Don't know what to do anymore.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

not sure where to start but i just dont know what to do anymore. ive been called so many bad things ive beginned to question myself and ask my friends and family if im such the person that she inclines i am at times. i suspect my partner has BPD but with no proof or diagnosis i feel unfair coming to this assumption but its the only explanation for her behaviour at times.

a recent example of a ridiculous argument...

we had decided to get a takeaway(non stressful ordeal in most cases) she had mentioned indian the night before and i quiet fancied that so was under the assumtion that was chosen... she was running late and rang me saying to order food to save time. so i ask what she wants, and she responded with what do i want. i said i dont know will decide when i get there as dont have a menu...  then she starts to stress over the phone. saying she cant decide what she wants without a menu. and why didnt i get a menu? followed by i dont even want an indian, so i respond with 'thats fine what do you fancy?' to which she got angry and said 'im not having anything now, you have your indian you said you wanted indian'... long story cut short i was told i was annoying her, im always indecisive?and that she had turned arounded and headed somewhere else as she didnt want to see me.

a few texts later she calms down. ends up deciding on something from the first takeaway and comes round as intended acts as if it hasn’t happened and just said i shouldn’t annoy her...

these kind of things happen all the time in varying scales of aggression and hurt. only been mental stress at the moment nothing physical has happened though i have been cowering when she looks as if shes about to throw something at me.

when shes angry her eyes scare me, its like shes left the room?  

i darnt speak to her about BPD as she would explode i suspect, she wont tell me about the scars on her arm when i ask that look tell tale self harm. if shes not willing to talk to me about things on that level what am i supposed to do?

[lee2013]

not sure where to start but i just dont know what to do anymore. ive been called so many bad things ive beginned to question myself and ask my friends and family if im such the person that she inclines i am at times. i suspect my partner has BPD but with no proof or diagnosis i feel unfair coming to this assumption but its the only explanation for her behaviour at times.

a recent example of a ridiculous argument...

we had decided to get a takeaway(non stressful ordeal in most cases) she had mentioned indian the night before and i quiet fancied that so was under the assumtion that was chosen... she was running late and rang me saying to order food to save time. so i ask what she wants, and she responded with what do i want. i said i dont know will decide when i get there as dont have a menu...  then she starts to stress over the phone. saying she cant decide what she wants without a menu. and why didnt i get a menu? followed by i dont even want an indian, so i respond with 'thats fine what do you fancy?' to which she got angry and said 'im not having anything now, you have your indian you said you wanted indian'... long story cut short i was told i was annoying her, im always indecisive?and that she had turned arounded and headed somewhere else as she didnt want to see me.

a few texts later she calms down. ends up deciding on something from the first takeaway and comes round as intended acts as if it hasn’t happened and just said i shouldn’t annoy her...

these kind of things happen all the time in varying scales of aggression and hurt. only been mental stress at the moment nothing physical has happened though i have been cowering when she looks as if shes about to throw something at me.

when shes angry her eyes scare me, its like shes left the room?  

i darnt speak to her about BPD as she would explode i suspect, she wont tell me about the scars on her arm when i ask that look tell tale self harm. if shes not willing to talk to me about things on that level what am i supposed to do?

[lee2013]

does this sound like possible Borderline behaviour to people on here?

[Washisheart]

The self harm does. getting overtly excited about small things does. And her warning not to make her angry definitely does. The world centers around them & basically their wants & needs. And getting upset over nothing & blaming the other person is a constant. I can't tell you how many times I apologized got crap I didn't do just to get him off my back.

[lee2013]

The self harm does. getting overtly excited about small things does. And her warning not to make her angry definitely does. The world centers around them & basically their wants & needs. And getting upset over nothing & blaming the other person is a constant. I can't tell you how many times I apologized got crap I didn't do just to get him off my back.

  Its hard =( i love her so much but its starting to wear me down, im on here as i need to make sure that its not me applying a disorder onto her for no reason if that makes sense? and hopefully find better ways to resolve moments as i call them.

  I used to get drawn into the argument and try and justify or come to mutual agreement, and normally id be the one nearly in tears while getting accused of being too emotional and an emotional drain on her(that hurt!) and left at the end of an argument thinking 'what have i done?' and 'how did that escalate to that?' now i have taken your theory of water off a ducks back and just back down even if i know im wrong as soon as it starts if that makes sense? less chance of the emotional abuse that way.

