Have you moved on yet? What's been your struggle? If able, have you gone NC?

[findingmyselfagain]

One of my friends suggested it takes about half the time of the original r/s to move on. We were together for 9 months "officially", but the break-up didn't seem final to me until just over a year. I definitely wasn't moved on after 6 months. I think these r/s's with pwBPDs can be much more traumatic than a normal r/s. I rarely think about other r/s's that have ended. Some say it takes 2 years after a marriage or a divorce, and that seems  more reasonable to me. It's nearly at the 2-year mark for me and I'm just  now feeling "light" and able to get things done, spend time with friends, dating seems a lot less scary now.

I'm not sure exactly what is holding me back. It may be that my feelings were very deep. The honeymoon is so attractive. Though there are signs and odd arguments, the overwhelming feelings of love and romance and passion seem to be plenty, plenty of reassurance. I remember how excited she seemed to look at houses, plan a wedding, have a baby, etc. And all of the XO's, romance, cards, e-cards, etc. I really believed. Really, really believed. A part of me doesn't want to forget the good parts, and I want to remember the "good" in the girl... .  knowing she IS essentially dead to me and probably was never what I thought anyway.

I visited her hometown today, for some reason, first time since summer... .  I think it's a way of me acknowledging her existence, and remembering that the r/s actually did happen. It seems so surreal sometimes that I don't know that my subconscious has accepted all of it at a deep level. It's also a reminder to be careful with my heart, and not to go down the same road again. It didn't sadden me as much as it has in the past. One of my hooks is my concern for the girl and her baby. I'm just a caring person, and it's beyond me to behave how my ex behaved. I'm at a better place now. I have accepted it to the point that I don't want to make contact again and it's getting easier.

The good news is I'm not waking up and ruminating nearly as much. My mind is almost never on her and the old r/s. It's taken months and months and months. It was such a weight to bear. Now things seem much lighter. I used to almost be paralyzed on Sundays b/c it was our day to relax as a family. I haven't even liked going to a church service, especially a traditional church. Now things seem a lot lighter. I'm more excited about dating than I have been in a long time. And I'm dating to fill a void, or out of extreme need, like I was when I found my ex. I'm enjoying life now, so I believe I wouldn't let someone in so quickly.

[ambi]

Nope.  I haven't moved on yet.  What's my struggle?  I don't miss living together - that was draining.  We didn't spend a lot of time together while we lived seperately.  He frequently no-showed.  So, there wasn't much to miss about that.  In fact it's nice not worrying about whether he will or won't show up.  But, we did talk on the phone most mornings.  It was companionship.  I miss that. 

I'm not so fond of the idea of dating just yet.  I don't think I'm ready.  I have a fear factor about picking someone unhealthy, having another painful break up, having my life derailed.  I don't want to get hurt again. 

It might sound nicer if I said it was love, but I'm pretty sure that's not it. 

Do you think you still love her and that's waht holds you back?

[blurry]

In my case, ive already had 2 failed marriages, one for ten years and the other for 5. The difference is those slowely eroded and i knew where i failed or went wrong, and what choices i made wrong in partner selection, in the case of the second one.

I know my role in both and take full responsibility, both were great women but i wasnt the right guy, or vice versa. Now the relationship with the exBPD fiancee, we had a 3 week fling back in 08, with her abruptly ending it, FBing me over the years, none of which i responded to, not out of hurt feelings but out of respect for my wife at the time. Thats another story.

This just took any feelings i ever had for any woman to another level in the 7 or 8 months we just had together, and me trying to take inventory of my shortcomings from the 2 failed marriages, and not making the same mistakes, which i thought i did a pretty good job of, and now its over for the third time since late Sept.

Guess its the suddenness, combined with the intensity on her part from intense love to hate at various times that all caught me off guard. Plus she does something to me that i never felt before, i literally lose my breath when i catch that first glimpse of her, when she walks in the room or i turn around and see her standing there, or when i wake up next to her in the morning. Scared to death ill never find that again, never knew it existed my first 39 years, and i got by np, but now i wish i never found it, for fear i never will again.

I really, truely wanted to be a better person for this woman which i guess makes me co-dependant, gotta try to be a better person for myself i guess, for the first time in a long time.

