Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
June 15, 2021, 04:30:15 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
81
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Question about abandonment vs. long distance relationships  (Read 637 times)
Waddams
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Living single, dating wonderful woman now
Posts: 1210



« on: January 07, 2013, 11:35:53 AM »

Background to question:

So... .  I got abandonment issues that started as a kid.  Won't go into the details.

It's exasperated because pretty much every relationship I've ever had w/ a woman has ended w/ me being rejected/abandoned.  A girl in college I cared about... .  she bolted.  My ex-wife, she withdrew from the marriage emotionally, then cheated, never re-engaged and we ended up divorcing.  My uBPDxgf, I have to admit I think she abandoned me (she ended it and painted me rather black in the process).  While I was relieved that it was over, there was still an issue deep down in me from all the black painting.  I recognize now what I felt was a kind of abandonment.

Latest SO.  Was thunderstruck from the moment I met her.  And remain so.  She recently relocated out of state on very short notice.  She got a call, it was take the job now or we find someone else because we can't wait.  Her sister got her job.  Her sister is a procurement officer for a large Federal Government agency and works w/ a gazillion private contractors.  She talked one the contractors into hiring SO.  

Now, there were lots of circumstances for SO that make so much sense for her to take this job.  Her old job here was low paying and retail hours.  She was trying to do online classes, and never had any quality time w/ her kids.  Her exH is a douche and is always behind on or just doesn't pay his child support.  This new job provides financial security, benefits, insurance for her kids, regular office hours and weekends off so quality time w/ her kids, and the place she was taking classes from is local to the new job, so she can finish her degree easier.

She's said she's regretted not finishing her degree prior.  It really eats at her.  Her XH basically talked/guilted her into dropping out and being a stay home mom.  Then the abuse got horrible, she had no job, no education, etc. and was trapped for a long time.  Now she says that since she's been away from him, she's been healing, but it's a journey for her.  She's got it in her head that if she can finish her degree, it will be kind of the finish line for her.  Open up a lot of doors for her job wise, and give her sense that she has accomplished something big, and overcome some garbage left over from her XH (he tore her down pretty bad over the years - basically she still has questions in her head over her worth).  She has said many times before she felt she wasn't worthy to be w/ me, and I've tried to reassure her I didn't think that, but obviously nothing changed her mind.  She says she really feels this opportunity will give her the chance to reach her goals on her own without being propped up by anyone else, and if she can do it, she'll feel like a complete, whole person again.  Then she says she'll feel like she could be the partner to me I deserve.

The big issue for me is I feel abandoned and discarded.  She says that's not the case.  There were circumstances where I was out of the country and not in contact when she accepted the job.  She got the call a few days before I was supposed to leave and didn't tell me.  Before the call we were talking about moving in together, marriage, etc. and starting those steps very soon, but I still knew she was scared because she felt she didn't bring enough to the table and was worried she'd end up being an unfair burden on me w/ her kids.  I felt it wasn't a burden, I loved all of them.  I still do.

Anyway, she accepted and left to go start the job before I got back.  Felt she had to or they would move on and hire someone else.  So, me thinking I was coming back to an SO and developing family, came back to everything w/ her just being gone w/ no warning, no discussions, etc.  The fallout has been and continues to be extremely hard.  She actually got the call 3 days before I left, but didn't tell me because she didn't want me to be stressed out on the trip.  I can't help feeling that she tossed aside a year and half and all the plans we'd been making in the moment it took to get a phone call.  I feel genuinely abandoned yet again, and this time it's worse than anything before.  I was around 240 lbs when I got back in the country and was able to check msgs.  I'm now 216 lbs a month later, and it's still dropping.  I needed to lose the weight, and that's great, but geez it's been rough.

She says she wants to continue the relationship with me, and then come back when she has her degree and better experience on her resume from this job.  It would be a minimum of a year and a half to finish her degree there, and in our talks, after sharing some things in a bit more raw way that we haven't before, she says she's considering coming back early too.  She .  I can't leave currently.  I have a 50/50 custody order for my son with my ex-wife and she's some kind of BPD (w/NPD traits)/Bipolar-ish mix and I just can't up and leave my son to move, and I can't get full custody right now to move either.  If I could pull up roots and move, I'd do it in a heartbeat.  I don't the area I live in anyway.  If it weren't for my son, I'd find a way out of the house I'm upside down on and bolt.

