Crushed

[different_drummer]

Hi all,

It's been awhile since I posted but here I am again.  Needing an outlet to vent I suppose... .  

My history with my pwBPD wife is documented here in other posts so I won't re-hash it all.  Suffice it to say that 2012 was by far the worst year of my life and my marriage.  I went to a therapist (again) for half a dozen sessions or so and was feeling really good about myself, and very much re-committed to my marriage.  Late August through mid- December things were going really, really well.  Our communication was improving, we seemed to be seeing eye-to-eye, we were making big plans for the future.  I hadn't been this happy or confident in YEARS.  It wasn't all wine and roses, as you all know, but it was soo much better.


The first "snafu" happened on Decembver 16th, the night of my company Christmas party.  I was actually really excited about it for a change.  For the first time in years my wife and I were going to attend and we were in really good shape, so I really thought we'd go and have a good time.  2 hours before we're supposed to be walking out the door, she hits me with "I don't want to go.  Is there any reason other than obligation that we're going?"  I told her, yes I did feel obligated (I'm in management, so it doesn't look good for me to miss these things, plus we'd already sent in the RSVP and I had the tickets- not showing up makes me look like a flake and frankly it's embarrassing to have everyone ask me where I was) but that I was also really looking forward to having a night out with my wife and I thought we'd actually have fun.  Then KA-BOOM!  I was called a liar, manipulator and worse and accused of TRYING to ruin Christmas.  Three days following this party we were schuled to go to San Francisco - she and my daughter had tix for the Nutcracker.  I was to drive them up, then they were spending the night after the show and I was going back to pick them up the next day and spend a day in SF, checking out the Christmas decor, have lunch and maybe a little shopping.  She cancelled my involvement immediately after the fight over the party, only to relent on Monday.  I went back to the city to commence our plans and she completely blew her stack because it was so crowded and we couldn't find anywhere to park, etc.  We ended up coming home doing nothing.  Essentially, I took two days off from work to be her taxi service.

The rest of December went pretty smoothly.  Christmas day was nice, we had some nice time with my folks (she's completely estranged from her family for over a decade).  In short, everything was back to "normal".  Fast forward to New Years Day.  Everything started out so well.  I woke up before my wife and just laid in bed, snuggled up against her, feeling so happy and optimistic and in love.  Feeling really great.  Around 4 o'clock she tells me she's going to cook X for dinner, then a short while later she tells me she's not feeling well and she's not cooking.  "OK", I said.  Then she goes to the bathroom and when she comes out, goes to our room and slams the door without saying a word.  My daughter asked me if she was mad about something and I said, no, I don't think so and went in the room to see what was up.  She started going off about how sick she was and that I didn't care about her, how hard she's worked on our marriage, how much she contributes.  That I should have offered her some tea and toast and to make dinner, etc.  That she's been trying so hard and I don't appreciate her or the things she does for our family and on and on and on. Things just went ballistic, it was awful.  After a while things cooled down, I cooked dinner, and we all watched a movie.  She took Nyquil and went to bed and I followed shortly after. 

This morning, I was up for work, but made her a pot of tea before I left and left her a note saying I was sorry about the fight, that I loved her and that every day is a chance to get it right.  i didn't hear from her all morning, so at lunch I went home to check on her.  She was asleep again, so I spent a few minutes with my daughter and went back to work.  About 10 minutes before I'm to leave work for the day she finaly calls and says she's scared to have me come home and that she's going to take more medicine and go back to sleep - right then one of my "clients' walks in my office, so I asked her to hold on a second and she hung up on me.  Then she started up the hostile phone calls/text messages and tells me "It's over" and not to come home tonight.  She blocked my number on her phone and so far hasn't replied to my emails.  She Had our daughter bring out a bag of clothes so I can sleep in the car or my office floor again.  I swear last year I spent at least 2 weeks sleeping in the car or on my office floor over this nonsense, not to mention the week or so I spent at my parent's house.  New Years Day LAST year was almost a carbon copy of this year, only I wasn't feeling very optimistic and was still carrying a lot of resentment and anger towards her.  I've grown to fear and despise holidays because of her behavior.

