Do looks matter?

[Depression = 72% of members]

So I was snooping around on another board, and I read something that  sparked a question... .  

Do you  think  looks matter when it comes to splitting, or painting a person black?  Like if you  were to change your hair or  the very next time you saw them,  you just looked different? Is  their disorder shallow?

***** disclaimer... .  I  jam not planning any stunt or  major appearance altering. I' just curious*********

[smartwoman220]

So I was snooping around on another board, and I read something that  sparked a question... .  

Do you  think  looks matter when it comes to splitting, or painting a person black?  Like if you  were to change your hair or  the very next time you saw them,  you just looked different? Is  their disorder shallow?

***** disclaimer... .  I  jam not planning any stunt or  major appearance altering. I' just curious*********

[OFFtheTopRope]

Not for the NON.  Once you're painted black it sure doesnt matter what you LOOK like or dont.  It wont change their perception of being the devil incarnate.  You have become unattractive to them in any way, shape or form, possibly triggering fear in them. 

If any physical appearance is likely to change, it will be the BPD altering theirs.  Its an identity disorder and mine had every style imaginable day to day. 

Your question is strange to me.  It seems many NONs reach for something they can "do" in futile efforts to "turn" the BPD around.  It will never work!  Many who've painted someone black dont even seen to recognize when they run into an ex again.  Object consistency and selective psychosis.  If you've been painted black and are a trigger for strong BPD traits, any good youve EVER done before or since is interpreted as "all bad". 

Your physical appearance is totally irrelevant in any of this.  I suggest you read deeper into what it means to be painted black to gain a much better understanding.  This is psychological.

[bpdspell]

It seems many NONs reach for something they can "do" in futile efforts to "turn" the BPD around.  It will never work!  Many who've painted someone black dont even seen to recognize when they run into an ex again.  Object consistency and selective psychosis.  If you've been painted black and are a trigger for strong BPD traits, any good youve EVER done before or since is interpreted as "all bad".  

Your physical appearance is totally irrelevant in any of this.  

I agree. BPD is a mental illness and an attachment disorder that's triggered by closeness, intimacy and vulnerability. How we look physically is irrelevant. You could look like Ryan Gosling or Paul Newman or Denzel Washington or Miss Universe, USA or America and you'd still get the ___ treatment.

You have to go through several stages of closeness before you are painted black and usually we are painted black because we are demanding of mature reciprocal love... .  something that is frustrating for them because they don't have it to give. When you're needs are on the table they bail. When they have your love they don't trust it. They are insecure and carry loads of shame. Shame that they've hidden until the mask falls off. This isn't about degrees of attractiveness. BPD is about being emotionally and mentally sick in the heart and head.

Spell

[myself]

This isn't about degrees of attractiveness. BPD is about being emotionally and mentally sick in the heart and head.

It's true. I've seen where the pwBPD in my life mistreated the animals in her life, the same ones she'd often called 'angels'. Who she never had a problem with as far as looks go. I know the relationships we have with our animal-friends are different than those with our SO's, but it's the closeness that sets it off, and whoever is the closest gets the worst of it. Looks don't matter because at that point they're not really seeing whoever it really is because they're too busy avoiding seeing who they themselves really are. The intensity of that avoidance burns us all.

[smartwoman220]

Just a side note here... .  I have read about splitting and I understand the concept.I also have read that a person can be painted black and white many times for any reason. I also understand that this a mental disorder, and isn't completely understood.

As I also stated, there is a post on the spiritual board. I. Which the poster is in the midst of chemotherapy, and her BPDbf left. She was saying that she thought it was because her hair was falling out.

So it triggered that question for me. I know mine was big on looks and what other people saw in the relationship.

I know what is written about splitting.  This question was more about opinions and experiences.

[Rose Tiger]

The person in chemo was probably left because the pwBPD felt abandoned.  They are very self absorbed.  How dare the non be all involved in chemo and not them.  They left to go find other sources to take care of them.  If the person recovered and was able to meet the need, then the pwBPD might return.  I can't imagine a worse partner for someone dealing with cancer.

[cookiecrumbled]

It seems many NONs reach for something they can "do" in futile efforts to "turn" the BPD around.  It will never work!  Many who've painted someone black dont even seen to recognize when they run into an ex again.  Object consistency and selective psychosis.  If you've been painted black and are a trigger for strong BPD traits, any good youve EVER done before or since is interpreted as "all bad".  

Your physical appearance is totally irrelevant in any of this.  

I agree. BPD is a mental illness and an attachment disorder that's triggered by closeness, intimacy and vulnerability. How we look physically is irrelevant. You could look like Ryan Gosling or Paul Newman or Denzel Washington or Miss Universe, USA or America and you'd still get the ___ treatment.

You have to go through several stages of closeness before you are painted black and usually we are painted black because we are demanding of mature reciprocal love... .  something that is frustrating for them because they don't have it to give. When you're needs are on the table they bail. When they have your love they don't trust it. They are insecure and carry loads of shame. Shame that they've hidden until the mask falls off. This isn't about degrees of attractiveness. BPD is about being emotionally and mentally sick in the heart and head.

Spell

Wow, Spell.  You. Are. Awesome.  I am new and have never heard of being "painted black" but now I understand.  Your sentence of "usually we are painted black because we are demanding of mature reciprocal love... .  "  Amazing.  You just summed up my entire relationship.  Thank you.