I ditched her... Why do I feel rejected?

[willy45]

Here's a question for you all... .  

I ditched her. I totally ditched her. I left her. I even left her for someone else. I initiated NC. I did everything in my power to push her away and drop her from my life. Everything. She was abusive, angry, confused, mean, manipulative, etc... .  All great reasons to head for the hills.

But, here's my question... .  Why do I FEEL REJECTED? This makes no sense. I dumped her. She wanted to get married. She wanted to have a family with me. She kept pushing more commitment. I never gave it to her.

But now, 6 months out of the break up, 7 weeks NC, I am here feeling massively rejected. What's up with that? I know that she got into another relationship about 3 weeks (if I am being generous) after we broke up. She told me she had 'moved-on' after about 4 weeks despite her calling me every day to yell at me. But I don't think that has anything to do with the feelings of rejection. It makes no sense. Any insights?

[Rhymes w/Orange]

She was abusive, angry, confused, mean, manipulative, etc... .  

Maybe something about that.

Some of your experiences involved with the process of realizing the above desription might give you a clue. When you think about her being abusive, are there thoughts of rejection attached?  How about when she was manipulative or mean?

When someone we love treats us this way, we can sometimes internalize it and feel like either there is something wrong with us to warrant their treatment of us. Even if that doesn't happen or doesn't last long, they apparently once thought we were great, and then something changed. Feeling rejected is a natural response, and one that seems almost universal for us nons. 

RWO

[willy45]

Yeah. Maybe that's it. There were years and years of her raging, weird statements like: "I really wish I could Internet date", ":)on't worry about me cheating on you, if I did you would never know about it anyways so why worry?", and on and on. Years of her flipping out on me or crying for hours and hours and then blaming me for the behavior. Not to mention that she was 'constantly approached by men' (her statement) and her weird relationships with her ex's and other dude who would seem to come and go. After four days straight of raging and her calling me an ___hole, I left for good. I set the relationship on fire so that I could never go back. And she tried. She tried and tried to get me back. She begged me. But, her best foot forward was to tell me: "You are 100% responsible for this relationship failing and that you should own the breakup". Whatever that means... .  who knows. More blame I suppose. Somehow, from her perspective it was all my fault. Always my fault. Will always be my fault.

Thanks... .  I do need some perspective. Maybe I'm not crazy. Maybe I was rejected constantly in the relationship and invalidated in my responses by her blaming me for her behaviors and me accepting that, on some level.

[Rhymes w/Orange]

Maybe I'm not crazy. Maybe I was rejected constantly in the relationship and invalidated in my responses by her blaming me for her behaviors and me accepting that, on some level.

Exactly. And she made sure you heard- really deep down heard- that any problems are *your fault*.

Why? Because (epecially if you believe it on any level), she is free and clear. Of course as long as she believes it, she is blameless in her mind anyway... .  but she needs to dump the blame so she can be the victim. 

Most sane people have no idea how IMMENSELY satisfying and life-sustaining the victim role can be. Sympathy that one is entitled to as victim can be better than a lifetime of happy marriage and normal experiences. When you are a victim, people feel sorry for you. They validate your feelings and experiences, even if they don't agree with them, just because they feel sorry for you. (Hello- here's a major craving satisfied.) They also lower their expectations of you, not holding you responsible for your usual level of activity, accomomplishment, or ability. (And hello again- relief from dreaded responsibility and accountability.) And there are many more benefits that exist in social ways and even just within the "victim's"  mind. (Some of those in the mind can be the most powerful).

The level of emotional functioning is often at the level of a very young child. Ever seen a little 3 year old who knew how to manipulate their parents or others? How about having a tantrum? Once certain little kids figure out how to "work" a situation, they will run the show and no one even realizes it. Of course not all little kids are like this, thank goodness!  But I think we all have seen it before. Does it sound familiar?

[GettinHealthy]

You feel rejected because that is what they do to us, because we set ourselves up for it.  The last time I responded to mine, things started ok, but then got wierd.  She ended by telling my she was trying to reach out to me cause she was desperate to "get laid".  I told her that we were not doing that because there were too many issues we had to resolve before we could be in a place to do that.  She then told me that if I wouldn't do it with her, then she would find someone else that would.  Mine was also getting approached by men, constantly being hit on (and told me about it ALL the time).  Just about everytime we broke up, there was always another guy that was thrown in my face.  That would kick off my jealousy and I would return and she knew it.  She played me like her favorite musical instrument.  She had an amazing way of turning things around and making me feel like I was the one at fault.  I say this not as the victim, but as someone that is now understanding her patterns.  They manipulate us into being the person at fault because we generally accept that position.  It is our co-dependancy, lack of self-esteem, self-love and self-belief that keeps us stuck in their game.