I'm just crushed.  I feel like a fool for thinking things would work out and we'd be whole again.  I spent a long time "undecided", but this last year I really re-committed myself and have been trying so hard to get things back on track.  I love her dearly and want my wife and daughter to be part of my life, but there just doesn't seem to be an end to this.  All 4 therapists I've seen have said I would be facing an uphill battle and that she really needs to get help, that I can't do it alone.  At the very least we need to go to marriage counseling.  But she won't hear of it.  Everything is my fault, she's the only one that contributes, she's the one that overlooks "all the annoying things" I do.

I cannot take another year of this.  I just can't.  Thanks for listening.  Sorry 'bout the rant... .  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[elemental]

Did she say why she is scared to have you come home?

[different_drummer]

Did she say why she is scared to have you come home?

It started as "I don't want to see you, I've been crying all day and if I see you I'm just going to keep crying because you've hurt me so badly"  Right then is when I was interrupted and she hung up on me.  I really never understood what the problem was, and then afterwards she brought out all kinds of stuff, going back through years of percieved wrongs that I've committed.

Short answer: I have no earthly idea.

One thing I've never understood is why when things go bad, and she's so distraught because she wants our marriage so badly, that she pushes me away completely.  I know it is a defense mechanism and partly a control issue, but I've never understood how someone could think pushing someone away, especially in such a hostile and cruel way, will bring people closer together.  But then again everytime it happens I spend days or weeks begging forgiveness and professing my love and promising to keep trying... .    So in that regard she does get what she wants - my undivided attention.  Co-dependency at work?  I truly try every day to be a good husband to her and now that I realize she's manipulating me a lot of the time - thanks to insight from my T - these episodes make me resentful.  All the grovelling I do seems phony because I don't believe most of the garbage she spews yet I apologize over and over again.  I feel that I'm doing a disservice to her, yet it's the ONLY thing that seems to bring her back in to the "real world", at least for awhile.  I feel weak and pathetic when I beg to be forgiven for some imagined wrongdoing.  It saps the self-esteem right out of me.

[downandin]

Gosh, your story and mine are almost identical.  It never ceases to amaze me how similar so many of the stories you read here are.  I don't know if my story will offer anything of value, but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

For me, on New Year's Eve we were going to dinner with friends.  We already had reservations, and then, as we are starting to get ready, she says, "I don't feel well and don't want to go."  I have learned not to allow such proclamations to lead me to say anything, so I just kept getting ready.  Then as she was dressing she said, "I don't have anything to wear."  Again, I just kept quiet.  She eventually did find something to wear, we went to dinner, and had a good time.  I don't know if it helps at all, but this is how I have learned to deal with this.  It seems they are always seeking out 'verbal' conflict and sometimes just letting them say what is on their mind without replying at all seems to work best.  We never have a holiday or vacation that is not filled with this kind of drama, so I am quiet used to it by now.

Happy New Year, anyway!

[Wrongturn1]

She Had our daughter bring out a bag of clothes so I can sleep in the car or my office floor again.  I swear last year I spent at least 2 weeks sleeping in the car or on my office floor over this nonsense, not to mention the week or so I spent at my parent's house. 

Hello to all and happy 2013.  Has been awhile since I posted, but I will try to be more active on the boards here going forward.

Different Drummer: I can relate to the meltdowns out of nowhere that eventually lead to her reciting the laundry list of your perceived wrongdoings from decades past.  Regarding the sleeping in your car or office floor, I would encourage you not to do that.  Sleeping in cars and on office floors is for spouses who behave badly, and as far as I can tell, you are a good spouse.  It would be reasonable for you to tell her that you will be sleeping in the bed and that if she does not want to be in the same bed with you, she can find someplace else to sleep.  Something along the lines of the following:

Her: "You've hurt me so much - I don't want to be near you - go sleep in your car/office!"

You: "I need quality sleep in order to function at work and provide for our family.  I sleep well in our bed but not in the car/office, so I will be sleeping in our bed tonight.  If you do not wish to be near me, you are free to sleep on the couch/guest bedroom/etc."

