MAN Using the Communication Tools is HARD

[Elsegundo]

So, I'm on the leaving board, which is accurate about my ex.  But I've been reading up on the communication tools (and all the workshops, really), and for a few days my ex and I sort of tried recently tried to be "friends" for a bit.  I did try them.  I tried to establish a boundary around texting/talking.  Sometimes she'll disappear in the midst for an undetermined time.  I hate it.  More than anything.  So I tried to validate her, said I know she gets overwhelmed sometimes when we talk she disappears and she knows I don't like it.  I stated that I needed her to know that if I'm talking to her and it happens, I won't be able to maintain a connection.  She said she understood.

I told her that even is she'd say anything at all/ask for space when she was overwhelmed, that would be ok.  It worked for awhile!  Once she got overwhelmed (I assume since she started to disappear), I reminded her of the agreement, and she told me a joke.  Ok.  Fair enough.  I consider it a win for us both. 

Then, when I saw things were spiraling, I validated her more.  It pulled things back up!  And I was able to negotiate. 

It was messy, and not exactly in order, but the bits I tried worked.  And I'm not sure how I did with the boundary setting, but it was new too and seemed promising.  It's making me want to work on my communication overall!  I've also got a relative wBPD, so I think this will be useful for interactions with him. 

I'll take feedback, and suggestions for improvement if you've got it.  I feel really empowered!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[elemental]

She is disappearing from texting?

It sounds like trying to train a cat 

Honestly it does sound like a lot of work. You  just reconnected. Are you sure you want to put a boundry in here? Most people I know drift in and out from texting and IM's, often without a word.

What I would do, is make a boundry with your own self without really involving her, like:

When my friend stops responding to my text and seems to have drifted off, I will go do something else I really enjoy and not be as available to her the next time.

My bf does this, too, but I realized the reason I felt *unfairly probably* annoyed at him for it so much is because I wanted him to care more about me. Well. Right now, he doesn't.

In order to gain the respect from him, I am having to learn some lessons about my own life and my own self. I am ok with that. Chasing him around is really not on my agenda. It got old a long time ago. 

[Elsegundo]

I like your idea of creating a boundary with me. 

The "disappearing act" I'm referring to isn't over mundane topics or random texts throughout the day--there's a normal ebb and flow to that, and people get busy.  No big deal. 

She's a big texter, and sometimes to start tough conversations, we'll take a stab at it over text because it makes her more comfortable, and then we can follow up in person with less pressure.  But sometimes in the midst of that, she disappears.  I think it's either/sometimes the silent treatment, though at others I'm starting to think she might be trying to calm herself from being overwhelmed.  Whatever it is, she shuts down. 

I don't like it.  But if she's in need of space, all she has to do is ask for it.  But disappearing in the midst of things with no word isn't ok with me.  That's what I was gently trying to establish.  Good pt you make, though, which is why it needed to be said upon just reconnecting.  I thought actually that it was a good thing to do so it'd feel good for both of us.  Was it a rookie move?  I don't chase her anymore when she does it, but I do verify that's what's happening and try to give her a chance to take a break instead (though I just started that). 

I'm currently debating just blocking her number b/c of all the drains of "cat training", but am still interested in using these tools with my relative, an uBPD stepdad (is it undiagnosed if he denies it but a therapist said he has it?). 

[an0ught]

Just a thought: The disappearing act may be related to splitting which is a common BPD symptom. Splitting can cause sudden mind shifts. And if that would be the case her reality shifts without her being in control. Which would make it hard for her to explain and pretty impossible to ask for your permission.

It sure can be irritating.

If it is splitting it can't be controlled - neither by her nor by you. Indirectly lower emotional excitement levels will make it less frequent to happen but in the break-up phase emotions are not always level so it will happen some times.

[laelle]

"if she's in need of space, all she has to do is ask for it"

While this is nice in theory, she doesnt have to ask for it.  Its her life (as disoriented as it is) as much as your life belongs to you.

