I did somethin really stupid. I asked her to come home

[hellnback]

I don't know what came over me. I have been LC for a year now. Yesterday, an overwhelming feeling came over me to reach out to her and ask her if she wanted to put our family back together. I told her I loved her and I forgive her for cheating and leaving me and our kids. She hugged me and told me she would think about it. I should have known better.

I'm not sure if she has BPD or not. She seems so different now. She said she is never happy anymore. Just seems strange for a mother and devoted wife to pick up and leave so sudden. She made me out to be this evil person. I really loved her and I loved our family. She is now living with her lover and has little to do with her parents or our kids.

Tonight, i called her. I asked her if she thought about my proposal. She said no so I asked her again. She said no, I don't love you any more. I really don't thik she ever did. Major set back. I don't know if I will ever get over her. It has been 2 years since she left and I still long for her return. What is wrong with me?

I've done all the workshops, read lots of books and have been building a better me. Why can I not move on? I feel that I only had one shot at the family of my dreams. I have two beautiful kids who live with me full time. I really believe that they deserved a complete family with their mom and me. I'm very sad now. I wish... .  I just wish, thats all.

Dear Lord, help me. I loved her so much.

[finallyangry]

Hellnback,

You post really touched me... .  I can really feel the sadness you are experiencing and I have to say... .  everyone who loves someone in any way with BPD has been there.

One thing I have noticed with BPD people is their ability to be utterly addicting. Im sure you see this word on posts here all the time. They have a charm about them, when they are wonderful they are the MOST wonderful but the same goes for they are well, not so wonderful.

Borderlines tend to want to create a 'you and me vs the world" mentality. They create a sort of team partnership feeling that can be really hard to let go of. Its not healthy even though it feels good at the time so when healthy relationships dont have that we tend to miss it. I can tell you for sure, once a BPD always a BPD. Sure, one can become aware and try to make better choices etc but its still there.

Also, it sounds to me like the only reason she said she would think about your proposal was for the chance to shoot you down like that. I hope that isnt too harsh =[ and I could be wrong but I know that its typical in the BPD community to really love that power of being able to call the shots and hurt someone.

We all have our moments of weakness where we think that living with them in hell is better then not being with them at all but reality hits quickly and hard.

How are you feeling now? Assuming its been some time since your convo with her... .  

[GreenMango]

Oh Hellnback I'm very sorry.  Your post was hard to read.  

That wishing is so rough.  Sometimes we have to try so we know and the doubt doesn't haunt us.  It took courage to put your heart on your sleeve.

Same question as finallyangry and do you have supportive family and friends?

[Blazing Star]

What is wrong with me?

I've done all the workshops, read lots of books and have been building a better me. Why can I not move on? I feel that I only had one shot at the family of my dreams. I have two beautiful kids who live with me full time. I really believe that they deserved a complete family with their mom and me. I'm very sad now. I wish... .  I just wish, thats all.

Dear Lord, help me. I loved her so much.

 There is nothing wrong with you! To me it sounds like you have a very big heart, and perhaps she still takes up some space it in. It is a beautiful thing to be so big-hearted, but it can be painful I know.

Its good to hear that you have been doing workshops and reading. Are there times that feel better, like you have moved on? Or has this been a pretty consistent feeling over the past two years regardless of a-ha moments while doing the self-reflective work?

We are here for you.

Love Blazing Star

[jessicapuppy]

We've all been there hellnback.  We need to remember that the reality of our relationship with our BPD partner, is not what might be X amount of time down the line, or what could be if only X, Y or Z happened, but what is actually happening right here & now.  Is this how you want to go on feeling, whether in a relationship with your ex or out of one?  Only you can change this 

JP

x

[hellnback]

Hello again and than you all for your kind words.

I think I really knew what would happen. Her life is very difficult now. The kids don't respect her, she doesn't have many friends and she left one of the best families around. I felt deep sorrow for her. I wanted to give her the chance to make things right for herself again. I did let her know that she is loved, forgivin and we miss her.

I have to make my life about me and my kids. I was doing so well for a good while. Then, I met up with her at my daughters cheer competition. After the show, we went up to our daughter to congradulate her. I received a big hug from her but my ex got snubbed. When I saw the pain in her eyes I just knew I had to try something. It really broke my heart to see her in such pain. So I gave her a chance to make things right.

I think I am in love with a ghost. Someone who only existed in my mind. Deep down I was terrified she would take me up on my offer. But I truly hoped she was the girl I thought I knew.