 

[Washisheart]

Honestly my uBPDexbf & I almost never argued. When we first started dating, he would try, and I would look at him sideways & say "are you really arguing over that" and I would refuse to get drawn in so eventually he stopped trying. It didn't stop him from embarrassing the hell out of me on many occasions getting into altercations with random people throughout our daily travels.

My personal biggest problem is the leaving.

[lee2013]

Honestly my uBPDexbf & I almost never argued. When we first started dating, he would try, and I would look at him sideways & say "are you really arguing over that" and I would refuse to get drawn in so eventually he stopped trying. It didn't stop him from embarrassing the hell out of me on many occasions getting into altercations with random people throughout our daily travels.

My personal biggest problem is the leaving.

  I might try that one =) see if it can disperse the situation quicker, so far ive found i cant avoid it though if its war path time then thats it no matter what, just got to buckle up!

  By leaving you mean splitting up with you? if so thats a big bother for me, it throws my faith in the long term stability of things. when we have the slightest argument and i hear 'thats it its over' or 'go away dont want to speak to you, not ever again whats the point?' she jumps to the worst conclusion and trys to end things before even trying to talk about things. if i just stay put and refuse to leave she calms down after a while and back to normal.

[Washisheart]

Mine is at the point where he if looking for who will benefit him more. There are no threats, one day he is here, the next he is gone.

Take for instance, 4th of July, he needed over $300 of work on his teeth the week before, so that day we didn't have money for fireworks or beer. That one "important day" of not having money, I could see his plotting. He was distant, started acting cold ot of nowhere. Within a week, he was gone.

[lee2013]

  If your in the opportunity to walk away and you feel you can then go for it and dont look back! im still in love with my Gf and not reached the point of going. its possible to love someone and want to help them and not be 'in love' if theyres none of the latter for you its not worth it  x

  Isn’t that 'Catastrophizing' ? small issues blown into massive ones? did you ever mention to your partner that you think he has Borderline or that you think therapy would help?

[cartman1]

Hi Lee2013,

I've just come online and read your posts. Just wanted to say  . From what I've read your Girlfriend does seem to have traits of BPD. That said though remember it's not up to us 'nons' to be diagnosing things, that up to a trained professional. The important thing is that your here looking for answers and we have a lot between us.

I don't know if you have seen this before but please take the time to watch this short clip and keep talking, it really does help! again, welcome. I'm glad you have found us.

here is the link: https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a102.htm

[lee2013]

Hi Lee2013,

I've just come online and read your posts. Just wanted to say  . From what I've read your Girlfriend does seem to have traits of BPD. That said though remember it's not up to us 'nons' to be diagnosing things, that up to a trained professional. The important thing is that your here looking for answers and we have a lot between us.

I don't know if you have seen this before but please take the time to watch this short clip and keep talking, it really does help! again, welcome. I'm glad you have found us.

here is the link: https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a102.htm

Hello and happy new year =) my useless computer seems to love crashing when i try and watch that video!

Im not so much making a diagnosis but i am in need of some answers, sick of the confusion! all the things that confuse me keep bringing me here.

 

I have no idea what phase im in anymore if that makes sense, painted black or white? only thing that i notice is whenever we are getting along or are close talk about future etc etc, ive come to expect her to smash it back down, find an argument out of nowhere and depending how bad it gets hurtful. like one time being repeatedly told im a ''nasty selfish person that puts people down to make myself feel better as i have no self esteem'' and that ''she wont let me do it to her'' this had me broken down, asking myself am i? ive never been told things like that about myself, normally the opposite. i even had asked family and friends if i was such thing. then i stumbled upon 'projection' if that seemed a fitting case? it made more sense that way.

[lee2013]

one thing that never ceases to bother me, is how cold and emotionless she can go. the power and intent behind her words and tone of voice, facial expressions. and just watch me hurt right infront of her not even bat an eyelid, if anything carry on normally saying ''i need to get a grip, not be so mard''

how can someone love someone and not even care when they inflict pain?

[cartman1]

Hello again lee2013,

Hi Lee2013,

I've just come online and read your posts. Just wanted to say  . From what I've read your Girlfriend does seem to have traits of BPD. That said though remember it's not up to us 'nons' to be diagnosing things, that up to a trained professional. The important thing is that your here looking for answers and we have a lot between us.