My gut is SO currently means it that she wants to continue things and eventually come back.  She says when she commits to something, she sticks with it, as evidenced by staying in the abusive marriage for 18 years because she was committed to her kids and overall family.  She's calling everyday.  Sometimes the calls are good, sometimes they go into circular mode and we just get stuck in a loop talking about current issues.  But she also came back to visit me the weekend before Christmas, and we were planning on a weekend get together at a City 1/2 way between us, but we've both had some financial set backs and I don't think it's gonna happen.

However, I have this fear that I know she'll do good at this job, she'll get her degree, and get more and more settled.  Then she won't be willing to uproot again and come back.  

And as I said, I've got this abandonment monster eating me up inside.  I had gotten so attached to her and her kids, and had emotionally taken that step that they were my family and it was going to happen now.  I feel like I had the rug pulled out from me, and given past experiences as well, it's just been agonizing.  I was with them all the time, and to so suddenly loose that daily connection with no warning, I just haven't been able to make progress on dealing w/ this.

So here's the question:

I'm already seeing T for this.  Reading stuff he gave me about abandonment and working on my issues.  How do I get to a point where I can beat this abandonment monster, both regarding the past and present circumstances, so I can still function in this relationship?  All I can say is she's genuine in wanting to continue things and come back.  I want to continue but this thing I'm dealing w/ is making it impossible.  How do you beat it?

Also, I'd thought before that she was ready for a next step with me, but I'm seeing she wasn't, but still not accepting it yet.

Do I need to tell her I need some kind of additional assurance from her over it too?  

Right now I'm taking a break from her.  Sent her a text yesterday morning that I need some space and wouldn't be contacting her for a few days.  Last few phone calls (she'd been calling every day) had ended up leaving us both in bad state.  :)ecided to step out of the drama circle for a few days.  Told her I'd check in w/ her on Wednesday.

I'm thinking before I can really function long distance w/ her, I need to get myself under control regarding this abandonment thing.  And I think I might need some extended limited-contact time w/ her.  Maybe 1 or 2 calls a week if that, and no visits, until I've got a better handle on myself.  Honestly, detach some and be less serious about things with her now.  :)oes that seem reasonable?

Logged

charred
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1206



« Reply #1 on: January 07, 2013, 01:23:03 PM »

Seeing a T is best thing to start on the abandonment issue.

Any long distance relationship is very hard to make work, I have had a few and none of them worked for very long, it was a giant pain to get actual time with the person, they were meeting new people and most didn't want to have a long distance relationship unless it was an affair, or the person was BPD... .  as the r/s that has me on this board has been a long distance relationship the last 3 yrs.

Improve yourself and your situation and your options get better and better. Doubt there are easy answers.
Logged
Waddams
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Living single, dating wonderful woman now
Posts: 1210



« Reply #2 on: January 07, 2013, 02:02:13 PM »

Excerpt
Seeing a T is best thing to start on the abandonment issue.

Any long distance relationship is very hard to make work, I have had a few and none of them worked for very long, it was a giant pain to get actual time with the person, they were meeting new people and most didn't want to have a long distance relationship unless it was an affair, or the person was BPD... .  as the r/s that has me on this board has been a long distance relationship the last 3 yrs.

Improve yourself and your situation and your options get better and better. Doubt there are easy answers.

I get you.  I just have this need to try it out.  It's 500 miles distance, but there are several cities with lots to do 1/2 way between us.  She says she willing to make it a point to do a visit once a month, regular phone calls, or Skyping, etc.  I'm also looking at getting a few credit cards that have the initial big chunks of bonus miles to help with flying down occasionally.  Some of them also give double and trip reward miles for certain things you spend on.  If I use it to spend all my money, and then just pay it off each month, I'd rack up miles quick.

And I do think I'll need to detach some to make it work.  Go see her, have fun, but she's no longer a priority in life.  I like the idea of flying down to see her on air miles I can rack up because I don't like the area I'm in much... .  would be nice to have a plan to get out of dodge occasionally.
Logged

charred
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1206



« Reply #3 on: January 07, 2013, 02:12:07 PM »

My long distance r/s were about 230 miles... so with a break maybe 4 hrs driving (open roads)... and it was possible to do it. Issues were things like noticing it was me making the long trips each time, being asked to be at special events that took 8 hrs of travel and some money to attend an hour long thing... .  that kind of stuff. I kept it up for a good part of 3 yrs, and it was wearing on me. Planned on moving, but have a daughter where I live and I didn't want to be many hours from my daughter and be traveling every other week for visitation... .  then my pwBPD started getting really flaky and difficult and ultimately I dumped her... .  but the attachment was so strong I still am dealing with it.

