how to deal with his dislike for some of my close friends

[Silkroad]

hi all, i have posted here before, but this time i just would like you to share your wisdom regarding him wanting me to be away from people I like. I know this is something that is normal for BPD's(although I only guess he has it) and has behaving appalling for the 10 years we have been together married.  

Now, i am 38 weeks pregnant and he's just written to me (texting me while we are under the same roof) he doesnt want this good friend to stay with our 4 years old son while i am in hospital. She is the only one who knows about my ups and downs with him over the years, and has followed me regarding my conclusion that he's got an issue.(getting to the conclusion he is mentally ill has shed a light in my life in the past year and has improved it... .  although this pregnancy has been decided on me based on hopes he would improve and so on, which i am now completely changed from)

He has been disregulated badly lately. We managed to have maybe 5 talking days through the month of December until now. I just dont want to fight him. He wants me to rely on and be friends with 'needy' people like him, not with people that can be stronger or has their lives more resolved than his. So i just texted back saying 'ok' . He even said he doesnt want them(this friend and her husband) to come and visit after baby is born. He is saying that because he knows they are people I value.

I have another friend who is willing to stay with our son, and is someone who doesnt know he has anything wrong and actually find him the most amazing man and how lucky i am.

How to deal with it for the rest of our lives? do you just keep trying to arrange secret meeting with people you like to avoid confrontation? is there a way around it, should i point out to him that he doesnt have any real friends and that everybody is just superficial because he is not reliable as a friend(only when he needs sth back from them)?

I know the stress of pregnancy adds up to it all. But I seem to be thinking more clearly know under the hormonal change, and have experienced a better year with him, without so much shouting and confrontation (thanks to you guys and your stories) so would like this year to improve even more.

 I am also dreading having him as my birth partner... .  he was with our first son, and he behaved well, but as we know they can flip I am loosing my confidence... .  and he wants to show to the whole world how wonderful a man he is to be supportive while i am in labour... .  oh well, please sen me your thoughts... they are really valuable... .  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[tryingtogetit]

Hi Silkroad

First of all my symphaties to you, it sounds like quite a situation in which you're holding yourself up well!

Now, my basic answer would be really simple, but I do understand it always feels differently in real life.

Of course you have the right to your friends! And no, you shouldn't have to see them in secret!

You're right, it's normal for BPDs to isolate their partners and this is part of it. The more you give up of your world, the more you end up in his. And as he's not mentally well that's not a good place for you to be.

As you're hardly talking anyway, this is a great time to practice detaching. Doesn't mean separating. Means taking yourself out of his world and becoming whole again.

Then you'll be able to make sound decisions and stand up for them.

(btw being manipulated to bring in a female friend whom he approves of and is crazy about him can be seen as a red flag... .  )

You also have the right to a birth partner you can trust. You can point out that you two basically don't talk and you need someone with you with whom you can.

To me the central point is that if you reckon he has a mental illness, you can't let him dictate your choices, let him make decision about you and your children because he's not able to.

I'm afraid you may have to regard yourself as basically a single parent (of two shortly) and make decisions accordingly. Taking the lead and let him follow if he's up for it.

[Silkroad]

hi tryingtogetit! thanks for replying...   i have been practicing detaching very well lately, as i used to beg him to become his normal self, but now I am just relieved he is not on my case all the time, so i can watch the films i want, and spend most days doing things I like doing... and all the chores he doesnt care about, but want all in place... .  so we always have to find a positive side to things... of course i would like to have someone supportive specially towards the end of the pregnancy, but with a BPD its impossible, i am the one who does everything and have done everything to wait for this baby. He hasnt moved a finger(although he says he is the one who works - we both do part-time, but only his counts of course... and i do ALL the housework and child care, and have been in maternity leave for the last 3 weeks) . There is no other connotation in this friend and her relationship with him, as she has a husband who is also needy( plus handsome, hardworking, and so on) and i am the one always counselling her about their relationship and NEVER talk about mine of course. So the plan would be that our 4 years old stay with them while i am in hospital in labour (with my husb).

I am actually more at peace with it now, as i know this is how their minds work, trying to get me to be angry somehow, and always saying i am the one who is wrong... .  He has been irritated with regarding every single little thing and has not spoken properly with me for days.

As i am in emminent labour, i believe he is problaby saving his energies to be 'OK' with me while in hospital where he knows he has to behave.

Do you think i should address the issue regarding my friend coming after baby is born and how reasonable he is asking me NOT to have them here? shall i just ignore and let them come whenever they want?  I havent got the energy to deal with it now, but it will be another thing and i havent mention... .  would mentioning ir make any difference? 

