Aging mom with BPD

[Sola Gratia]

Hi. So thankful to find this site.  I'm 56, and finally able to stand up to her and leave her when she starts... .    I can't count how many times she hasn't spoken to me for months on end after some perceived slight.  I have two younger sisters, the middle one is still afraid to be alone with her, and mom has not been as abusive to her "baby.".  Dad has passed away; he did try to protect us some, but not enough.  I can only imagine what kind of hellish marriage he dealt with.  She used to get really angry fairly often.  Sometimes she would get her purse and leave.  Then we would go on as if nothing was wrong, and it was never mentioned after she came home.  Other times, she'd corner one or all of us and rage, scream and belittle us until we were sobbing messes.  Once, when I was approximately 11, she was telling us how hard dad worked, that he'd have a heart attack and die, and we were so ungrateful.  This went on for a while, until the phone rang, and she answered it and spoke in a normal tone, as if nothing was happening.  That is the first time I really thought something was wrong with her.  Sometimes I left my body and watched her scream at me from above. 

I married at 22, I think to get away as much as anything.  Of course he was emotionally unavailable, and it didn't last long. 

I moved to California at 30, again, as much to get away as anything else.  When I moved back after 3 years, she started in on my daughter, and it was so familiar; but I said no, youre not talking to her like that, and we had a fight, but I stood up to her.  My dad offered to send us both to counseling, but of course nothing was wrong with her.  So I went, and at our first meeting when the therapist asked why I was there, I said " because I have visions of myself with my knees on her chest and my hands around her throat saying, shut the f... .  Up!". It helped, but didn't understand the Bdp until later.

Thanks for reading!

[Chosen]

Hi Sola Gratia,



It must have been so difficult for you to have gone through decades of mental abuse before learning about BPD, I feel for you!  But when you learnt about the disorder, it helps to explain so much, right? 

Here's some more information which will give you more insight into BPD:

BPD: What is it? How can I tell?

BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch

You mentioned that you have both been to counselling.  I guess the counsellor is not a BPD specialist?  What I have heard is that pwBPDs can "hide" very well in front of strangers and you hear often that the other person (the "non" is considered the problematic one by the counsellors.  Are you still in counselling, and are you in contact with your mum?

I hope you will share more of your story with us and check out the boards- they help in healing the wounds which you have suffered for so long.

Take care.

[MKG1015]

I am glad you found us too! 

I just want to address this one thing you said:

Once, when I was approximately 11, she was telling us how hard dad worked, that he'd have a heart attack and die, and we were so ungrateful.  This went on for a while, until the phone rang, and she answered it and spoke in a normal tone, as if nothing was happening.

I had this exact same experience. I am still to this day amazed at how quickly she shuts off the crazy... .  like a faucet! Right tighty: perfectly normal Lefty Loosy: look the f*** out! It's really awesome that you were able to see that moment for what it was and know that it was not your fault. I am guessing from that self actualized statement that you were the parentified child at least some of the time?

[makeitstop5]

Hi... .  so much I can relate to in your story.  Glad you've found the tools and a place inside yourself to stand up for yourself - never too late!