My life story - It's a LONG one

[Depression = 72% of members]

My name is Laura and I'm 24 years old. I'm currently studying to be a nurse and qualify in the summer. I live with my boyfriend and we became engaged over Christmas

I've had an extremely hard life so far and am really looking for some advice and support on how to deal with my mum. She's my mum and I love her so much but life really cannot continue for the both of us the way it is. I've only just discovered this board and I really hope it's going to help me.

I want to tell my story up to this point in my life. I warn you it's going to be a long one and i'm not the best at writing things down so bear with me.

My mum has been diagnosed with BPD for years now. Life for her has been very hard. She was one of four children and also a twin. Her mum (my grandmother) had multiple sclerosis so her childhood was hard. Mum and her twin basically ran the household while their dad (my wonderful Grandad) went out to work. I feel that this is where mum's problems may have began. Her mum died very suddenly about 15 years ago now during a routine operation. Mum's twin has MS too and is currently very ill and at the end of her life. One of mums brothers is an alcoholic and gambler and the other is a successful business man whom we never see.

Mum got pregnant with me when she was 30 and still living at home with her mum and dad. When her boyfriend found out she was pregnant with me he broke up with her and she never heard from him again. He got another woman pregnant within a few months and ended up marrying her.

When I was born mum remained living with her mum and dad and they supported her as best they could. Grandad basically took over caring for me while mum took over the personal care for Nana. Everything worked out quite well, Grandad was wonderful looking after me and I became very close to him in my early years. We were inseparable! 

When I got to age 5 mum decided she wanted us to move out and get our own house together. This is where things started to go downhill. At this point mum had been diagnosed with 'manic depression'.

From what I can remember mum used to get drunk a lot. She would also take too many of her tablets and pass out on the sofa. I have vivid memories of shaking her and trying to wake her up but she was out cold. She used to smack me a lot if she got angry. I got quite overweight because she would buy me loads of sweets and I would sit eating them in my room while she was passed out on the sofa. I used to phone grandad crying most nights asking him to come and get me and take me 'home'. Bare in mind I was still only around 5 at this point.

One horrible night mum told me that she was going to smother me in my sleep. I remember staying up all night in my bedroom absolutely terrified and looking out of my window at the moon. Another night I think I was being a bit naughty and she told me she was going to take me to the vet the next day and have me put down like a dog. A few days later I told Grandad what mum had said and he phoned social services straight away. Mum later told a psychiatrist that her brain had told her to kill me.

I was taken into foster care straight away and had a court order put on me. I moved around foster home to foster home until I was 15.

Mum's mental health deteriorated greatly and she was sectioned numerous times over the years and was in and out of hospital. She began being extremely abusive over the phone to people. Shouting, swearing and making demands. She'd do it to grandad, my foster carer's, social workers etc. The phone abusiveness was so bad foster carer's would ask for me to be moved on because they couldn't deal with my mum anymore.

I remember one time I was visiting Grandad and she was banging on the front door shouting. Grandad made me sit in a bedroom with the light off while he phoned 999. They came and sectioned her.

When nana died suddenly it was awful. She went in for a routine operation but the surgeon accidentally cut her bowel, didn't realise and she went septic and died post op. It went to the coroners court and was quite serious. That was when I was about 9.

When I was in foster care I was quite scared of mum so we used to have supervised access once every fortnight with a social worker during mum's breaks from hospital and being sectioned. Mum hated this and even took it to court to try and force me into unsupervised access.

When I used to see her she would sometimes be jovial and lovely and the next time down and depressed. She would sometimes get aggressive with the social worker and access would be cut short. Once when we were visiting her at her house she told the social worker she had a gun and was going to kill her (she didn't have a gun). Another time mum whispered to me that she had a pair of scissors in her bag.

During this time our entire family dynamic really changed. One of my uncles became an alcoholic and had a serious gambling problem. The other got a really good job and moved four hours away. Mum and her twin had a very tempestuous relationship and would be speaking one week and not the next.

When I was 11 my mum's twin decided she wanted to foster me (her MS wasn't very bad at all at that time). Mum absolutely hated this and would call 10's of times a day and leave extremely abusive voicemails.

