using dearman question

[mccarthyhome3]

K so I have to ask my uBPDexbf tonight if he'll give me 4 grand outta his 401 so me and our dd can leave the state... .  this is what he wants and had told me and his father a few Weeks ago that he would give me the money to go(cuz he can't be with me cuz he doesn't want our daughter)... .  i'm sick buti'm assuming I should use DEARMAN... .  i've been reading it and am supposed to make him feel good about this, giving him the positive of the situation... .  HOW THE HELL AM I GONNA DO THAT!

 

    Well exBPDbf this is gonna be great for u, as u can now live without the burden & stress of me and our 11modd who clearly are the 2 people in your life who make u miserable... .  i need 4000.to leave the state so u can forget about the 2 of us and not have to worry about it ever affecting u or us... especially your daughter who will not have a daddy but that's ok as long as u feel good about it... .  u can live your life like u want and your life will be fulfilled and happy because we will be gone and u can continue in life like nothing ever happened:)... .  UNTIL u again want us back cuz u made a mistake, and don't understand why u did it... .  u were just confused and your sorry... til we come back THEN u will again after a few months blacken us... .  REPEAT! No therapy needed:)

  But until then... .  let's negotiate this so u can be less stressed... .  

And all this without emotion... I'll probably laugh at the BS i have to feed him

Any suggestions... .  this is effed up!

   

[Washisheart]

Do you have any family you can stay with? I don't understand why you need $4000?  If you are really ready, then you need to Greyhound it from one coast to the other and stay with a friend? Parents? Sibling?

The big injustice you are doing yourself is making yourself believe you need him & can't do this without his help. Honey, you are basically encouraging the fact he has you trapped. That is a power trip to him. He has control. HE IS NEVER GOING TO HELP YOU LEAVE. You need to accept this, take the ball out of his court, research & utilize your resources.

Call 211 or pull it up online. Its a community resource service for EVERYTHING. 

Stop encouraging him to believe he has control over your life. And worse yet, STOP CONVINCING YOURSELF HE HAS CONTROL OVER YOUR DESTINY.

I went through my entire pregnancy, childbirth and the first five years of my daughters life alone.  believe me, I KNOW its not easy. I have struggled emotionally, spiritually, FINANCIALLY.  I suffered the overwhelming guilt of my daughter not having her father. I felt like a failure on SO MANY LEVELS. Worst being I felt like I had   failed my daughter by bringing her into this world without a father.

But let me give you the hope that those feelings are temporary. The sooner you remove yourself from this toxic situation the sooner you will heal, the sooner you will actually start to see things clearly and for what they really are.

Your daughter's loyalty will lie with you. Trust me. I was you. I held my baby and rocked her and cried while apologizing for bringing her into this world without a father. I let him on her life against my better judgement. Dealt with his drama, BS, headache, aggravation, and constant urge to stab him in the eye with a pen so that my daughter could have her father. And at four years old she told me "I don't like this Daddy, I want a different one." She told him "you need to stop arguing with my Mommy, I am not going to your house."  At that moment, a pile of bricks was lifted off my shoulders.

Your daughter will never be happy if you aren't happy. 

Not only that, but look at the way he talks about her IN FRONT OF HER.  She is going to hate herself & suffer from serious depression at a very young age if she is repeatedly exposed to him talking about her the way he does.

You don't have to tell her major details. You don't have to lie & say he's dead. All you have to do is tell her ":)addy wasn't ready to be a father, but Mommy is right here with you and will always be." She is not going to blame you. Trust me.

[mccarthyhome3]

I've been thinking about what u said... of course your right... .  this is something I would have said to u or anyone else.what I say to people and what i do ( with him) are two different things, unfortunately)i need out, but god its hard with him... he's my drug... .  Its sick and I know he its too... to be honest I want him to tell me NO, HE won't give me the money, cuz I don't want him to want us to leave... .  but i'm fooling myself right now... .  i know... .  god this sucks

[Lady31]

I am so sorry for you!  I know it's hard making that step.

I do want to throw a little something in here... .  

I don't think it is wrong one bit to expect the BPD to own the consequences of their decisions.  I think we can get so into treating them like they are these broken beings that we actually enable them more to stay that way.  I don't mean that we should take the role of their teacher & deliverer - I mean we just should not take the role of their enabler. 

Honestly, I would ask for the $ and expect it.  My BPDh is wanting a divorce, AGAIN - but wants me to help him get it all worked out! 

I personally don't believe in divorce (it appears there are many others here who feel the same) so I have not made it "easy" on him.  In the past when it was absolutely nec. I moved out and went LC - but did not pursue a divorce.