Thanks to the wonderful folks here, I am developing the ability to say that its healthy that he takes space when he is dysregulated.  It teaches him to self soothe and takes the pressure off me to fix it. On another note, I cant control him, and he can do as he wishes.  Its up to me to decide what I will do if his wishes cross my boundaries set up for my own protection.

I can only control myself.  Learn to shrug it off... .  if she is going afk from "important" discussions she has started by text, its a pretty good clue that its not really that important to her.  For your own sake and sanity learn to let some of this stuff roll off your back.

[waverider]

Is she impulse driven? My partner is, when she has the impulse to do something she will have to do it immediately and repeatedly until suddenly the impulse evaporates... Then nothing, yadda, cant be motivated to to anything. Then hit by another impulse wave and then satisfying that is urgent. Zero continuity

Often the task is not even anywhere complete when the impulse evaporates. Leaving endless "urgent and pressing" things undone, and everyone else left hanging.

Nothing much you can do about it exepct get used to it and not get drawn into the urgency of issues.

[Elsegundo]

This has been really eye-opening for me: about us both.  I decided to ask her about it after reading all these comments and it turns out that indeed it happens in the moment and she can't control it.  Whoa!

I think I'm truly at the tip of the iceberg of understanding.  And it's interesting to see that I did misuse the boundary.  I never thought if it as her needing permission, just stating "I'm taking a break now", but I don't know that I put it like that.  It's a little frustrating that she agreed to it bc that just made it look like a crappy choice.

[yeeter]

It sounds like a breakthrough Elsee - that you are discovering some new tools and ways of interacting.  Well done!

Dont dismiss entirely the possibility that when she says 'she needs space', or disappears - that this is exactly what she needs!

Maybe she needs to go off on her own.  Process.  Analyze.  Get her own emotions under control and figure out what her thoughts really are even.  And then come back and re-engage.

I personally find email to be a very effective way to communicate difficult topics.  It allows me to organize my thoughts, and sometimes allows me the time to think about what my thoughts really are.  In real time face to face you cant always do this.

My advice:  Keep practicing the validation!  Sounds like it helped, and can be applied productively to many different people in your life.   The more you do it, the easier and more natural it becomes. 

[Elsegundo]

All so useful. 

Admission: I realize that sometimes her BPD pushes on my own fear of abandonment (though incidentally, I've been learning to let that go).  How do you handle things like that? 

[laelle]

I have to soothe myself about it and say.  "I cant own another person or their actions, and by letting them soothe their pain as they need to, it frees me to soothe mine as I need to.  When I allow my bf the space he needs to deal with his inner turmoil, he gives me the same freedom back.

Mindfulness helps alot with the fear of abandonment.  In my case he is the one who rages but I am the one who always leaves, so he is the one who has to deal more with the abandonment issues.

[Elsegundo]

How do you tell the difference between time to think/process/analyze and the silent treatment?

[yeeter]

Interesting question elsee

My first thought is that if I'm focused on my own behavior, this difference may be meaningless. (my actions are the same... .  Go about my life and let them figure themselves out)

[waverider]

How do you tell the difference between time to think/process/analyze and the silent treatment?

You dont need to. Accept that it is what it is regardless of the reason. Acknowledge, offer support, then get on with your own thing. If your reaction is the same regardless of the cause then you wont fall into the trap of making the wrong assumption which can be a trap.

[waverider]

All so useful. 

Admission: I realize that sometimes her BPD pushes on my own fear of abandonment (though incidentally, I've been learning to let that go).  How do you handle things like that? 

Build on your own sense of self. If you act and behave according to what you believe is right, you wont question yourself as much. If you are constantly acting and thinking reactively based on  what she may think and do it leaves too much room for self doubt. That is you can start allowing your logic being judged by an illogical mind.

Self doubt is a critical weakness when dealing with a BPD relationship. This leads to easily into Gaslighting

[Elsegundo]

Thanks.  You hit the nail on the (over thinking) head.

I think this is why I met her at this point in my life, and that is the lesson she's brought--to work on my communication and consistently taking care of myself with the same love and gentleness that I would anyone I love.  I  am so ready for this chapter of my life.