NYE Blues / Missing Her

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It's discouraging to know that there's a person out there that you want to spend special times with and they want nothing to do with you.

I am really sad at this breakup.  I'm really sad that she can move on so easily and that I struggle so much.  I have such extraordinary love for my ex and it doesn't matter to her.  That's hard to accept and I'm so discouraged with life right now.  I tried to be SO supportive, caring, loving, and giving and it didn't matter. 

I've tried to reach out to make amends but I never heard anything back.  I've tried everything and no matter what, I'm not going to be with the person I want.  It's too hard to handle right now.  It's hard for me to function without having hope of reuniting, but I guess that's not going to happen.  I know many of you have been through this before or are going through the same process right now. 

But what do you do when you love someone so much and they want nothing to do with you?  What do you do when you KNOW that's the person you want to spend life with, but they move on without any issue?

These are hard things to accept.  I miss her so much. 

I hate that this is the hand that's been given to me, and I wish I knew how to deal with this. 

[jp254958]

It's discouraging to know that there's a person out there that you want to spend special times with and they want nothing to do with you.

I am really sad at this breakup.  I'm really sad that she can move on so easily and that I struggle so much.  I have such extraordinary love for my ex and it doesn't matter to her.  That's hard to accept and I'm so discouraged with life right now.  I tried to be SO supportive, caring, loving, and giving and it didn't matter. 

I've tried to reach out to make amends but I never heard anything back.  I've tried everything and no matter what, I'm not going to be with the person I want.  It's too hard to handle right now.  It's hard for me to function without having hope of reuniting, but I guess that's not going to happen.  I know many of you have been through this before or are going through the same process right now. 

But what do you do when you love someone so much and they want nothing to do with you?  What do you do when you KNOW that's the person you want to spend life with, but they move on without any issue?

These are hard things to accept.  I miss her so much. 

I hate that this is the hand that's been given to me, and I wish I knew how to deal with this. 

[Benevolent Sun]

I don't think there is any good answer the your questions. When friends or family try, thy aren't answers that we really want to hear. Most of the time its, something to the effect of you'll find someone better, relationships don't need to be that hard, give someone else a chance. And the real dagger, if she wants nohing to do with you and can move on so easily she doesn't love you, find someone that deserves your love. And lastly, why do you care if she moved on, feel bad for the next guy.

  I know this doesn't help, I feel the same way that you do, but like you said its the hand that we have been dealt. I guess we have to open ourselves up to the possiblity of meeting someone that honestly and truely feels the same way about us. Just wanted to share some of the things that I've heard from people.

[GettinHealthy]

jp,

I feel your pain.  I too and sitting here on NYE day thinking she will probably be out with my replacement, having all the fun that we would have had together.  Knowing that I will be home alone with no one to share that night with, and no prospects.

However, I am beginning to leave the FOG behind.  I am learning that we were so hooked by them because they filled a gap in us that we maybe didnt know we had.  We were ripe for them to swoop in an plug that missing piece.  But, in the end no matter what we do, we cannot fill their enormous needs.  They were never completely happy with us, or anyone before us and most likely anyone after us.

I am sorry that you are hurting.  I am sorry for your loss.  I hope that knowing that you are not alone will help, even in the smallest ways.  We can heal and live beyond this hurt.  We all need to focus on become whole and healthy and happy within ourselves so that we can avoid the hell of these relationships in our future!

Try to have a Happy New Year.  :)o something for you, and I wish you peace and happiness!  

[Seahorse1]

First... .Ask your self this... .Have you been in love before and got over the break up?

Probably yes.

Second... .It's NYE... .I personally have never liked this holiday and have spent many alone as I will tonight. But it's a time of celebration and of course you wish you had some one special to ring in the new year with... .But it's just a day... .In two days from now it will just be Wednesday January 2 nd... .Nothing special about that!

Third... .I think the difference with a BPD relationship is that we got some aspect of our ideal relationship that we never had in other relationships and are fearful that we will never feel that way again.

I my self have been heartbroken numerous times over failed relationships and need to keep reminding my self that I can make it through this break up... .

In the past my exes made it very clear it was over and I kept reaching out and reaching out and I guess just one day you stop ... .