This foster home soon broke down and I once again moved around homes until I was 15 and Grandad asked if I wanted to go and live with him. He felt it was the right time because I could look after myself pretty much and with Nana gone he had the space and time for me. These honestly were the best years of my life. Mum was still poorly and deteriorating but Grandad and I coped together. It was at this time that mum was given the diagnosis of BPD and bipolar.

I took 13 GCSE's and obtained A*'s, A's and B's in all of them. I went onto college and got my A levels. I then met a wonderful guy and we moved in together when I was 18 (he's the guy i've just got engaged to recently... .  7 years and we're still going strong!).

I got a job and decided I wanted to put off university for a few years.

The routine tended to be I would meet up with mum once every week for lunch and I spoke to grandad on the phone every day and saw him a couple of times a week.

Fast forward to a couple of years ago. I decided I wanted to become and nurse and started university.

Halfway through my first year (2011) my wonderful Grandad, my rock died EXTREMELY suddenly.

He was a very fit a healthy 81 year old, still driving, going dancing and playing bowls.

One sunday he phoned me and said he wasn't feeling very well and was quite short of breath. I took him to the hospital and within hours he was on a ventilator in ITU. He had pneumonia it turns out and a week later I made the decision to turn off his life support and let him slip away peaceful.

My rock, the one person that had always been there for me had gone. I haven't heard from either of my uncles since grandads death so basically I am all that mum has and I feel very alone in it all

Fast forward to now, mum hasn't been in hospital or sectioned since 2007 and is involved with a support centre for people with BPD.

However now I pretty much have to cope with her by myself. Her condition is deteriorating extremely rapidly at the moment.

I've had to stop all contact with her a couple of times of the last year because she has done some really bad things.

She phones me at least 4 times a day everyday and is quite suffocating. Some days she is wonderful and lovely and the next ranting and raving at me.

When she is in one of her rages she makes demands over the phone like 'if you love me you'll do this... .  ', 'If you don't do this then i'm going to phone the hospital and spread lies about you... .  ' etc.

A few months ago one day she had phoned me about 20 times and left a handful of abusive voicemails so I eventually turned me phone off. She then phoned the police and said I was harassing HER! Luckily the police believed me when I told them the truth. But I have the constant worry now about what kind of accusations she's going to make about me and to whom

She's phoned my university and tried to tell them lies about me, she's phoned my boyfriends work and phoned the hospital where i'm a student nurse kicking off

To me it really seems like her behaviour is escalating and I'm extremely concerned about the effect it's having on my life. My fiancee is getting pretty fed up with it.

Mum and I are in this constant cycle of we'll have a few good days and then she'll just flip and go into a rage at me about nothing and then the next day phone me as if nothing has happened.

When she's in one of her rages there is just no reasoning with her. She says awful things like she wishes she'd aborted me and that i'm a pig just like my father which really hurts me

Two days ago she phoned me at 10pm demanding I go round and sit with her. I explained I couldn't because I had work the next day so then she started kicking off saying I didn't love her and she never wanted to speak to me again. She also get's very jealous of my boyfriend and says 'you love him more than me', 'you spend more time with his family than me' etc.

Today she said she never wants to speak to me again because I wouldn't phone someone she has fallen out with and demand they start speaking to her again. She also said she's fed up with me treating her like sh!t... .  ! I just don't understand how she can twist it in her head that i'm the one that treats her badly?

I still meet her for lunch once a week. She inundates me with phone calls everyday. For example I met her this wednesday for lunch and after I met her she phoned me another 4 times.

She manages to manipulate me in a way I can't describe and I end up feeing guilty for her behaviour! When she crosses the line my fiancee tells me I should just never speak to her again and then he gets frustrated when mum and I are right as rain the next day.

When we meet up for lunch and she's in a good mood she'll try and give me money and if I don't accept it she'll make a scene or drop it on the floor. Then the next day when she's mad at me she'll say 'after all I do for you... .  and you won't do this one thing for me'.

Well i'm sorry if that was an extremely long life story!

