Biggest Problem of All

[Depression = 72% of members]

OK, I'll just cut to the chase... .  

I touched on it on my "Touchy Subject" reply, but I'm going to get more "touchy," so if you don't want to read further, you are fore-warned.

I have ED.  It is bad.  Medications do help, but they are not a complete fix.  Also, my wife has gained over 100 lbs since we married (binge eating is a problem).  She was always overweight, and I knew that, but it is much worse now.  It makes things more difficult.  Also, since she has been so cruel to me, it is hard to find the emotional attachment of love that makes things work better.  Finally, and most importantly of all, my inabilities in this area are taken by her as the classic rejection, and she reacts just like a pwBPD would react to anything that they perceive as rejection.  We cannot talk about this, because you can't talk to her.  The communication tools do not work on this.  I don't know what to do. 

She has a right to be upset at my problem, but we can't work on this together, because she cannot accept any responsibility, as you know.  It is all my fault.  The first time I failed, she was in tears.  She then started attacking my manhood and has continued to this day.  She had had surgery and she couldn't for several months.  When I failed, she fell apart completely.  This quickly turned to it is all my fault.  I should just use the medicine or go on male hormones.  The problem is that because of her reaction, I just don't want to risk another emotional decay or worse.  I am so afraid of it leading to confrontation that I just don't want to even try.  This will not work.  I don't know what to do!   

[downandin]

OK, I'll just cut to the chase... .  

I touched on it on my "Touchy Subject" reply, but I'm going to get more "touchy," so if you don't want to read further, you are fore-warned.

I have ED.  It is bad.  Medications do help, but they are not a complete fix.  Also, my wife has gained over 100 lbs since we married (binge eating is a problem).  She was always overweight, and I knew that, but it is much worse now.  It makes things more difficult.  Also, since she has been so cruel to me, it is hard to find the emotional attachment of love that makes things work better.  Finally, and most importantly of all, my inabilities in this area are taken by her as the classic rejection, and she reacts just like a pwBPD would react to anything that they perceive as rejection.  We cannot talk about this, because you can't talk to her.  The communication tools do not work on this.  I don't know what to do. 

She has a right to be upset at my problem, but we can't work on this together, because she cannot accept any responsibility, as you know.  It is all my fault.  The first time I failed, she was in tears.  She then started attacking my manhood and has continued to this day.  She had had surgery and she couldn't for several months.  When I failed, she fell apart completely.  This quickly turned to it is all my fault.  I should just use the medicine or go on male hormones.  The problem is that because of her reaction, I just don't want to risk another emotional decay or worse.  I am so afraid of it leading to confrontation that I just don't want to even try.  This will not work.  I don't know what to do!   

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[briefcase]

That is a tough situation.  It might actually be an area where a therapist could help you both--at least from the staNPDoint that its a real condition and not some judgment about her. 

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi, that must be tough on the both of you. I agree with Briefcase, a therapist might be helpful here. This is an extremely touchy subject even when both persons in the relationship are mentally well.

[Rockylove]

I know this is difficult.  You sound like a person that has to feel loving to have sex... .  not a bad thing at all!  Age has much to do with it... .  I'm sorry if that's insulting because I don't know how old you are, but it seems that some of the issue is direct wired to your emotional state.  You don't have to feel guilty about it... .  you're in a difficult situation.  I can't say anything that will make it all go away... .  just that if you feel loving and give your wife some genuine love (with or without sex) you may begin to feel differently and some of your ED may disappear.  Relax.  Enjoy each other in ways you've not experienced before.  I hope things work out for you.

[downandin]

That is a tough situation.  It might actually be an area where a therapist could help you both--at least from the staNPDoint that its a real condition and not some judgment about her. 

I would be glad to go, but she will not.  She sees going to a therapist as a sign of weakness. 

[downandin]

I know this is difficult.  You sound like a person that has to feel loving to have sex... .  not a bad thing at all!  Age has much to do with it... .  I'm sorry if that's insulting because I don't know how old you are, but it seems that some of the issue is direct wired to your emotional state.  You don't have to feel guilty about it... .  you're in a difficult situation.  I can't say anything that will make it all go away... .  just that if you feel loving and give your wife some genuine love (with or without sex) you may begin to feel differently and some of your ED may disappear.  Relax.  Enjoy each other in ways you've not experienced before.  I hope things work out for you.

The biggest problem is my fear of failure and of her reaction to my failure.  It makes me so anxious that I just cannot do it.  Imagine a full on BPD rage over this... .  it is the most horrible thing in my entire life to live this way.

[briefcase]

That is a tough situation.  It might actually be an area where a therapist could help you both--at least from the staNPDoint that its a real condition and not some judgment about her. 

I would be glad to go, but she will not.  She sees going to a therapist as a sign of weakness. 

Can you go without her?

[Rockylove]

downandin... .  don't give up on YOU!  It is terribly insulting for someone to put you down like that, but you are still you inside no matter what she says!  My BPD/bf said that he was having issues and was taking "the pill" (when we first met) but he said that 90% of the time he took it, I fell asleep!  Had I known, perhaps it would have been different... .  none the less... .  he hasn't taken it in over a year and a half now, but it's mostly because we didn't put emphasis on the "sex" act but rather just loving each other.  I know it's difficult if she's not willing, but perhaps she is feeling insecure in love making.   It's not all one sided.  It certainly takes 2 to tango!

[sunshine40]

Hi,

I am sorry she is giving you a hard time over this. I wan to say that if she truly loved you, she wouldn't do it, but that probably isn't the case. She is just as frustrated as you are.

My uBPDh has issues with ED. In fact hear fears that because "it hasn't moved", it never will again. But this is actually more hypochindria in him rather than real ED. Nevertheless, it happens at least once a week, so I think he is fine. However there are times when he is worried that he just uses his hands, and I am sexually satisfied with that (very much so). Have you  tried pleasing her with other means? Have you talked with her about if she might like that? Would you be willing to do that if you are having a current struggle?

Just a thought.

-sunshine40

[waverider]

I think a little ACT therapy might be the go for you here. Worrying about fixing it or the consequences of it is causing a bigger problem, than the original issue itself. Similar to the way being anxious about having an anxiety attack can result in a panic attack.

Learning to accept it happens to the best of us at times, and that what a mentally ill person says or thinks about it has nothing to do with us personally, will greatly reduce the fear, which in turn reduces odds of it becoming ongoing.

Easier said than done I know.

[downandin]

The problem for me is that where I live, there just isn't that great of a mental health system.  Finding a qualified Counselor or Psychotherapist is just about impossible.  Also, my insurance will not pay.  It is very frustrating, especially to me since I have a Minor in Psychology, but my wife's perception of therapy seems to be the norm around here.  The masses here see it as a 'sign of weakness.'