Her: "snarf-blegh-##$#&^$%"

You: "Love ya, good night" (rolling over and starting to snore)

What's the worst that could happen?  She could rage at you, but she'll do that anyway.  She could leave you, and you would finally have some peace in life.  Or she could eventually accept your boundary that you will sleep in your bed and you end up feeling better about yourself.

Also, about couples counseling, I have heard multiple times that it is not typically effective when one of the partners has BPD.  I don't know this first-hand b/c I stopped trying to get my uBPDw into couples counseling once I got a firm understanding of the disorder.  But your mileage may vary, so please keep us posted if you go to counseling together.

[united for now]

When the crash comes after a long period of peace it can feel devasting  :'(

I can feel your pain and deep shame with the begging and the pleading. I did that dance myself and it got me nowhere. I think it hurts even more once you recognize it for what it is - her needing to feel in control of you, to blame you.

The two of you have developed an unhealthy dance that centers around her pain and fears. Each of you has a role though, thus it can be changed.

Are you still working with a T?

If not, I suggest you start again. We need all the support we can get.

In the mean time, can you tell me what happens when you don't play her game?

How does she respond?

How does that make you feel?

[different_drummer]

She Had our daughter bring out a bag of clothes so I can sleep in the car or my office floor again.  I swear last year I spent at least 2 weeks sleeping in the car or on my office floor over this nonsense, not to mention the week or so I spent at my parent's house. 

  Regarding the sleeping in your car or office floor, I would encourage you not to do that.

My most recent T said essentially the same thing.  I haven't fought her on it because; 1.  I'm weak-willed from decades of this behavior, and 2. I would rather suffer the discomfort of the floor or the car than fight anymore.  And the floor won't yell at me.

What's the worst that could happen? 

The neighbors call the cops.  Again.  Violence.  Irreparable damage to my marriage and my relationship with my daughter... .  

Also, about couples counseling, I have heard multiple times that it is not typically effective when one of the partners has BPD.  I don't know this first-hand b/c I stopped trying to get my uBPDw into couples counseling once I got a firm understanding of the disorder.  But your mileage may vary, so please keep us posted if you go to counseling together.

We tried marriage counseling about 10 years ago and it was a disaster.  My new T asked me to bring her in with me after my 1st session and I couldn't bring myself to ask her to go.  By my 3rd session, once she had gotten to know me a bit and our situation, she said she wouldn't see us as a couple.  The therapist before her, who had worked extensively with BPD said basically, I will spend my entire life fighting a losing battle, so suck it up or leave altogether.  I wasn't ready to do that... .  

[Rockylove]

I would suggest that you seek counseling for yourself only at this point.  I actually went to 5 different ones before finding someone who I felt understood and could  relate to me in a way that made sense to me.  I hope you find some peace of mind and get rest... .  it's important for healing.

[waverider]

We tried marriage counseling about 10 years ago and it was a disaster.  My new T asked me to bring her in with me after my 1st session and I couldn't bring myself to ask her to go.  By my 3rd session, once she had gotten to know me a bit and our situation, she said she wouldn't see us as a couple.  The therapist before her, who had worked extensively with BPD said basically, I will spend my entire life fighting a losing battle, so suck it up or leave altogether.  I wasn't ready to do that... .  

MC wont work while one part is in complete denial and hell bent on blaming the other.

T is right to a degree you cant change her unless she faces the real issues and seeks her own treatment. As long as you allow her to project her dramas on to you as a way of coping, she will not do this. Leaving her to face her own dramas will greatly increase the chance that she may acknowledge them as her issues, and hence on towards a more effective process of addressing them.

As long as you are sucked into the drama, then it is a drama shared, along with the blame in her eyes. With a pwBPD a blame shared is wholly yours. hence the projection is complete. You are a **&&^ and she is the victim.

Sucking up and trying to do the right thing in her eyes, is the wrong thing. Do what is right in your eyes, and whether that is good enough or not in her eyes is her problem.

If you continue as is, the dramas will continue. There is no getting over the next drama then smooth sailing, it is not the drama that is the issue, it is the need for drama that is the real problem. That will continue unless it is addressed, as drama is her current medication for her underlying problem

[almost789]

Oh my goodness... .  my heartbreaks for you. I cant imagine tolerating this abuse.  I agree, i would not allow her to kick you out of your bed. You said you cant take another year of this. Have u done all the skills here? If so, and still no improvement. You need to protect yourself. Your daughter will respect you for this. She is why you are weak willed, similar to Stockholm syndrome.  Protect yourself. Take care of you. I cant tell u to leave, this is the staying board after all, but this is abuse.