I am also saving my energy for labour as well, so when he comes to talk about the most ridiculous things about how bad i am, I just stare at him letting him talk, talk and talk, then he stops... no validation or anything... .  i haven't got the strenght for it now... .  

I am also DREADING paternity leave! who had this bad idea? i will have to have him around for 2 weeks! how unfair! i will have to look after 3, one newborn, one toddler and him. But for the whole world i am the one getting the support form him and he is the most amazing man in the world... .  well, never mind, at least i can see clearly now that i am deadling with something that is not normal... .  

Thank you for reading!

[Grey Kitty]

Silkroad, it does sound like you are doing well during difficult times!   

It also sounds like you have resolved in your own mind to choose your battles and not fight over who takes care of your 4-year-old son while you are in the hospital. That sounds like a good choice.

But then there is the other issue for later:

Do you think i should address the issue regarding my friend coming after baby is born and how reasonable he is asking me NOT to have them here? shall i just ignore and let them come whenever they want?  I havent got the energy to deal with it now, but it will be another thing and i havent mention... .  would mentioning ir make any difference? 

Telling someone that they are being unreasonable doesn't even work well with stable well-adjusted people. I don't think it ever helps a pwBPD. Just don't go there! 

Sneaking around doesn't work well, although just being quiet upon occasion can avoid a conflict.

Instead think about setting a boundary that you have friends, and you will see them when and how you want to... .  and not accept interference on his part.

(OK, that will require a bit more thought on how to structure it as a boundary that you can enforce... .  but you can work it out if it is an important one to you.)

[briefcase]

Please don't cut friends out of your life to keep the peace.  It won't keep the peace.  And you need your friends!  I think its okay to compromise on who watches your 4-year old while you are in the hospital, but just say no when he asks that the other friends not come visit.  You don't need to justify this or argue the point, just let him know they are your friends and you want to see them.

There may be a battle, but this battle is worth it.  Again, its not really a "battle" unless you also engage, which you don't need to do.     Stick to your position, and let him feel about it however he chooses!

Congratulations on the baby, and good luck!

[tryingtogetit]

Hi again silkroad

Of course you don't need extra stress at this moment. We all are probably guilty of adjusting to or ignoring certain issues because we just don't feel up to it. And obviously being close to giving birth, the last thing you want is another argument... .  

Briefcase and Grey kitty pointed out what I was going to write as well, don't let him dictate who your friends are!

However, I do think there's different ways to go about it.

I would suggest to just state it very matter of fact: 'my friends are coming over' just like you'd say: 'it's raining'.

You're stating a fact without emotion atttached to it.

Often times that seems to work best for me because it's short, clear and I won't get too nervous saying that. (and nervousness comes over as insecurity and therefor something my pwBPD can get a hold over me)

Of course you can put an option for him in it, just like you would for a non, to be fair. By example: 'they'll come over Wednesday, what time works best for us?' or 'you're welcome to stay or you can go do something else' Everybody likes a choice.

I can imagine the paternity leave strikes fear in you! But on the other hand, as you are in the staying/ improving forum, it could become a time to find some togetherness. In all fairness, my pwBPD does step up to the plate when an important occasion occurs. So, I do think he deserves a chance and maybe it can prove a good time together. (unfortunately, often times there seems to be a relapse after a period of working together)

So good luck with all and best wishes!

[yeeter]

Please don't cut friends out of your life to keep the peace. 

I just want to reiterate this point.  I cut a number of very good friends out of my life to keep the peace.  Huge monstrous mistake.  It just left me isolated and Alone.  Peace never happened.

Now more than ever, you need friends in your life.

If you are afraid of doing it with him knowing about, then fine, keep it a secret.  At least until you gain enough strength to where you can just tell him that you are doing it.  OF COURSE you will have friends and will see those friends on a regular basis.  THis is a perfectly normal and reasonable thing.  Just state it, and do it.

(btw, the first time is the most scary)

[Silkroad]

Thank you so much for all your thoughts and advice! I managed to get to meet few people this week that i havent seen for a while- not at home though - and informed him via texts where I was, but they were people he doesnt really worry too much about.

But I am paving the way to have the friend he dislikes and her husband around, so he is aware i am sociable and wont give it up because of him.

After the baby is born I am going to use  your suggestions of just informing him as saying 'its raining' or he will keep believing he is in total control of everything i do.

So, so far you have shared your wisdom and it has reassured me! Thank you!