Asking for his help even if I don't need it

[shatra]

Hi---

   Happy New Year to everyone! I am feeling disgusted about an ongoing issue----

My wanting to get offers for help from my partner, even if I don't need or wouldn't accept the help if it were offered. So I feel neglected.

   He is nearly codependent i going out of his way to help relatives, sick people, neighbors, etc. But when it comes to me, he has said I am very independent.  So he really does not offer practical help.  If he were to offer, i would most likely say "No thank you" since I can handle many things on my own. But I feel upset that he doesn't offer to help, and I feel jealous that he helps others and not me.

   So ideally I would like it if he would at least offer help sometimes. I'm not sure if using DEARMAN would fit here, since I am not trying to directly ask for help with something, it's just the offer that would be kind.

Bye

Shatra

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rockylove]

perhaps I'm missing something here.  You don't need or really want his help but you want him to offer his help knowing that you'll refuse it?  It sounds like you're setting him up... .  I don't mean to sound mean or rude, but it sounds like you're setting him up for rejection.  Perhaps he's a "doer" because that makes him feel significant and if you don't allow him to "do" for you, that may make him feel less significant than he already does.  I'm no expert... .  just throwing that out there as a possibility.

[shatra]

Hi

  Yes, you're right that he seems to usually enjoy helping others. Yes, I would like his offer to help though I would not actually accept it... .  I feel resentful that he doesn't even offer. If he were to offer, I would feel more cared about.

   Recently and presently I could use his help with a household issue. Though I am already getting help, he knows about this area and offered nothing. So for example I would have felt better if he had said "Can I do anything for the house to help you?"... .  

   I am thinking of saying "It would have been nice if you had offered to help me"  though he may feel attacked. I was going to just let it go, but I still feel upset about it.

Happy New Year

Shatra

[123Phoebe]

Hi Shatra, it is hard to watch your SO helping all these other people, but not taking your own into consideration.

That being said, can you maybe flip it around and think what a learning experience this is for you right now?  To not be afraid to ask for what you want   Not in an attacking sort of way, like you mentioned, more like, 'I'd really appreciate your help and advice with something... .    What do you think about such and such?' 

Your boyfriend might feel more apt to offer help if he knew it would be appreciated.