[OTH]

The r/s took hold of your weaknesses. You still dwell on it because she was the source of the problem. Solution? Think beyond her. Meditation and new social experiences. A lot of people who post here seem to struggle with more social experiences. We need it. Just leave the idealization out of it

[tflbhs]

In my situation, I still struggle. I broke it off for good just a month ago. I'm a little depressed and very afraid of the loneliness I feel. I struggle not to call her and I struggle to see my friends when they know I need them so much at this time. I've canceled every social outting I had agreed to join. I'm just not ready. I even chose to work late and spend the New Year alone. Hoping things become easier over the next weeks. The worst part? She already had a male friend spend the entire weekend. I'm not supposed to care but it hurts. I've asked everyone to avoid giving me updates. The hurdle for me is wanting her more than anything but knowing she is wrong for me.

[findingmyselfagain]

Hmmm, yes, I do believe falling out of love has been very difficult for me. There's a part of me that really would have liked for that fantasy to come true. Sweet, sexy, romantic... .  likes to go out and have fun and spend lots of time together. Of course I know now that she isn't really all of those qualities. Only in that moment in which she thought I was the answer to her void and world of hurt, until I turned into the "bad parent." Part of me re-visiting may be my way of helping myself to fall out of love, by allowing myself to feel the pain that wasn't there when we were together.  It ended so abruptly that I just don't think it sank in with me on a deep level just how unhealthy she is/was for me. That part that was attached hoped for "true love" when it was only a mirage.

Intellectually I've understood all of these things, but emotionally it's taken a LOT of introspection and painful feelings. A lot of it is just my compassion for her broken-ness and a desire to comfort her. I was attracted to her for all kinds of unhealthy reasons. My own inner child needed lots of attention and healing. I very strongly felt like I needed to give her a chance. She was a single mom like my mother. My mother is also emotionally unstable and has health issues. So I've spent a lot of my time focused on others' needs and am very compassionate. She was also probably more manupilative than I know. I can remember her hiding schoolbooks from me so I could read faster than my peers. Who knows where I might be if I was encouraged in the right way? But what can you do except live for the now? Throw in lack of healthy relationship experience and lack of preparation for a pwBPD and being overly trusting to words and romance. It was a disaster waiting to happen.

I agree social experiences are the key to enjoying life and re-building intimacy and healthy relationships. I joined 2 social sports leagues (sports + happy hour) and have joined meetups for my interests. I just upgraded to a HDTV and I've spent money re-decorating my condo. Getting out was EXTREMELY hard at first. Little by little I've been rebuilding. I talked to a lovely woman at a Meetup event earlier this evening. She seems smart and talkative so I'm excited about that. She seems normal and definitely not in need of rescue. I'm feeling lighter than I have in years, maybe longer than I even know. It's important to keep pushing in a healthy direction. I'd like to get to the point where spending time in that part of town didn't even appear on my radar except to enjoy the attractions there. I may just almost be there.

[OutsidetheHermitWalls]

