URGENT HELP NEEDED: My Mom or ME. Afraid of what I might do.

[Depression = 72% of members]

It's been a long time since I visited bpdfamily.  My Mom (72) acknowledged she had a problem, went to a 4 week course at Seton Mind Institute, another 8 weeks with outpatient therapist and all FOR NOTHING. 

I own the home I bought for my Mom... .  to the tune of $360K, have spent 47 years dealing with abuse, craziness, and bull ~.  Haven't spoken to her since March of last year.  All communication has been with my partner of 22 years, and that has been minimal.

I had made the decision to move her to a smaller, less expensive home/condo & rent her house.  ON THE DAY I was putting in an offer on a new place, I got word from two individuals that are my friends that my Mom had played her games with them in an effort to turn them against me and find solidarity with her.  I BLEW.

I decided to withdraw my offer on the new condo that was less expensive.  My partner is meeting with her this evening to tell her:

1.  You've blown it again and this is why... .  

2.  We are NOT buying another place for you to live in to make up for your poor planning and inability to live within your means. 

3.  We will provide $100K toward your packing, moving, transportation AND purchasing of a place to live... .  inclusively.  She'll have to figure it out, make the plans, find a place and let us know.

4.  She's got 90 days to vacate the house.

5.  ALL STIPULATED ON TWO THINGS:

     1.  She leaves the state of Texas because distance is something we require & there's nothing left for her here... .  no family, no friends & nobody to take care of her... .  that's all an illusion.

     2.  If ANY word gets back to either one of us that she's spoken ill of either one of us, the deals off & she's out on the street with nothing.

I can't see or speak to my Mother because I don't trust her, don't respect her & don't like her.  Haven't for quite some time.  I'm actually afraid of violence toward her if she even attempts to push my buttons-real, physical violence.

My question is IS THERE SOME TYPE OF MEDICARE SUBSIDIZED PLACE FOR LONG TERM, INPATIENT CARE FOR PEOPLE WITH BPD? 

What the hell do people do who are out of resources and need help?  Should I just put her on a plane somewhere?  She has no family left that will have anything to do with her, she has no friends that have any sort of longevity in her life... they're all temporary.  You all know the deal.

I really need some help here.  I feel like I'm literally close to cracking up.  I can't talk to a therapist about this ~ anymore.  I can't TRY to have empathy or compassion anymore.  I JUST WANT HER GONE.     NOW. 

PLEASE HELP ME. 

[habitat]

It's been a long time since I visited bpdfamily.  My Mom (72) acknowledged she had a problem, went to a 4 week course at Seton Mind Institute, another 8 weeks with outpatient therapist and all FOR NOTHING. 

I own the home I bought for my Mom... .  to the tune of $360K, have spent 47 years dealing with abuse, craziness, and bull ~.  Haven't spoken to her since March of last year.  All communication has been with my partner of 22 years, and that has been minimal.

I had made the decision to move her to a smaller, less expensive home/condo & rent her house.  ON THE DAY I was putting in an offer on a new place, I got word from two individuals that are my friends that my Mom had played her games with them in an effort to turn them against me and find solidarity with her.  I BLEW.

I decided to withdraw my offer on the new condo that was less expensive.  My partner is meeting with her this evening to tell her:

1.  You've blown it again and this is why... .  

2.  We are NOT buying another place for you to live in to make up for your poor planning and inability to live within your means. 

3.  We will provide $100K toward your packing, moving, transportation AND purchasing of a place to live... .  inclusively.  She'll have to figure it out, make the plans, find a place and let us know.

4.  She's got 90 days to vacate the house.

5.  ALL STIPULATED ON TWO THINGS:

     1.  She leaves the state of Texas because distance is something we require & there's nothing left for her here... .  no family, no friends & nobody to take care of her... .  that's all an illusion.

     2.  If ANY word gets back to either one of us that she's spoken ill of either one of us, the deals off & she's out on the street with nothing.

I can't see or speak to my Mother because I don't trust her, don't respect her & don't like her.  Haven't for quite some time.  I'm actually afraid of violence toward her if she even attempts to push my buttons-real, physical violence.

My question is IS THERE SOME TYPE OF MEDICARE SUBSIDIZED PLACE FOR LONG TERM, INPATIENT CARE FOR PEOPLE WITH BPD? 

What the hell do people do who are out of resources and need help?  Should I just put her on a plane somewhere?  She has no family left that will have anything to do with her, she has no friends that have any sort of longevity in her life... they're all temporary.  You all know the deal.

I really need some help here.  I feel like I'm literally close to cracking up.  I can't talk to a therapist about this ~ anymore.  I can't TRY to have empathy or compassion anymore.  I JUST WANT HER GONE.     NOW. 

PLEASE HELP ME. 

[Steph]

 What mental illnesses has your mom been diagnosed with?


Yes, there are long term residential placements  available for people with serious and persistant mental illness... at least here in the state of Minnesota. She would have to be willing to sign herself in.

