How do they manage to have the next one lined up before they leave you?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I am still struggling with trying to understand how in the world someone so empty of love (he actually told me this several times that his his heart was dead) can have one, two or more women lined up and ready before they have even ended it with you.

We were having problems - which were my problems because I didn't trust him (he had recycled me) When I saw nude photos or video or texts in his phone or would check his phone records and there were 120 texts from one women in one day - usually right after the class he taught ended - it was constant he would always meet women at his work and always at the end of the class they would start texting him - he would say "they just want his advice on something"  but the photos etc started each and every time.  I told him how much this hurt me - I loved him with whole heart and had already lost him once because of his cheating so he would always tell me it was nothing - that he couldn't help what these crazy disparate women sent him or what I thought in my head was my problem.  How I ask myself could I stay in a relationship with a man like this?  I had two kids with him and I loved my family being together - but as the new relationship went on the behaviors got odder and odder. 

I couldn't ignore it but boy did I try.  He was getting email about going away with these women and how they couldn't wait to do certain sexual thing to him.  It made me sick - I would address it with him and he said they were just joking etc.  WHAT?  So the more I address it the more he would hide the cell phone or would stay at his place more.  The final thing was when he disappeared for 2 weeks - would not answer his phone etc then the day of our daughter b-day she got a text from her dad saying he'd be over after work -what? No phone call to me at all I tried texting and calling he ignore me.  So later that day he shows up with his brother and with take out food for all of us.  I tried talking to him alone - we talked - well I talked mostly - he said it was not fair to me or him and that I kept accusing him of cheating on me (which he was) and that he didn't like the way his life was going etc. 

Well a couple of days latter I got the sweetest text from him saying he missed me and wanted to spend time with me Saturday and would take me anywhere I wanted to go - I responded to his text saying I was severely hurt my what has happened and needed time - I was once again in therapy (I only seem to need therapy when things end with him)  trying to gain my self respect back - I need to understand how in world I keep accepting this sick behavior from him.  Well after I declined the date he texted me telling me how dark he is getting and its getting worse - that he is going to see a therapist - that he loves me that I am beautiful - that its not me its him.  (the odd thing is when we were married toward the end he would rip me apart and belittle me to the point of tears and as I sat broken he would look at me and just keep walking and go out with his friends and leave me there broken)  So this was new to me - why was he being so nice and sincere?  Well it was all a big lie - the whole time he's home depressed and dark he was really dating yet another student for the past month and as the month went on his reaching out to me got less and less until finally he admitted (after I told him I knew about her repeatedly I mean I could see she was a new friend on his facebook and he was forwarding her roses and romantic saying etc ) he had been seeing her and that he is looking for the ONE.  What? This was few weeks before Xmas - the same time frame that ended my marriage 5 years prior.  I also had asked him about her a month prior when she came up as a new friend on his facebook - he said "she's just that crazy women who  I told you about who passed out more business cards then me - its nothing - she just thinks I have money and is trying to sell me real estate"- he said it like it was funny. 

So again I watched as my daughter got in the new girlfriends car that he was driving and off they went to his sister's party as sat there in disbelief because 3 weeks prior he had gone to therapy and really enjoyed it and he told me how much he loved me etc.  He went to that one appt and stopped I guess his new girlfriend made him forget how messed up he is.  Also that morning a got a Merry Christmas and I love you text from him - what?

So how the hell does this happen is beyond me.  He is constantly with her and my eldest who also is borderline and bipolar is living with him and this new supply has just given her a job at her agency - what?  It feels like I never existed.  I am here in my home with our youngest - who he rarely bothers with - which I guess is fine with her - since she wasn't at all happy when I started dating her dad again - she actually told me "he is going to hurt you again"  and that he is transparent and both of them her dad and her sister are crazy.  She is enjoying our very peaceful house.  I am so lonely and confused and broken.  However, I do know from my past experience which was far worse than this one that with time and therapy I will emerge stronger than I was before.  I just need to give it time.

I know he will do the same thing to her - its just a matter of time - he had done the same thing to each and every relationship - I found out that when he started dating me for the second time - he had been in a relationship with yet another women for about 6 months and said it was over - I later found out he had lied and that she didn't end it til 2 months later. 

[karhues]

I am still struggling with trying to understand how in the world someone so empty of love (he actually told me this several times that his his heart was dead) can have one, two or more women lined up and ready before they have even ended it with you.

