Do they already know they might recycle you when they leave?

[bpdoe]

I was with my ex for 10 years. She was not diagnosed as BPD, but I became aware after the first year together that things seemed "off" with her. I did my best to make her happy aka codependent, I did it out of my love for her but it wasn't enough. I read the BPD stories after the fact, and it's like I wrote most of them myself.

She went to 3 therapy sessions after she left and told me that her therapist told her that she was suffering from PTSD from childhood trauma with her father. She quit counseling at this point. Oo

I don't think she was cheating during those ten years, but I do think she found someone at least emotionally over the last two months.

I have a long story and still struggle to heal(but getting a lot better... .  therapy), but let me ask my question.

When she left I said to her, "so this is it, we'll never be together again?" Her response was, "I don't know, but it won't be for a while." Oo I thought at first, this was just her way of giving me some kind of hope, as to not completely crush me. Now I wonder, could she already have thoughts that she might recycle me again someday? Can it all be so calculated?

Due to arrangements with our child, I still see/talk to her everyday. She's already gone through a few new "relationships". It's tough!

[hithere]

Now I wonder, could she already have thoughts that she might recycle me again someday? Can it all be so calculated?

BPD'ers are known for almost always trying to keep their ex-non on-the-side with a bit of hope in case they need something from them in the future.  My exBPD said stuff like that all the time after I left.  Don't give up on me, we might eventually find each other again, etc... .  I don't think this is a conscious action, they just do it automatically.

[OTH]

Part of them generally does not want to let go of you. This just screams dysfunctional though. Who does that? Who breaks up with somebody and tells them... .  well... .  maybe a bit from now we'll get back together?

After mine moved out we would get in arguments (we still dated for about another 3 months) and I'd just say I'm done, I don't want to do this anymore. She would just look at me and say I'm not done with you yet. It kind of creeped me out. I finally just hit the wall and went NC for the first time to end the madness.

[seeking balance]

I was with my ex for 10 years. She was not diagnosed as BPD, but I became aware after the first year together that things seemed "off" with her. I did my best to make her happy aka codependent, I did it out of my love for her but it wasn't enough. I read the BPD stories after the fact, and it's like I wrote most of them myself.

She went to 3 therapy sessions after she left and told me that her therapist told her that she was suffering from PTSD from childhood trauma with her father. She quit counseling at this point. Oo

I don't think she was cheating during those ten years, but I do think she found someone at least emotionally over the last two months.

I have a long story and still struggle to heal(but getting a lot better... .  therapy), but let me ask my question.

When she left I said to her, "so this is it, we'll never be together again?" Her response was, "I don't know, but it won't be for a while." Oo I thought at first, this was just her way of giving me some kind of hope, as to not completely crush me. Now I wonder, could she already have thoughts that she might recycle me again someday? Can it all be so calculated?

Due to arrangements with our child, I still see/talk to her everyday. She's already gone through a few new "relationships". It's tough!

yes, it is tough - sorry you are having to go through this.

It is an attachment disorder - so consciously, she doesn't think of it as recycling - in her mind you are a person that represents whatever emotion she may be trying to soothe at the time.  "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me"  this phrase and the book really sums it up.

The really hard part is deciding ourselves that we don't want the back/forth any longer.  No matter what she might do, you deciding you don't want that drama.  Parenting together offers a host of complex dynamics - do you have a therapist for you?

Peace,

SB

[Seb]

That's interesting - mine was the opposite. I was devastated when she dumped me - we were fine (or so I thought at the time).

Within the space of 12 hours I was the love of her life, to her being sick with worry that I was about to dump her over a phone argument, to her texting me saying "I love you in every possible way", to it's over, we're not right for each other, you drive me crazy. 12 hours of madness! *poof* she was gone in to thin air. I tried to reason with her, and text her the next day saying I still loved her, could we please work this out, it was madness. She replied, 'Sorry for the late reply, I've been in work and to be honest I wasn't expecting to hear from you'.

Thats the thing - she was all about the words, she really convinced me she was madly in love with me during our relationship, with all of the wonderful things she said to me.  Why on earth I was satisfied with just the words and not the actions to back it up I'll never know. I don't know if mine cheated - I would have said never in a million years when we were together, but who knows? I do know she had emotional affairs left, right and centre with every ex - she was not loyal to me as a partner should be. Anyway, that's when I knew she didn't love me the way she said she did, because how you can walk away so easily from someone you're madly in love with and want to marry and never look back is beyond me. It makes no sense - only in terms of the disorder.