I think there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with dumping the whole thing on their shoulders and refusing to own it.  Example - my husband wanted me to help as in make calls, check into some different avenues on how we would need to do things etc. (we own a business together) to make the divorce happen.  I said no, I am sorry - I am not taking on that stress or responsibility.  If you want a divorce I will not fight you or be unfair - but I don't believe in divorce and if you want to go forward with that instead of getting help then it is solely up to you and you are going to need to figure all that out.

At Christmas he didn't want to go to my family's because he felt guilt about receiving presents from them knowing he is again wanting to divorce me.  (They do not know this yet.)  I told him - well, that is part of the consequence of the decision you are making.  There is nothing I can do about that - and I won't take on the responsibility of shielding you from it.

With that being said - if you know you must leave, then don't let anything stop you. 

However, there is NO reason why you should not ask for and expect him to take the responsibility to make this happen if that is what he is wanting in the terms of telling him he needs to give you the cash.  Period.  You would not be wrong to do that!

We are not their parents and even if we were - they are NOT children even though they act like it.  We are not responsible to make their life easier.  We are not responsible to shield them from the fall out and difficult situations brought on by their poor choices and bad behavior. 

If he is treating you this way - then I do think you should get out of the situation.  I DON'T think you are wrong for expecting him to shoulder the burden of making that happen!

I pray for courage and strength to do what you need to do girl!  You can do it!

[Washisheart]

In dealing with a non, sure, place that burden. But you need to understand pw BPD don't think like we do. He doesn't WANT to lose her. He probably THRIVES off of the fact he knows she feels trapped & like she has nowhere to turn. He likes having his little vacation spot he can run to whenever his "ex" gets tired of his crap.

He is using using her, playing her, and he is DRAGGING HER DOWN. In ANY type of domestic abuse situation you do NOT expect the abuser to help her escape! Are you kidding me? He has her right where he wants her. And when she finally does go, you can bet his tune will change (temporarily) so he can reel her back in.

McCarthy, regardless of what he "wants" think about what you deserve. I KNOW its not easy. I listen to Rihanna's "Rehab" & its true, he is like my disease. They make us as sick as they are. But they do it because we ALLOW it. And that is a tough pill to swallow.

Again, I am not judging you as my uBPDbf is laying right beside me right now. But I am finally at that point where I am asking myself wth I am doing. But the craziness is, the less I do for him or act like I care, the more he does for himself and comes back all happy to see me.

Yesterday, for instance, he asked me for money to go get pizza, in my old frame of mind, I would have handed him the money to satisfy his whim.  Instead I told him I don't have any money. So he says fine he will get his own pizza. He came back with pizza, three movies & beer for both of us. I sit on the other couch because he hates clinginess, and honestly I don't care anymore. He comes and lays on me during the movie.

So maybe if you aren't ready to leave the playing field, change the game. I have been thinking alot about what Val says, and changing my behavior actually scared me at first because I thought if I stopped giving in to his every demand and "spoiling" him he would lose interest and find someone who will.  But instead I stay firm in my No and he might not like it (why should he, he is used to me saying yes) and he gets over it. I should have started this a LONG time ago.

And honestly when you start to change your mindset & focus more on you and your daughter and your own happiness, the less you will worry about him. Honestly, this one annoys me and works my nerves easier than he has ever done because now I am not playing his version of this game anymore. So I can look at him more objectively & say if he leaves it might not be a bad thing because I really don't want to live like this

[briefcase]

I am sorry you are going though this.  The rejection of your daughter must feel terrible.  It's perfectly legitimate to ask for money to move away, and I hope you know his financial obligations to his daughter don't end there.      

I want to address your perception that we use DEARMAN to help the person with BPD "feel better" about whatever we are asking for.  Let me offer a different persepective.

We don't use DEARMAN, or any of the other "staying tools," to make people with BPD feel better, worse, or any other way.  :)EARMAN and the other tools are not for the person with BPD.  The tools are for us.  It is simply another way to frame a request.  A way that gives us the best chance of getting our need met and not starting an argument.

Using DEARMAN may, or may not, make your request for $4,000 less triggering for him.  Managing his reaction and his feelings about your request is not the goal, ever.  It's about taking control over your side of the conversation.  He will do whatever he will do--and he owns that.  By using DEARMAN, you are simply taking care of your side of this conversation.  

Describe:  It seems like you don't want to be involved with D.

Express:  I want D raised in an environment where she feels loved and wanted.

Assert:  I need you to give me the $4,000 we discussed so D and I can move.

Reinforce:  If you can help with money for the move, that will give you a break from D and give us some time and space to figure out where we go from here.  

Mindful:  :)on't let him change the topic or dodge the request.  Keep asking until you get an answer.

Appear Confident:  Look him in the eye.  Speak up. Practice what you want to say beforehand.

Negotiate:  :)ecide beforehand if you can negotiate.  Maybe ask for $5,000 and then "negotiate" to $4,000.  

I hope this helps.