[elemental]

Waverider, what do you mean leaving her to face her own dramas?

What stops BPD from projecting dramas on other people?

I don't understand, in practice... how can you not allow it?

Do you just ignore them?

[different_drummer]

I'm not sure what's going on, but the last two posts I've made disappeared into cyberspace, so I'll try again, without the quotes... .  

United For Now:  

I haven't seen a T since last October.  I really liked her and thought I made some good progress but financially, I just couldn't swing it.  My Ts that I saw through my insurance provider were horrible and I was lucky if I could get an appt. once every 6 weeks.

I did call my new Employee Assistance line today, and they are setting me up with someone for free, but only "1 to 5 sessions"... .  better than nothing, right?

As for what happens when I don't "play her game"... .  Rage, rage, rage and rage some more.  Horrendous name calling, belittling, throwing things, breaking things, threatening me with "ruin", threatening to call my parents and "tell them everything", calling my boss and getting me fired (for what, I don't know), having me "sent to jail" (again, for what, I don't know), telling me I'll never see our daughter again, threatening suicide (this has happened at least 30 times in our 24 years together), blocking my phone/cutting off contact unless SHE initiates it, taking my wedding ring, taking off her wedding ring, throwing me out of the house... .   I could go on, but you get the idea.  The rage is unbelievably frightening.

How does it make me feel?  I'm always bewildered at first, because I think I MUST have done something.  Then comes the anger/resentment, then worry about her and what she might do, because really, you just never know.  If it drags out too long depression sets in, and general sadness.

[waverider]

Waverider, what do you mean leaving her to face her own dramas?

What stops BPD from projecting dramas on other people?

I don't understand, in practice... how can you not allow it?

Do you just ignore them?

Disengage, do not say and do things as a result of what she says or does. Do not get bogged in SET and attempting to fix smooth over. You use SET then once you have said what you believe to be the truth (if you feel it is important enough to need saying). Then you disengage. Dont try to fix or rectify.

If you leave, dont come back trying to fix it, you stay gone until they have fixed themselves. They want you to fix their problems, rather than fix it themselves. If they trash the house, they clean up even if it takes all week.

Be proactive in your own life rather than reactive to theirs. You are not one, you are individuals.

Two people arguing is conflict. One shuts up it becomes a monologue, which one do you think is the biggest adrenelin fix? Which one gets least rewarding first.

You are expected to sleep in the car/office, she feels in charge, you punished. Dont, go have a weekend in a motel by the beach/lake/somewhere tranquil, make the break good for you rather than a penance. If she wants to swap places let her, it was her choice to kick you out. You made it your choice to "bum it" rather than a well deserved break

[different_drummer]

Oh my goodness... .  my heartbreaks for you. I cant imagine tolerating this abuse.  I agree, i would not allow her to kick you out of your bed. You said you cant take another year of this. Have u done all the skills here? If so, and still no improvement. You need to protect yourself. Your daughter will respect you for this. She is why you are weak willed, similar to Stockholm syndrome.  Protect yourself. Take care of you. I cant tell u to leave, this is the staying board after all, but this is abuse.

It's funny you should say abuse.  Not "ha ha" funny, but interesting.  That is one of the things I'm most often accused of being toward her.  It wasn't until my last therapist that is was said that I'm being abused.  Honestly I was in shock when she said it, but when I stepped back and looked at it, I know it to be true.  I was just in denial because she's ill and "can't help herself".

My daughter is the only reason I've stayed. She's also the reason I can't bring myself to think things like "I wish I'd never met her" or "I never should have married her", she's really the light of my life, which is often used as a weapon against me.  She's old enough now that she knows something is seriously wrong with her mother, but outwardly she ALWAYS takes "her side" when things fall apart.  I don't know if it's just her sweet nature to try and smooth things over or if it's fear of it being turned on her if she disagrees with anything her mother says about me.  Probably a little of both... .    She's been on the receiving end a couple times, but never anywhere near as horribly as I get it.