Basically what i'm looking for is help in dealing with mum and setting some boundaries. I feel like she has all the power in our relationship and i'm constantly walking on eggshells trying not to set her off into a rage. The past few days she has been extremely slurred but she swears she hasn't been drinking. When I met her wednesday I could tell she wasn't well just by looking at her eyes.

I worry that grandad is looking down on me and really disappointed in how i'm dealing with mum. I want to help her and also myself. I also worry that when i'm a qualified nurse she may make accusations about me that could risk my job

I hope i've explained everything clearly! I've stayed up until 3:30am UK time writing this!

I look forward to hearing back.

Laura

[Laura88]

My name is Laura and I'm 24 years old. I'm currently studying to be a nurse and qualify in the summer. I live with my boyfriend and we became engaged over Christmas

I've had an extremely hard life so far and am really looking for some advice and support on how to deal with my mum. She's my mum and I love her so much but life really cannot continue for the both of us the way it is. I've only just discovered this board and I really hope it's going to help me.

I want to tell my story up to this point in my life. I warn you it's going to be a long one and i'm not the best at writing things down so bear with me.

My mum has been diagnosed with BPD for years now. Life for her has been very hard. She was one of four children and also a twin. Her mum (my grandmother) had multiple sclerosis so her childhood was hard. Mum and her twin basically ran the household while their dad (my wonderful Grandad) went out to work. I feel that this is where mum's problems may have began. Her mum died very suddenly about 15 years ago now during a routine operation. Mum's twin has MS too and is currently very ill and at the end of her life. One of mums brothers is an alcoholic and gambler and the other is a successful business man whom we never see.

Mum got pregnant with me when she was 30 and still living at home with her mum and dad. When her boyfriend found out she was pregnant with me he broke up with her and she never heard from him again. He got another woman pregnant within a few months and ended up marrying her.

When I was born mum remained living with her mum and dad and they supported her as best they could. Grandad basically took over caring for me while mum took over the personal care for Nana. Everything worked out quite well, Grandad was wonderful looking after me and I became very close to him in my early years. We were inseparable! 

When I got to age 5 mum decided she wanted us to move out and get our own house together. This is where things started to go downhill. At this point mum had been diagnosed with 'manic depression'.

From what I can remember mum used to get drunk a lot. She would also take too many of her tablets and pass out on the sofa. I have vivid memories of shaking her and trying to wake her up but she was out cold. She used to smack me a lot if she got angry. I got quite overweight because she would buy me loads of sweets and I would sit eating them in my room while she was passed out on the sofa. I used to phone grandad crying most nights asking him to come and get me and take me 'home'. Bare in mind I was still only around 5 at this point.

One horrible night mum told me that she was going to smother me in my sleep. I remember staying up all night in my bedroom absolutely terrified and looking out of my window at the moon. Another night I think I was being a bit naughty and she told me she was going to take me to the vet the next day and have me put down like a dog. A few days later I told Grandad what mum had said and he phoned social services straight away. Mum later told a psychiatrist that her brain had told her to kill me.

I was taken into foster care straight away and had a court order put on me. I moved around foster home to foster home until I was 15.

Mum's mental health deteriorated greatly and she was sectioned numerous times over the years and was in and out of hospital. She began being extremely abusive over the phone to people. Shouting, swearing and making demands. She'd do it to grandad, my foster carer's, social workers etc. The phone abusiveness was so bad foster carer's would ask for me to be moved on because they couldn't deal with my mum anymore.

I remember one time I was visiting Grandad and she was banging on the front door shouting. Grandad made me sit in a bedroom with the light off while he phoned 999. They came and sectioned her.

When nana died suddenly it was awful. She went in for a routine operation but the surgeon accidentally cut her bowel, didn't realise and she went septic and died post op. It went to the coroners court and was quite serious. That was when I was about 9.

When I was in foster care I was quite scared of mum so we used to have supervised access once every fortnight with a social worker during mum's breaks from hospital and being sectioned. Mum hated this and even took it to court to try and force me into unsupervised access.

When I used to see her she would sometimes be jovial and lovely and the next time down and depressed. She would sometimes get aggressive with the social worker and access would be cut short. Once when we were visiting her at her house she told the social worker she had a gun and was going to kill her (she didn't have a gun). Another time mum whispered to me that she had a pair of scissors in her bag.

