Can't get over her sexiness

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

This might be a bit of a twist.  My BPD is overwieght ( a lot).  I am not.  He said I was the sexiest most beautiful woman he has ever been with.  Sometimes he would close his eyes while he was talking to me and he said it was because he had never been so attracted to someone.  He also said with regards to our sexual activities, that no one had ever taken him so far, so fast and so well.  I thought he was a poor sexual partner.  Hmm?

[mssomebodynice]

This might be a bit of a twist.  My BPD is overwieght ( a lot).  I am not.  He said I was the sexiest most beautiful woman he has ever been with.  Sometimes he would close his eyes while he was talking to me and he said it was because he had never been so attracted to someone.  He also said with regards to our sexual activities, that no one had ever taken him so far, so fast and so well.  I thought he was a poor sexual partner.  Hmm?

[FoolishOne]

mssomebody... .  it's altogether possible that this is a "guy" thing. Men tend to love with their eyes. From what I can tell, the concensus indicates that a vast majority of BPD women are very attractive. To some degree, that makes sense to me... .  especially if you tack on some form of sexual abuse and/or "daddy issues" early in life. My "Looney" had both.

[truly amazed]

Hi,

Just wanted to add something. For me yes my partner was pretty but not stunning. She was ultra fit and had lots of plus points.

It wasn't the beauty itself that got me in. She in the initial phases was interested in me and everything about me. From books I read to interests and once she had learnt them is when things changed even more. it was intoxicating this smart beautiful woman so interested in me. It was however like a new toy and this is not being bitter she learnt who I was what made me tick and then it changed, or being honest I was intoxicated with this adulation from an early stage. The sex was just a part of it.

For me it was a missing chink in my personality. Having and now knowing with a label what my BPD mother is and was, I just thought she was difficult or ultra critical and abusive ... .  not BPD. I had a partner who in the honeymoon phase who was the total and complete opposite most of the time. i ignores the explosive rages early on and until the end, thinking or actually wanting to think they would get better with love and stability. Nope.

Anyhow back to sex ... .  having someone praise you for me in very short was something I had not had all my life. I had an ultra critical mother to the point of destructive. For me it was a hole in me ! I let this abusive relationship go on too long and at age 83 she is still doing it and no hope for change. She is mild in the BPD range but just as destructive ... .  

Sex side ... .  one part being in the FOG one part very much Stockholm syndrome and the last ingredient I think at times common is the trained dog. In this I mean the Pavlovian Dog trained when the bell rang it would be fed so it started salivating. For me it was after being abused it went for sometimes only an hour back to the honeymoon phase ... .  but the Pavlovian dog knew but wasn't aware he got a treat for being abused ... .  sex.

Yes sound sick but in the push pull, FOG, abuse, PTSD  and all the rest. This is and was a reality for me. Was I addicted ? Or just hanging out for some of the pain to stop is somewhat besides the point. I think possibly for some others if you were doing it ... .  it was stopping the abuse.

Anyhow either way I look at it as some weird form of torture. I remember walking down the street with the ex and thinking this why I was putting up with it after she had said something totally awful. I even was asking myself at times after the initial phase what she really liked about me if anything. After studying me for about 6 months and learning my ins and outs, the toy had lost its shine to some extent. Some things I allowed to happen and just should have walked. Her view when she wanted something or me to do something at times was worse than any abuse I have heard. And she loved me ?

But on the beauty and sex side, I very much look at it as something for what it was well out of things. It was a tool for her, something she enjoyed as well ... .  and honestly I could have been any man or even object for her vs the person I am. But in the end I was a trained Dog and a reason why the recycles kept happening when someone like this is throwing themselves at you to make up ... .  hard to say no ... .  until thankfully I did.

Sorry for the ramble ... .  but beauty vs sex vs Pavlovian dog

At least for me

take care   

[kauaikami]

So, let this lady add a twist to this thread.

My exBPD has accused me of all the things that someone like Looney has done.  And, of course, I haven't.