No other person is going to make you feel good and happy and confident about you.  Only YOU can do that for yourself.  Work on you, and you WILL move on from her.  You can do it, it takes work and time, but CAN happen!  

[Lady31]

I think BPDhope is on to something there with that line of thought... .  

Really it WAS her rejecting you/the relationship that caused the demise of it.  Not you leaving her.  

We are with them because we love them.  We go through all the hell in hopes to get through to the other side and have a good relationship.  We don't WANT to have to leave them or let the relationship go.

I felt the same feelings of rejection when I left my H last year (moved back in on a recycle and am looking at having to leave again now - ugh).  

I left BECAUSE he rejected/didn't want our marriage anymore.  It wasn't me who wanted the marriage to end.  I guess technically toward the end before I moved out I did on some level - but that was because of his constant rejection/abuse.  Even at that point my hearts desire was that he would somehow realize the real problem and get help.  When I left it was because I accepted that he could not realize the problem and get help.

Thus the real rejection & cause of the relationship falling apart was all him.  Perhaps this is the same for you?

You feel rejected because you were rejected constantly throughout the relationship.  You had to enforce a boundary for yourself and leave the relationship because of it.

She rejected you - you set a boundary.  At least, that's how I see it.

[Jay08]

Even though you 'moved on', it hurts everybody, not just BPD people, when we found out someone else moved on.

We all have egos.

Secretely you like knowing somebody who hurt you was getting their karma. And when you realize she has somebody else now its kind of an ego killer.

But that will pass.

And btw, shes not over you. If she has to tell you shes over you without you asking, its to reinforce something in her by getting a reaction.

They never get completely over you.

[bpdspell]

I ditched her. I totally ditched her. I left her. I even left her for someone else. I initiated NC. I did everything in my power to push her away and drop her from my life. Everything. She was abusive, angry, confused, mean, manipulative, etc... .  All great reasons to head for the hills.

But, here's my question... .  Why do I FEEL REJECTED? This makes no sense. I dumped her.

Hey Johnny,  

I can totally validate what you are feeling.


I broke up with my ex as the devaluation stage became too painful for me to bear. In the end there were too many lies, rages, too many untruths, triangulation, cheating and gas lighting. I loved him but I couldn't trust him. He destroyed any chance of me ever trusting him again. Along with the mistrust, the entitlement and his narcissism really brought me over the edge. In the end I had to choose me; even when I didn't want to.   :'(

When it was over for good things got quite for a few days but then my abandonment shame came to collect. I was hurting so bad and feeling so rejected and empty. All I could think was: Why didn't he save us? Why did he destroy us? It was pain like I've never known. I felt like the Universe was playing some sort of sick joke on me.

I think the feeling of rejection come from not understanding how they seem to be so willing to damage a good thing. That good thing was us. They seemed to be so in love, so smitten, so wanting to be loved by us but yet they sabotaged every crevice, ounce and corner that existed within the relationship and it forced our hand to make the tough decision to leave for good.

For them it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. They want love but they feel unworthy of it and will do anything to push it away until it affirms the shame that lives inside of them. People with BPD are very insecure. They hate themselves and that self-hate pretty much controls their every move.

We feel rejected because we never wanted to dump them in the first place. We never wanted to abandon them because it meant that we would be without them too but our self-respect couldn't take the incessant blows. We feel rejected because we don't understand how they can devalue us so badly. We feel rejected because in a sense we feel like we were conned. Like they set us up for the fall.

Spell

[gina louise]

DITTO.  every  single   word  Spell  wrote.   



They made certain, through their sabotaging behaviors, that their rejection of us became our abandonment of them.

GL

[doingtheswim]

I ditched her. I totally ditched her. I left her. I even left her for someone else. I initiated NC. I did everything in my power to push her away and drop her from my life. Everything. She was abusive, angry, confused, mean, manipulative, etc... .  All great reasons to head for the hills.

But, here's my question... .  Why do I FEEL REJECTED? This makes no sense. I dumped her.

Hey Johnny,  

I can totally validate what you are feeling.


I broke up with my ex as the devaluation stage became too painful for me to bear. In the end there were too many lies, rages, too many untruths, triangulation, cheating and gas lighting. I loved him but I couldn't trust him. He destroyed any chance of me ever trusting him again. Along with the mistrust, the entitlement and his narcissism really brought me over the edge. In the end I had to choose me; even when I didn't want to.   :'(

When it was over for good things got quite for a few days but then my abandonment shame came to collect. I was hurting so bad and feeling so rejected and empty. All I could think was: Why didn't he save us? Why did he destroy us? It was pain like I've never known. I felt like the Universe was playing some sort of sick joke on me.