During this time our entire family dynamic really changed. One of my uncles became an alcoholic and had a serious gambling problem. The other got a really good job and moved four hours away. Mum and her twin had a very tempestuous relationship and would be speaking one week and not the next.

When I was 11 my mum's twin decided she wanted to foster me (her MS wasn't very bad at all at that time). Mum absolutely hated this and would call 10's of times a day and leave extremely abusive voicemails.

This foster home soon broke down and I once again moved around homes until I was 15 and Grandad asked if I wanted to go and live with him. He felt it was the right time because I could look after myself pretty much and with Nana gone he had the space and time for me. These honestly were the best years of my life. Mum was still poorly and deteriorating but Grandad and I coped together. It was at this time that mum was given the diagnosis of BPD and bipolar.

I took 13 GCSE's and obtained A*'s, A's and B's in all of them. I went onto college and got my A levels. I then met a wonderful guy and we moved in together when I was 18 (he's the guy i've just got engaged to recently... .  7 years and we're still going strong!).

I got a job and decided I wanted to put off university for a few years.

The routine tended to be I would meet up with mum once every week for lunch and I spoke to grandad on the phone every day and saw him a couple of times a week.

Fast forward to a couple of years ago. I decided I wanted to become and nurse and started university.

Halfway through my first year (2011) my wonderful Grandad, my rock died EXTREMELY suddenly.

He was a very fit a healthy 81 year old, still driving, going dancing and playing bowls.

One sunday he phoned me and said he wasn't feeling very well and was quite short of breath. I took him to the hospital and within hours he was on a ventilator in ITU. He had pneumonia it turns out and a week later I made the decision to turn off his life support and let him slip away peaceful.

My rock, the one person that had always been there for me had gone. I haven't heard from either of my uncles since grandads death so basically I am all that mum has and I feel very alone in it all

Fast forward to now, mum hasn't been in hospital or sectioned since 2007 and is involved with a support centre for people with BPD.

However now I pretty much have to cope with her by myself. Her condition is deteriorating extremely rapidly at the moment.

I've had to stop all contact with her a couple of times of the last year because she has done some really bad things.

She phones me at least 4 times a day everyday and is quite suffocating. Some days she is wonderful and lovely and the next ranting and raving at me.

When she is in one of her rages she makes demands over the phone like 'if you love me you'll do this... .  ', 'If you don't do this then i'm going to phone the hospital and spread lies about you... .  ' etc.

A few months ago one day she had phoned me about 20 times and left a handful of abusive voicemails so I eventually turned me phone off. She then phoned the police and said I was harassing HER! Luckily the police believed me when I told them the truth. But I have the constant worry now about what kind of accusations she's going to make about me and to whom

She's phoned my university and tried to tell them lies about me, she's phoned my boyfriends work and phoned the hospital where i'm a student nurse kicking off

To me it really seems like her behaviour is escalating and I'm extremely concerned about the effect it's having on my life. My fiancee is getting pretty fed up with it.

Mum and I are in this constant cycle of we'll have a few good days and then she'll just flip and go into a rage at me about nothing and then the next day phone me as if nothing has happened.

When she's in one of her rages there is just no reasoning with her. She says awful things like she wishes she'd aborted me and that i'm a pig just like my father which really hurts me

Two days ago she phoned me at 10pm demanding I go round and sit with her. I explained I couldn't because I had work the next day so then she started kicking off saying I didn't love her and she never wanted to speak to me again. She also get's very jealous of my boyfriend and says 'you love him more than me', 'you spend more time with his family than me' etc.

Today she said she never wants to speak to me again because I wouldn't phone someone she has fallen out with and demand they start speaking to her again. She also said she's fed up with me treating her like sh!t... .  ! I just don't understand how she can twist it in her head that i'm the one that treats her badly?

I still meet her for lunch once a week. She inundates me with phone calls everyday. For example I met her this wednesday for lunch and after I met her she phoned me another 4 times.

She manages to manipulate me in a way I can't describe and I end up feeing guilty for her behaviour! When she crosses the line my fiancee tells me I should just never speak to her again and then he gets frustrated when mum and I are right as rain the next day.

