So glad I broke LC to see what was what

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My HUSBAND and I are in the early stages of separation and D. We have had basically 6 weeks of no speaking or visiting. Two text conversations.

I went to see him NYE and SO glad and relieved I did. stbxBPDhchanged some items, ran a few errands had lunch and went home.

Relieved.

I realize NC is good-but we may need to see each other in court, still. I certainly hope not.

I agree that the visit stirred up some residual feelings... .  but WOW, not the ones I expected.

He's still resentful, irritated, blaming and attacking me.

Via text he can say nice things, and seem friendly... .  but in person he's NOT my friend at all. He made no effort beyond airing his past grievances, and demands that I conform... if we decide down the road to reconcile.

In the harsh light of day... .  I saw what I needed to see. A self absorbed man, who requires the spotlight, who expects a groveling slave. Not a partner. Not a lover. Not a friend.

A man who cannot give me the kindness, care and warmth I deserve.

A man who wanted to rant yet again about how I never turned my pension over to him-and he had to pay and pay (for HIS house!)

When not lecturing me, he was a scattered, distracted mess. And for that I felt sorry.

Sorry that I didn't leave last summer.

I wanted to see for myself whether or not he could make amends for his part. He could not. I did though. I feel better. Sadder and wiser.

GL

[gina louise]

My HUSBAND and I are in the early stages of separation and D. We have had basically 6 weeks of no speaking or visiting. Two text conversations.

I went to see him NYE and SO glad and relieved I did. stbxBPDhchanged some items, ran a few errands had lunch and went home.

Relieved.

I realize NC is good-but we may need to see each other in court, still. I certainly hope not.

I agree that the visit stirred up some residual feelings... .  but WOW, not the ones I expected.

He's still resentful, irritated, blaming and attacking me.

Via text he can say nice things, and seem friendly... .  but in person he's NOT my friend at all. He made no effort beyond airing his past grievances, and demands that I conform... if we decide down the road to reconcile.

In the harsh light of day... .  I saw what I needed to see. A self absorbed man, who requires the spotlight, who expects a groveling slave. Not a partner. Not a lover. Not a friend.

A man who cannot give me the kindness, care and warmth I deserve.

A man who wanted to rant yet again about how I never turned my pension over to him-and he had to pay and pay (for HIS house!)

When not lecturing me, he was a scattered, distracted mess. And for that I felt sorry.

Sorry that I didn't leave last summer.

I wanted to see for myself whether or not he could make amends for his part. He could not. I did though. I feel better. Sadder and wiser.

GL

[letmeout]

I fixed the crazy texts by getting a track phone, giving him that number, then never turning the thing on. Never had to read another crazy text again.

It satisfied him that he could rage like a lunatic in a text, and it saved my sanity.

win win? I think so.

[OTH]

I wanted to see for myself whether or not he could make amends for his part. He could not. I did though. I feel better. Sadder and wiser.

GL

It is very difficult to reach the conclusion that we were with a disordered partner and cannot be heard. Logically it makes sense but our emotions lead our decision making. How to put the head above the heart?

[myself]

Much of these relationships is about 'seeing' something. You saw what was what. Saw the light. Seeing is believing. The FOG is clearing. Look within yourself. Mirrors. Projections. Focus. See? Good for you for having gone eye to eye. Sorry for what you saw. Having seen it, it can't be unseen. Paying attention to your own perceptions, seeing yourself for who you really are and following through with that vision, is best, as you're doing.

[bpdspell]

Hey Gina Louise,

The utter frustration of communicating with someone who has a mental illness is enough to make you jump out of the nearest window. But continue to be strong in your healing and growth. I recycled twice with my ex and with the last go around the blaming, projection, and invalidation became so intolerable that I broke down and cried in a way I hadn't since childhood. I consider myself a tough cookie but you cannot communicate with mental illness. It is an impenetrable brick wall. Nothing you say can break down those defenses of shame, blame, and toxicity.

Our last recycle was the final straw. I saw enough and I had enough. I was so disgusted with him and his antics that I finally waved my white flag of surrender. I had given him so many chances to save us, rescue us, love me fully, treat me better, respect me more... .  but he blew them all because of BPD. In between time apart I wanted him to miss me, straighten up and fly right, and correct what he so easily violated and broken. But no avail. Gina. Our significant others (and now my ex) are very sick men.

Spell

[HardTruth]

Good job, GL!  on seeing who he really is and what he has to offer you.  And on the healing and work you've done which has helped the FOG to clear. 

[gina louise]

thanks,

It was not as harsh and painful as I'd anticipated. I expected worse. And I expected to feel worse driving away, again. I didn't. I had things to do.

I do miss the good times. There is a good part of a good man in there somewhere. And I saw glimpses of that. But mostly he was a miserably unhappy, discontent person who wanted to blame me and straighten me out. Not really meet me halfway. No compromises.

The funny part was he kept saying-You aren't arguing! WHY?

And I would validate.

He couldn't fight a one sided fight with me so he finally gave up.

But I wasn't inclined to reconnect or reconcile with the man I saw. I mostly felt sorry for him. He hasn't changed in the 4 years I've known him, at all. Still toxic.

GL

[letmeout]

You cannot communicate with mental illness. It is an impenetrable brick wall. Nothing you say can break down those defenses of shame, blame, and toxicity.

Spell

Sadly, it took me years to figure that out.

[gina louise]

OTH


How to put the head above the heart?



that's just IT.

God in his wisdom DID put our heads above our hearts. Pretty much directly. We just forget.

Or ignore.


GL