Going to spill my guts tonight

[coffeeaddict]

Hi All, Coffee Addict here,

    I've written before about many of the issues that I have with my uBPDw of many years. I've been recently dealing with a ton of financial issues regarding my job/career change, move across the country, and the fall out of everything. It was all way too much for me to bear and I could never tell my uBPDw for fear of what she would do, how she would react and whether we would even still be married after all was said and done if she ever knew all of the financial problems we are going through and catching up on. I was hoping to get most of everything resolved other this next year before she found out, but she did find out a couple things and everything will come out tonight. I made a lot of mistakes trying to keep everything going and together but I just couldn't. I had a mental breakdown or two this past year and she never knew anything was wrong. I'm telling her everything tonight and I don't even care anymore. She can be very abusive and flips out over the smallest things so tonight will really push things to the limit. I could really use some words of advice and encouragement. I'm waiting for her call back (I'm out of town on business). Somewhat worried but I'm tired of running.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[yeeter]

Hi coffee,

I don't know your story, but if you know it's something she will flip out over is there a friend of hers you can call to be there after you tell her?

And then what will you do?  You might not be able to come home?  Do you have a friend to stay with?  Have you already gotten anything valuable out of the house that you want - she might destroy them, including old photographs, heirlooms, etc.

Are you in the right state of mind?  And have you thought this through and planned for the fallout?  Do you have any close friends to be with you?

[finallyangry]

Coffeeaddict,

I have not read any of your previous posts so I may not have the best of advice for your situation specifically. That being said, Im not sure if maybe you are going about this the wrong way? It sounds to me like you are at your limit, and rightly so, but I dont think that it works to speak to a BPD from a place of frustration, anger or being fed up. That could put anyone on the defensive but with the BPD on top of that... .  could be asking for some trouble.

As a suggestion... .  maybe you should spill everything here or in a journal so you can really look at it, calm down a bit and figure out what the important points are that you really want her to get.

Just a thought... .  

[GaGrl]

Have you considered the support of another pastor? Who do you have as your personal coach? You sound as if you are trying to ha doe this alone.

[coffeeaddict]

Hi All,

    Well, she called back and I calmly told her everything I could think of. I tried not to be defensive and put up excuses, but I did tell her everything. She was upset, but I think the pure, honest, unoffensive way I went about it made it somewhat tolerable. She is (I'm guessing) trying to dig and find out more information (making phone calls, etc. ). What helps is that I honestly don't know some of the answers to her questions because honestly, I had a mental breakdown a few times and have just recently (in the last 2-3 months) been trying to regain order in our financial situation. She, of course, doesn't care "why", but I and I alone have had to deal with all of this alone with no one to talk to. There is way more to the "job/career" change then I have time to write, but it plays a very heavy part as to why I lost it. Long, long story. I had to be the one to "keep it together" and move our family across the country, be the tough one, drink the poison, handle my career ending, my finances falling all down on top of me, starting over, everything and she wasn't even handling the parts that were left and blaming me for everything. I guess I was at my limit and the emotional cost of daily living and dealing with all this alone was far greater than just "coming clean" all at once, even though I didn't technically "do" anything wrong, outside of lying and keeping all this from her. I feel sad and relieved all at the same time. I'm sure there will be more fall out, but at some point, when you've got nothing, you got nothing to lose!

[yeeter]

Wow coffee, it must be such a relief to have it all out in the open now.   

There is an old saying:

No man is an island

You have been an island for so long, carrying the burden until you broke.  Thats the trick isnt it... .  knowing what can be carried 'just until it gets sorted out' vs the long term sustainability of it all.

And given the nature of BPD, you cant get support from home.

A reset.  Clean slate if you will. 

Other than the relief of getting this one out on the table, how are you feeling overall? 

If a life reset, then a chance to evaluate all the pieces and determine how you want to move forward from this point on (as you nothing to lose... .  sometimes we call it 'taking a bath' - that is as long as we are resetting may as well put everything on the table for consideration).  No hurry for this.

Tell us how you are doing today.  Whats your next steps.

Do you have any friends or family to connect to at this time - someone there to support YOU?

[coffeeaddict]

Yeeter, Gagrl, finallyangry and all,

     Sorry it's taken me awhile to get back to you. She is "handling" things halfway decently. No where near as well as someone who isn't bp, but on her scale a 5 out of 1-10. She actually reacted much worse this morning when I didn't notice my older son going into my younger son's bedroom to give him a hug this morning, almost waking him up (it was 7:15 a.m... .  he's usually up at this time anyway), yelling at me and acting like I was an unfitt moronic father and when I spoke back (defensively I must admit) she told me to "shut the hell up"... .  nice.