When we meet up for lunch and she's in a good mood she'll try and give me money and if I don't accept it she'll make a scene or drop it on the floor. Then the next day when she's mad at me she'll say 'after all I do for you... .  and you won't do this one thing for me'.

Well i'm sorry if that was an extremely long life story!

Basically what i'm looking for is help in dealing with mum and setting some boundaries. I feel like she has all the power in our relationship and i'm constantly walking on eggshells trying not to set her off into a rage. The past few days she has been extremely slurred but she swears she hasn't been drinking. When I met her wednesday I could tell she wasn't well just by looking at her eyes.

I worry that grandad is looking down on me and really disappointed in how i'm dealing with mum. I want to help her and also myself. I also worry that when i'm a qualified nurse she may make accusations about me that could risk my job

I hope i've explained everything clearly! I've stayed up until 3:30am UK time writing this!

I look forward to hearing back.

Laura

[Laura88]

Ooops! I forgot to add that she also constantly makes comments to me that she doesn't want to be here anymore and what a terrible daughter I am and how she never wants to see me again. Then the next phone call she'll tell me she can't live without me and that I'm her world. It's a constant manipulation

[justnothing]

Well I'm afraid I don't have that much practical advice because, unlike most other members here, I never got around to setting that many healthy boundaries with my own mother… but I did want to say that you don't have to feel guilty or that your grandfather would be at all upset with you over the way you've been handling your mother. You're doing far, far more for her than anyone else would despite the fact that she's basically trying to sabotage your life. I realize that there are good days and that makes it very confusing… but one thing you can't let yourself believe is the one that says that you're "responsible" for her happiness or "at fault" for her misery.

She sounds like a very ill person who needs help but that help shouldn't come entirely from you (or even at all from you actually because you're not a professional nor are you her parent) and especially not when it might come at the expense of the life you're trying to build for yourself.

I know what it's like to be afraid that your mother might spread lies and ruin your reputation with other people. My mother wasn't quite as bad, when it came to that, as yours but she did kind of threaten to do it a number of times and did it in practice once with the office of my psychologist and a number of times with my uncle. We had many fights over the fact that she kept insisting that I give her my work places' number (supposedly in order to be able to reach me "in case of emergency" and I kept refusing to give it to her… I was afraid she'd try (consciously or subconsciously) to get me fired. But seeing as your mother has the kind of (recorded) history of mental illness that she does, I don't think she'd ever be able to get you into serious trouble because nobody would believe her version… at most it would be very embarrassing.

Anyway, try not to let the fear or guilt get to you. You're already doing the best you can and nobody can expect you to do more than that.

Btw, you said that she's receiving care from a center for pwBPD, are they aware that she seems to be getting worse?

[Laura88]

Thanks for the replies. This forum has been such a great help to me already.

The centre mum receives help from are aware of her decline. But they have the view that hospitalisation and psychiatrists are not right for people with BPD.

She receives 'support' calls from the centre every few days, she can go in for respite care, therapy, group sessions etc but it's all on her and if she doesn't want to engage in any of it they don't take it any further. She can even give up her place at the centre if she wants to all together.

When she's been at her worst over the last few months I've resorted to phoning the mental health crisis centres but they don't want to know as their services are extremely stretching in this area. Once they went round to see her but she didn't answer her door so they gave up and left.

Her GP hasn't reviewed her medication in years and I wonder if she's taking it at all. The only tablets she's admitted to being on are quetiapine and diazepam. She also hasn't seen a psychiatrist in about 7 years. I think only a psychiatrist will recognise how seriously ill she is.

I feel that I really need to re establish boundaries and sort out the entire way I deal with mum. Sometimes when she's in her rages and says terrible things I do retaliate and get upset back at her. She just knows how to push my buttons and get me angry and upset.

[baconninja]

I'm not qualified to give any kind of advice, but I do wish I could give you a hug 

You sound like you have your life on the right track, keep it up!

Have you thought about finding a good psychologist for yourself? Someone who has dealt with a lot of BPDs may be able to help you deal with your mother.

Take care!

BN