I Think He May Be Gone

[kl315]

During my 6 month relationship with my dBPDbf, I have experienced one name-calling rage, followed by silent treatment for 2 weeks, and a second period of silent treatment which started last Sunday and is still going on. This past Sunday, the no contact started when I told him I had started losing my hair due to chemo. On Monday, he sent me a depressing song and a text basically saying I didn't support HIM well enough and it was driving him "crazy". Nothing since.

The first time, there was some minimal contact. The occasional, very brief text and he kept playing an online game that we play together. This time is different. No texts, no response to the short but validating email I sent, and he hasn't taken his turn in our game since Sunday.

We have a trip together coming up, and if I cancel after Monday, I forfeit my deposit. I called today (he didn't answer of course), and left a voicemail saying that I still wanted to go, but if he'd had a change of heart I needed to cancel it by Monday, and could he please let me know what he thought about going. He has not responded.

Is it possible that I may never hear from him again because of my hair? Could he be just that shallow that it's an appearance thing (before I started treatment and was telling him what to expect, he said all my hair could fall out and never grow back and I'd still be the most beautiful woman he knew). What is the liklihood that this is temporary?

I know I shouldn't be worrying about this, but, well, you all know how it is. I'm trying not too, but I miss him and really want the time alone with him... .  we need it.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[almost789]

Silent treatment is awful. Its really worse than anyone can imagine unless they've had it done to them. Mine has gone silent for up to two months at a time.  Not sure if its for good or not. Some do like that and never return and some come back. This is the worst part is not knowing, its a slow torture. Just from what ive seen and heard from. Others and experienced myself it could depen on what happened before he went silent. If he just got pissed, and went silent with no explanation, hes probably coming back sooner or later. If he said something like. Never contact me again,  then its likely he may not. But, theyre all different. I dont think its your hair. Hair grows back. He probably cant handle the pressure and its probably scary for him. Remember they like children. Please do forget about him for now and pamper u.

[Seahorse1]

Hi again... .  

I've followed your posts and can't help but get angered at the stress this man is causing you... .  

I hope you at least get an answer about your trip... .  

I doubt for one minute this has any thing to do with your hair... .  It's BPD... .  I can understand you wondering if it's about your hair... .  That's just you feeling a bit insecure... .  

I hope you can find a way to detach a bit... .  You do not need this stress ... .  

My NPD brother caused my mom so much stress when she had cancer... .  

Ugh... .  These selfish creatures make me so mad!

Take care,

Seahorse1

[elemental]

Kl, your first priority is your own well being. This is considerably stressing you at a time when your body needs to heal itself.

Maybe you need to detach a little. Like I am having to do. It really is a relief to let go of focusing on them and focus on yourself.

Please, please, please... .  set this guy on the back burner for now. If you need to cancel your trip to get your deposit back, then do this to take care of yourself. Taking care of yourself will also keep your resentment levels lower and prevent you from feeling like a victim.

Silent treatment is really painful. So hurtful and demoralizing. I have been smacked with it A LOT. The only way for you to deal with this in a productive way is to let go of what he is doing and take particularly good care of YOU.

[4now]

Hi there,

I have wished many a time for a crystal ball so that I could look into the future and see what will come to pass.  Unfortunately, I have seen the patterns repeat and repeat so I have a pretty good idea.  So in some ways I do have that crystal ball.  You haven't had the "benefit" of seeing his particular pattern and what you can reasonably expect.  I am not a gambling person, but I would bet money he will be back. Just because that is how it goes.  I would suggest giving him a concrete deadline. You need to know by such and such or you will cancel.  That way the power is back in your hands, so to speak, but he is also left with a choice.  I would send it in a way that is non-personal and very straight forward.  Don't beg or anything like that.  I would bet that will get his attention.

But in the meantime, try to surround yourself with people who value you and care about you. Try to not think about him, I know, easier said than done. Take care of yourself!

[kl315]

Um... .  so... .  a minute ago I get a text with a picture of a suitcase on his bed and the comment, "Already started packing. Counting the days." Now, it's still a couple of months off so I know he's not packing, but I take that to mean he still wants to go. Just doesn't particularly want to talk to me right now, I guess. I did see by his phone locator (that he installed a while ago and insisted I check), that he went to one therapy session and FOUR group sessions this week. So even he must be aware that he's having some issues. Oy vey. But it does make me happy that this is what he turns to when he's in a bad way and that he has the sense to recognize it.

As for me, despite the silent treatment this week, I'm actually doing pretty well. Got some new hair which I may even like better than my own hair and was offered a great new job by someone who doesn't care if I look like a scrawny scarecrow. So aside from the BPDbf drama, it's been a pretty good week. He creeps back into my thoughts when I reach for the phone to tell him about the hair, the job, etc. And like now, at night, when I have time to myself.

Anyway, thank you all for being concerned. I guess the question of whether or not he'll contact me again has been answered. Now I need to prepare for the next phone call.