If either of you are not well grounded it will be tough, jealously and distrust can bloom when so much of the time the person is far away.

Good luck.
Logged
Waddams
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Living single, dating wonderful woman now
Posts: 1210



« Reply #4 on: January 07, 2013, 02:24:51 PM »

Thanks.    Smiling (click to insert in post)
Logged

seeking balance
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 7147



« Reply #5 on: January 07, 2013, 02:50:11 PM »

To beat abandonment... .  I had to learn to be alone... .  be OK with myself ... .  grieve my childhood issues without the safety of a partner... .  actively choose to be alone and ok with it.

How much time between your marriage and this new relationship did you give yourself to really and truly learn to be ok being alone?

Not judging, heck - I didn't do it until this time around ... .  I finally  have that "not good enough" feeling gone - I truly believe that I am ok just as I am and that I am worth loving.  I can depersonalize insensative actions of others now - not sure I would have gotten to this w/o therapy while not in a relationship honestly.

This other woman - it hurts that she did what she did... .  I challenge you though - she did what was best for her and her children.  She didn't string you along, she was as honest as she could be - you have a gift of working on your own issues and letting her become the partner she wants to become - who knows what the future could hold.

Waddams - her actions were not about you ... .  she did what was best for herself and her family; unfortunately, you are feeling a very deep hurt that is much deeper than this one action - work on it in therapy and grieve - you are worth it!
Logged

Faith does not grow in the house of certainty - The Shack
charred
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1206



« Reply #6 on: January 07, 2013, 03:13:32 PM »

I agree... I have some issues, not sure it is abandonment exactly, my family moved when I was 4, lost all my friends, started over, lived in small town, new everyone, was pretty happy, moved again, started over but in 6th grade... was picked on a lot, eventually fit in and had friends  (less than before)... then moved again 1/2 way through HS, graduated and lost friends as none went to same college, got friends, graduated... .  and started over again... fell in to work as consultant where I come in meet people, do stuff and then leave, usually never seeing most the people again... .  now I have few close friends.

I was married and traveling all the time, and my exwife maintained social calendar/plans for us, so we had things going on all the time, her friends, even some that were sort of mutual, doing stuff. Then I went back with pwBPD and got the divorce and the pwBPD was almost smothering with controlling my time and social life. However when I finally got free of the pwBPD, and was not back with the exwife... .  it was me, and quiet. Very quiet, and I found myself hanging out with relatives, doing anything rather than being alone at home. Its been 3 yrs since the divorce and about a yr since the r/s with the pwBPD, and in the last few months I have finally gotten comfortable and even a little happy being alone. As part of the divorce I was required to take a class and it stressed that you should take time to reorient, and learn to be comfortable in your own skin. To avoid seeking out a new r/s, but rather rediscover the things you like doing and do them, to get in to your own happy life as a single person and fill up time with friends, family and fun, and then when you meet someone and it progresses to being a r/s, it is more likely to work than if you jump in to a rebound one.

So, I have done a bit of each of the things you could do, was talking with exwife, but she isn't real sure she wants to be back together, we make better friends than spouses. Tried and failed recycling with the pwBPD about 7 times now... she won't change, and I don't want to try to carry her issues and the r/s. Dated some people early on while head was scrambled and it didn't work, people notice when your mind isn't present. And I have been doing what I liked, accepting being alone, seeing a T, and getting better, and other than a few weak moments, it has been refreshing. I felt like the r/s with a BPD gal beat me up in many ways, and now I feel like I am healing finally and doing the right things.

I don't have true abandonment issues ... .  I don't think anyway, but have had my world turned upside down by the loss of my pwBPD, and by loss of all friends and social life many times over the years... think learning to be yourself and be comfortable in your own skin is an excellent starting place. Certainly isn't a bad thing to work on. Being comfortable and less clingy, will make you more attractive to most people.
Logged
Waddams
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Living single, dating wonderful woman now
Posts: 1210



« Reply #7 on: January 07, 2013, 03:50:19 PM »

Excerpt
This other woman - it hurts that she did what she did... .  I challenge you though - she did what was best for her and her children.  She didn't string you along, she was as honest as she could be - you have a gift of working on your own issues and letting her become the partner she wants to become - who knows what the future could hold.

