The AHA moment

[spaceace]

Since my wife has left me 3 times, I got into the habit of writing down my feelings after the second she left.

I am very happy I have done this. I have been able to go back and see, each time she has done this, it is very predictable what her behavior is. What has been most helpful is to really read my words of despair and anger.

I don't know if I had an AHA moment per se, but it has been a gradual understanding that I do not want to be treated this way anymore. I am worth so much more than to be abused over and over. Especially with the silent treatment. That has always been the most abusive of ways she has hurt me.

I don't know if it is best for everyone to write down their thoughts, but I am glad I have done it and suggest that it may be a way to look at the past and decide about the future.

[hithere]

I found that writing down the deal-breakers and referring to them when I was feeling weak helped a lot!

[susanleona]

Yes, me too.  Without those old journals you just might forget how bad you felt and they give you strength to keep away, hopefully permanently.  Most of our memories push away the bad stuff, but when it's written down reading puts it back in front of your mind.  Big help.  The ex used to act like nothing ever happened.  He probably believed it too.  Sometimes I speculate on how someone who can cause so much pain always ends up being the aggrieved party.  Their mental gymnastics amaze me.

[spaceace]

Sometimes I speculate on how someone who can cause so much pain always ends up being the aggrieved party.  Their mental gymnastics amaze me.

******

How true! It is unbelievable! I am still struggling with this! Thanks for your words...

[gina louise]

Yep. I made a Loves me/Loves me Not list, too.

It helped  greatly to SEE it all set out in black and white.

Just the facts.

They were terrible truths that I might have continued with, had I not done so. Stuck in my justifications, (he was abused, he was stressed, he's deeply troubled... .  )

Hopeful of my ability to Heal him, help him see that Life is really Good.

He belittled and abused me in many ways. Demanding. Entitled.

He proposed to me and recanted-twice, before the "real" proposal.

He created a non-wedding out of what could have been a warm and welcoming event to get our families together. We had one guest-the sole witness.

He cancelled solid plans for fun events, for no reason.

There were so many many items. So many What the heck moments of pained confusion on my part.

And sadly, the "Loves me" side was way too short. Way. Too. Short.

GL

[FoolishOne]

I've always been a "list-maker", but this situation has made me even moreso.  Without those lists of countless offenses that I can and continue to refer to, I fear I would be unarmed when the demons come... .  Ruminations are a direct side-effect of detachment from a BPD, and I'm convinced that I may be the Grand Ruminator of them all.   

Accessing this website, reading helpful books/articles, and making those lists are all integral to the recovery process.  Don't discount their merit.  If we were that strong, we would not have gotten ourselves into this mess to begin with.

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