I had spent 2 and half years trying to Defend myself against all those outrageous accusations.

At the same time... .  I really don't believe it was projection.

He MAY have cheated once or twice in the beginning... .  but his paranoia about disease makes me wonder if he really would be so casual.  And once things came very sensual with us with experiences he never had before... .  he was the one who was "hooked".  He wouldn't leave my side.  I can account for almost every minute where he was since being with me.  He LITERALLY did not let me out of his sight.  And when he had to cuz I had to work, it was constant calls, texts, coming over. He almost killed my spirit for lack of me having any time alone for self.

And the only reason he went for me to begin with was that he knew I had been celibate for a very long time (almost a decade!) before he ran into me.  That was his attraction.  I was "like a virgin" at 48!  I was clean and with his OCD issues about germs etc... .  I was perfect.

Sexually... .  yeah... .  it was incredible, I mean hell, with his hypersexuality, we had LOTS of practice at how to best please each other and I recycled back soo many times just to have that "one more time".

But then... .  there were many times, it was almost Rape.  It was twisted.  I learned to sometimes have to go to

"my private beach"... .  visualizing blue waters and white sand, just to escape what was happening.

SICK.

And now... .  after everything else... .  I have finally gotten "over" the sex (well, honestly, I still kinda pine about it... .  but, I just know I CANNOT and having had more than one exceptionally good lover... .  I know that good loving... .  it comes around in life more often than we expect)

But He still hasn't gotten "over the sex".

There was no one "lined up" for either of us... .  I was the one to "break up" and he is the one who "can't understand why I would throw this away".  He is PISSED that he's gonna have to find someone else.  Since I have been trying No Contact... .  he has come over uninvited to my workplace, my home and is always begging, rubbing on me and crying for release.

And when I stick to my guns and ":)ENY" him... .  he get's furious.  At first, I would give in cuz I was afraid of him coming violent... .  but thankfully, lately, I have either been able to trick him and actually have to lock him out of wherever I am, threaten to call police or my kids have been around.

For the past half a year? he sits there in his home and seethes and spits insults and accusations thru voicemails, texts and emails because I have "cruelly make him suffer, running him dry".  I'm the heartless, cold bi***, cu**, wh*** and the only reason I am not sexing with him, according to him, is because I am screwing the rest of the island, all his friends, he can "hear me screaming."

I know I am not unattractive to other DECENT men.  I had "closed my eyes and threw off the leave me alone vibe" while with him... .  all in an effort to Prove my loyalty to him as he continually accused me of infidelities.

Frankly, even still, I have no desire to have sex with anyone but him... .  tho I am learning to let that go.

It can never happen again. 

I have tried to explain, again and again... .  that it's his disrespect for me that I am having to leave---not that I have others lined up, which is what he thinks.  I had begged for respect, for the opportunity to defend my integrity and honor (he says he "hears" about all my infidelities, but after a year, admitted that he only "hears the neighbors"... .  the voices in the wind, which is why he would never give me a name to any one person who was "saying these horrible things" about me so that I could go defend myself, since he wouldn't)  How he could believe "the voices" versus a live being that he supposedly loved... .  I have no clue except it's mental illness.

It's insanity.

And what's even more insane... .  if I could... .  I'd lay down with him again---if only we could without his madness.

So then... .  all this makes me wonder, like others here have wondered... .  am I the crazy one?

No.  I'm not.  I don't lie, I don't gaslight, I deal with reality, I don't blame everything on everyone, I listen, have empathy and don't continually disregard, minimize or dismiss other's feelings, thoughts or opinions.

But did I "pick up" something twisted?

[Dranrab]

Thanks for all the responses. I am seeing a T, and it is helping a great deal. The destruction to my self confidence this relationship caused in unbelievable.

I got an email from my replacement, telling me how great their sex is, and how I could never turn her on, etc, etc. it was meant to hurt me I know. I also know he is strung out on heroin, so I don't know the point of his email other than to hurt me and maybe try and build himself up. I replied that she will be pushing you away soon as she did with me, and it will be hell, and 'have fun'... .  but it still hurt, and that's the stuff I need to work on for myself. Why would I let an email from a junkie bother me?