Waddams - her actions were not about you ... .  she did what was best for herself and her family; unfortunately, you are feeling a very deep hurt that is much deeper than this one action - work on it in therapy and grieve - you are worth it!

I really do see that.  What really gets me is that prior to the job offer, she had told me that she was going to take the next step with me.  We were planning it.  I'd allowed my own heart to "go there" in terms of being family with her, step dad to her kids, etc.  It was the sudden no doing it now w/ no discussion or warning that got me all twisted up.

I'm actually proud of her for taking the initiative to be her own person, and try to build herself into someone that doesn't need to be taken care of.  Someone that could take care of me if I got laid off or something in the future.  I've always respected that she wanted to be able to bring as much to the table as I do and was trying so hard to not be a burden to me.  

It's just a confusing situation.

As for timeline... .  

2007... .  marriage goes in the crapper.  filed for divorce in jan. 2008.  exwife moved out.  i stayed in house.  didn't date while separated.  got into a bunch of meetup clubs and outdoor clubs.  did my own thing 1/2 time, then did dad thing 1/2 time when i had my son.  when i had my son i also did single parents and single dad's clubs for kid activities.  this lasted for 18 months.  took that long to complete divorce.  i believe it was 2009.

met xBPDgf in '09 about a month and a half after divorce was final.  after the long divorce, doing my own thing, etc. i felt fine on my own.  really did.  got involved w/ xBPDgf.  that lasted 2 years, but to be honest i really only felt like i was in a relationshp the first year.  there was an incident where she attacked me, then in the ensuing chaos i ended up charged w/ battery (thank you GA cops).  exwife also filed a 2nd custody case against me at the same time.  xBPDgf then used the battery case and exwife's 2nd case as blackmail for a year until that was all adjucated and done.  I went and did my own thing during that year except when i was home and except as i had to otherwise make exceptions so xBPDgf would not cause more problems.  Got the battery case dropped, won 2nd custody case.  xBPDgf had her final meltdown right after, and I threw her out.  

At that time, I was so relieve to be rid of her, again, I was golden on my own.  Reconnected w/ some old friends immediately, found out they knew something off was happening but not details, etc.  Was great.  I felt awesome on my own, happy with myself.

Met current SO about 2 months after I threw out xBPDgf.  Was upfront w/ her that I'd recently gotten out of it.  Even ended up telling her early on about the battery thing, exwife issues.  She was interested, and i wanted to make sure she knew all that upfront and there weren't any surprises.

So about 2 weeks later we had a first date.  At first, it was very casual, and slow developing.  No physical intimacy.  Just enjoying each other's company.  Maybe one date per 2 weeks, and then seeing each other for lunch sometimes.  Maybe 3 months into it we got intimate.  There were no boundary issues, we both were respecting that we were both single parents, respected every boundary there was.  And she made a lot of effort.  And that continued to right up until I got the msg that she had already moved to out of state. As time went on though, there were times she'd clam up (abuse issues and PTSD) and I didn't get it at the time.  The combination led to issues.  And SO's job and time with kids, trying to do online school... .  the pressure turned into a cooker for her.  Combined w/ issues we were trying to work out, and then she got the call.  She had tried for a year to find a better job her, and w/ no degree and only retail experience, she just couldn't get one.

She says she had realized she still had issues to resolve for herself before she was ready to be my partner.  I guess I loved her, still do, and had just accepted her for who she was, warts and all by then.  She got the call, said she saw the chance to get herself into a professional position, take care of finances, not be a burden to anyone, and give her the stable base and resources she needs for her degree, and also to finally get into T for her abuse issues because she's never had the resources to do it before.

I felt fine thru all this as my own person until probably August.  I saw how hard things were getting for her, knew i wanted her, so got enmeshed I guess trying to help.  I mean, where's the balance between getting enmeshed and codependent again with seeing someone you love in a true moment of need and trying to step in be available to help when they need you to be there for them?  I'd hoped we'd be able to take the next step, w/ her still working and w/ me, we'd have been fine, she'd have even been able to cut her hours back, get more financial aid, and just concentrate on finishing her degree.  I think it would have worked.  We were talking about our issues and working things out, and had contacted a couples counselor to set up an appointment.  I had to cancel it because she had left.

