BPD Mom using little sister as leverage

[Depression = 72% of members]

My mother lives in a different state and we no longer speak. Since we have cut ties, I have never felt better. The only problem is, my 7-year-old sister lives with her. I cannot call my sister without having to deal with my mother, but I'm not sure if she's getting the cards or gifts I send. I feel like right vs. wrong conflicts with healthy vs. unhealthy, in this case. I noticed I was removed from my sister's facebook friends list, whether by her or mom, I don't know.

When I was her age, mom would badmouth family members to me and make me choose sides, and I think it's possible mom has convinced her to dislike me. Is it wrong to give up on having a relationship with my little sister?

[LadyLuck]

My mother lives in a different state and we no longer speak. Since we have cut ties, I have never felt better. The only problem is, my 7-year-old sister lives with her. I cannot call my sister without having to deal with my mother, but I'm not sure if she's getting the cards or gifts I send. I feel like right vs. wrong conflicts with healthy vs. unhealthy, in this case. I noticed I was removed from my sister's facebook friends list, whether by her or mom, I don't know.

When I was her age, mom would badmouth family members to me and make me choose sides, and I think it's possible mom has convinced her to dislike me. Is it wrong to give up on having a relationship with my little sister?

[Eeoye1]

No, its not wrong.  It depends on what you can handle.  If youre not in a good place you CANT deal with her.  Does that make sense.  If you cant handle her... .  you can't.  Youre not healed enough to be cabable of handling it.  My mother was and is similar to what youre saying.  The choosing sides thing.  The bad mouthing.  I think I am a bit older than you and have a child whos 18 so this may not relate but I cut myself off from my mother for years, after I had my son.  I spent many a holiday alone rather than see her.  There was a point when she was having one of her fits. She had called me to get my address... .  to send a nasty letter to me, because I had offended her in some way.  I'm pretty sure it was a really minor thing, anyway... .  and I didnt react.  I kept my tone level, and didnt react to her nastiness.  She was stupified.  She modulated from anger to guilt to 'logic' to 'proof' of my trangression, I calmly corrected her, without reacting.  She calmed down, and seemed confused.  It's an interesting memory.  That was 15 years ago.  It was only because I had disconnected from her that I could see through the garbage.  Its so hard though.  Man.  My sister is older than me and she still has a hard time.  She gets IN it, ya know.  Heal yourself.  Let your sister know you're always there for her no matter what because you know as she grows up she'll need you.  Until you can not react and feed the fire, you may only be hurting yourself... .  and her in the long run if at some point you cant deal with her AT ALL because of your mother.  Plus you know there will come a fay when she will all of a sudden stop, and change her mind, I know my mother runs hot and cold and then its like nothing happened.  Ride the storm, heal yourself.  Youre not abandoning her.  Its like on an airplane.  Always put your mask on first before putting one on someone else.



M~

[GeekyGirl]

Is it wrong to give up on having a relationship with my little sister?

No, it's not wrong. It might take hard work on your part to have a relationship with your sister. Right now she's living with your mother and is a minor, so if you want a relationship with her, you're going to have to go through your mother.

Would you be willing to work on your relationship with your mother to have a relationship with your sister?

[Dev]

I can relate two ways: I have a younger sister (although we are closer in age than it sounds like you and your sister are), and have experienced my uBPD mother "cutting off" family members as a child, and brain-washing me into thinking they were bad people, etc. So:

You might just have to wait this one out. As GeekyGirl says, your sister is a minor and your mother her guardian (the only one?). You have to go through your mother to have a relationship with her, at least per legal requirement. Either you (safely) establish LC with your mother, or you wait until your sister is old enough for you to contact her directly.

That's what my father's family did: although Mum cut them out and still goes into a rage at the slightest mention of them, my aunts/uncles/cousins waited until I was 18 and moved out, then started slowly contacting me. At first it was just a letter or a birthday card or Facebook request, and if Mum got wind of it she would MELTDOWN (my dad is not very computer/text savvy and she can easily snoop through his correspondance to see if he's been giving my addresses etc. to his family). But after a while of slow contact, I made my own decision to contact them and judge for myself whether I wanted them in my life (and I do). You might just have to focus on getting your life together, and when the time is right contact your sister when she is older, or maybe she will even contact you.

Or if the time comes when you are able to stand LC with your mother (and only if you are ready), you could try to pick up the relationship with sis then.

PS: Seven is too young to have a Facebook account; this breaches its terms of service. I would bet your mother controls the account, and did the 'deleting'.