      I honestly think that the reason that she is being so "reasonable" (relatively) is that she actually does NEED me to fix this for the family. She really doesn't understand how the real world works and on some level she knows this.  As I have written in other posts, my life came crashing down around me and my finances were my breaking point. And I wish this were the first time, but finances have always been a big issue. I was a single income pastor for 15 years, and we moved a lot. Sometimes my income was ok, sometimes not enough and only one time, for 2 years, more than enough. That on top of the fact that I always felt like I couldn't just deal, adjust and handle our finances openly without starting constant drama led to mistakes, lots of them. The sad thing is is that I do consider myself pretty smart and "good" with money, but I just couldn't handle all of the emotional drama and blackmail (she used to say all the time that I need to leave the ministry or she would threaten to take the kids and start attending another church - which would end my job and career). Sorry to go on and on about this, but it sets up the background of why this all came crashing down. I honestly wanted to leave ministry for a long time, but going from church work to real world employment is pretty tough. You can count on losing 1/2 of your already meager income... .  if you can find a job. Thankfully I did and so far we are "making it" but I just couldn't "fix" all my past debt/collections sins fast enough and she found out. Oh well.

      Some of you (or maybe just yeeter) was asking why not just "reset" everything? Well, it might come to that, but for the sake of my boys (who I love more than life itself) I can't stomach ending it with her. Although I do care for her, it's not a marriage and hasn't been for 8+ years. I do feel like I've done everything I can and nothing works and nothing lasts. (btw, she says "she's tried everything too and I've done nothing to fix the marriage." I even tried the "Love Dare" and she said I "did it wrong"... .  Financially, I'm just not sure how it would work. We have no money, she doesn't have a job and hasn't worked in 12 years while taking care of our kids (btw, I'm not opposed to her staying home, just sayin' the facts). Her mom lives in a small apartment far away and is a nut job. Just not sure how it would work and not seeing my boys and helping raising them would kill me, seriously. Makes me sick to my stomach even thinking about not seeing them everyday.

       So there it is. Any advice would be good. I have seriously considered leaving and have started making plans to leave on at least 3 other occasions but I keep running into the same problem... .  what would happen to my boys. Press the "reset" button? If I knew that they would be ok and I would be able to help raise them... .  tell me where to press!

coffeeaddict

[Steph]

 What sort of a mother is she?

[coffeeaddict]

@Steph,

      Mother? My uBPDw or her mom? My wife is pretty ok. Loves them to pieces but doesn't always deal with them very well. I think I do shelter her from all the other realities of real life so that she can cope.

[yeeter]

Hey coffee



When I said reset, I just meant coming clean and resetting with everything above  board from a financial staNPDoint.

I would throw in any other areas where you have been shouldering the burden.  Get it all out in the open and on the table (not just with your wife, but with yourself as well).

This way it will set yourself up to move forward from an even starting point (and not still trying to dig out of a hole - either literally or emotionally). 

Then the work is, to move forward in a SUSTAINABLE way.  So as not to simple be right back in the same hole(s) at some point in the future.  A part of this might be to protect your wife less, and allow her to learn how to deal with regular life stuff. 

If you want to understand the picture of life after divorce - my recommendation is to go talk to a seasoned divorce lawyer.  Sometimes it can be very useful to think it all the way through, to the detail, about what your lifestyle will and will not look like after divorce - especially with shared parenting (as well as financials).  I do know this:  There will be less money, and there will be less time with your children, because the two of you will be sharing in some way or another.  But this can be fine, you just have to think it all the way through with someone that has some insights.

It sounds like you coming clean on the finances went ok.  But now you need to 'fix' it? 

What does 'fixing' it mean?

[coffeeaddict]

Yeeter,

      Yeah, I get what you mean by reset now. I'm sorta working on that right now. It helped that I ended my career as a pastor (since that was one of things she could use to blackmail me with or at least was a pressure point that she could push on if I was "out of line". Coming clean with the financies was another. I always used to keep our conversations light and I used to (to be honest) steer the conversations away from anything involving finances because I didn't want her asking questions that would led to more questions. I know this was wrong on my part and dysfunctional, but I'm glad it's over. At least 25% of my energy each day was worrying about her calling me out or getting upset and everything coming unglued. Well, now that it actually did, I have soo much more energy now!

       As far as where to go from here to fix it? I give her kind but straight reality. Like, this is how much we have in the checking account and I don't get paid til Friday, so no we can't afford that thing you feel we "need", sorry... .  without worrying about an all night bashing of my money management skills, and what are you spending our money on (idk, crazy stuff like food, gas, bills, and maybe an occasional starbucks coffee - l live up to my username). And as bad as our credit is and as much stuff we need to take care of, I know of others who have it much worse. We do make enough to live on AND repay everything in the next 12-18 months... .  if we work together. And now that I can openly work on the finances, discuss things without too much fear and tell her "no" without her going off and threatening to "take over the finances" (I'm like, go for it! Good luck!   ), I think there is a real chance now. I can ask her to make reasonable sacrifices for a period without her freaking out and acting like I'm a control freak. It all goes back to "popping that balloon". I was soo afraid of that balloon being popped and now that it is, I have really no more fear (except the genuine concern for our financial future which does help me to fix it!). Other things that I want to try is getting professional help with our budgeting and credit and debt, a 3rd party that will help us to fix if for good. I WILL NOT go down this road again, no matter what happens!

Coffeeaddict

[briefcase]

I've found its usually a relief to get things out in the open that have been weighing on my mind and heart.  I can also relate to the the feeling of relief that my wife didn't react as badly as I imagined she might over some of those issues.  The key, I think, is to find a way to communicate with her about these things in an effective way before they build up so much pressure.  It's hard to do because we expect a big meltdown and start to avoid issues to "keep the peace."  It's not a fun way to go.