How much should I put up with?

[shenanigan247]

It has been a reoccurring issue, he's loving affectionate, open, communicative... .  until I move in which I have done about 4 times in 5 yrs. Then he wants to have sex but no longer any of the above.

I try to talk about what he had told me (when I moved out) but when I mention it or ask a simple question to try & reconnect he becomes defensive, then either acts like he doesn't know what I am talking about then avoidance. Like a total stranger.

I am currently dealing with depression & anxiety since... .  and if I have a bit of a meltdown from stress at work or whatever, he walks away. I am really feeling like the idiot, I have been walking on eggshells but now I am convinced it's a selfish game.  I try to be kind in my responses yet my emotional needs are not met. And I feel used.  He will no longer go to therapy now he wont even mention he has an issue. How much of this can a person take before becoming a trainwreck?  How do I handle the rejection of just a conversation? what more can I do? I am doing all the work & I am looked down upon for showing any emotion or conversation. I am tired of being treated like crap after I get sucked in again. Help!

[Validation78]

Hey shenanigan!

Sounds like you are having a tough time, and I'm sorry. Many of us here have been through similar things and can understand why this behavior would be upsetting to you! Of course you're tired of this, who wouldn't be?

Since he won't do anything to help matters, have you thought about what you can do differently? If he has BPD, this is likely to continue unless one or both of you makes some changes in the way you interact with each other. He won't change without therapy, so the rest is up to you. If this is a relationship you would like to salvage, have a look at The Lessons on the staying board. Start with understanding all you are able about BPD, and develop your communication skills by learning the tools. It's your only hope. I know it sounds strange to say that you will have to make the changes when he is the one with the illness, however, you cannot make him do anything, so you must take control of what you are able, yourself!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[almost789]

Hi Shenanigan,

How much should you put up with?  That is something only you can determine. How much do you want to put up with? How much do you have vested in the relationship? 5 years is a long time. Things seem to be good for you when you remain somewhat at a distance. That's typical for BPD. I remember when my pwBPD relocated to be closer to me and we finally had unlimitted time to spend with each other... .  it is what we both wanted. However, once that happened thats when it all fell apart. PwBPD can't handle the intimacy level most of us can. Its actually what triggers them into their issues. They just can't handle it. You said he's not in therapy? Your depressed and anxious, worried about losing you sanity? Tired of being treated like crap? The tools can help you deal if you choose to stay, but they do not create a normal healthy mutually satisfying relationship. They are a survival strategy, not a fix. In my opinion, if I am  not married to the person, have no children with them, have little invested in the relationship and am not financial dependant on them, I chose not to stay in the abusive relationship. Silent treatment and emotional withdraw are abuse. Regardless, whether or not he has a disease and doesn't mean of it to be that way. It's still abuse. It too k me a long time to feel this way. Just like the board says, most of us stay FAR LONGER than we should. I did. But you have to get to that point on your own. No one could tell me 6 months ago to leave. I don't feel the same anymore. And I feel a freedom and clarity I didn't feel before knowing, I trully am done being abused and looking forward to  a bright new year.

[Mind]

PartofMe:  I can relate to your message. I've been married to uBPDh for 14 years, but I always just accepted his ways and respected our marriage. I always forgave him and we moved on until another episode happened.  I haven't realized what was going on until this past year when I've had some spiritual things happen to me. So I believe it's all part of me growing and moving forward.  Once we had children six years ago, I started to notice some red flags and how I started to feel at times. Then I started to have a very hard time with intimacy, but he blamed me for not initiating.  I had no idea what was going on! Now I'm starting to see there's this person inside of me who has been hidden all of this time and is now starting to come out. He is so disconnected to us, our family.  Right now it's in standstill, trying to get through day to day conversations are very difficult with him.

Shenanigan: I'm sorry you are struggling.  This is a great place here!  Keep focusing on yourself.  I tell myself that everyday.  When it gets bad, I switch to me mode.  I remove myself from getting sucked into his world. I no longer feel bad about doing that, when before I'd be apologizing and very hurt.  It's not easy and pretty much I feel as if he's a roommate.  I look at him and he's in his own world most of the time.  I too am hoping there is a light at the end of this long, long tunnel.

[shenanigan247]

Thank you for the advice. I did decide to focus on myself, getting healthy spending time with friends.

  I agree that his behavior is abusive. And what I don't understand is: He will be loving, open ect. when it benefits him or when he wants something.

We are not making good memories here, when we get old we will have nothing to reflect back on. I find it sad for him yet, at the same time I feel like I am wasting my time.

I have researched BPD &  made some changes in how I interacted with him. I don't expect him to completely change, but the fact that he will no longer go to therapy or care enough to make an effort to try, to do SOMEthing. Before I moved back in he went to therapy he had tools to help him & he was excited about it. As soon I moved back in he stopped going & won't even acknowledge it ever happened. My head is spinning.

[almost789]

I have heard that in many cases it takes  them losing much for them to want to  seek help. Mine is in denial and like you, i felt like, well if you will make no effort to help yourself and we cant communicate about this than what am i doing here? I basically told him he was in denial and it did not go over well. Mine is kind of half in denial and half in realization i think. But i too noticed that when i got back it was like right back into denial. Ughh... .