In a weird way I think I wanted to feel the pain again. Like an old freind I embraced the pain and seemed to relish in it. I did feel my first signs of forgiviness and compassion for her though.

I really need help with moving on. I have carried the pain for soo long now. I just want to like myself again. I feel so unworthy of love. I feel like I failed my family. I want to wake up and be free of this guilt and sorrow. I want the tears to stop.

[spaceace]

Sorry to hear you go through this. There is nothing wrong with wanting the mother of your children home. It's heartbreaking to hear how a mother would do this.

There are good people on this board, stick around and don't be afraid to do an emotional dump. People will reach back back to you.

I wish you well.

[OTH]

I feel so unworthy of love. I feel like I failed my family. I want to wake up and be free of this guilt and sorrow. I want the tears to stop.

hellnback, You have two kids you love and who love you. You've been the adult. You are doing the hard work of raising your family by yourself. You have nothing to feel guilty about. She is missing out. Look at what it has done to her relationship with her daughter. She knows it. She just can't handle adult emotions and adult commitments. You can. So you are worthy of love. I'm sure your daughters will appreciate it and you will always have that to hold onto.  

[hellnback]

Thanks again fellow board members. You guys really turned my day around. You all said some very helpful and kind things.

I was tooling around the internet late last night and came across a site that I found interesting. It's called No More Mr Nice Guy. Its mainly for men but I assume women could benifit as well. The site is about meeting your needs and working on yourself. Some may want to check it out if they're stuck.

With that said, I finally realized that maybe it's time to start focusing on ME now. I need to stop being the victim in this whole mess. I want to be done trying to figure her life out.

OTH - Thank you for this reply - hellnback, You have two kids you love and who love you. You've been the adult. You are doing the hard work of raising your family by yourself. You have nothing to feel guilty about. She is missing out. Look at what it has done to her relationship with her daughter. She knows it. She just can't handle adult emotions and adult commitments. You can. So you are worthy of love. I'm sure your daughters will appreciate it and you will always have that to hold onto.

That was really nice to hear, I needed that.

So, from here on out, No More Mr. Nice Guy for me. I'm going to focus on my kids and MY life. This board is wonderful and so are all of you. I'm going to work on getting my 50+ posts to move on to the next board.

[GreenMango]

So, from here on out, No More Mr. Nice Guy for me. I'm going to focus on my kids and MY life. This board is wonderful and so are all of you. I'm going to work on getting my 50+ posts to move on to the next board.

This is awesome.  The parenting board, along with here, might be another place that you will find support too.  You can always post on both.

[FindingMe2011]

It was only stupid to you, when she denied your invitation, and allowed your fears to kick in, right where they left off. If she did take you up on this offer, what would this subject say, or would you have posted at all?

I don't know what came over me. I have been LC for a year now. Yesterday, an overwhelming feeling came over me to reach out to her and ask her if she wanted to put our family back together.

[/size]

This is common. Thinking she sees the r/s as you do. She has an illness, that doesnt allow her to do this. Acceptance of these 2 things, will help you to view things differently.

I told her I loved her and I forgive her for cheating and leaving me and our kids.

When the bottom dropped out for me, I questioned everything. I eventually asked myself, What is my definition of "love"? It was quite apparent to me, I could relate pain, to love. I no longer believe this.

I'm not sure if she has BPD or not.

A diagnosis is not the issue, her past behavior is.

She seems so different now.

If she has BPD, or strong traits of the disorder. This would be evident as soon as she attached herself to a new host. I watched this happen, with an almost overnight change. This being after a 12 1/2 yr r/s. Why? the mirror changed.  :)o you think ruminations on your part, could have influenced this perception?.  The only way you can say someone has changed, is an acceptable behavior, that you witness, not influence, that is consistent for a period of time. Words are cheap and easy, dont hang on them.

She said she is never happy anymore. Just seems strange for a mother and devoted wife to pick up and leave so sudden. She made me out to be this evil person.

Nobody, including those with BPD can sustain anger forever. There has to be times, when there is no supply, that she has moments of clarity or reality. (this also adds to the confusion, of how ill they could possibly be)  In order for one to make changes, they need to genuinely grieve and suffer through abandonment depression, no shortcuts, and head on. (which also touches part of your problem) But the dynamics of her illness, will not allow this. When one, only has a part time self, the result of full blown depression, is perceived as death, or annihilation. And yes, it does seem strange, until you bring on the dynamics of a severe mental disorder.  Of course she did. She had to justify her actions, didnt she.