The hell of the violent rages, screaming, blaming for EVERYTHING, constant complaining of every ailment under the sun, on and on, I never will let myself go thru again. I will see red flags, when they are pink!

She knows she has BPD, uses it as an excuse for her behavior, but is so textbook, it's not even funny. Plus she is a chronic binge alcoholic, so the combo is deadly.

The mess they leave us as, is mind boggling. If I knew then what I do know, I'd have run like hell when I met her.

The divorce was nasty, but she had gotten herself in so many predicaments, arrests, dui's, etc, that luckily she didn't have a chance to hurt me financially. Plus I had a prenup, thank God!

And as for the sex, yes, in the beginning, when she was trying to 'hook' me, it was wild. It was incredible, but at the same time, I even knew back then that there was something too good to be true abou it. And sure enough I was right, cause it started drying up right after we got married.

This I do know, and as my T, who I met thru her, so he knows ALL about her says, she will do this to everyone else she ends up with. She wears a mask, and that is all it is. I used to say to her, if she spent as much time on her insides as she did on her outsides (hours getting ready, hair, makeup, etc) she'd be healthy... .  

The more time goes on, I am more and more grateful that I got out of it when I did. Only lost 3 years, could've been a lot more, but once she knew I had her number, she lined up the first replacement she could find. And now she's with an addict, who has numerous arrest warrants out for him, and they can't even afford phones. She thru away someone who truly loved her. I spent thousands on different treatment facilities on her, was always supportive of her getting the help she herself said she needed, but she just couldn't do it. And that is sad, because she will just keep repeating her pattern in life. While I am grateful I have the chance to learn from this, and never let myself be used like that again.

[livednlearned]

So it sounds like you won't let her recycle you, but what about your original post? It sounded like you have no hope of finding someone who can make you feel that way again.

One of the things I have fought throughout my healing is the whole idea that nons have an equally hard time being emotionally available as their pwBPD.

Is that something you might be struggling with?

[FoolishOne]

Hey Livednlearned... .  I think initially that may be something that we all struggle / struggled with.  I know that has been one of the bungee cords that's kept me hanging thus far.  The hope of finding someone that can make me feel the positives seem bleak at times... .  the hope of finding someone that can make me feel the negatives seem highly likely.

The healing has to come before the peceptions can change.

F1

[livednlearned]

The hope of finding someone that can make me feel the positives seem bleak at times... .  the hope of finding someone that can make me feel the negatives seem highly likely.

The healing has to come before the peceptions can change.

F1, that was my fear too. I'm not totally over that fear, but so far things are looking promising. I started dating again after 2 years of healing from N/BPDxh. I'm 2 months into a new r/s and sex is great, except I keep noticing baggage in my head that is leftover from N/BPDx.

So I'm having 10/10 sex with this new guy, except I dated a guy before N/BPDx who was a 12/10. Sorry to make it sound so quantitative  

I've been trying to figure out how to make 12/10 happen again with this new guy who seems totally into having 12/10 sex, except I have this junk in my head from N/BPDxh (the more open I was about what I liked and the more I enjoyed sex, the more he would get jealous and accuse me of being a wh@r#).

N/BPDxh never got the memo that pwBPD are supposed to be amazing in bed. I totally fell into this thread out of sheer curiosity.

New guy is super attentive and very passionate, one of the best lovers I've had, but I can't communicate to him about what I like and want because I feel inhibited by things N/BPDx used to do and say, and I'm having a hard time telling the new guy what's happening because I'm worried it will make it worse.

It's like all the healing I've done, intense therapy, volumes of reading, personal inventory, putting the pieces back together again -- all of that is getting truly tested through physical intimacy. The one thing that's keeping me going is knowing that I once had mind-blowing sex with someone before N/BPDxh.