It took me three years to really get over my 7 year relationship... .It blows my mind now because I would never take him back ... .But at the time I thought he was the only man I could ever love... .

Since then I met my BPD bf... .

Who then became the only man I could ever love... .

So I have to tell my self I will get over him too... .

At least the holidays are finally over

[rockinaz]

I realize where my ex is coming from when she says she would rather be with someone else.  I am cool with that now.  It makes me realize that she is not the kind of person I want to be with after all. She is broken and selfish and chooses to stay that way.  Sure, BPD is a disease, but I really don't believe that they have absolutely no way of controlling themselves and are not the least responsible for their actions and the pain and hurt they inflict.  I want nothing more than for her to be out of my life completely now so that I can move on with my life.  I have enabled her dysfunctional life for 19 years of marriage and I have been suffering the entire time, thinking there was something wrong with me.  I believed I deserved what I was getting.  Then when I realized what was really going on,  I began to regain my own dignity and now understand that just like she can't get better as long as I am in her life, neither can I with her in mine.  My love I felt so strongly for her for so long no longer exists. She is no longer someone I am capable of loving.  I am ready to find someone who I can and who can love me in return.  I deserve that.  My sympathy and desire to "rescue" her has faded away as I now understand that she is her only hope for a happy life.  I cannot do anything to bring happiness into her life.  She cannot do anything to make me happy either.  Her years of lies, deceit, and sneaking around cheating on me behind my back has destroyed my love, my trust, and my respect for her completely.  Our divorce is not even final yet, but she is spending new years eve with her latest boyfriend and his wife and kids.  His wife is oblivious to what is going on.  If I try to warn anyone, then I become the villain because "it simply isn't true, right"?  I say Happy New Year to them all.  I am moving on and not looking back.  My wife was cheating on me, and the dude's wife tried several times to warn me.  She convinced me that the woman was just nuts.  That's why they were getting a divorce.  Turns out the woman who tried warning me was right, but I had to find the proof for myself. 

[bpdspell]

It's discouraging to know that there's a person out there that you want to spend special times with and they want nothing to do with you.

I am really sad at this breakup.  I'm really sad that she can move on so easily and that I struggle so much.  I have such extraordinary love for my ex and it doesn't matter to her.  That's hard to accept and I'm so discouraged with life right now.  I tried to be SO supportive, caring, loving, and giving and it didn't matter. 

I've tried to reach out to make amends but I never heard anything back.  I've tried everything and no matter what, I'm not going to be with the person I want.  It's too hard to handle right now.  It's hard for me to function without having hope of reuniting, but I guess that's not going to happen.  I know many of you have been through this before or are going through the same process right now. 

But what do you do when you love someone so much and they want nothing to do with you?  What do you do when you KNOW that's the person you want to spend life with, but they move on without any issue?

These are hard things to accept.  I miss her so much. 

I hate that this is the hand that's been given to me, and I wish I knew how to deal with this. 

Hey there,

I can hear the anguish and sadness in your post. And Benevolent Sun is correct. There is nothing we can say that can remedy your sadness. Time is of the essence. Advice at this point will sound cliche and will not bring you what you truly desire: your ex back.

What will need to happen is a shift in your awareness and that will happen on it's on time. There will come a time when you will be open to the idea that your ex does not hold the keys to your happiness. That time isn't now but you will soon see that her mental illness will always render her incapable of loving you the way you deserve to be loved.

In the meantime how are you taking care of yourself? Are you in Talk Therapy?

When they break up with us there is a tendency to over think and obsesses about them and what they're doing. We assume that they're so happy, gleeful, and living in ecstasy and perfection. But this isn't true. They are very miserable people who plaster smiles on their faces to give the illusion of happiness. My ex did this all the time when he was with me and I know he'll continue to do this no matter who the new object of desire is. Covering up shame is a full time job! Their pattern is idealize, devalue, discard. There's no skipping off into the sunset with that. There's no inner peace in them. They lack insight and are very broken people.  We make a huge error in believing that they are tap dancing on sunshine when they aren't with us. This is our anxiety and our abandonment fear in overdrive.