I really loved her and I loved our family.

I once said these very words.  Now I say.  " I was addicted to her, it was a very toxic r/s, and because of my FOO, and CPD, and my core belief in family, I was determined to see this thing through and get it right, despite what it did to my health, both physically and mentally. I understand that the end result, was going to happen regardless what I did.

She is now living with her lover and has little to do with her parents or our kids.

Because now he is the object, that is supplying her ego. (it seems the honeymoon is over) The shame and guilt she feels, is too much to handle(death) when around the kids. Her parents also dont approve, it seems, so this is more shame and guilt, and her inability to convince you are otherwise.  Her parents know she is ill. Maybe not all the details, but they know, and probably had a hand in it.

I've done all the workshops, read lots of books and have been building a better me. Why can I not move on?

Becoming mentally healthier is not easy, nor fast. Its taken you a lifetime to get here. What are you expecting? Why are you getting frustrated with yourself ?.  If you cant be kind and forgiving to yourself, then who is? Learning, then understanding, then believing, and then finally you can start to living it. With a whole lot of mistakes on the way. Its alot, and most never go completely through it. If your asking yourself this question, then you missed something, and thats OK too.

I feel that I only had one shot at the family of my dreams. I have two beautiful kids who live with me full time.

Kuddos to you, Im envious. I get to share my kids 50/50.  This is your family now, not what you planned, but it is, what it is, accept this. I saw pretty quickly, that there was an opportunity for me to be 10x the father/ parent/friend to my kids, than I ever could have been catering to the needs of my ex. I see the effects it has had, and for that Im grateful.

I really believe that they deserved a complete family with their mom and me. I'm very sad now. I wish.   I just wish, thats all.

It can be alot more complete than you think.  This is a decision she made, and one you need to accept. yet your both responsible for the outcome(you picked her).  I wish you well,  PEACE

[hellnback]

FindingMe,

I love that way you break things down. Thank you. I'm going to re read this a few times befor I fully comment.

I want to get to the point where I stop blaming the BPD and her. Heck, I don't even know if she had BPD. If she does or doesn't should not matter to me.

Your tag at the end really hit home with me though. And I do recognize the chance to be the father I have always wanted to be. Thanks for pointing that out.

I will steal your signature just this once... .  PEACE to you too.

[FindingMe2011]

FindingMe,

I love that way you break things down. Thank you. I'm going to re read this a few times befor I fully comment.

I want to get to the point where I stop blaming the BPD and her. Heck, I don't even know if she had BPD. If she does or doesn't should not matter to me.

Your tag at the end really hit home with me though. And I do recognize the chance to be the father I have always wanted to be. Thanks for pointing that out.

I will steal your signature just this once... .  PEACE to you too.

It actually came from Seeking Balance and your welcome

[imstronghere2]

hellnback, you and I are basically living out the same life right now.  My exw moved out 1 year and 5 months back, leaving me to finish raising our son (13 now) on my own and our daughter, who was 17 at the time.  That was the single most devastating and excruciatingly painful experience of my life.  She became a person we didn't know.  The wife and mother we thought we had was completely gone, changed into a person none of us wanted anything to do with.  She signed over custody of our son without hesitation, literally.   Our daughter was emancipated by the time of our divorce, which took only 2.5 months after she moved out.  Neither she nor I have surviving parents and she's estranged from her siblings so there were no lifelines for her, yet that didn't seem to matter.    She had a couple of new hosts hooked up already, one she'd been having an affair with for a couple of months before she moved out whom she ended up moving in with soon thereafter.  And that's what we have to keep reminding ourselves of.  We were HOSTS for these parasitic monsters.  Nothing more.  There was NO relationship, regardless of what you want to keep reminiscing on in your head.  I do it too.  That hurts, bad.  We were duped from the get-go.  It will never change and the cycle will repeat itself.  We didn't cause it, we can't control it, we can't change it and we can't cure it.  Keep reminding yourself of that.  Your kids are WAY better off without her.  You said "I really loved her and I loved our family".  So did I.  Would you have given your life for your exw?  You bet.  I would have too.  I was so damn proud that I had a nuclear family that sat down at the dinner table together every night and were civil to each other.  It's what I always wanted.  It made me feel secure knowing I had that and she was "there" for me.  You said "I feel I only had one shot at the family of my dreams".  You're right.  We both did and our ex-wives blew that to hell for us.  I worked 2 jobs for 20 years, sacrificing whatever I had to in order to make this work.  Sacrificing my "self", which is just one part that went too far.  You know why she didn't think about your proposal?  It's because "out of sight, out of MIND".  They literally DO NOT think about us AT ALL when they've left us like this, at least as long as they have a willing host to fulfill their "needs".  Those being to be worshiped, obeyed, sacrificed for and forgiven.  We HAVE to accept that the dream of a unified family is gone.  Nothing we can do about that now.  We can't undo the past or what they've done or who they've become.  We CAN continue to work on ourselves and make as good a life for our children as best we know how.  Give them love and support every day.  Hug them and reassure them that you will never, ever, under any circumstances abandon them.  My kids know this to the core of their very souls.  I'm all they have in this world.  Their mother has nothing to do with our daughter and very little to do with our son.  She sees him a couple times a month for about 30 minutes each time.  She never calls and only texts the day before her visit to be sure it's still on.  That's it.  Didn't talk to either of them on Christmas, just a quick "Merry Christmas" text.  Are they better off without her?  Absolutely.  Our daughter was devastated when she left us.  Devastated.  Our son never shed a tear because she had never really bonded with him.  Never involved herself in their lives.  She was "mother" only in the strictest sense that she was here at the house when they came home.  I don't know about your living situation now but it's pretty calm here most of the time.  We don't have anyone here causing drama or chaos anymore.  It's harder to keep up on everything but overall, we're fairly happy.  Think about that.  Is that how it is for you now too? 