I know I'm dealing w/ withdrawal from the enmeshment.  So I'm thinking this gym I joined, getting into the classes (I like exercise classes much better than machines on my own, have always done martial arts before), and again am booking up time w/ the outdoor clubs again now that I have a lot of spare time, and booking up time w/ people for meets for drinks, etc.  I connecting more w/ other people and other things.  Not waiting and sitting at home all the time whimpering.

We had a VERY good sex life.  That being unavailable is driving me nuts.  It wasn't just physical.  It was very emotionally bonding.

The worst though right now is going home at night.  Gotta go home and sleep sometime, and I hate that my house is that quiet and empty.  We weren't living together, but she was still there w/ her kids alot, and I was at her place a lot too.  I got used to having everyone around, and am having a terrible time adjusting to them not being around anymore.

Anyway, sorry for the book.  Part of these posts is really just for me to vent out all this.  Helps to handle it if I can write it out somehow.
Logged

charred
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1206



« Reply #8 on: January 07, 2013, 04:12:16 PM »

The lack of sex and bonding is hard, the quiet house at first is horrible... .  ( I used to turn on a tv and a radio whenever I was at home to have different, non distinct sounds in the house, worse of all I was working from home for quite a while, so couldn't just go do something.) Think my divorce class told me to turn on TV/radio... someone did anyway, and it helped. Accepting that I may never be with my exBPDgf again is tough... .  as it means if I want to have sex and bonding in an r/s I have to do something to get in an r/s and that requires effort.

Join the gym, actually use it (closer to you it is the better, get a workout buddy if possible.) Get yourself fixed up, nice clothes, nice hair, better you feel about yourself, the better things go in general.
Logged
Waddams
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Living single, dating wonderful woman now
Posts: 1210



« Reply #9 on: January 07, 2013, 04:40:43 PM »

this is just a silly stupid thing... .  but my car is in the shop.  was supposed to be done saturday, but they got overloaded, and it's still not done.  i'm scrounging rides, it's my kid week, but my exwife has him because i can't get him to school until i get car back.

there's no family around here for me.  in the past current SO would be willing to help with transportation when i needed help.  this is just piling on w/ the whole being totally alone thing again w/ again so suddenly not having support. 
Logged

ambi
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 429



« Reply #10 on: January 07, 2013, 09:34:37 PM »



Excerpt
Right now I'm taking a break from her.  Sent her a text yesterday morning that I need some space and wouldn't be contacting her for a few days.  Last few phone calls (she'd been calling every day) had ended up leaving us both in bad state.  Decided to step out of the drama circle for a few days.  Told her I'd check in w/ her on Wednesday.

I'm thinking before I can really function long distance w/ her, I need to get myself under control regarding this abandonment thing.  And I think I might need some extended limited-contact time w/ her.  Maybe 1 or 2 calls a week if that, and no visits, until I've got a better handle on myself.  Honestly, detach some and be less serious about things with her now.  Does that seem reasonable?

If you have abandonment issues, this feels like you're making sure you get abandoned.  Your gf has been pretty straight forward about taking the job and why she needed to for herself.  She calls daily and is trying to think of ways that you two can still connect despite the long distance. 

I understand this hurts - missing the physical aspects, the holding and bonding.  I totally get that part.  And, I'm not trying to minimize it.  I'm a little confused, though.  You said you were thunderstruck by this woman from the first moment and still are.  Is it worth trying?

I'm really sorry for the bluntness of the post.  I just can't seem to figure out a way to say that gently. 

Logged
seeking balance
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 7147



« Reply #11 on: January 07, 2013, 09:40:32 PM »

The worst though right now is going home at night.  Gotta go home and sleep sometime, and I hate that my house is that quiet and empty.  We weren't living together, but she was still there w/ her kids alot, and I was at her place a lot too.  I got used to having everyone around, and am having a terrible time adjusting to them not being around anymore.

Anyway, sorry for the book.  Part of these posts is really just for me to vent out all this.  Helps to handle it if I can write it out somehow.

This would  be a hard change for anyone - honestly.

Ambi makes a great point - she is doing her part, how can you work within your own abandonment feelings and not sabotage something you say you want?
Logged

Faith does not grow in the house of certainty - The Shack
Waddams
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Living single, dating wonderful woman now
Posts: 1210



« Reply #12 on: January 08, 2013, 07:24:28 AM »

Excerpt
If you have abandonment issues, this feels like you're making sure you get abandoned.  Your gf has been pretty straight forward about taking the job and why she needed to for herself.  She calls daily and is trying to think of ways that you two can still connect despite the long distance.  