  Having said that, stop trying to bail your mom out. Not sure why you are willing to buy her to leave the area. She is living in your house, ya? It isnt hers? You can legally evict her, if this is the case, at least as far as I know.

It makes sense to suggest that you get help for your emotions around this and your mom.  If you are at the point where you fear violence towards her or anyone else, its time for help. For you.

[habitat]

My Mom has been dianosed by three professionals with BPD-only not directly to her, to me. 

She came to the awareness that something wasn't right on her own, strongly feeling that she had BPD.  That prompted her contacting the Seton Mind Institute for their 4 week "intensive" program from Dialectical Behavior Therapy.  They met three times a week for 4 hours each time.  Following that she met with a psychologist twice a week individually for 8 weeks.

She informed me that she had "graduated" from Seton & was truly appreciate for insight into how destructive she'd always been & the underlying reasons for her behavior.  Of course it was all about being a victim in her childhood-which was NOT true, as corroborated by multiple siblings of hers & family members.

When she notified me of her "graduation,"  she informed me that she'd been dianosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder with Hypervigilance---NOT BPD.  Who doesn't have GAD?

I realize I need help with my own emotions for this, and I know I will see to it that I receive it.  At the moment I need resources for HER. 

HOW do I find out about long term residential treatment for low income individuals.  I just don't have the strength-mentally, emotionally or physically to deal with this anymore. 

The question was asked "why do I have to support my Mom financially or have a place for her to live?"

The answer for that is guilt and obligation, the fact that I'm her only child, the reality that no family members want anything to do with her, and the fact that she receives less than $1000 monthly from Social Security.  What else was I supposed to do?  I tried to provide the best I could for my Mom, but as with everything, it's not good enough.  Nothing will ever be, which is why I need to have her physically removed from my life.  With no other alternative, she WILL sign herself into a facility if faced with homelessness.

Can someone please help me find a place that will accept her with Medicare paying in full?  I am tapped out & don't have the resources to help her financially.  The alternative is grim.

[Steph]

 I would call the county and talk with a social/financial worker there and see what the options are... .  and I would bring your mom to talk with them, and let it be in their hands.

   As stressed as you are,tho, it sure seems like no matter what, you need help. Therapy has helped many, many of us, and I cannot underestimate how much better you will feel, and quickly.

We speak of Fear-Obligation-Guilt here, and how to untangle ourselves from it. Lots to read, lots of help here for that stuff.

  You can actually learn to let your mom be who she is, untangle from the mess, and not be affected by her shenanigans... or you will stop allowig yourself to be.

  Therapy is a place to start, and calling your local county to see what they can offer.  Also, its possible the program she went thru has some aftercare. My H spent 3 YEARS in BPD specific therapy before it worked. I am not surprised your mom isnt ok at this point... it really takes quite awhile to integrate and ALOT of support.

So, you need support, and so does she. Sounds like together, you are toxic. Thats typical, also.

help for you will help you get unmeshed from her... .  and she will then be on her own path. Codependancy seems to be raging full bore, as well.

  See, just because you do everyting amazing for your mom does not mean she will appreciate it. Her mental illness doesnt allow that... and in many ways, it keeps the cycle going.

Lots of workshops here to read and think about. Glad youa re here...

And yea, I had one of those moms, too...


Steph

[Invisigirl]

I'm sorry, this sounds awful and I don't have any better recommendation than what has already been said--contact the county or state social services for help in getting her placed somewhere, whatever state she decides upon. Residency requirements could be an issue, if you're wanting her out of Texas.

What I wanted to mention is that there are no filial responsibility laws in Texas. The state recognizes that adult children should not be required to care for their parents (I also live in Texas so this is something I checked on before going NC with my FOO). So your guilt and obligation may be going gangbusters on you, but you have no legal obligation toward her. Standard disclaimer: I'm not a lawyer, check with your attorney, etc.

Good luck, and I also endorse the recommendation to chat with a therapist. Your life doesn't have to be consumed with anger towards her.

[habitat]

Thank you to those of you who took time from your day to respond to my message earlier.  I'm going to make a call Monday to get back into trying to find a BPD therapist-or at least someone trained to deal with BPD issues.  I really need to check back in & work harder on the anger that surfaces during these intermitent cycles of crazy.  I'm usually just fine and able to let it go.  I think I'm more angry/disappointed with myself for allowing myself to think it could work, for wanting to believe it would be o.k., and for feeling betrayed by someone I already didn't trust.  Who's crazy now?

I'm very fortunate that I've had a happy, healthy, monogomous twenty-two year relationship with a man who is kind but firm, willing to be the force field I need around me at the moment.  For that I feel safe, but I know talking to someone professional is something I need for myself. 

Thanks again.

[daughter05]

I'm assuming you have sole ownership and title to her current home.  You need to sever your business relationship as her landlord, and move her elsewhere to a rental property owned by someone else unrelated to you.  I suspect she'll refuse to move.  If so, you may need to take her to court and get an eviction notice.  She may have squatter's rights, so you'll need an attorney to advise.  I'd frame it as "I need to sell this property for financial reasons", but in court be ready with some affidavits regarding her abusive behavior too.

