Weekend

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

So the cycle begins.  Saturday morning as I woke up, uBPDh immediately wanted to be intimate with me.  This is something I am very uncomfortable with. He asked if we are ever going to see my counselor and I said I don't know. Told him I offered to see his counselor a while ago but he never set that up. He said I told him I didn't want to go, which is not true. I asked him if he has any clue as to what's going on here and what he's done? He said he has no idea. He wanted me to tell him, so I did.

I told him not speaking to me for 3 1/2 weeks was so wrong on all levels. I asked him if his counselor knows and he said he told her and she asked why he didn't speak to me and he told her I twisted and turned everything around. That's a lie! He wasn't talking to me so how could I turn things around. See, he tried making me look like I did something wrong. He told me when I asked him the reason he didn't speak to me was that he didn't want to burden me with his surgery! Nothing matches up. He still doesn't see that what he did was a bad thing to do to his wife!

So then I told him he's pushed me away. He has everything so nice here and he's thrown it away. I said 'you have a family, nice house, I'm a loving person, I have a good job, I am a great mother. You don't appreciate me at all. You don't care about how you've hurt and you keep hurting and hurting without any apology or attempt to make it better between us.' I told him he is scary. I said I will not tolerate him telling me to pack my stuff and leave. He said he told me that because I walked away from him during the argument the day before his surgery. Well, It's in my right to walk away when he is nasty and belittles me.

I told him a husband and a wife are supposed to be a team. I told him he fights me about everything, like he's so much better than me. I then confronted him with throwing me under the bus with his mom. How something that should have been kept between us wasn't. Then he goes on to say he's mad because my sister didn't ask him how he is recovering from surgery. That I probably have told her everything that's been going on and how he's been acting. He wants to keep it behind closed doors.

I said he's not allowed to tell me to be quiet - like how he said on NYE and he also said it to me in the car on Thanksgiving bc I packed 'too many options for the kids to play with on the ride to his brother's house.' He had another excuse for that. I told him this isn't fair for me, that he doesn't have a clue on how to love or to treat a woman. That I haven't changed- I'm still the same loving person. He said 'We know you haven't changed' in a nasty tone. I said he has a problem and I can't fix him and I doubt my counselor can either. He then started getting angrier and told me I am controlling, like when times the girls can get in moods, so he called me a control freak. That's when I stated 'I'm ending this conversation now and I'm walking away.' I opened the door and walked out, shut the door and then of course came the tears.

Most of the weekend he seemed withdrawn, but also depressed.  This morning he sent me an email:

"I'm sorry that you feel the way you do about us.  I don't want to hurt you anymore and I want to assure you that I do care about you and the kids.  None of you are an inconvenience to me.  I'm going to contact my counselor and set up an appointment for us.  If you don't want to go that will be your choice, but you are welcome to meet with her. "

I don't buy this!  He's done this before, almost like reality is setting in and I do not believe him that he cares or is able to care.  I am a trigger for him, 100% believe it.  So, do I meet with his counselor? I almost feel like I need to write her a letter explaining what life with him is really like.

The other thing on my mind is that his birthday is coming up next week. Typically I plan a really nice get-together for the family, send out cute invitations, do dinner, drinks, cake. I can't plan a birthday party  for someone who I feel is bullying me.  I can't do this!   I don't have a problem getting a cake and doing something small for our family but my heart just isn't into a party.  The thing is he will make me look bad with his family. His mom will ask if we're having something and he will most likely tell her I don't want to plan anything. 

How do we win? Is it the day that I find complete happiness and peace within myself?

[Mind]

So the cycle begins.  Saturday morning as I woke up, uBPDh immediately wanted to be intimate with me.  This is something I am very uncomfortable with. He asked if we are ever going to see my counselor and I said I don't know. Told him I offered to see his counselor a while ago but he never set that up. He said I told him I didn't want to go, which is not true. I asked him if he has any clue as to what's going on here and what he's done? He said he has no idea. He wanted me to tell him, so I did.

I told him not speaking to me for 3 1/2 weeks was so wrong on all levels. I asked him if his counselor knows and he said he told her and she asked why he didn't speak to me and he told her I twisted and turned everything around. That's a lie! He wasn't talking to me so how could I turn things around. See, he tried making me look like I did something wrong. He told me when I asked him the reason he didn't speak to me was that he didn't want to burden me with his surgery! Nothing matches up. He still doesn't see that what he did was a bad thing to do to his wife!

So then I told him he's pushed me away. He has everything so nice here and he's thrown it away. I said 'you have a family, nice house, I'm a loving person, I have a good job, I am a great mother. You don't appreciate me at all. You don't care about how you've hurt and you keep hurting and hurting without any apology or attempt to make it better between us.' I told him he is scary. I said I will not tolerate him telling me to pack my stuff and leave. He said he told me that because I walked away from him during the argument the day before his surgery. Well, It's in my right to walk away when he is nasty and belittles me.

I told him a husband and a wife are supposed to be a team. I told him he fights me about everything, like he's so much better than me. I then confronted him with throwing me under the bus with his mom. How something that should have been kept between us wasn't. Then he goes on to say he's mad because my sister didn't ask him how he is recovering from surgery. That I probably have told her everything that's been going on and how he's been acting. He wants to keep it behind closed doors.