We have scars my friend.  Deep, painful and lifelong scars.  We WILL get through this.  We're not the disordered one.  We have empathy.  We have compassion.  We have a soul.

imstronghere2

[FindingMe2011]

That was the single most devastating and excruciatingly painful experience of my life.

That you remember, anyway. Not sure where you are in the process of healing, but rest assure you have felt this before. Something worth exploring, and the real origin of your pain. For now its time to start leaning into your pain, and feel it. You will find the more you do this the easier it gets. Posting will help you sort your feelings, and all here understand your pain.

We were HOSTS for these parasitic monsters.  Nothing more.

There is a whole lot more, keep learning, until you understand, and then keep learning, until you believe what your reading. Your belief that she saw the r/s, as you did (until the bottom dropped out) is part of this issue. Know that she has a severe mental disorder, that prohibited this.

 Would you have given your life for your exw?  You bet.  I would have too.  I was so damn proud that I had a nuclear family that sat down at the dinner table together every night and were civil to each other.  It's what I always wanted.

I once said these same words, as did many here. The fairy tale story, like Romeo and Juliet. its an enmeshment where 2 people fuse to become one. Its dysfunction, unhealthy, and doomed to fail. My childhood set this up perfectly. Wanting something so badly, it had me seeing things I only wanted to. Just a bit on the selfish side. Then astonished that she didn't have the strength, to see things through as myself, especially when we had soo much vested.

 It made me feel secure knowing I had that and she was "there" for me.  You said "I feel I only had one shot at the family of my dreams".  You're right.  We both did and our ex-wives blew that to hell for us.

Faulty thinking, and rumination, will keep you here. Its wrong unless you want to remain in the victim role. Although you feel you got the raw end of the stick, you also played a role in this inevitable train wreck.

We're not the disordered one.

You do realize that people gravitate to others, that are close to their own emotional level?. Your words speak loudly of co-dependency. The full medical term is co-dependency disorder. Research on Vulnerable Narcissism could also give you some insight. It helped me, and I couldn't deny it, i carried traits of both.

We have scars my friend.  :)eep, painful and lifelong scars.  We WILL get through this.

What you have right now are wounds. Open bleeding wounds. Unresolved core trauma, similar to your ex. You also have the ability to start healing these wounds in a healthy way. Finding your way here proves this. This site alone can help you provide a map, to a healthier life. Something I never did in the past, nor felt the need to do. It was the most rewarding, and full filling thing I ever did for myself. I hope you do the same, you deserve it. I wish you well, PEACE

[hellnback]

We have scars my friend.  Deep, painful and lifelong scars.  We WILL get through this.