[waverider]

I'm not sure what's going on, but the last two posts I've made disappeared into cyberspace, so I'll try again, without the quotes... .  

United For Now:  

I haven't seen a T since last October.  I really liked her and thought I made some good progress but financially, I just couldn't swing it.  My Ts that I saw through my insurance provider were horrible and I was lucky if I could get an appt. once every 6 weeks.

I did call my new Employee Assistance line today, and they are setting me up with someone for free, but only "1 to 5 sessions"... .  better than nothing, right?

As for what happens when I don't "play her game"... .  Rage, rage, rage and rage some more.  Horrendous name calling, belittling, throwing things, breaking things, threatening me with "ruin", threatening to call my parents and "tell them everything", calling my boss and getting me fired (for what, I don't know), having me "sent to jail" (again, for what, I don't know), telling me I'll never see our daughter again, threatening suicide (this has happened at least 30 times in our 24 years together), blocking my phone/cutting off contact unless SHE initiates it, taking my wedding ring, taking off her wedding ring, throwing me out of the house... .   I could go on, but you get the idea.  The rage is unbelievably frightening.

How does it make me feel?  I'm always bewildered at first, because I think I MUST have done something.  Then comes the anger/resentment, then worry about her and what she might do, because really, you just never know.  If it drags out too long depression sets in, and general sadness.

You cant stop her doing anything, so let her make all the threats in the world, even attempt to carry them out if she is up to it. Most will be bluff or have little effect, at the least show her up as being petty and with issues. By putting up with them you are teaching her that lots of threats are a way to keep you engaged in the drama.

Serious suicide threats call the authorities, and she can bluff them or give up on the threats. You did what you were supposed to then, and not just let it be a guilt trip.

[waverider]

Reacting to abuse just makes the projection of you being the abuser all that much more easy. It is probably why your daughter finds it hard to tell who has the issues. She just sees two parents having conflict, and she hates.

Stop reacting, explain why to your daughter and she will see that you are the one trying to do the right thing

[almost789]

Well if your going to stay youll have to take back some control. Shes completely dominating and abusive and the more you take to keep the peace the worse shes going to get. Get forceful, raise your voice if you have to  to  knock some sense into her and show her you are not taking anymore. If youve never done this she will be shocked. Decide what you will and wont do and do it, no matter what she does. Do not let her intimidate you with threats. So what if she calls the cops. What is she going to say? Dont get physical with her, audio record if your afraid shell say its u.   Shes like an unruly teen, dont give her control.

Your daughter needs you to take contol of this situation... your not helping her by accepting this abuse.

If u  do this u may be suprised that she calms down a bit.

[elemental]

Drummer, maybe you can prepare ahead of time and pick out a nice place to stay overnight so you have a comfortable and safe place to get some sleep and relax.

I am with Waverider on this. Your wife is kind of punishing you and you can put a stop to your suffering on a practical level when she kicks you out by having a place to go that doesn't involve giving her the feeling she gets to push you around.

That is a really good way to not put up with it.

Also, I reacted badly to abuse in the last year. It got me nowhere except feeling terrible about myself and I end up doubting my own decency and anyone watching... all they saw was me reacting and my BPD got supported and validated for being treated badly because he was abusing me in private and I was reacting publically.

He used this to promote himself as blameless in what he had done and to focus on my behavior rather than his own part.

It really sucks.

[almost789]

Several problems i see with leaving your home because shes being a brat.

1. Do u have the extra money to go somewhere else and stay everytime she has a tantrum?

2. Will your daughter go with u or stay with her, this will be a major conflict for your daughter... .  who to go with? Your wife probably want her to stay home... .  is that safe to lea ve her there with her raging mom? And if u take her with u then what? What will mom do now? Claim abduction or something. Big issues here.

3. Why on earth should u have to leave YOUR house cause shes having a tantrum.

Again, she has control.

[different_drummer]

Several problems i see with leaving your home because shes being a brat.