findingmyselfagain,

Moving on?  A "new normal" I call it.  It's Sunday night and I miss my exBPDwife.  Even knowing she does not miss me matters little.  The holidays are finally over, so I have had hours in each day that are starting to be more normalized.  On New Years Eve I kissed a girl.  Now my marriage was seven weeks.  The whole relationship 12 months.  The friendship 5 years but it's misleading because some of the time in the 5 years we had little contact because she was in a 2 year relationship back then.  After the fact I found out it her boyfriend was into girls who would have 3 ways.  My exBPD wife qualified being bi-sexual.  She implied the opportunity to me, but as enticing as it sounded it's a college fantasy that died decades ago.  Anyways, back to the new girl.  Ironically, I dated her a month before I reconnected with my exBPD.  She holds a relatively high position at a large company.  At the time i was in outside sales at a large company myself.  As a result we both worked long hours.  She stood me up on our 2nd date due to work.  Though I did not take offense I did not pursue a rain check.  This girl called me apologizing for her flakiness, felt like we had a good first date and a good first kiss and wanted to resume.  Though I was flattered I was two months into my BPD relationship; which as we all know was in it's "idealization" stage, hence magic had happened.  I acknowleged to the girl I did feel something also, however, I was seeing somebody.  So fast forward to New Years, she randonmly texted me and we went to a movie on Christmas Day evening.  Now at this time I am pretty much a mess, but it was nice to have some female company.   This woman is not hard on the eyes at all.  We kissed again.  It was pleasant, not addictive.  New Years Eve was much fun.  But I am very hesitant to have sex with her.  I told her at this point I have to get to know her before the relationship sexualizes; because otherwise there is a good chance I will feel uncomfortable and I will be gone.  And it's not that I am expecting the sex to be like the BPD; and I cannot believe I am saying this as a man, but often times the sex felt like I was a dildo with a mouth.  I love sex.  But after awhile the absence of any sort of intimate connection became apparent.  Translated:  Sex is kind of screwed up for me now.  On the positive side being with this woman had made me realize how little I received in my BPD relationship.  I am not sure how I came to accept it; I can only say we had two miscarriages and being that she did not admit to having BPD at the time; her 'depression' due to the miscarriages masked alot.  Looking back I realize the depression was linked to her Hermit/Waif subtype.  She always talked about trying to keep her 'walls' down.  I associated the word 'walls' like I mean it; meaning for a momentary period of time I will put my walls up; but they come down rather quickly.  Once my exBPD walls went up we were divorced and I have never spoken to her since.  The divorce was very emotionally violent.  Anyways, I pay close attention to everything this new woman does.  I am very direct with where I am at, but ultimately I fear that I will leave at the slightest hint of threat.  Am I like her now?   URGGG!  But I am acting as if I am moving on though truth be told emotionally I am still very damaged.  Hope that helps.

[myboneshurt]

It's been since Christmas Eve, and I still can't let go of the pain.  I don't get it.  She didn't come clean about what had happened (found out she was at another guy's place every time I left home - as she would never leave my place).  I had asked her if she cheated and she told me she hadn't.  I thought I had caught her in "emotional cheating", only to find out it was much much worse.  I saw photos of her, pornographic ones with him, and very graphic images that are seared into my head.  The other ones are of him and her acting as if they were lovers, at her parents place at Christmas, at a basketball game with front-row seats (a present from her parents for US), and a smile of complete bliss from her that I hadn't seen in years.

After 2.5 years of drama, are you having as hard of a time putting the pain away?  It seems foolish that I continue to look at the things that hurt me.

[bb12]

For me, it was learning how to process things emotionally and not just rationally. All the reading and education does not cut the tie or counter the pull. But knowing what they are... .  And then what I am... .  Came with a feeling if relief. And then feelings of knowing it could never work. I believe that until we feel love for ourselves and our past, compassion for them and their illness and hope for our own future, the there will be no moving on.

Feel for the closure instead of rationalise the events that led to the break up.

My 2 cents

Bb12

[bpdspell]

One of my friends suggested it takes about half the time of the original r/s to move on. We were together for 9 months "officially", but the break-up didn't seem final to me until just over a year. I definitely wasn't moved on after 6 months. I think these r/s's with pwBPDs can be much more traumatic than a normal r/s. I rarely think about other r/s's that have ended. Some say it takes 2 years after a marriage or a divorce, and that seems  more reasonable to me. It's nearly at the 2-year mark for me and I'm just  now feeling "light" and able to get things done, spend time with friends, dating seems a lot less scary now.

I'm not sure exactly what is holding me back. It may be that my feelings were very deep. The honeymoon is so attractive. Though there are signs and odd arguments, the overwhelming feelings of love and romance and passion seem to be plenty, plenty of reassurance. I remember how excited she seemed to look at houses, plan a wedding, have a baby, etc. And all of the XO's, romance, cards, e-cards, etc. I really believed. Really, really believed. A part of me doesn't want to forget the good parts, and I want to remember the "good" in the girl... .  knowing she IS essentially dead to me and probably was never what I thought anyway.

I visited her hometown today, for some reason, first time since summer... .  I think it's a way of me acknowledging her existence, and remembering that the r/s actually did happen. It seems so surreal sometimes that I don't know that my subconscious has accepted all of it at a deep level. It's also a reminder to be careful with my heart, and not to go down the same road again. It didn't sadden me as much as it has in the past. One of my hooks is my concern for the girl and her baby. I'm just a caring person, and it's beyond me to behave how my ex behaved. I'm at a better place now. I have accepted it to the point that I don't want to make contact again and it's getting easier.

