Why I put myself through this?

[Consumed]

My BPDgf has sucked the life out of me. I try and try and try, but he moods just keep flipping. We live apart, but just down the street from eachother. I spend as much time there as I can. I have always thought this can't work, I am too miserable and she is so sick. I never leave her though. I really feel terrible about myself, really bad. For one, not making any decision to take care of myself and 2nd, continuing to try to please someone that can't be pleased. I adnit I feel fearful about leaving her. I have been a confident, loving person who trys to always have a good attitude. I have catered to her modds for 2 years now and I feel so helpless and beat. Tonight, ended with major anger and mood-swing from hell. I was being loving and she got defensive and mean, totally flipped. The holiday weekend ending in shambles. So I come home and I type on here with my gut in a knot, again! I feel so terrible right now. Why can't I just get away from this woman. I have been the care taker and she has been the taker. I am really hating life right now. Thanks for listening. 

[elemental]

What is triggering her off so much?

Talk to us. 

[mssomebodynice]

I am so sorry you are going through this also.  You are right.  This illness just sucks everything out of a person trying to love a BPD.  I am crying again tonight.  I just don't think I am strong enough to leave when he begins to pull me back in.  There is always the will he pull me back in, and then the has he painted me black?  I love this person but I truly do not want to any more!  I wish they would leave my mind forever.  It is never enough.  Nothing I do is ever enough.  Take, take, take... .  !  It is all so draining.  It is all so disappointing.  I don't expect anything and it is good, because he dosen't give much to me anyway.  I am far from talking stupid material things.  I feel like they have given me their 'lonely" world.  I want my world back.  I don't want to think about him anymore.  This is not fun, or pleasant in anyway.  Hugs to you.  I know how you feel.

[Mupetto]

WOW Clancy,

Your story sounds so familiar. I too have been robed of self. Not all her fault though, obviously I enabled it by continuing to engage in the dysfunctional dance. But like you Clancy I got low. Very low. So low I contemplated self harm and even worse.

Your quoting me (and I guess many others on here) when you say your “… continuing to try and please someone that can’t be pleased”.

These relationships are very one sided. It’s all about them. Yet it’s packed as if it’s all about me. Did my head in to Clancy.

Try and find some peace. It does not sound like it’s down the road at your girlfriends. It sounds like your so low it may be worth your while calling someone and not being alone. Phone (or visit) a friend or a relative. Reach out to someone Clancy. I finally did and was amazed at what happened.

[Consumed]

Elemental,, and others.

    I would really like to know what triggers her, her moods change in a flash. It's so manipulative. She gets defensive, and mean, and she does not care what she says as long as it hurts. I am biting my tongue constantly just so she doesn't get upset. Tonight it was a cycle right in the middle of loving her and caressing her and kissing her. My gut is turning and I have to get up in the morning for work. I just can't love enough, or treat her good enough or say the right thing. Thank you all for listening. I am having a very tough night. This has been going on since about 6 months into the R. It's now a little over 2 years and I am anxious and a shell of myself. I don't know why I can't just walk away. Thanks again. I really do need this message board right now.

[NikiTea]

I hope you feel like you CAN leave and walk away if you had to. Even if you choose to stay, I hope you can empower yourself enough to know when to draw the line.

Don't let the "F.O.G." get in your way and cloud your judgement. Try to look at your relationship from an outside perspective without all the emotional attachments. If its unhealthy for you I do not think you should put yourself through this.

[Surnia]

clancygt

I hear your desperation! 

Yes, she get triggered, she has mood swings. This is her illness. It is not about you. When you found what it was that time, the next time it will be something else.

Time to stepping back. As others said before: Try to have more sleep. Focus on yourself.

Did you ever consider to work with a therapist?

[Validation78]

Hi Clancy!

Sorry to hear all of the pain and anguish in your words! I, as most of us here understand what you are feeling since we have, and or do experience similar feelings in our relationships!

What helped me in the darkest of times was reaching out to my family and friends. They built me back up to the place where I belong. They validated my feelings, and let me know that I am not the person that my pwBPD made me feel like I was. They also reminded me that this is not the end of the line for me. There's a world out there, filled with good people who want good, healthy relationships that can be mutually satisfying. You must take the steps in order to feel better about yourself and you life, and you don't have to do it alone! Reach out for help, and you may be surprised what life has in store for you!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Consumed]

I haven't reached out for a little while. I have talked to ears off of friends and I think they get a glazed look on their face and think I should just walk away, which I should. She lost it last night and this morning was apologizing, so now I wait for the next one, because I say "it's ok" once again. Then I say to myself, "the next time, that's it" again. I feel pathetic, can't seem to make any decision except to try to help her calm down or look at things differently, which never happens. I know I'm totally and ultimately responsible for myself. I feel stuck more every day. Thank you for your words of experience and wisdom. This has been the hardest 2 years of my life and you all understand.

[Validation78]

Hi again Clancy!

Sorry you are still feeling down and stuck in a cycle of misery and pain.

Since it sounds like you are going to continue working on the relationship, have you thought about reading through The Lessons on the staying board? You may find them very helpful and what I have found is essential in an attempt to make my relationship work is my commitment to go about everything differently. If I don't make changes in the way I interact with pwBPD, I can expect things to continue to be intolerable. There is hope, and it starts with us, making changes, in ourselves and in our lives!

Best Wishes,

Val78