I'm glad you're feeling a little better Elemental.

[Rockylove]

Very encouraging that he went to therapy this week~~and YAY for the new hair and new job for you!  I know that you want to spend time with him right now, but from everything I'm beginning to understand about BPD is that they just don't have that hard wiring hooked up!  Your relationship is still very young and you haven't had the time to get acquainted with his patterns of behavior and the unknown can be very scary.  Perhaps your new job will be a good diversion from the stress of your relationship. 

[patientandclear]

Hey KL -- before you updated us, I was going to write "he is not gone.  And it is not about your hair."

It's funny how it is so easy to see these things from the outside.  It must be self-doubt and our own abandonment fears that make those more negative answers seem so likely when we're in the midst of it.

Seems completely clear to me that he is so very scared of losing you to cancer.  The hair symbolizes this.  Your own weakness and fear symbolizes this.  That's more than enough to send him spiraling.

It's great he seems to be heading to therapy to deal with this though.

Hard as it is, if you think you want to stay, you are handling this so well, too.  You've made it easy for him to work his own way through his feelings.  Unfortunately, as you started to say on the "I deserve better" thread -- it also seems to confirm that he can't be relied on to be there for you when you need him.  Maybe sometimes he will.  Just not necessarily when you most need him.

And -- so not about the hair.  "Just" fear of loss, and inability to be strong for you.

[almost789]

Hi Kl315,

I'm glad you feel better finally getting some contact from him after almost a week of silent treatment. I know this will ease your pain some.

I didn't realise, you've been "with" your friend for 6 months? I've been following your story and remember just a few days ago he was explaining to you how you were driving him crazy and HE NEEDS more stability and has already been in enough bad relationships and doesn't need anymore. This bothers me. You are a cancer patient and it concerns me that you and others see "accepting and tolerating" his emotional abuse as a positive thing. Maybe him being gone would have been better for you in the long run. I personally would not encourage you to continue on with this emotional abusive relationship you have little investment in and I don't see that as being helpful to you. If you went to a counselor and told the counselor what you were experiencing I can garauntee you the counselor would not tell you to "make some changes to yourself" and continue on with this man. The change you need to make is to let go of this one. I know it's not comfortable to hear this, but its true and telling you to accept emotional abuse is not  kind, compassionate or postive.

[Cardinals in Flight]

I was going to agree with Seahorse and I wanted to give him a swift kick in the rear!

His text with the suitcase picture, sigh... .  it's all he has in him right now, sad but true.  I also agree with patientandclear, he's not gone.  He just cannot handle your situation.

I'm glad you got a job offer, YAAY YOU! 

Put on your new hair and send him a picture? just a thought.

I hope you are feeling better and keep updating us!

Hugs!

CiF

[Seahorse1]

Some thing I tried to implement with mine but didn't have the patience to make it work... .  

Mines biggest issue was insecurity... .  In the form of always asking me questions about past exes or after a fight and brake up asking me if I'd talked to any one... .  It drove me nuts... .  So I asked him if instead of asking me questions when he was feeling insecure ( cus it makes me mad) to just let me know he is feeling insecure!

Now to your scenario... .  It appears although he has not out right said that he feels insecure about your situation and handles it by backing off... .  

Could you gently confront him and find out if this is what's going on?

If he is able to admit that's what he's doing ... .  Then tell him you understand first off but ask if he could tell you that's what's hapenning... .  

Even if it means he still needs to back off because he can't handle it... .  

Not necessarily giving you the support you deserve but at least letting you know you are not being abandoned ... .  

Just a suggestion

[kl315]

Almost... .  we've been dating for six months but I've know him for about 20 years. We dated when we were much younger, broke up amicably, lost touch briefly from time to time (the longest being before he went through his divorce several years ago), but we've been a sporadic part of each other's lives for quite a while (and it was strictly friendship for almost all of it... .  no inappropriate interaction during our marriages or other relationships). We were friends through the "bad relaionships" he described and he was right... .  they were bad because of him but also the women involved. I saw him fall over the BPD cliff so to speak when life dumped a giant pile of you know what on him several years ago. He was always quiet and a little quirky (I like quirky), but it was like his personality snapped in half right before my eyes. We started dating well after he'd been diagnosed and committed himself to DBT. He lost most of his other friends because he simply "disappeared" for a while and when he "re-appeared", they were gone.

He told me that while in therapy, he realised he'd never really stopped having feelings for me (not sure if that's true, but what it's what he said) and asked if I would consider dating him. We spent some time together, the chemistry was still there and it felt very comfortable. He was blatently honest about BPD, the progress he's made and warned me about some of the behavior he was still capable of. I thought I could handle it (funny). I told him that as long as he continued with treatment, I would try. If he were just some guy I met a few months ago and started dating, believe me, you wouldn't be reading my posts as it would have already ended. But ending it with him is not just ending the 6 month romantic relationship, it's ending years and years of friendship which were overwhelmingly good. That's what keeps me here, even when better judgement would dictate moving on. I've loved him in one way or another for a long time.