I think the feeling of rejection come from not understanding how they seem to be so willing to damage a good thing. That good thing was us. They seemed to be so in love, so smitten, so wanting to be loved by us but yet they sabotaged every crevice, ounce and corner that existed within the relationship and it forced our hand to make the tough decision to leave for good.

For them it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. They want love but they feel unworthy of it and will do anything to push it away until it affirms the shame that lives inside of them. People with BPD are very insecure. They hate themselves and that self-hate pretty much controls their every move.

We feel rejected because we never wanted to dump them in the first place. We never wanted to abandon them because it meant that we would be without them too but our self-respect couldn't take the incessant blows. We feel rejected because we don't understand how they can devalue us so badly. We feel rejected because in a sense we feel like we were conned. Like they set us up for the fall.

Spell

Spell, you described my dynamic perfectly.

How tragic.

I will never forget what I went through.

Johnny, your response is perfectly normal. It also shows how sane you actually are.

It feels horrible, and getting past this is quite simple but takes patience.

Just feel.

Feel rejected. Feel it all.

Eventually it subsides and clarity takes its place.

Thats what I've had to do and am still doing.

Keep with NC, take care of you.

[ExTreme]

       Now whose mirroring whom when the mirrors mirror each other... .  sheese.

No blaming. How about apologizing to the person/people you did wrong by? Chances are they had an inkling, but gave you a break. The pain endured by volunteering to stay with your pwBPD can't justify the betrayal. It vibrated negatively around you.

It might make you feel better?

[willy45]

Dude,

The point was not the betrayal. Why do you keep bringing this up in this thread and others? I'm sorry if you were cheated on by your ex, if that is what happened. That sucks. I've had it happen to me numerous times throughout my life. It sucks. And I am sorry you are hurting from that. But, it doesn't help to vilify everyone out there that has a different experience.

The entire point here is that I could never talk to my exBPD about anything. Not even the most minute problem. So, how would I have ever been able to bring this up? I couldn't tell her that I didn't want to take my bike on the metro without her flipping out and crying for three hours. I couldn't tell her to relax when she would wake up in a rage without her screaming at me to the point of having to hide under the bed.

So yes. I started another relationship with someone else. And yes, I don't feel great about it. I feel an enormous amount of remorse and shame. And yes, I am doing my best to work through it.

Telling me I am mirroring is a bit ridiculous. I am not. I am not projecting. And the whole entire point here is that an apology for anything didn't change a thing. I left my exBPD for someone else who wouldn't yell at me, who wouldn't abuse me, who I could talk to, who I could apologize to. And I have apologized to this new woman. And she accepted. Something that would NEVER would have happened with the exBPD.

I am not justifying the 'betrayal'. Seriously dude. It wasn't even a betrayal. It was a tactic to get away from an extremely abusive person. And I know that was wrong. I wish I had been stronger. I wish I had never gotten involved with my exBPD. But I got out. And this was the way I did it. I'm not proud. If reading something like is triggering you and making you feel bad, don't read it. I am not the cause of your pain.

I was asking a question that is really bothering me. And I got some good responses.

[myself]

You were in a relationship that wasn't working with a person you don't sound like you had a good connection with, who was abusive with you and blamed you for the relationship not working. Feeling rejected because it didn't work? You're taking that on too much? Believing her projections? She acted out against you much of the time, which added to the feelings of being pushed away/rejected. Maybe you're just jonesing for the conflict? Something in there kept you hanging on for years. Could be you liked it?

Being in a better relationship now, accept it. Accept you were once rejected, and may have rejected her as well. Reject those feelings of being rejected and move on as best you can. Some people here can say they did their very best, to keep their relationships balanced, and some can't say that as much. Either way, that was then. This is now.

The answer to this is really inside yourself. So: Why DO you feel this way?

[Rhymes w/Orange]

Hey Johnny, just one more thing from me on this-

This forum is a great place. By that I mean this: I have been married over 20 yrs to dBPDh. Aside from an experienced therapist, the people here are the only ones who can possibly understand my life. With anyone else I would have to spend the whole day explaining background info just so they would understand a 5- second comment I could make on the subject. And they still may not get it. Only people who live it can even have a clue.

Now the thing to keep in mind is that  although we have this very unenviable situation in common, the rest of our viewpoints and experiences can be extremely different, and we all are at different places in the story. Because of that, we may still run into a wall sometimes when trying to communicate.

So treat it like a buffet, take what you want or can use. Leave the rest. Someone else might want it. Know what I mean? 

Keep going Johnny. You're gonna be ok.