1. Do u have the extra money to go somewhere else and stay everytime she has a tantrum? No, not even a little.  In addition to all the verbal garbage I also have reckless spending to deal with, among other things.  One of the biggest problems we have, and that leads to many quarrels, is finances.  We're hanging by a thread.

2. Will your daughter go with u or stay with her, this will be a major conflict for your daughter... .  who to go with? Your wife probably want her to stay home... .  is that safe to lea ve her there with her raging mom? And if u take her with u then what? What will mom do now? Claim abduction or something. Big issues here. 99.999% sure she'd stay with Mom.  She kind of takes over the "caretaker" role when I'm on the outs.  She's a good kid and knows Mom is sick, she would feel like she was abondoning her.  As far as abducting, she's 18, so that's one thing I don't think I'd have to worry about.  My guess, if she left with me Mom would put her in the "evil betrayer" column and probably cut her out of her life.  That is what she's done with pretty much everyone in her life that has "crossed" her.  The last contact she had with any of her family was about 8 years ago.  She hasn't seen or spoken to her own mother for over 20 years.  We don't even know if she's alive or dead.  It's been about 10 years since she's spoken to or seen her father

3. Why on earth should u have to leave YOUR house cause shes having a tantrum. I only leave to escape the rages and the fighting.  I know I could put up a fight about it, after all, my name is on the lease and I pay the rent.  I choose not to fight and at the very least try to keep things quiet - if not "normal" - for our daughter.

Again, she has control. Yes, she does.  It's just not in my nature to fight and argue, much to my detriment in this case.

[/color]

[almost789]

Its not about fighting and arguing. You should not be engaging in her nonsensical arguments. Its about firmly taking a stand,  and not being a victim.

[SeekerofTruth]

The first "snafu" happened on Decembver 16th, the night of my company Christmas party.  I was actually really excited about it for a change.  For the first time in years my wife and I were going to attend and we were in really good shape, so I really thought we'd go and have a good time.  2 hours before we're supposed to be walking out the door, she hits me with "I don't want to go.  Is there any reason other than obligation that we're going?"  I told her, yes I did feel obligated (I'm in management, so it doesn't look good for me to miss these things, plus we'd already sent in the RSVP and I had the tickets- not showing up makes me look like a flake and frankly it's embarrassing to have everyone ask me where I was) but that I was also really looking forward to having a night out with my wife and I thought we'd actually have fun.  Then KA-BOOM!  I was called a liar, manipulator and worse and accused of TRYING to ruin Christmas.   

Drummer - I'm so sorry to hear about how her intense mood instability and interpersonal chaos acted out so destructively during such an important, responsible, and adult moment you very clearly were looking forward to.  That kind of inside-out flip flop is so hurtful.

As far as the MC is concerned, it is no panacea.  A lot of times the "it" issues rarely get addressed, and if they do... .  by the time your next session rolls around... .  you  hardly ever get back to "it" that successfully builds upon a mutual foundation.  Instead just as lucky, the T can also easily get

sucked into the drama, then it is a drama shared, along with the blame in her eyes. With a pwBPD a blame shared is wholly yours. hence the projection is complete. You are a **&&^ and she is the victim.

So steady follow-thru of issues between sessions in order to 1st: "establish" and then 2nd: "maintain" some therapuetic gains is a very tough go with pd.  For example, we've been in MC since April.  Finally, Finally... .  last session T even tells her point blank "You don't respect him", which for me was illuminating because while I internally know it, to see it reflected by someone else is sorta validating but validating in a way that says you got your hands full here buddy.   And it wasn't about her being openly nasty, mean, and vindictive per se (could be my denial), this was just really seemingly not to care, or being empathic to my needs/hopes/wishes.  And that harkens back to the first 3-4 months of therapy where I'd be talking about my HURT... .  that was underneath my anger... .  till eventually therapist in essense telling me "she ain't having it".  All the while, wife keeping me as the identified patient with anger issue and ADD while hiding out and dodging meaninful engagement.

However, MC might get her into her own individual therapy.  Well, and then i betcha the first 10-12 sessions are about blaming and projecting things onto you.  Sorry to say, but that long uphill battle they been telling you about for years is looking like its not only stalling and loosing it's hard fought momentum... .  but its turning back and starting to roll back on you.  And i know thats painful.