It's ok to miss them but give yourself permission to grieve. Rumination is normal; it's our minds trying to put the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle of what happened to us back together. In the meantime there is some sunlight you can grab onto: you're alive, your here, and you will survive this. Keep posting your thoughts and feelings on here. We are here to listen, validate all in the spirit of community.

Spell

[Seb]

It's funny, I've felt the same. For a while now I've been feeling better about everything: accepting the disorder and the pattern, and that my life's happiness lies with me, and not with my exgf. She can never give me the love and life I deserve. I've been thinking more and more about the future and the possibility of meeting someone that can love me back the way I love. I felt like I'd been making huge strides in my acceptance and recovery.

However... .  over NYE I was thinking about the uBPDexgf, more than at Christmas. It was hard! I started to feel anxious and upset. I decided to just read some of the fantastic posts here that I've bookmarked and remind myself of the disorder, the pattern, and why she is no good for me... particularly what you wrote, spell, about them showing us who they are through their behaviour.

But... .  the thing is my exgf has started to post statuses publicly on Facebook, and I realise I'm being incredibly masochistic by looking, because they make me feel worse when I do. I should block her (she deleted me) but I don't want to give her that satisfaction that she still bothers me. The one tonight read: "I am having just the best time Happy 2013 everyone!". I know this is likely a cover up, as she isn't truly happy, but it still upsets me to see that, thinking that she's away somewhere for NYE with her new girlfriend. She never posted status updates when we were together, funnily enough, and now she's posting status' publicly all the time. It feels like she's doing this for my benefit.

I think it was my exgf who sent me a string of anonymous text messages last month (right after someone posted on my public cover photo about sending them my new number)... .  "hey you ok?", and "what's your name sorry". I realise it might not be, but it could be her.

It's like she's still playing with my head, and the worst part is I'm allowing it this holiday, unfortunately. Need to get back to my T! This NYE has been a blip, emotionally, a bump in the road! :/ ugh!

[Seb]

... .  I should add that this "having just the best time" status from my exgf has come a few hours after someone, who's made it very clear they're in to me (nothing's happened, I'm not ready, yet), posted a photo from Paris last night with the caption "Bonne annee, had the best time!"

I know my ex checks my facebook, even though she would never admit it, so I know she has seen this new person in my life, and knows of their existence. It's all such silly game-playing. I don't post anything publicly. My profile is locked down, my twitter locked etc. It's just crazy how she can cut me out completely, but its like she's determined to show me how much happier she is without me. Yet she still checks up on me.

As I just read on another thread... dysfunctional relationships are full of game-playing. I don't know why I feel like she's doing it for my benefit, or why I'm letting it get to me today... .  

[OutsidetheHermitWalls]

All of you, I am with you.  Though I am not proud of this my wife of seven weeks moved out, divorced me two weeks later, and spare you how much divorce court is with a borderline in a no fault state. She left most of her stuff initially and I was able to read information that illustrated her day to day feelings and thoughts.  Let's just say the person who was mirroring my ideal partner all smiles and in a state of "in love" she was miserable, tormented by binging cravings, inability to be honest, conceit that to apologize and mean it was very challenging, conceding I was doing all the work and it was not fair, she should step up etc.   So yes they have some awareness, but it's not sustainable.  Just like during my grief I would have Moments where I knew she was not the right person, but I could not sustain it, I would revert back to my delusional loss of someone I had invented.  Yet knowing I invented her could not be sustained I would just miss her, then I would hate her for the unrecognized emotional abuse I endured, as she told are mutual friends she finally realizes she was in an abusive relationship and her therapist validated this.  We must be cautious of comparing our insides with their outsides.  They don't necessarily know how they feel one minute to the next. I try to look at it in some moments is their externalities hater of us may in some way keep them from killing themselves.  For a temporary amount of time maybe they are relieved of their self hate which they project onto us.  Then we help them by buying into it.  What kind of person clings to someone who can't love them, someone who believes he must negotiate love in a way where he/she gives disproportionately, to what he/she receives.  Why? It's familiar... .  why do they not get better?  It's their norm.  I am fighting to raise my level of worth to myself,  I  am fighting to silence my inner critique that sabotages my joy.  My hater BPD is the perfect mirror of what I do to myself anyways.  It's not her job to fix me.  Over times that idea sustainability increases by minutes, then a few hours, and in time days an weeks

[Onwards and Upwards!]

