He hid money from me. Why?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Just found out through a mutual friend that shortly before I left my BPDbf of 8 years he had come into a large inheritance.  Over $100K.  And he didn't even tell me!  We were living together at the time!

We are both poor, struggling artists so inheriting that amount of money is quite a life-changing event.  Also, the nature of our relationship and personally, we were always generous to each other in terms of money.  What was mine was his, and vice versa.  Never in a million years, would he have been able to say (even in one of his irrational fits) that I am a gold-digger.  I always made it quite clear I loved him through thick and thin.  And there were many 'thin' times!  Once I even scraped together a decent sum of money to give him on his birthday for an artistic project he was working on.  He refused to take it, saying that would be unchivalrous.

It doesn't hurt me that he with-held this information from me (that he inherited the money).  There were many worse things to be hurt about!  I am just curious if it has anything to do with his BPD, and/or if anyone has had a similar experience.  I mean, what could have been going through his mind?  Could it have been something like, "Our relationship is breaking down, I don't want to tell her I'm rich now cuz I don't want her to stay with me for the money?"  Or, "I want to break up with her, I don't want her to ask for money when I do."

I am so confused!  Now thinking back, he must've got the money a few months before we broke up, and during that time he was constantly giving me money here and there.  ":)on't worry about the rent this month," "Here's $200, go take your mom to a Broadway show." etc.

Wait - just realized something - we were arguing about getting married around the same time he would have received the money.  I wanted to get married, he didn't.  Could keeping the money a secret from me have something to do with that?

[BasketCase]

Just found out through a mutual friend that shortly before I left my BPDbf of 8 years he had come into a large inheritance.  Over $100K.  And he didn't even tell me!  We were living together at the time!

We are both poor, struggling artists so inheriting that amount of money is quite a life-changing event.  Also, the nature of our relationship and personally, we were always generous to each other in terms of money.  What was mine was his, and vice versa.  Never in a million years, would he have been able to say (even in one of his irrational fits) that I am a gold-digger.  I always made it quite clear I loved him through thick and thin.  And there were many 'thin' times!  Once I even scraped together a decent sum of money to give him on his birthday for an artistic project he was working on.  He refused to take it, saying that would be unchivalrous.

It doesn't hurt me that he with-held this information from me (that he inherited the money).  There were many worse things to be hurt about!  I am just curious if it has anything to do with his BPD, and/or if anyone has had a similar experience.  I mean, what could have been going through his mind?  Could it have been something like, "Our relationship is breaking down, I don't want to tell her I'm rich now cuz I don't want her to stay with me for the money?"  Or, "I want to break up with her, I don't want her to ask for money when I do."

I am so confused!  Now thinking back, he must've got the money a few months before we broke up, and during that time he was constantly giving me money here and there.  ":)on't worry about the rent this month," "Here's $200, go take your mom to a Broadway show." etc.

Wait - just realized something - we were arguing about getting married around the same time he would have received the money.  I wanted to get married, he didn't.  Could keeping the money a secret from me have something to do with that?

[Surnia]

The question why is sometimes difficult to answer. 

I think not telling about his inheritance is not stringently related to BPD. Perhaps he felt uneasy bc before he was a poor artiste, and now this has changed. Or he felt little guilty, bc before both of you were poor artists, shared the same thing and now he sort of "left" you alone... .  

How do you cope with your situation now generally, being separated from him?

[BasketCase]

I don't know... .  its strange. I'm actually very hurt now that it has sunk in.

I think he probably felt it was none of my business because in his BPD clouded mind I was not a "real" partner to him (and never would be, no matter how long we were a couple or how close we actually were).

I'm very angry now. I hate being lied to. It makes me feel like he thinks I'm stupid.

To answer your question, I'm not sure if you mean how do I cope financially or emotionally. Financially I am ok at the moment. I'm a freelancer and have been busy with work these past few months so I am ok. Emotionally, I have felt confused whether I am in a grieving period or "waiting" for a recycle while he pursues DBT therapy (which I guess he has no excuse not to do since he can certainly afford it now!) I am not dating, I feel repelled by the idea. I am emotionally stable, but miss him and still think of him as "the one." I have got out my feelings in my art, which I derive a great deal of fulfillment from. However now I am a bit disgusted with myself missing him now that I've discovered this new lie. I wish I didn't miss him or love him. I'm in therapy now and hopefully that will help me come to my senses.

Very hurt right now, as if you couldn't tell, !

[Surnia]

So sorry! Don't let it sink in to much! 

Great you have your art to deal with your feelings and your T. 

It will be better! Give yourself time to heal.