I suspect asking her to leave the state is unreasonable, and unenforceable.  But you can minimize contact with her, and tune out her malevolence, including learning to disregard the bad-mouthing that she does. 

[BooKat]

Medicare doesn't pay for much in the way of longterm stays. Ir will pay for 90 days in a nursing home after a hospital discharge, but that's it. To get her into housing for the mentally ill that is not private pay, she would usually need to be a client of your state's department that provides services to the mentally ill. it is sometimes difficult to get them to accept a new client who is elderly as priority goes to younger people. Even if she is accepted and offered services, housing is usually tight because so many people need it. Alternatively, if she is low income you could apply for elder housing, which is an apartment in a building for low income people 55 or 65+. But, these would just be older people, not specifically older people with mental illness. You should also look into Medicaid for her, as Medicare doesn't fully cover all medical expenses and Medicaid will pick up the extra costs if she is low income. And yes, if she doesn't leave your house you would need to evict her if she is your tenant.

[redroom]

Leaving her all alone to live on $1000 a month from SS isn't awful.  You CAN live on that amount.  It's not going to be too comfortable, but she'll have to learn how to make do.  Offer to help her find a credit counselor if you feel you need to do something more.  If she can't live within her means, that's 100% her problem. 

I lived on less myself about a decade ago.  I had a tiny studio apartment, was able to pay for my car and expensive insurance (I was young at the time), and I made it all happen without any help from anyone.  I lived on about $750 a month (before tax), and my studio apartment was $365, and it was in a really safe area.  She may have to move somewhere with a cheaper cost of living, but, hey, that's her problem.  She may have to rely on food pantries for some staples, but if you're forced to rely on yourself and no one else to get by, you'll quickly learn what you need to do.  She won't be stuck sitting under an overpass somewhere with a shopping cart and an old blanket.  She'll be fine.  She won't like it (or you) at first, but she will learn. 

And I know that if you try to do this, she'll come back with the "but I could get robbed, or raped" excuse.  There's cheap housing out there in safe areas, especially those 55+ residential communities.  You could offer to help her get services set up or find resources, or you could just tell her to go to her local library or senior center and ask for help from them, because you're done! 

I agree w/ the suggestion of therapy for support of you. 

One thing I wanted to point out, though, (it's kind of a sore spot of mine) is that even though your mom's siblings and other family say that there was no abuse, that doesn't mean that there was no abuse... .    If you asked my family, family friends, and even my abusers, they'd all say that there was no abuse or that they really don't remember anything.  Of course, it's entirely possible that your mom could be making it up, but some abusers are really good at pulling the wool over everyone's eyes. 

[linusham]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I agree with what others have said. I don't know if you can ask her to leave the state but you can ask her to leave your property. You don't have any obligation to her and can tell her to get out. I would speak with a lawyer too and try to get legal advice in case its needed if she digs in to try and stay.

@Steph - can I ask you a question? You said:  'See, just because you do everyting amazing for your mom does not mean she will appreciate it. Her mental illness doesnt allow that... and in many ways, it keeps the cycle going.'  I get that they can't see the nice things done for them but why does doing nice things for them keep the cycle going in some ways? I'm still new and learning about this so I hope you don't mind me asking?

[redroom]

Hi,  I can't speak for Steph, but I know with my mom there are a few reasons that I wouldn't contine doing this with my mom. 

I've always thought that if I could just love my mom enough, be there for her, do nice things for her, that eventually things would get better.  I slowly learned that it's as though she has a hole in her heart.  Any love I show her just leaks right out.  No matter what I do, it's never enough.  It can never make her happy. 

This leads into the second problem with doing nice things for my mom.  She has sort of a narcissistic side to her.  She doesn't see my nice gestures as "love", but rather something that's owed to her because the world revolves around her and how she feels.  It's all about her.  Even though it's owed to her, in her eyes, it's still not good enough because I'm not good enough in her eyes. 

She cares very deeply about how others see her, so she needs something she can show off to others.  Doing nice things for my mom is my mom's way to keep up appearances publicly.  If she's that bad of a mother, why are her children doing nice things for her? 

It may sound as though I'm going in circles, but doing nice things for her isn't what makes her happy.  It's the fact that she could use my nice deeds as evidence to prove to the world that she's a good mother or a poor victim that give her real joy. 

As a side note, my "nice gestures" are limited to Christmas cards, a phone call on her birthday, and talking to her on my birthday.  I live 5 hours away, and neither of us feels it's worth the effort to visit the other, even on holidays.  I only go down there for weddings, funerals, and graduations.  Occasionally we'll "like" each other's cat photos on facebook.    It took me a very long time to get to that point, too. 

[linusham]

Thanks redroom for that explanation.

I also wondered if for them it can make them worse too? I know for example that my sister the more you do for her the more dysregulated she seems to become. it's almost as if she can't stand being reliant on others and yet financially she really needs the help. I wondered if maybe for them it contributes to their issues too? (Although honestly I am starting to believe anything contributes to their issues!)