I'm in therapy and have spoken to my therapist about him. She is concerned and said that if we were going to stay together, we should consider participating in Schema therapy together. As for accepting and tolerating... .  you're absolutely right. But is there a way to accept without tolerating? That's what I struggle with. And it seems that the couple of times I've been ready to throw in the towell, he's surprised me with progress and behavior not typical with BPD. So here I am. But again, despite the hair, despite BPD nonsense, it's been a good week and I'm pretty happy... .  it probably doesn't translate through written posts, but I am.

[kl315]

Seahorse... .  he actually has admitted it. After the last episode of silent treatment, he completely unloaded about how my being sick terrified him and how horrible he felt about himself for how he was treating me. He told me the nasty things he'd said prior to silent treatment were things he thought of HIMSELF. He even went so far as to say that if he could bear my illness for me, he would. This is not the norm for pwBPD (or the norm for him pre-therapy) and I attributed it to the hard work he was doing in DBT. I validated like crazy also discussed my own feelings, which he was receptive to. AND, the next chemo treatment I had was met with love, support and brilliant attempts at making me laugh to get my mind off things... .  I was ridiculously encouraged but the mistake I made was letting my guard down and forgetting that despite therapy, despite his self awareness, it would probably happen again. I wasn't prepared for hair loss being a trigger. It's almost like he'd made some peace with how sick I was going to be during the treatments themselves, but wasn't ready for something new (my hair). Maybe I'm over thinking it. He didn't become  angry or name call this time though, he simply went silent for a few days (much shorter than last time) and immersed himself in therapy.

I'm sure we'll have a similar conversation in the next day or two but I'm going to take Cardinal's advice and send a pic of the new do... .  see what his reaction is. I also want to reiterate that I have a great support system outside of him. My daughter, my parents, friends and even my ex-husband are truly wonderful people and I don't lack for love and support. I just WANT it from him. If we continue the relationship and were to ever make it more permanent, things like this would be much harder to deal with if he was the first person I turned to. I'm going to try harder to use the tools but also watch how his reactions to my situation evolve over time. If there is no improvement, I couldn't see myself moving for him or living with him.

A question Seahorse... .  did your request work? Was he able to stop asking the questions and just tell you he was feeling insecure?

[almost789]

Hi KL315,

You seem very level headed. And I am glad you are happy and that it's been a pretty good week for you. That all that matters. That was my emotional response to your issue. sorry. Take care of you and have a great weekend. 

[kl315]

It's absolutely fine Almost... .  I think that most of us here probably need a good smack upside the head once in a while. When things are good with my bf and I read other's posts of the trauma involved in a BPD relationship, I find myself thinking, "That's terrible! They deserve so much better... .  why would they put up with that?" And then the next week I post something nearly identical . .

Most here are empathetic people (or we probably wouldn't be involved with a pwBPD), so we become protective when we see others being mistreated. The fact that we become so upset when the people being mistreated aren't even people we know, speaks to how deep our empathy runs. Last week, I found myself genuinely wishing that I could find Elemental's boyfriend and pop him in the nose. So I can relate to your frustration.

Thanks... .  KL

[Seahorse1]

Wow... .  My first observation is that he recognized his projection in admitting the bad things he said were really about him self... .  That gave me goose bumps... .  

Mine projects so much and it's do see through to me but he never sees it that way... .  

Second... .  Keep reminding your self that it's great to see improvement but also not get shocked or set back when you don't see consistency... .  

Which brings me to answer your question... .  

Some times it worked for him to just tell me he was insecure and sometimes it went right out the window... .  Inconsistency... .  

I'm realizing it takes so much to make these relationships work on both ends and unfortunately for now neither me nor my ex are able to do this... .  

So it gives me much happiness to try to support others who are still trying!

[almost789]

It's absolutely fine Almost... .  I think that most of us here probably need a good smack upside the head once in a while. When things are good with my bf and I read other's posts of the trauma involved in a BPD relationship, I find myself thinking, "That's terrible! They deserve so much better... .  why would they put up with that?" And then the next week I post something nearly identical . .

Most here are empathetic people (or we probably wouldn't be involved with a pwBPD), so we become protective when we see others being mistreated. The fact that we become so upset when the people being mistreated aren't even people we know, speaks to how deep our empathy runs. Last week, I found myself genuinely wishing that I could find Elemental's boyfriend and pop him in the nose. So I can relate to your frustration.

Thanks... .  KL

Lol... .  yes me too. About giving advice or saying thats awful and then doing the exact same thing myself. Its so easy to say how we should be in a perfect world. Much more difficult to actually do, especially in your own situation. I found The silent treatment and lack of empathy  so hard to deal with and combined with your situation with cancer and chemo i cant imagine. But you are handling remarkably well it seems so good for you, but really make sure u have someone else to lean on for the times when he checks out BPD style.