So I'm different than others here who are posting about fantastic BPD sex, but it seems like it's sorta similar, like you said F1. That the healing has to happen so our perceptions can change. And then when our perceptions change, we can communicate what we want (which takes a lot of emotional trust) and make it happen with healthy partners.

Fingers crossed.

[Whitefang]

Ditto to the other guys finding the incredible outer beauty of their ex.  Mine was a jr & former competitor in the ole pageant circuit, representing her state.  She was actually more than humble abt this, didnt even mention it for a long time & really hated compliments, me wanting to include her pictures (or with us together) on my pages , etc.  I was "allowed" only one certain pic to show family or friends.  Her occupation is in the performing arts and as soon as shes off the stage, shes done.  Wants no compliments or to be reminded how talented she is.  In fact, she usually got quite defensive whenever i said she was beautiful.  No, this was not a case of "just fishing for more".  She really pulled in & got nervous hearing it from anyone.

Strange paradox.  Im sure its no diff from an anorexic who looks in the mirror and still sees "fat".  Its the self image, their perception of themselves.  God knows what kind of "awful" things she "saw" in this distorted thinking.  When i can tell she cant even see herself correctly, how can i expect her to see me fairly either?  Everything must be filtered so differently in their "eyes".

I agree 110% with the one who reminded us "everything comes with a cost".  Ive only found little bits referring to "the look/beauty" of BPD females.  Also noted is the "blank/distant empty stare" during the swings.  My girls eyes were penetrating, deep, intense but with hardly any "life", intelligent.  I was always intrigued even in photos this came across.

Yes, one of the hardest things of letting go for me/detaching is the strong physical attraction.  Another is the challenge of it all.  She persued me in the beginning so i never gave chase until after i "found out" id been dumped.  My battles been bloody & still is (if any have read my few posts abt this agonizing smear campaign). 

I wish more women would weigh in to discuss if they found their BPD SOs exceptionally attractive on the outside & if that plays any part in them having a harder time letting go?  Or is it more since men are more visual & place more emphasis on sex?  Someone made the point abt confusing "love" for sex.  I dont think this applies to me as much, but i still dont believe ive ever seen a woman who compares on the level with my ex.  And we were good friends first & i always felt this way. 

P.S. By all means, our sex was always outstanding & i relate to the comment about the intense drama of makeup sex too.  Another reason if she ever decides im not the devil & tried to reengage me, id still be weak for that fix. 

[waitaminute]

She had several times mentioned the problem with men always wanting her. She dressed down so as to not look too sexy. But it didn't matter. If she wore old clothes and clunky shoes with hair uncombed... .  she was still beautiful. She would say "the problem is that I am too beautiful". Even though she was not happy with her body, she would admire herself in the mirror. It was actually one of the more balanced aspects of her personality.

[FoolishOne]

Livednlearned... .  thank you for providing me (and maybe the rest of the thread-readers) some hope.  I think a good thread would be "Sex after BPD?"  I certainly would read it.

Anyway, success stories are what I need to hear... .  kinda seems like I'm a child and the grown ups are telling me stories of what it's going to be like when I grow up.  It's facinating but just hard to comprehend right at the moment.

Yes, the sex with Looney was outstanding and continued to be so right up until the end.  It didn't taper off like a lot of marriages do.  She would do me whenever I wanted to... .  and alot of times she would initiate... .  I always thought that to be awesom.  Oftentimes, right before we'd have sex, I'd tell myself justs how lucky I was to be with this hot chick.  And then... .  not terribly long afterwards, those thoughts of good fortune turned to remorse, frustration, hopelessness and sadness.

Sounds like I want it all... .  I want a hot chick that loves me unconditionally (and for the right reasons), that loves sex and has her head on straight... .  is that too much to ask?

F1

[livednlearned]

Sounds like I want it all... .  I want a hot chick that loves me unconditionally (and for the right reasons), that loves sex and has her head on straight... .  is that too much to ask?