I said he's not allowed to tell me to be quiet - like how he said on NYE and he also said it to me in the car on Thanksgiving bc I packed 'too many options for the kids to play with on the ride to his brother's house.' He had another excuse for that. I told him this isn't fair for me, that he doesn't have a clue on how to love or to treat a woman. That I haven't changed- I'm still the same loving person. He said 'We know you haven't changed' in a nasty tone. I said he has a problem and I can't fix him and I doubt my counselor can either. He then started getting angrier and told me I am controlling, like when times the girls can get in moods, so he called me a control freak. That's when I stated 'I'm ending this conversation now and I'm walking away.' I opened the door and walked out, shut the door and then of course came the tears.

Most of the weekend he seemed withdrawn, but also depressed.  This morning he sent me an email:

"I'm sorry that you feel the way you do about us.  I don't want to hurt you anymore and I want to assure you that I do care about you and the kids.  None of you are an inconvenience to me.  I'm going to contact my counselor and set up an appointment for us.  If you don't want to go that will be your choice, but you are welcome to meet with her. "

I don't buy this!  He's done this before, almost like reality is setting in and I do not believe him that he cares or is able to care.  I am a trigger for him, 100% believe it.  So, do I meet with his counselor? I almost feel like I need to write her a letter explaining what life with him is really like.

The other thing on my mind is that his birthday is coming up next week. Typically I plan a really nice get-together for the family, send out cute invitations, do dinner, drinks, cake. I can't plan a birthday party  for someone who I feel is bullying me.  I can't do this!   I don't have a problem getting a cake and doing something small for our family but my heart just isn't into a party.  The thing is he will make me look bad with his family. His mom will ask if we're having something and he will most likely tell her I don't want to plan anything. 

How do we win? Is it the day that I find complete happiness and peace within myself?

[Surnia]

Sparkle

So sorry to hear about your last weekend.

You and your husband were trapped in a circular argument. There is a lot right and wrongs, no validation.  So the outcome is deep frustration, for both of you.

You are on the undecided board. Did you read the Lessons on the right side "Stop the bleeding"? This could help stepping back little bit.

Are you really undecided or do you tend more to leaving?

[gina louise]

Sparkle13

I am sorry you have to go through this.

I can recall saying almost those exact words to my uBPDh... .  (StbX.) Same arguments over and over.

He never heard me-he heard what he wanted to hear. He heard what was spinning around in his head.

Remember, birthdays, as almost any special event - are triggers for their emotional upheavals,

I would keep the birthday low key.


GL

[Lady31]

Sparkle,

Regarding the counselor - if it were me, I would go.  Simply for your own navigation through all this.  If you don't go, you may regret it later.

I think going, and then discussing what would be needed while there for a long term path to restoration would be good.

If you still love him and would want things to work out if possible - then why not?  He will either set the appointment and go, or he won't.  If he does go to the initial appt - he will either continue along a path of counseling and treatment that is needed, or he won't.

You will have a third party present for many of the issues and this makes it much harder for them to twist and place blame on you - I know this first hand.

This is actually what caused my BPDh to STOP going I believe.  He was exposed and could not play any games or projection when at the counselors.

Anyway.  You will not have regrets later wondering if you had tried it would it make a difference, you will have someone else who sees what's going on (= validation) & you will then have help sorting through your own expectations, desires & potential choices for the relationship.

If he does not set the appt on his own that's another story. Then you will need to decide if you will continue on the way you are or place boundaries/requirements in order for you to be willing to continue on the way you are.

[Mind]

I think I will go to his counselor for my own purpose.  I am pretty sure since he does not see reality of the situation, he hasn't been telling her what the problem is.  He doesn't see it and this was confirmed because over the weekend he asked me what was wrong.  I am sure he will have a tough time with me there, like when he went with me to mine.  I could tell he was very uncomfortable.  I really believe he doesn't want me to go, which is why he lied saying I didn't want to go.  We'll see what happens.

Like many here, I've been dealing with this for years.   I have been bouncing back and forth between this board and the leaving board. It was last year where everything started to come together quickly as to why his behavior never made sense and was so erratic.

I know many on here are in situations where there is more happy moments than sad and hurtful, and that is wonderful even though not easy.  Unfortunately, I believe I'm past that point now.  I cannot seem to find any happy moments with him anymore.  He's outside of our family circle, drifting further away.  The truth is I really am having a hard time loving him.  I am a person filled with love and I am not living up to my purpose to be able to show him and give him my love. He doesn't allow it.

[Mind]

Well we're meeting with his counselor today. I have an appointment with my counselor before that so this will be a good thing for us to discuss.   I'm trying to keep an open mind about it and remember this will be good for me. 

I've been floating between this board and the leaving board more recently.  I feel like he's just doing this because of what happened over the weekend and I wouldn't be intimate with him.  I have so many thoughts going around in my mind and I hope that I will be clear enough with what I say. Would this person even pick up on what's going on here? 

If anything, I will go into it with being strong and sticking to the facts because it's all the truth. Maybe having that third party will help me be clearer on what to decide in this situation.

[Surnia]

Hi sparkle

As long as you are in counseling together this board is the better place. Leaving is for those who are not anymore in a relationship.

Part of being undecided is also asking: Is this the rs I want have? What about leaving? Seing a T is a good thing to sort all this out.

[Lady31]

Sparkle,

Keep us posted on the counseling appt.  I pray you have peace today.  You can't control the outcome.  You can only do your part and getting everything out there.  You know what the truth is for you!

I hope you get another level of clarity through this for yourself.