That whole calm before the storm-- recycle thing-- to become open and vulnerable enough again to become close enough to get kicked again, when on top of that it's all your fault... .  it's just too much dysfunctional drama trauma.  My experience with high functioning acting out BPDw over last 6 weeks (which seems like 6 years-hell): 11/30 tells me she got an atty and wants a divorce ducks out on any bills at end of the month that she's been responsible for, 12/2 she does not want a divorce, 12/7 she moves out, but "we" are cooperative, amicable, and loving with hopes of reconciling... .  12/17 she tells me her atty filed for divorce by "mistake", 12/18 turns up to therapy in hostile mood 5 minutes after talking to her atty, me confused... .  new year's eve... .  she's texting me pics of her wearing her wedding ring thanking me for such a beautiful ring and how its her "anchor"... .  ah what's today? yup, 1/2/13  a rapid aggressive and hostile escalation mocking something that i had said... .  and a very quick time out by me removing myself from her home.

A few things: in terms of boundaries.  I really felt for your success on the job going into the xmas party.  She failed you.  She did not show up for you when you needed her.  Hence, from this moment forward, I'd have no discussions about your career or job with her.  Those are your experiences of success and challenge.  I found that my anger... .  while in private and alone is one thing... .  but with her, I am on close watch, i instead find that my anger functions as a deeper resolve to hold to my newly articulated boundary.  And in so doing... .  even calling things out that are threats or violations of a particular boundary... .  consistently as they pertain to my commitment to that boundary becoming more automatic.  In turn, I'm feeling some of my pride getting picked up off the floor.  In terms of my emotional hurting (done a lot of weeping last month), I'm working on just feeling it in my body (for me behind my eyes, and in the middle part of my lungs near my heart center) and then breathing some determination and resolve into that hurt, knowing that I am hurting, somehow eases the pain in a non self-destructive or self-pitying kind of way, in that moment allowing for some functional movement to the next moment.

From reading these boards, though, i learned about the absolute necessity of being deeply committed and consistent in any boundary you set up and declare... .  because, if you slip you are unwittingly now doing "intermittment reinforcement" and the whole obsessional drama trauma two-step dance has found the slippery slope of yet another same ol song.  Well, I actually used text to declare a safety time out and boundary after wife got disrespectful and hostile the other day indicating more of going to a NC flavor.  Of course, now i kind of miss her and pine for her (abuse... .  masochistic fix) while getting enough space to see how dysfunctionally "obsessional" I have become and how i do need to let go, detach, in order to move on to meet even greater challenges, obstacles, uncertainties, and potential further destructive chaos ahead.

The fact that she's overspending while you guys are on a financial thread... .  more destructive acting out and hurtful.  NOt sure how you get a gripe on that.  I've been consistently talking about "impact upon others" the last several months and it does seem to have brought some remorse during times of lucidity when i am not painted black

Here's a song maybe (not to cheer you up) but to check out the way daryl hall builds up his conviction and sings (2:25) "take a look at the bed you made... .  walk on"

www.youtube.com/watch?v=gDzCP-5Prbs

maybe you can take those 1-5 sessions with EAP and just lay it on the line... .  you got your hands full with a disordered untreated wife... .  AND that is your reality... .  and given that that is your reality... .  you need to take these preciosu fes sessions and focus on your self right now.  Your self - care.  Don't even talk about her much... .  don't let her hijack your sessions, focus on establishing and maintaining some kind of continuity in your "personal" (boundary) goals for your self!  Build on that! Have a clear cut goal or two.

Good luck with your daughter... .  obviously she's in a parentified child role, and hopefully you can be there always as she works out challenges ahead... .  

Good luck taking care of your self.  Is your sleep -wake cycle going good?  Taking a few moments out each day for you and your soul reclaimation?  Eating okay?  Are you working on letting go of obsessional stuff?   As good as these boards are... .  they can also draw ya in.

[Auspicious]

So much of your story is familiar ... .  the conversations, the blaming, all of it.