... .  I should add that this "having just the best time" status from my exgf has come a few hours after someone, who's made it very clear they're in to me (nothing's happened, I'm not ready, yet), posted a photo from Paris last night with the caption "Bonne annee, had the best time!"

I know my ex checks my facebook, even though she would never admit it, so I know she has seen this new person in my life, and knows of their existence. It's all such silly game-playing. I don't post anything publicly. My profile is locked down, my twitter locked etc. It's just crazy how she can cut me out completely, but its like she's determined to show me how much happier she is without me. Yet she still checks up on me.

As I just read on another thread... dysfunctional relationships are full of game-playing. I don't know why I feel like she's doing it for my benefit, or why I'm letting it get to me today... .  

I am pretty much in the same boat as you Seb. My ex girlfriend does things like this. I'd say it's done for your benefit. They don't like to see us moving on with our lives, and finding someone else. I bet it's driving her mad thinking you may be happier without her. She even chose the same phrasing as your new gf, 'best time'. It sounds like there's a lot of emotion between you still, you're still pushing each others buttons. I'm just beginning my journey here, so hopefully someone with more experience and knowledge will help you out, but I would say your ex is obviously keeping tabs on you and is posting these statuses publicly for you to see. Good luck staying strong! Your life will be better without her in it.

[karhues]

Jp - I know how you feel - I truly love my ex-husband and more currently my ex boyfriend - we were married for 20 and recently got back together for the past 2 years.  I couldn't believe we were given a second chance.  However, the recent second breakup  hurt just as much as the first.  I knew I was taking a huge risk - it took me 2 years of therapy after the divorce not to cry everyday.  So here I sit again feeling the same horrible way and asking myself why.  I knew like I knew the first time something was wrong - this time I address it earlier - again he denied it - he was constantly having affairs quite often with more then one women at a time.  I did get him to admit that he did like the attention that these women provided to him - I told him how much it hurt me to see inappropriate texts, videos and photos - he said he knew but he wouldn't stop.  I couldn't take it - it was so demeaning to me - here I am loving him with my whole being and he would lay on my couch while I slept texting them all night - its really sad.  I kept pushing and he kept distancing himself until on day he fell off the planet for 2 weeks - after 2 weeks he finally resurfaced and said it was not fair to him or me that I kept accusing him of cheating.  He also said he was in a funk and needed space.  He also started therapy - I was thrilled.  Well he went to one visit and quit and moved on to yet another women and I'm out and she's in.  He still texts me to tell me he loves me - it is all very twisted and very hurtful.  I know I am better off with out him - but I still miss him - its awful.  My youngest daughter tells me I am better off without him - he is not a good man - this is her dad we are talking about - she can see it clear as day - yet I can't.  I need to move on - I need to be a good role model for my teenage daughter - that I know. 

Thank you Spell for your encouragement - its a great help and I know deep down it is what needs to be done.  I will heal and move on.  I am in therapy weekly and going to the gym regularly.  I just want the emptiness to stop.  I just cannot believe I let him back him and he did it again.  I know if he does this to me he'll do it to the one he's with currently - its just a matter of time.  How sad!

[Seb]

... .  I should add that this "having just the best time" status from my exgf has come a few hours after someone, who's made it very clear they're in to me (nothing's happened, I'm not ready, yet), posted a photo from Paris last night with the caption "Bonne annee, had the best time!"

I know my ex checks my facebook, even though she would never admit it, so I know she has seen this new person in my life, and knows of their existence. It's all such silly game-playing. I don't post anything publicly. My profile is locked down, my twitter locked etc. It's just crazy how she can cut me out completely, but its like she's determined to show me how much happier she is without me. Yet she still checks up on me.

As I just read on another thread... dysfunctional relationships are full of game-playing. I don't know why I feel like she's doing it for my benefit, or why I'm letting it get to me today... .  