The good news is I'm not waking up and ruminating nearly as much. My mind is almost never on her and the old r/s. It's taken months and months and months. It was such a weight to bear. Now things seem much lighter. I used to almost be paralyzed on Sundays b/c it was our day to relax as a family. I haven't even liked going to a church service, especially a traditional church. Now things seem a lot lighter. I'm more excited about dating than I have been in a long time. And I'm dating to fill a void, or out of extreme need, like I was when I found my ex. I'm enjoying life now, so I believe I wouldn't let someone in so quickly.

Finding myself,

Healing is a day to day process. Miraculously progress towards healing is made as time marches on. There is no measuring stick for "how long" it should take. Three steps forward, two back.  In six months I accepted that the ex was mentally ill and that there was nothing that I could have done to fix it. The next six months were about facing my FOO issues. And boy was that hard. I balled my eyes out, primal screamed, and emotionally emptied myself to become whole again. The next six months was about accepting the fullness of his disorder, forgiving myself, and reflecting on how far I've come from the day I lie in a crumbling heap on my bedroom floor crying uncontrollably morning, noon and night and never wanting to wake up. Those were the really dark days. :'(

My biggest struggle was acceptance and strengthening my own twisted beliefs about my self worth. I was literally "addicted" to the memories of the good times and not very accepting of my current reality. As poorly as my ex treated me I needed him to rescue me from my damaged self; the self that I didn't have the courage to face. It was hard and it still is very difficult looking in the mirror and making peace with what I see. Self-love had been such a foreign concept to me for so long. Sometimes it still feels strange.

A couple of things helped.

I had to accept that a disordered person could never have the keys to my happiness. I had to accept my twisted belief systems about love and self worth. I had to own my codependent traits and acknowledge, mourn and grieve the deep hurt from my childhood. I had to stop giving my ex my power, my self-respect and giving him the authority to create my life story. I had to stop treating him like he was the period at the end of my life's sentence. There is life after them. They are not the gatekeepers of passion and excitement. They are not the gatekeepers of great sex. They are not the gatekeepers of happiness; they are the gatekeepers of misery loving company.

I think it's hard to let go because we can't see how much we've won. We're so focused on the loss we blinded by the increase in the WIN column.

Spell

[bb12]

BPDspell

You are a freak of nature!

I have printed that post out and put it in my diary

Just wonderfully written and the imagery and poignancy are sublime

Thank you!

Bb12

[jdcthunder14]

I think it's hard to let go because we can't see how much we've won. We're so focused on the loss we blinded by the increase in the WIN column.

Spell

Key point there, we focus on the loss rather than the gain. I had a friend of hers that had been played with too and didn't want anything to do with her anymore tell me after the breakup that "you're free." She was right, I wasn't ready to really hear that then but it is the truth. When I think logically, instead of emotionally I know full well nothing good was ever going to come of this relationship.

[tflbhs]

Good evening. I am not sure if you will recieve this after so much time has passed. Im on this site for the first time in a while. I was able to go back a few weeks ago to retreive my furniture. No contact before that. It has been months. But after seeing the one I thought I would spend my life with, I'm back to square one again. The good thing is that this is only happening emotionally. I have not seen my friend since the pick up of my things. My mind is going crazy with the smell of spring again and I find that Im secretly wishing for ways to make it work. But I have not and will not tell anyone. Its just me and my mind's memories and sadness at the moment.

[OTH]

You should be sad. You should feel loss. That is the way it should be. When your ex won't even talk to you about what happened it feels like a death. Trying to get your emotions in sync with what your logical mind understands is a battle. Keep your best interests in mind when making decisions but feel what you have to feel. Feelings pass they are not permanent. Longing, hurt, lonely, fear, anger. They all pass. Good decisions lead to a better future.

Good evening. I am not sure if you will recieve this after so much time has passed. Im on this site for the first time in a while. I was able to go back a few weeks ago to retreive my furniture. No contact before that. It has been months. But after seeing the one I thought I would spend my life with, I'm back to square one again. The good thing is that this is only happening emotionally. I have not seen my friend since the pick up of my things. My mind is going crazy with the smell of spring again and I find that Im secretly wishing for ways to make it work. But I have not and will not tell anyone. Its just me and my mind's memories and sadness at the moment.