What you have right now are wounds. Open bleeding wounds. Unresolved core trauma, similar to your ex. You also have the ability to start healing these wounds in a healthy way. Finding your way here proves this. This site alone can help you provide a map, to a healthier life. Something I never did in the past, nor felt the need to do. It was the most rewarding, and full filling thing I ever did for myself. I hope you do the same, you deserve it. I wish you well, PEACE

This is where I am stuck. I cannot clearly identify the core wounds of my past. What was I looking to re create? I have searched my past and cannot see any serious issues with my parents. The earliest bad experience I can think of goes back to the 7th grade. My first love cheated and left me for my best friend. I struggled to get back but never could. Could this be what I am trying to get right? Did I search for a partner (who I knew would cheat and leave) in an attempt to get it right this time? Did I not heal properly from that first betrayal? As I ponder this, I can see that all my broken hearted relationships (4 to be exact - the rest were incidential) ended with them cheating and leaving.  Even today, I seem to attract women who are attached but looking to step out. Why am I attracted to these types?   

[Phoenix.Rising]

Deep down I was terrified she would take me up on my offer.

I understand this feeling.  I wanted my ex back, but I really didn't because I knew nothing had changed, and it was very unlikely her behaviors would ever change.  I would be consciously placing myself in a painful situation.

In a weird way I think I wanted to feel the pain again. Like an old freind I embraced the pain and seemed to relish in it.

This really resonates with me.  If I am honest with myself, I've been not only addicted to her, but to the PAIN.  Pain and chaos were commonplace in FOO, so they feel comfortable in a messed up way as an adult.  But I am realizing that I have choices.  Today, I do not want to live in pain that is avoidable.  I hope you find peace.

[FindingMe2011]

This is where I am stuck. I cannot clearly identify the core wounds of my past. What was I looking to re create? I have searched my past and cannot see any serious issues with my parents.

I also had this issue. I also found it interesting that I really had no recollection, or very little of anything, from about 7(when I perceived stability) and before. I did know that my mother, left my father, at an early age, but that was about it. I had the belief, all in all, I had a great childhood, and I did from that age on, for the most part. I finally discussed this, with my mother, and she gave me some insight. It was also strange that over the next few months she even approached me with some other info, like she was cleaning out her closet. I didnt need anymore, but I could she that it was important to her... .  Also along this journey, I realized i had some vulnerable narcissistic traits. Where did I learn these... .  MOM. Through this learning experience, i have gained some insight, on the effects of narcissism and BPD on children. Ive actually had interactions with her, that bring out the same feelings my BPD r/s did. It wasnt until this I had ever observed this, it was sobering, and also my normal. Different paths, but the same results... .  No family/person is perfect, and the reality of what really went on, during the first few years of anybodys life, may never be explained exactly right. I could see this possibilty, with the struggles I experienced starting a family, there are many factors to consider, and with my ignorance, of the development of the psyche (many say that the personality is 90% established from the ages of 0-7 )... .  Trauma can also be perceived. My oldest daughter, when she was only 14 -16 weeks old, had to start bottle feeding, as she was lactose intolerant. Her only means to eating was changed, she cried for days... .  Trauma, unpreventable but trauma non the less. My youngest, upon the separation of marriage, and some events that soon followed, cried for nearly 3 months straight. How much is resolved, who knows, probably not much.

The earliest bad experience I can think of goes back to the 7th grade. My first love cheated and left me for my best friend. I struggled to get back but never could. Could this be what I am trying to get right? Did I search for a partner (who I knew would cheat and leave) in an attempt to get it right this time? Did I not heal properly from that first betrayal? As I ponder this, I can see that all my broken hearted relationships (4 to be exact - the rest were incidential) ended with them cheating and leaving.  Even today, I seem to attract women who are attached but looking to step out  

My first piece of literature, I ever really read on psychology, explained that every fear we have is based on either intimacy, or abandonment.(we all have both to some degree) I found this hard to wrap my head around at first.  I actually started the most intense discussions I had ever had with my ex. I didnt have any idea, I was taking her to her percieved death... .  Maybe your issues lay heavier on the intimacy side. Maybe your detachment from your mother, has something to do with it. Have you ever been to a T ? Maybe start a thread on the Personal Inventory board?... .  My downfall, a touch of narcissism ( it seems most of us come here with narrow views) mixed in with a whole lots of CPD. The mind is complex, we take thoughts and put them through filters, and they eventually come out the lenses, and we perceive perceptions. Its not an exact science, but strides seem to be made consistently.

This is where I am stuck.

When I would see myself here. I knew it was time to try something different. Have you ever tried meditation ? It was one of the better exercises, that got me unstuck

Why am I attracted to these types?

Low self esteem, narcissistic traits, co-dependency, and immaturity are usually the front runners... .  I wish you well, PEACE