day 7

[mitchell16]

well it is day 7 since I last heard from my BPDGF. On our last conversation she was telling me all the reasons we shouldnt be together. She didnt want to get married and didnt think it was right that we pratically lived together. ( which we dont) we live to far away to just date, how when she gets mad and starts saying things hurtful and I leave and she hates thats and I know this (according to her) but a few weeks ago when I would leave when shes having a melt down, she said she thought that worked out the best since we would have time to cool down and not say things we didnt mean. but last time it became a problem when I left. I asked her if she just wanted it to be done and for us to go our seperate ways and her last words were I dont know, I dont know what I want. Then she said goodbye and we havent spoken since. I got one text NYE that said she was sorry for everything she said and I havent heard from her since.

This has been going on for almost two years, I allowed myself to be recycled some many times I can no longer keep up with it. we have went days and weeks without talking before. IM really stuck right now. I want it to end but of course im missing her terrible right now. I keep replaying all the horrible bad thing she has said to me and done to me in the past. The lying, accusing me of things I havent done. The psuhing me away and ruining every holiday for the last two years. I hopeing that will sustain me. But im really struggling.

[Seahorse1]

We all have our bad days were we struggle... .  

I think we need to keep in mind how chaotic and confusing these relationships can be... .  

My ex and I also recylced so many times it's impossible to keep track of... .  

Try to take this time to really think what you want... .  can you see being with her and things changing?

Sorry you're struggling... .  

I'm in the same boat ( we're broken up)

And I'm the one who has now said many bad things to him... .  Lashing out at all the bad things done and said to me and I have a lot of guilt... .  

[mitchell16]

thanks Seahorse1, No I cant see anything ever changing with her. The last recycle I told her I was done and not call me anymore that I was moving on. Of course she then called every chance she could, drove to my house, implied that she would commit suicide. I caved. becasue she had never acted like that before.

I too said alot of things on our last fight, I told she was meand and thing she said was abusive and belittleing. I have some guilt over it but it also was the truth. but I had enough of her Dr. Jkle and Mr. hyde routine and just becuase she had a bad day at work didnt give her the right to take it out on me. I lashed out.

Im just trying at the moment to keep myself busy, get my life organized, gonna try to get back into gym and give up smoking as ways to help me get over this. Like I said its been 7 day without contact , not our longest but something tells me I may not be reycled again. of ocurse I have felt that way before only to be wrong. and I question myself that if deep down I dont want the recycle as someway of validating that I had meant something to her. I know my nerves cant stand anymore and I ready to be happy in my life. I just have to keep reminding myself of how many times it happened and how she wont let or cant let it work.

[bpdspell]

Hey Mitchell,

Since this is the leaving board I'm going to push you a little... .  

Based on what you've written... .  how bad does it have to get for you to make a decision to end this relationship for good? When will you take yourself off the roller coaster? Allowing room for your ex to keep coming back into your life has to be wearing you down. I can hear your ambivalence but at some point you have to make the decision that's best for you.

If your girlfriend is truly an undiagnosed BPD her behavior, her anxieties and her projections and her twisted thinking will not change. And unfortunately we do not have the power to remedy this disorder with our love. We cannot fix them, heal them or make them see the light at the end of the tunnel. We cannot love them to wholeness or make them love us the way we need to be loved.

Do you want this woman to be your future? Your wife? Take it into consideration... .  

Spell

[myself]

Mitchell, I was right where you were. So many of the details are the same. When I honestly weighed up all the goods and bads, even though I didn't want to see it, it was too much bad, and I had to stay away. It's been best to end it. I struggled, too, it was a very hard and life-altering decision. But the only way to get through it is to just get through it. You have to mean it, or it won't take. You'll be susceptible to recycles, and if you're really done, you don't want that. But when you're sure you're sure, it won't happen.

As an idea, print out the last two posts of yours from this thread, and circle the things you wrote that are the negatives. You'll see quite a lot of them (showing your relationship was 'shaky' to say the least). Use those circles as your pathway to a better life. Remembering how there was too much pain to stay with her, too much turmoil. I wasn't there, but from what you wrote, it wasn't working with her. But: You're definitely working on making it better for yourself now. That's what's best. Grieving, healing, living. Peace.

[mitchell16]

BPDspell I didnt take it as pushing. You are right I dont wnat this person as my wife, I could never trust her to build a life or future with. I could never trust her to be there if I ever need her. I know this after 2 years of her never being there or bing able to depend on her. I mean just look at christmas, everything was fine, she left for work telling me how much she loved me. cmae home from work and was basically telling me I was worthless. Why? becasue she ahd a stressful day at work. and this was not the first time. Like I have said I have been recycled at least 4 tor 5 times. I do want this to end and I do relize that I could never have a future with this person. BUt with all this knowledge I still struggle with it all. The silence, the blaming, the fact that in teh apst just about the time I get ready to move on she comes back and I allow her to disrupt my whole life with her false promises. only for it to happned again. and I know that if she contacts me back and I take her back in it will only happen again about 6 to 8 weeks later. BUt with all this Im struggling and I just dont know why.

[OTH]

Relationship Recycling

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95860.0