I understand this hurts - missing the physical aspects, the holding and bonding.  I totally get that part.  And, I'm not trying to minimize it.  I'm a little confused, though.  You said you were thunderstruck by this woman from the first moment and still are.  Is it worth trying?

I'm really sorry for the bluntness of the post.  I just can't seem to figure out a way to say that gently.

First - no problem w/ the bluntness.  You aren't saying anything I'm not already thinking.   Smiling (click to insert in post)

Second - She's been straight forward since AFTER she left.  There was no prior discussion or even warning.  She was just gone all the sudden.  I deserved a chance to be told and to buy in to this prior to it happening.  And if she was going no matter what, I deserved the chance to walk too.  Now, she's owned up to doing that wrong and been straight forward since.  I'm trying real hard to let it go and I don't bring it up w/ her when we talk.

Third - I stepped out for a few days because the phone calls where getting non-productive and even harmful to us both.  One issue I have is I feel like she's telling me things are the exact same between us, she's just farther away.  And getting upset that I'm just not handling this in her perfect, ideal way.  She's making herself her first priority, which is fine, but she's seems to expect that I make her my first priority too.  The way she wants us to prioritize the relationship is not equal.  She wants to keep it on her backburner while I still keep it my priority.  I feel like I'm now the back up plan, but I still have to make her the priority.  That is really bothering me.  So I'm taking a few days to step out of the drama of this particular issue and let myself settle down.

Excerpt
I'm a little confused, though.  You said you were thunderstruck by this woman from the first moment and still are.  Is it worth trying?

Oh I'm confused too! And yeah, that thunderstruck feeling has not abated at all.  I do think it's worth trying.  I go through periods of doubt though.  It's fears of what if we go through this, and then when she's got her degree she's not willing to come back?  What if she comes back, then bolts again one day suddenly?  What if we're married and she bolts again?  

I have an 8 year old son that has already been hurt by this.  He misses them.  I can't let him get hurt again.  

And honestly, if she's determined to do this no matter what the impact is to me, or even her own kids (she uprooted them from their lives here in the blink of an eye... .  they were calling me their future stepdad unprompted and reacting to me w/ real love), then what's that say about the potential future w/ her?

It's confusing because my logical thinking and emotions are in big conflict w/ each other.  It just hit me that we were just going in circles and it was going to work out bad for us both at that moment if it didn't stop.  So I asked her for a few days "alone time".  I did tell her that if she needed to talk, she could call still.  I don't want to be totally unavailable.  But I also needed to step away and let these emotions settle down.  

The quiet time has been good for me.  I think yesterday was the best I've felt since it all started.  I don't think I'll explain it to her this way, but I feel like if I'm going to try this with her, I need to not be as attached.  I need to be able to call her a 1 or 2 times a week, see how it's going.  :)o a monthly visit, or meet 1/2 way between us, etc.  But also be able to detach and not miss her so bad.  I read yesterday that it can take 3 to 4 months for the person left behind when one moves away to adjust to things being long distance.  The mover has a new life, exciting stuff to discover, etc.  The one that stays has a hole in their lives to fill and it takes time.  So I think I'm going to try to keep things going, but also dial myself back a bit in it, and mainly concentrate on adjusting and filling the time I used to spend w/ her and her kids with other things.  Then re-evaluate and see how it's going for me in a few months.
Logged

P.F.Change
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Bisexual
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 3399



« Reply #13 on: January 08, 2013, 06:47:27 PM »

I think if she was serious about marrying you, she would have at least discussed this with you beforehand. Partners don't make unilateral decisions.

I would be feeling angry and hurt in your shoes, too. It is no surprise this has opened up old wounds. It sounds like she has some issues of her own. I think the couples counseling you had lined up would have been helpful to try.

When you told her how her actions hurt you, what was her response? From what you are saying, it sounds like she is offended that you have feelings and thoughts of your own.  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) Are you getting that impression?

Wishing you peace,

PF

Logged

“If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.”--Lao Tzu
ambi
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 429



« Reply #14 on: January 08, 2013, 07:43:51 PM »

Excerpt
Second - She's been straight forward since AFTER she left.  There was no prior discussion or even warning.  She was just gone all the sudden.  I deserved a chance to be told and to buy in to this prior to it happening.  And if she was going no matter what, I deserved the chance to walk too.  Now, she's owned up to doing that wrong and been straight forward since.  I'm trying real hard to let it go and I don't bring it up w/ her when we talk.

