A Case of the Christmas Phonies

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Does anybody else have this dynamic happen with a BPD parent over the holidays?

My mom presents herself as the perfect parent through the Christmas festivities on December 25th. She keeps it going on December 26th; I even heard her say this year that "you have to be nice on Boxing Day" because it's still part of Christmas. But then once December 27th comes around, she no longer feels the pressure to pretend to be nice and keep the family situation looking like a holiday special, and the claws come out. One year she screamed at us and sulked because she wanted us to go to Mandarin and the rest of us said no to the two-hour wait. This year, she picked a fight with me in Facebook messages and guilt/shamed me so bad I had to unfriend her just so I could start picking my confidence up off the floor.

Does anybody else know a borderline family member or another loved one who puts on a show of perfection for the holidays and then relapses hard into a bad borderline outbreak a few days later?

 BiancaRose

[BiancaRose]

Does anybody else have this dynamic happen with a BPD parent over the holidays?

My mom presents herself as the perfect parent through the Christmas festivities on December 25th. She keeps it going on December 26th; I even heard her say this year that "you have to be nice on Boxing Day" because it's still part of Christmas. But then once December 27th comes around, she no longer feels the pressure to pretend to be nice and keep the family situation looking like a holiday special, and the claws come out. One year she screamed at us and sulked because she wanted us to go to Mandarin and the rest of us said no to the two-hour wait. This year, she picked a fight with me in Facebook messages and guilt/shamed me so bad I had to unfriend her just so I could start picking my confidence up off the floor.

Does anybody else know a borderline family member or another loved one who puts on a show of perfection for the holidays and then relapses hard into a bad borderline outbreak a few days later?

 BiancaRose

[isshebpd]

My uBPDmom was fine through the holidays, until January 1st. I called to wish my parents "Happy New Years", and my Dad had that "abused" tone of voice again. Mom picked up other phone and did her BPD thing. Part of me wonders if she relapsed due to New Years drinking. Maybe booze didn't mix well with meds and holiday stress.

[GeekyGirl]

My mother has done this too, and it can be quite irritating. She can be the life of the party one minute and behave like an angry toddler the next. Usually she's very good around company and wants to appear to be a loving, doting mother. She can only keep up the happy, nurturing behavior for so long, though.

I don't think that the holiday be-on-your-best-behavior attitude is limited to people with BPD. A few of my friends with non-BPD parents and in-laws have said similar things, although it might be more extreme in people like your mother and my mother.  

[princessbubblegum]

This has happened to me and my family, in the past. She also can come over and be a major grump and put a damper on festivities. One xmas... .  they were an hour + late to dinner which they agreed on the time and we were having chicken parm... .  that gets soggy if not eaten on time. When I called and they were still home I heard in the background, "we'll be there when we get there".

The first xmas my husband, then boyfriend came over to the house... .  she had locked herself in her room because she didn't like what my Dad got her.

Sometimes she can pull it together other times it is a train wreck.

[lipsticklibrarian]

Yes my mother sent me an insanely expensive gift for Christmas that I didn't ask her for and after I received the gift and thanked her I can tell she's reeling. I can almost feel her thought process 'that selfish b I can't believe I gave her all of that, she's so spoilt, what does she ever do for me?'

Even when she's the one that made a grand gesture I'm still the bad one, drives me crazy!

[cindergirl]

My mom does this all the time, not just on the holidays. In reading what 'Geekygirl' wrote, I could've sworn she was talking about my mother. One minute she can be yelling at me and insulting me, but as soon as company shows up, she would put on the show for them. Everything had to be perfect. So, I was always grumpy with company because they didn't get the same person I did. I hated parties at our house because of this, and we had a lot of them. She's still the same, I hate the hypocrasy!