I am pretty much in the same boat as you Seb. My ex girlfriend does things like this. I'd say it's done for your benefit. They don't like to see us moving on with our lives, and finding someone else. I bet it's driving her mad thinking you may be happier without her. She even chose the same phrasing as your new gf, 'best time'. It sounds like there's a lot of emotion between you still, you're still pushing each others buttons. I'm just beginning my journey here, so hopefully someone with more experience and knowledge will help you out, but I would say your ex is obviously keeping tabs on you and is posting these statuses publicly for you to see. Good luck staying strong! Your life will be better without her in it.

Thanks Onwards and Upwards

I shouldn't be letting her get to me, and I really need to learn to stop looking - how do I muster that will power? I just can't seem to stop myself from checking her page every now and then. It just makes me wonder why all of a sudden she's posting status updates over the last few months, when she never did that before. Ever. And they're public - surely she knows how to make them private if she wanted to. Everything I post is 'friends only'.

Like I said it just feels like she's doing it for my benefit. You're right, even though officially we're NC, and have been for 6 months, it seems like we're both still pushing each others buttons... .  It's hard to know where she's at. Is she doing all this or am I the only one still thinking about her (probably, right!). Other than the facebook and instagram snooping in Sept/Oct, which I know was her,  what about the rest? Was it her that was sending me anonymous texts last month? It could be her, but it could equally be someone else. It may be a coincidence that a few hours after my new friend posted a NYE photo from Paris and wrote underneath "had the best time", that she posts a status update "having just the best time ... .  happy 2013 everyone".  It may be a coincidence, but it doesn't feel like it. The wording being the same is what made me think she'd seen my friends post. I can imagine her seeing that photo and wanting to make sure I knew that she was extremely happy without me. I don't personalise this - when I think about how much I loved and cared for her and only ever wanted all the good things for her, I know she's disordered. Only someone with a serious attachment disorder could turn real love and care on my part, into something ugly and controlling to break free from.

Feeling better today - probably because in my head I think that update was as a direct response to my friends. It's quite sad really! Am I being crazy tho, for thinking these are aimed at me? Is that really self-indulgent? :/

[Onwards and Upwards!]

It's not self-indulgent. It's only natural. Of course she knows what shes doing by posting that publicly. She would make it private like you are if she wanted. My ex is BPD and I've been through it all with her. She stalked me when we've been apart, tho she'd never want me to know. She wanted me to think she hated me but she was always doing things like this. It's not uncommon for BPD's to dump you and go NC but then to do crazy stuff like fb stalk and send anonymous texts, especially when they think you're moving on without them. They like knowing you're still chasing, still wanting them. It's all control and she doesn't like it now you've taken it back. You've stopped chasing her and you've possibly got a new love interest, this brings out the crazy behaviours.

Just my opinion. I'd be interested to hear what others think about this behaviour.

[Onwards and Upwards!]

Also I doubt she's "having just the best time" stuff like this is always put on Facebook for a reason. Everyone knows what they're doing when they post stuff like that publicly. It's always for someone IMHO. She never posted statuses before? It's for you. Don't let her get to you, stay above it. She's not truly happy and won't ever be sadly.

[Seb]

Thanks for your reply - it does feel like it's aimed at me. But I know the wording "having the best time/had the best time" is pretty generic, and a lot of people may have posted that about NYE. I'm not going to react - like I did with the texts after I became suspicious, I stopped replying. As far as she and I are concerned we are NC and we haven't attempted to make contact in 6 months. Is this another form of triangulation (read definition)? My exgf triangulated with numerous girls during our relationship (I allowed this due to my serious lack of boundaries), the text messages came from 'rob', who I definitely don't know, plus that phone has been switched off since. I knew she was most likely still looking at my page every now and then, considering she didn't block me when she deleted me, so is this likely to now include snooping on my new friend?

21st century problems hey! 

[Onwards and Upwards!]

Would you consider blocking her? It sounds like she's amount up her contact a bit, and getting inside your head. Don't let her, keep moving on. This always happens with BPD's, you think they'll never come back, but once the chasing stops they wonder where the heck you went and suddenly start pulling the strings again. Maybe you need up block her to stop her in her tracks?

[Seb]

Thing is, I don't know why it bothers me. I do want her to be happy. I just don't get why she was the one who dumped me and cut me out, and now she's doing this. It's the disorder I guess - that is if it is her that's behind the persistent random texts, and now the public status' telling the world how happy she is. Would they really be for my benefit? I was in love with her and she cut me out, and now she's acting like the one who was dumped. Like she's saying to me, 'see what you're missing out on'.