If you can honestly say that you are an emotionally healthy guy who wants an emotionally healthy relationship, then she is out there looking for you. You'll find her. The looks, the sex, the love.

But if you're looking for a "hot chick" that loves sex -- you're going to find a lot more women who are crazy, is my guess. Because healthy women aren't attracted to a guy who loves hot chicks that love sex. Even if she is a hot chick who loves sex.

I've never had to pursue men. I know I get treated different because of the way I look, and if that sounds narcissistic, I can tell you that having your N/BPD husband scream that you're nothing but a f@*k!ng trophy really makes good looks meaningless. If you feel like sh!t on the inside, you might as well have three heads. Lots of people on the boards will encourage you to not be fixated on the outward beauty, and my guess is that for those of you coming down off your stunning BPD partners, that isn't an easy pill to swallow. But, well, for what it's worth, they're right    I think the way forward for guys dealing with the post-BPD amazing-sex free fall is to focus on what you have to offer a beautiful, healthy woman, and then be prepared to grow into the mind-blowing sex that you create together.

As many of the guys here have said, a stunningly beautiful woman can be with any man. But a stunningly beautiful woman who is healthy cannot be with just any man. She is not going to date you if you're only into her for the mind-blowing sex and her beauty. The empty beauties that do date you will quickly move on and replace you because there are thousands of emotionally shallow men she can swap you out with. That kind of beautiful, sexy and sexual woman isn't real picky.

That's the sadness that I hear from men in these threads (this topic surfaces here rather reliably) who are desperate to find a woman who can compare to their BPD girlfriends or wives. You have to be real if you want the real deal going forward. You have to give something real in return for something real.

I'm sort of at that point in my own dating trajectory. Many thousands of dollars and hours of therapy later, I ended up attracting one of the most stable, steady, kind, thoughtful guys I've ever dated. My hope (double triple fingers crossed) is that I'm showing up enough to attract a guy who shows up too. I got the wacky idealization stuff worked out, so there has been none of that aphrodisiac addiction bs that has been in all my past r/s. Had no idea what sex would be like with this new guy, but there were all kinds of signs that he was going to be attentive, thoughtful, and kind, which it turns out is true. Now we're turning the corner into real passion and it's starting to feel like sky's the limit, as long as I can trust and communicate and work through some of this physical intimacy baggage from N/BPDx. And the surprising thing is how safe it all feels, which is so different it took me a while to realize that's what it was -- safety.

[turtle]

But if you're looking for a "hot chick" that loves sex -- you're going to find a lot more women who are crazy, is my guess. Because healthy women aren't attracted to a guy who loves hot chicks that love sex. Even if she is a hot chick who loves sex.

That's the sadness that I hear from men in these threads (this topic surfaces here rather reliably) who are desperate to find a woman who can compare to their BPD girlfriends or wives. You have to be real if you want the real deal going forward. You have to give something real in return for something real.

which is so different it took me a while to realize that's what it was -- safety.

Loved your whole post livednlearned... .  but like you... .  I know these things above to be true!  And I can say without exception that any guy that was looking for hot sex from me at the get go was NOT safe.


turtle

[FoolishOne]

Livednlearned... .  excellent observation and valid points all around.  I think what a lot of men are lamenting about the sex because it is how we are wired.  What separates the Neanderthals from the Homeosapiens is character.  In time, I am convinced I'll come to my senses and find "find my center".  But right now I'm a little boy tht got his favorite toy taken away from him.  I want to cry about it for awhile... .  but eventually, I'll get over it... .  That may be way too simplistic, but it works for me for now.

Do I plan to go out there and try to bang any and every "hot chick" I can?  I hope not.  My hope is that I can heal, get real with myself, and eventually become a desirable guy that a chick I find attractive on many levels will want to be with me long term.

My impatience is part of the frustration.  It will also be the prime suspect if I attmept to reconcile.  Holding myself at bay is 90% of the battle... .  the rest is simply follow through.

Anyway, so far so good... .  thanks again for taking the time to share your success story... .  it is truly refreshing!

F1