This sounds more like a  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) than a  PD traits

You said that you knew you had abandonment issues and you're working on that with your T.  But, sometimes, what if ... .  what if even if we have a particular issue, we work so hard on that issue, that we overlook the reality that we might just have a valid concern? 

I'm projecting a bit.  When I reflect on how I got started with BPDH, I was aware that I was emotionally avoidant and afraid of getting hurt again.  When he said ILY just a few weeks into the r/s, I was freaked out.  It was a  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) , but I was sure it had something to do with my avoidance.  So, I glued my feet to the floor, determined to work through my stuff.  A lot of the times I wanted to take flight, I held myself there to prove to myself that I wasn't going to keep running away from love and risk getting hurt.  But, I was ignoring my common sense because I was so focused on monitoring my maladaptive defense mechanism.

Maybe T can help sort that out. 

I'm sorry you're hurting.
Logged
Waddams
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Living single, dating wonderful woman now
Posts: 1210



« Reply #15 on: January 09, 2013, 07:53:17 AM »

Excerpt
I think if she was serious about marrying you, she would have at least discussed this with you beforehand. Partners don't make unilateral decisions.

Agree.

Excerpt
This sounds more like a  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  than a  PD traits  .

Agree again.

Excerpt
You said that you knew you had abandonment issues and you're working on that with your T.  But, sometimes, what if ... .  what if even if we have a particular issue, we work so hard on that issue, that we overlook the reality that we might just have a valid concern? 

I've had this thought too.  I know I'm not perfect and there are things I could have done better had I understood her better.  But she is STILL breaking out the "I never told you this but... .  " which means she kept herself closed off and never gave me the chance to understand her better.  At the same time, I also know that this massive shift in her behavior all the sudden is a major  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) as well.

Still feel confused.  I've had some financial issues crop (car and have to pay off an old account in full to make a refi go thru that will be a big help in the long run for me), so I'm not going for a visit w/ her anytime soon regardless.  Best I can think of is to switch my brain to "live in the moment" currently until my head clears.
Logged

livednlearned
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced January 2012
Posts: 11759



« Reply #16 on: January 09, 2013, 04:23:48 PM »

If you have abandonment issues, this feels like you're making sure you get abandoned. 

That's kinda my take too. I read most of your post, and the replies. I admit I didn't read all of what you wrote because it sounds like you might be talking around and around and around. I hope this doesn't come across as hurtful. I have benefited so much when people have been honest with me, and this is L6, and the place for straight up feedback.

I dated a man who had serious abandonment issues. I grew up with lots of physical abuse, and married N/BPDxh, who was verbally, emotionally, and psychologically abusive. I hesitate to say physically abusive, because he didn't pummel me, but he did throw things, shove me, lock me out of the house, throw my dog at me, use his physical size to intimidate me and block me from moving. I identify somewhat with the way your describe your SO. I understand her urge to flee, and to pull away, to feel afraid of intimacy. And to justify that urge with plausible excuses.

I think she felt relief to have the excuse to move to another city. She gets to dodge true intimacy, but still keep you on the hook so she isn't completely alone. She is probably a good person, means what she says, and cares about you. She probably loves you but that love might feel terrifying. She may even believe that she moved away for the reasons she gave.

I had a long-distance r/s and there is no question in my mind that unless you have a clear plan (Waddams and SO will return to Big City when Degree is finished) and have something other than hope and a calendar holding you together, you'll be experiencing this abandonment stuff big time. I devastated a man with abandonment issues in a similar situation. During one of our scheduled visits (he was living one state over), I found out he was reading my email (he was never convinced I was faithful). I think he did what he did to sabotage the r/s, and I was glad he did it. That's the dark shadow stuff you learn in T. It gave me a holier than thou and well-justified reason for ending the long-distance r/s, because I couldn't do it without something like that to help me end it.

True intimacy is really hard for abuse survivors. Long-distance is a way to deal with the longing for a real r/s without the tremendous discomfort.
Logged

Breathe.
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2021 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
Andi1956
Anondad
Cnvi
doghouse
drained1996
EyesUp
Harri
JD2028
lovenature
Mac5
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
old97
P.F.Change
Skip
snowglobe
Swimmy55
Teno
Turkish
wendydarling

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!