I don't know if you have seen this before but please take the time to watch this short clip and keep talking, it really does help! again, welcome. I'm glad you have found us.

here is the link: https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a102.htm

Hello and happy new year =) my useless computer seems to love crashing when i try and watch that video!

Im not so much making a diagnosis but i am in need of some answers, sick of the confusion! all the things that confuse me keep bringing me here.

 

I have no idea what phase im in anymore if that makes sense, painted black or white? only thing that i notice is whenever we are getting along or are close talk about future etc etc, ive come to expect her to smash it back down, find an argument out of nowhere and depending how bad it gets hurtful. like one time being repeatedly told im a ''nasty selfish person that puts people down to make myself feel better as i have no self esteem'' and that ''she wont let me do it to her'' this had me broken down, asking myself am i? ive never been told things like that about myself, normally the opposite. i even had asked family and friends if i was such thing. then i stumbled upon 'projection' if that seemed a fitting case? it made more sense that way.

Everything you posted here is almost exactly the same as me, I was asking the same questions. Being told the same thing by my wife. I totally lost myself in the cycle, I got to a point where I was driving myself mad. Anxiety, guilt, fear where all mixed together. Then one day I stopped and thought right, I'm going to solve this, within 24 hours I was here and since then I've made a massive journey of discovery.

one thing that never ceases to bother me, is how cold and emotionless she can go. the power and intent behind her words and tone of voice, facial expressions. and just watch me hurt right infront of her not even bat an eyelid, if anything carry on normally saying ''i need to get a grip, not be so mard''

how can someone love someone and not even care when they inflict pain?

   

This is a really good question. It's real deep and hard to explain but let me try and explain a little. In someone with BPD, their mind is either black or white all the time and if she see's a little imperfection with you then she could feel abandoned by you, but you know that's not the case. If you are here looking for answers, then your actually doing the opposite of that.

I think now would be a good time to start reading through the choosing a path links to the right of this board. There is answers to lots of the questions I know you are about to ask (the ones we all ask). I'm going to be in and out of the boards all day, if you need anything just ask! and keep posting, I can't explain how much it will help. 

[cartman1]

Sorry just noticed something. I posted anxiety, fear, guilt. A better way to put this would be Fear, Obligation and Guilt or 'The Fog' as it's known around here!

[lee2013]

how does an imperfection in another lead to feeling abandonment? trying to grasp that, think the more i read the more it will make sense.

thanks for your time =) its helping already, didn’t get to sleep until nearly 4am last night as i got stuck on here!

the thread on 'baby voices' has proved interesting! never crossed my mind until today just thought it was very odd.

ps i was wondering what fog meant! thanks 

[cartman1]

The only way I could explain abandonment is when I was left with my baby alone for the first time I thought 'oh no I can't deal with this.' And I felt I needed my wife. I guess that feeling is similar but their emotions are a lot stronger and imagine the situation with the baby was life in general. This is the only way I can begin to imagine it and if something isn't overly good I.e. us then it's got to be overly bad with no grey inbetween. We are not supposed to give things from a BPD perspective but I thought I'd give you my opinion on how I try to empathise with my uBPDw.

[123Phoebe]

Hi Lee,

FOG means Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

Here's a link that explains it more in depth:

Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”

Also, if you haven't done so already, check out 'Choosing a Path' to the right of this page -------->

Lots of good info in there

how does an imperfection in another lead to feeling abandonment?

From what I can gather (being a layman) and I guess depending on the imperfection?  It could mean that we're separate (with a mind and will of our own) and not an appendage (controlled by the pwBPD).  Separation = abandonment.  Or I could be way off

[mccarthyhome3]

Lee... .  i know that cold dark stare... .  my uBPDso(i think that's the abbreviation) anyways... i can always tell when he's disregulating... .  his eyes go dark, its creepy... i'm sorry your going thru this, its hard but if u read up on everything it can male it a little easier

washisheart... i think we have the same Guy,lol... .  we never argue, hehas only raged at me acpl times, once bring when I got pregnant... .  but he leaves (kicked me out) over the most ridiculous things... its awful (this is my new word"awful", no other way to explain it all)

[123Phoebe]

Whoops sorry.  I hadn't read all of the responses and repeated a lot of what was already explained

I wonder if there is a link for redundancy disorder?