My personal low point was when my wife ran off to another city and overdosed on her prescription meds, went in and out of psychiatric wards and women's shelters, and refused to come home for months. She wanted a divorce, or maybe she didn't, if I crawled and begged and "changed" to her satisfaction ... .  she thought I was "abusive", she wanted the kids, etc. Life basically entered the crazy crazy zone for us. She eventually came home, but the turning point was me making some changes in me, not her.

Several years later, things are far from perfect, but are much, much better and healthier for me. No matter what she does or doesn't do, my life is on a much better course.


Have you really, carefully read through our Lessons?

A good therapist for yourself is probably essential at this point. Many of us have benefited from that. It's well worth paying for.

Learning to get to a point where you realize that you have ZERO control over her actions is essential. I couldn't see that at first - people would give me that advice and it was like "huh? I'm not trying to control her actions?" And I wasn't, directly, but I had to learn how to shift the focus off of her and onto me. I had to really get it into my bones that I did have control over my own life.

You can control what you do. You can control what you say. You can make plans as much as possible that don't rely on her doing or not doing things. You really can make changes that improve your life - it's hard to see that now, but you can. Things will start to get better for you, if you change your steps in the dance.

See a therapist, for you. Really, carefully, slowly, work through the Lessons.

[almost789]

Different drummer,

Youve been under this emotional abuse a very long time and i agree that you should  get back to the counselor so they can give u good advice that u can take. Your not just going to be able to pull yourself up by the boot straps right now. Yourself esteem has taking a beating. Get the advice and take the advice.

[different_drummer]

Thanks to all of you that have added your responses.  It is so helpful to know there are others out there that actually KNOW what it's like and that I can share what REALLY happens behind closed doors.  Other than therapists, I've never shared my story with anyone, at least not in any kind of detail.  Sometimes just the encouragement I get from this place can turn my head around and give me a glimpse of hope, an ounce of strength.

To answer a few of the questions posed:

I have read through many of the Lessons here, some more than a few times.  My problem is that when it hits the fan, I can't remember many of the specifics of it and I get sucked into the whirlwind.  I only dare log in here when I'm not at home - if she found out I was here it would be another major explosion.  I'm often accused of "taking her inventory" and this would be fuel to that fire.

I'm really going to focus on self-improvement in 2013.  I was headed that way before this happened (she said she was too, then said she was just humoring me and my BS New Year resolutions) and really optimisitic about it, so I'm going to keep on that path.  I'm determined not to wallow in self-pity - mine or hers.  I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of because of her and not done a lot of things I wanted to do because of her and frankly, I'm sick of that.  She thinks I'm a selfish pr**k anyway, so I might as well do SOMETHING for myself, for a change.

I have an appt. with a new T next Thursday, so keeping fingers crossed that we get on OK.  I'm a very private and reserved man, so opening up to someone new causes a bit of anxiety.  Still, I'm hopeful and optimistic about it.

[almost789]

You sound great considering all youve been through. Optimism is so important. Good luck, no doubt with your hopeful attitude you can make improvements. 

[HighFunctionBPDw]

Oh my gosh, I've done that so many times to my husband. Suddenly felt like I wasn't in the mood to go out, or feeling moments of unsociability. We've canceled on friends before, even family because of this.

What I can tell you is that this happens to me when there is extreme stress building. Oftentimes it's one of the first signs for me. My husband and I can tell this is coming on when I can't find anything to wear. I've literally thrown clothes out of my closet in frustration for feeling that nothing "fits right". I feel fat and embarrassed to go out (I should mention that by objective standards I am quite fit). I can't comment on why your wife does this, but I can tell you for years my stress would manifest in not being able to go out. There may be something else going on with her like the holidays, or seeing family. For me, this is heightened when I have to see my parents. I remember one time not even feel capable of going to my sisters graduation because of the feelings of intensity of having to face my parents again.

I'm sad to admit this because all of you are suffering from spouses or significant others who do this. We BPDers can be so selfish sometimes and not even realize it.  

[waverider]

Be aware it takes time, you can only unpick a little bit at a time.

At first it will seem like you only know what to do in hindsight. But you will get lots of repeat practice, and you will see a lot of the behavior as repetitive, so you will learn to form prepared responses that you dont have to think too much about.

Backing out of drama and conflict will give you the time and space to think though things more subjectively