We were having problems - which were my problems because I didn't trust him (he had recycled me) When I saw nude photos or video or texts in his phone or would check his phone records and there were 120 texts from one women in one day - usually right after the class he taught ended - it was constant he would always meet women at his work and always at the end of the class they would start texting him - he would say "they just want his advice on something"  but the photos etc started each and every time.  I told him how much this hurt me - I loved him with whole heart and had already lost him once because of his cheating so he would always tell me it was nothing - that he couldn't help what these crazy disparate women sent him or what I thought in my head was my problem.  How I ask myself could I stay in a relationship with a man like this?  I had two kids with him and I loved my family being together - but as the new relationship went on the behaviors got odder and odder. 

I couldn't ignore it but boy did I try.  He was getting email about going away with these women and how they couldn't wait to do certain sexual thing to him.  It made me sick - I would address it with him and he said they were just joking etc.  WHAT?  So the more I address it the more he would hide the cell phone or would stay at his place more.  The final thing was when he disappeared for 2 weeks - would not answer his phone etc then the day of our daughter b-day she got a text from her dad saying he'd be over after work -what? No phone call to me at all I tried texting and calling he ignore me.  So later that day he shows up with his brother and with take out food for all of us.  I tried talking to him alone - we talked - well I talked mostly - he said it was not fair to me or him and that I kept accusing him of cheating on me (which he was) and that he didn't like the way his life was going etc. 

Well a couple of days latter I got the sweetest text from him saying he missed me and wanted to spend time with me Saturday and would take me anywhere I wanted to go - I responded to his text saying I was severely hurt my what has happened and needed time - I was once again in therapy (I only seem to need therapy when things end with him)  trying to gain my self respect back - I need to understand how in world I keep accepting this sick behavior from him.  Well after I declined the date he texted me telling me how dark he is getting and its getting worse - that he is going to see a therapist - that he loves me that I am beautiful - that its not me its him.  (the odd thing is when we were married toward the end he would rip me apart and belittle me to the point of tears and as I sat broken he would look at me and just keep walking and go out with his friends and leave me there broken)  So this was new to me - why was he being so nice and sincere?  Well it was all a big lie - the whole time he's home depressed and dark he was really dating yet another student for the past month and as the month went on his reaching out to me got less and less until finally he admitted (after I told him I knew about her repeatedly I mean I could see she was a new friend on his facebook and he was forwarding her roses and romantic saying etc ) he had been seeing her and that he is looking for the ONE.  What? This was few weeks before Xmas - the same time frame that ended my marriage 5 years prior.  I also had asked him about her a month prior when she came up as a new friend on his facebook - he said "she's just that crazy women who  I told you about who passed out more business cards then me - its nothing - she just thinks I have money and is trying to sell me real estate"- he said it like it was funny. 

So again I watched as my daughter got in the new girlfriends car that he was driving and off they went to his sister's party as sat there in disbelief because 3 weeks prior he had gone to therapy and really enjoyed it and he told me how much he loved me etc.  He went to that one appt and stopped I guess his new girlfriend made him forget how messed up he is.  Also that morning a got a Merry Christmas and I love you text from him - what?

So how the hell does this happen is beyond me.  He is constantly with her and my eldest who also is borderline and bipolar is living with him and this new supply has just given her a job at her agency - what?  It feels like I never existed.  I am here in my home with our youngest - who he rarely bothers with - which I guess is fine with her - since she wasn't at all happy when I started dating her dad again - she actually told me "he is going to hurt you again"  and that he is transparent and both of them her dad and her sister are crazy.  She is enjoying our very peaceful house.  I am so lonely and confused and broken.  However, I do know from my past experience which was far worse than this one that with time and therapy I will emerge stronger than I was before.  I just need to give it time.

I know he will do the same thing to her - its just a matter of time - he had done the same thing to each and every relationship - I found out that when he started dating me for the second time - he had been in a relationship with yet another women for about 6 months and said it was over - I later found out he had lied and that she didn't end it til 2 months later. 

[Rose Tiger]

  It is incredibly painful to have a spouse betray a partner like this.  I chalk it up to a lack of empathy and having no clue what it does to you, to your daughter and eventually these other women when you play with peoples' emotions like that.  Because they have taken all their shame and projected it onto the partner, they almost feel justified for their actions.  Since we are so 'rotten', we are lucky they give us the time of day.   

What you have in your corner, therapy which is so helpful in recovery, a daughter that understands and supports you, and the ability to heal.  Sure this is a very lonely time  :'(, it's going to take some time before you are ready to consider another partner.  Do you have a girlfriend you could go to the movies with or out to lunch?