When I saw her 10 days after she dumped me to get my stuff from her flat, I wanted to get back together, but she was adamant it was over. In fact, she said, "We're not ever going to get back together", and "I just can't imagine us being together", I was dumbfounded, we'd only been apart for 10 days! (Object constancy!).

That being said - when I finally stopped contacting her (about 2 weeks of pathetic grovelling) and went NC, she has wondered where I've gone. She has resorted to internet snooping and (probably her) anonymous text messages. pwBPD like knowing that they can have you if they want you - that you're always going to be available to them. That's why I think they leave often too, in that if they leave and we're pining after them, they're in control of the situation, and there's always an available supply. My silence is bringing out the crazy in my ex now... .  that's for sure.  She's left it too long tho... .  a few months ago I'd have been a great candidate for a recycle, totally desperate to get back together... .  not any more, I've read to much, taken that path of self-awakening and self-discovery.  I needed this sudden brutal dumping to wake me up and realise I should want more from life... .  Life is better than this... .   peace.

[bpdoe]

The contradicting statements were so prevalent after it was over, I can never truly know what was true or if/when it was true.

She told me she hadn't loved me in 6 years. We had at the time a 4 year old child through a planned pregnancy. She kissed me goodnight and told me she loved me the day before she left... .  then ka-boom.

We argued for sure, the rage dynamic was there. I tried every way I could think of to deal with these times, but nothing seemed to work. Towards the end when when I tried to talk about issues instead of engaging, she'd just say "poor [my name]" and "grow some balls" and "quit trying to turn everything around on me".

I was in counseling for 9 months; I'm not any longer.

I feel that I can now see things clearly for what they were, but I still have some wounds left to lick.

[jdcthunder14]

Mine mentioned wanting for me to be her bootee call after our breakup. This might have happened too had it not been for the fact that she got pregant weeks later (by my replacement.) That was her way of trying to keep me handy if she ever needed me.

[jdcthunder14]

She told me she hadn't loved me in 6 years. We had at the time a 4 year old child through a planned pregnancy. She kissed me goodnight and told me she loved me the day before she left... .  then ka-boom.

I wasn't with mine for that long but similar story. After we had broken up during my "trying to understand her phase" she told me that she "fell out of love with me" but during what would have been the  same time I would get "I love you's" 5 times a day.

Mine did a similar thing also, in the same 24 hour period there was "I love you" and "we are done." I have seen this stuff all over the boards here.

[seeking balance]

She told me she hadn't loved me in 6 years. We had at the time a 4 year old child through a planned pregnancy. She kissed me goodnight and told me she loved me the day before she left... .  then ka-boom.

I came home from a business trip to a card on the pillow "welcome home,  I love you".  The next night in marriage therapy; her wedding ring was off and she wasn't coming home.

Which was true?  Both 

This is the hard part to wrap our heads around.  What helped for me was to think of my ex as an emotional 2 year old - think about how fickle 2 year olds are... .  you take away their favorite toy and they pitch a fit, scream no and literally turn red with rage.  2 hours later, you cuddle them to sleep and nurture them and they will look at you with the most sincere eyes and say "I love you mommy".

BPD is similar... .  thus confusing.

We argued for sure, the rage dynamic was there. I tried every way I could think of to deal with these times, but nothing seemed to work. Towards the end when when I tried to talk about issues instead of engaging, she'd just say "poor [my name]" and "grow some balls" and "quit trying to turn everything around on me".

I heard these same things, ultimately they hurt because there was some truth to them - not all, but enough to where I doubted myself.

I was in counseling for 9 months; I'm not any longer.

I feel that I can now see things clearly for what they were, but I still have some wounds left to lick.

Glad you found these boards... .  understanding the facts of both BPD and dbt helped me depersonalize so I could grieve.  Overall, give yourself time for it to sink in - it is sad and confusing - but you will get better... .  different, but you won't feel lost and hurt forever.

[Lady31]

Seeking Balance,

"Which was true?  Both."

Eye opening... .  

[blurry]

The contradicting statements were so prevalent after it was over, I can never truly know what was true or if/when it was true.

She kissed me goodnight and told me she loved me the day before she left... .  then ka-boom.

We argued for sure, the rage dynamic was there. I tried every way I could think of to deal with these times, but nothing seemed to work. Towards the end when when I tried to talk about issues instead of engaging, she'd just say "poor [my name]" and "grow some balls" and "quit trying to turn everything around on me".