Can I block her without her getting the message that she still has an effect on me? How do I stop looking at her page? It's hard, especially as she's determined to now post publicly.

Thanks for your replies. I really really appreciate another perspective on this!

[Seb]

(So sorry to hijack your thread jp! Hope you're feeling a bit better!)

[jp254958]

Seb, no sweat whatsoever.  We're all in this together.   

You can completely block your ex's page on Facebook. 

I was cut out too and it sucks so bad.  I'm alive, I'm here, but that's about it.  The holidays were killer for me.  It's hard to let go and I get that. The truth is that I just don't want to which is why I'm stuck. It's my own fault. I still have such love for her and I don't want to surrender.  I believe in us even though I'm an afterthought in her mind by now.

I've spent the past several months intensely reading about BPD in the hopes that she would come to her senses and I could be better prepared to handle conflict and to guide her to the specialized therapy that she needs.  And if ahe refused, I was willing to accept her for who she is now.

I guess that's not going to happen.  It's time for me to move forward.  I'm hurt and traumatized but I am a great person and have so much to offer. I wish she gave us that chance, but that's her decision and frankly, her loss. No one would offer her what I can in terms of love, support, and acceptance.

I'm sorry for your loss and for everyone's in general.  Making sense of this insanity is a tall and futile order, but I can at least try to get myself back to where I need to be.  Life is too short.  Let's all do our best to make ourselves the priority now.

[Seb]

Ah sorry to hear you're having such a tough time, jp. The holidays are hard, I get it. I've felt so much better lately, but I have felt slightly unsettled this time too. I think it's normal - holidays always bring out the emotions! Hang in there, and go easy on yourself. It's hard when you're just not 'there' yet. In time you'll get there, as tough as it is, time is what is needed in our situation. The agony I felt 6/7 months ago has subsided tremendously, and trust me I never thought it would! You are a great person, and it's good to hear you say that  

I read something that a friend wrote about her girlfriend (she was a bit tipsy and emotional on NYE) and it was the nicest thing ever, it made my heart melt. It was so real and lovely. And as much as I thought my girlfriend loved me when we were together, I could never imagine her saying that to the world about me. It was a bit of a wake-up call, because I want that. I want someone to feel like that about me, genuinely, not in fantasy land. So that's what I'm focussing on... .  the possibility of finding someone happy and healthy and with the ability to truly love me... a stable love, not one that is hanging on a cliff-edge and can turn nasty any minute. It's taken me a while to get here, I wasn't ready to accept my situation for a long time, but you'll get there too. It sounds like you're already well on your way.

By the way, thanks for the advice. I might just have to block her - even though I don't want her to know I still think about her - it's has been messing with my head seeing her do this. I don't know why but I'm getting the feeling, as O&U said, that she's amping up the obscure contact, in a way channeling these messages to me. It's almost like the silence from me has brought her out of the woodwork - first the online snooping, then the anonymous texts (pretty sure it's her, I can't think who else it would be. These texts were so bizarre!), and now the status updates that feel like they're responding to what I'm doing... .  I guess the best way to nip this in the bud is to block her completely and stop her in her tracks. I can't ever imagine her contacting me directly tho, so far it's been very obscure and weird! But, it still keeps me from detaching completely...

[jp254958]

You sound like such a good person and I truly hope you find the love that you deserve.  Complete detachment is really hard.  I'm sure part of you wants to hang on because of the love you have.  That is completely understandable.

I'm very glad to hear you're past the worst months after the breakup.  The first months are so hard.

Like you, I want a relationship where we have someone stable, loving, and supportive.  Someone who you can expect good days with instead of fearing which mood they'll be in.  Fewer arguments. More happiness.  We deserve that and I'm glad you know that you know this.  I'm sure you'll have no trouble finding someone when you're ready. You are so kind and honestly, you sound like a really cool and fun person. 

I'm glad you're telling your story on the boards.  Keep at it to help you cope with the instantly of your ex's behavior. It sounds really bizarre with all the anonymous texts... .