our nonBPD co-dependency to pwBPD.

[Changed4safety]

Is this a BPD symptom? Feeling lonely and relying on others to fill your void?

those who suffer from BPD rely on people to create an identity that they failed to develop early on.

they literally mirror another person's characteristics in order to create a sense of "self". a feeling of "being". because they lack the ability to draw such identities from inside themselves, they copy other people's personalities and claim it as their own.

they're not interested in who you are, rather the "good" you exhibit so they can use and project it out into the world in hopes it comes back to them and formulates that good feeling inside them. this will give them a false reality of becoming what they constantly yearn for, a "whole" person.

think of a small child watching and copying their parents every move and behaviour because they have not yet developed the understanding of how to "be" in the world yet.

that is BPD.

My exBPDbf was into role-playing games and cosplay (costuming for science fiction conventions).  Nothing wrong with these hobbies, I share the first and just don't have time or talent for the second.  However, at one point I read his old account for a dating site and there were tons of mentions of "being able to lose yourself" and "being someone else for a while is fun!"  He also had a list a mile long of characters that he said were "him."  Part of his fascination with roleplay was sexual, and often instead of actually having sex we would go to our computers and type out fantasy sex for hours at a stretch. I really didn't like this and knew something was not right very early on because of it.  He actually preferred it to real sex.  I didn't get it (he was wonderful in bed!) but now I see, he was afraid of the intimacy and having to be "himself".  He also used this type of sexual online roleplay to have online affairs with women who were happy to do it with him. 

[doingtheswim]

Hi all

I remember my ex gf had told me she suffered from ongoing depression. She had also been apparently bullied throughout her childhood and had not dealt with it. She often complained about feeling isolated and later admitted to being a lonely person- despite being surrounded by many friends and loving family.

One day I was looking for a receipt in my ex's handbag she had asked me to find. But I started snooping and found a folded note she had written to herself in there.

It said: Sometimes I feel I can't cope with life and its too much to bare. But other people cannot fill the void. That is not their responsibility.

I remember being very concerned reading this. Who carries this around with them all day? She had to remind herself daily that other people can't fill her void?

Should this have been my red flag and a sign that my ex was troubled?

Is this a BPD symptom? Feeling lonely and relying on others to fill your void?

Hi Diana,

As for this being a symptom of BPD, yes it is. It however, is also a symptom for many things including being human.

As an isolated thing, the note displays her ability to want to become a better her.

It shows that she is taking responsibility (or wants to) for her own happiness.

Carrying around a note like that means nothing more than carrying a self help book would.

As for BPD, there are many prerequisites for that diagnoisis, of which I and many others are not qualified to determine.

As much as I am angry for this disease and for the hurt it causes all around, I will not look for this disease and hastily start labelling it, because then I would have to label myself as well--- bitter.