Edited out some of the specifics BPDoe, my r/s was only 8 months, but wow, almost scary seeing that dialog again. Once it was after i asked her as nicely as i could "what was up with all the hot/cold the last two weeks?", ofc i didnt know what BPD was then.

The other thing is, looking back at our last month together, it could go either way, her breaking up on the spot, or waking up and literally acting like nothing at all was said, no acknowledgment at all that anything happened the day before.

Also has me wondering what her ex of 4.5 years must be thinking, i had a fling with her during one of their earlier breakups in 08, then she contacted me out of the blue twice during subsequent breakups they had over the years, to which i didnt respond, and shes gone back to him once since our r/s started 8 months ago, i feel like im losing my mind and it just occured to me to wonder what in the world hes feeling.

Each time she came to me, she painted him black, in vague detail, and made me think they were done and it was meant to be for us to be together, fate, life just kept us apart and that she thought about me from day one and it should of been us together that whole time because i was the "love of her life".

Im reading my own writing and its really shocking now that im looking at it.

[SWLSR]

Yes at some time they usually do recycle.  Though most go through at least one relationship or even a marriage before they do.  Once you decide you dont want them back and move on with your life it starts though usually its coded and something they can deny if they want to. 

[TonyK]

Hi, there, BPDoe.

Good question.

My pBPDexgf, during a post break-up phone-call, actually told me ''... .  I don't know, I might look you up after 6 months, and you may be gone out of town by then... .  ''.

Guess what. We're counting month no. 7 now... .  

[Seb]

That's interesting - mine was the opposite. I was devastated when she dumped me - we were fine (or so I thought at the time).

Within the space of 12 hours I was the love of her life, to her being sick with worry that I was about to dump her over a phone argument, to her texting me saying "I love you in every possible way", to it's over, we're not right for each other, you drive me crazy. 12 hours of madness! *poof* she was gone in to thin air.

When I saw her 10 days after she dumped me to get my stuff from her flat, I wanted to get back together, but she was adamant it was over. In fact, she said, "We're not ever going to get back together", and "I just can't imagine us being together", I was dumbfounded, we'd only been apart for 10 days! (Object constancy!).

Quoting myself to say that actually she did tell me on the day she dumped me, and the day I went to collect my things (10 days later), "I know I'll probably want you back but it'll be too late... .  "  Funny that didn't come to me earlier - so many mixed messages with mine, no wonder I couldn't take it all in. Very interesting... .  

[must move on]

I was with my ex for 10 years. She was not diagnosed as BPD, but I became aware after the first year together that things seemed "off" with her. I did my best to make her happy aka codependent, I did it out of my love for her but it wasn't enough. I read the BPD stories after the fact, and it's like I wrote most of them myself.

She went to 3 therapy sessions after she left and told me that her therapist told her that she was suffering from PTSD from childhood trauma with her father. She quit counseling at this point. Oo

I don't think she was cheating during those ten years, but I do think she found someone at least emotionally over the last two months.

I have a long story and still struggle to heal(but getting a lot better... .  therapy), but let me ask my question.

When she left I said to her, "so this is it, we'll never be together again?" Her response was, "I don't know, but it won't be for a while." Oo I thought at first, this was just her way of giving me some kind of hope, as to not completely crush me. Now I wonder, could she already have thoughts that she might recycle me again someday? Can it all be so calculated?

Due to arrangements with our child, I still see/talk to her everyday. She's already gone through a few new "relationships". It's tough!

Sadly I think you may be right she is trying to keep a window open to you.



My ExBPD was so bad that when I became pregnant with my then partner I got messages holding me to ransom like wanting an explanation of my actions was to be submitted immediately... .  at this point my exBPD had been another relationship many years so was somewhat under control. (yet as was latered stated to me... .  but you see even though you were having his baby you were always mine... creepy)

Years on I get recycled when that relationship ended and why... .  because they window was open! At this time I knew nothing about BPD. My exBPD said everything to win me back from I thought of you every night b4 I slept in all those painful years apart. You and I have been together in every life... .  your the only person who has ever loved me truly... .  you are the only one who listens to me really. I know we can fix this, maybe give it a year was the latest one?    after this followed... .  on yes... .  I am meeting people but only for coffee, yet states to be in a relationship three days later after asking me to wait!

I hope this sheds some light on BPD well my experience at least.