confused

[ambi]

When we stopped seeing each other, I told him I could not stay in the relationship becuase it was not healthy for me.  I laid out my boundary in response to a request made by him.  I said that I would be willing to talk, but only if he was speaking for and about himself, and what he had to say was about figuring out how to make it different.  We agreed not to date others - but I told him I would only wait until the new year.  I was not going to put myself in a  holding pattern indefinitely.  He went silent for about a month after that.

We are in LC.  We text every couple of weeks - very superficial stuff about the weather and stuff.  He dropped off a Christmas gift on Christmas eve.  He only stayed two minutes.  It was the kind of gift you'd give a friend and that was fine.  I had one to give him as well.  I gave him a hug goodbye.

He initiates the texts/emails about 95% of the time.  Today, he dropped something off at my house that I needed.  I wasn't home, so I texted a thank you.  We went back and forth a couple of times - civil niceties.  Then, I asked something a tiny bit more personal in response to something he said.  He went silent.   I don't understand why he does that.  Is it some silly passive aggressive thing?  Get me to talk to him for a minute and then shut it down with the silent treatment?  (He was aware from MC that I hate the silent treatment and I used to find it very painful.)

The temptation is there to respond about his rudeness.  And, the temptation is also there to ask about that January deadline.  I won't.  :)o you think he realizes that these are hooks?  

Just wondering why he's chosen this path.  But, I am grateful it's not vindictive in the ways I worried about.

[seeking balance]

Is it possible his silence is not rude - simply he was triggered and instead of reacting emotionally to your personal question he is trying to find a mindful answer?  Or perhaps - he sees your question as rude since it is personal and you left him?

If you know this is one of his maladaptive coping strategies from MC - why do you think he would react differently when triggered now?

Sorry if you feel that I am not validating your pain - I hear you that you don't like the passive aggressive nature - it seems that maybe you are expecting a bit much from communication with him... .  what would you have liked the communication with him to look like ideally?

[ambi]

Hi SB:

Thanks for the reality check.  I needed that more than the validation. 

You're right.  If he was this way in marriage, why would I think he'd be different in separation/divorce.  As to the question, I hadn't considered his perspective.   He mentioned a financial concern, I asked if he was okay. He finally  responded a few minutes ago.  He said he'll be fine as long as nothing unexpected happens this year.   You were right on that score too - he was taking his time to give me a mindful response - don't take anything financial out of the marriage on the way out the door.

Thanks, SB.

[seeking balance]

Hi SB:

Thanks for the reality check.  I needed that more than the validation. 

You're right.  If he was this way in marriage, why would I think he'd be different in separation/divorce.  As to the question, I hadn't considered his perspective.   He mentioned a financial concern, I asked if he was okay. He finally  responded a few minutes ago.  He said he'll be fine as long as nothing unexpected happens this year.   You were right on that score too - he was taking his time to give me a mindful response - don't take anything financial out of the marriage on the way out the door.

Thanks, SB.

Nothing is easy about this situation - so much easier to see from the outside then in the middle of it.

[Seahorse1]

You've already had a rough week end... .  Sometimes we just need to switch our mind of from our BPD person... .  Easier said than done... .  ( I would be relaxing right now instead of on here if I could do that my self

[ambi]

Yup.  Vulnerability's driving me a little right now.  Maybe it's time for some Angry Birds!  Thanks, Seahorse.