painted white but for how long?

[lee2013]

ok it seems im in the 'good books' again, shes talking of living together again now, plans for the house and meals all the small details. actually get told how much im loved and all the amazing things that were used to... but i cant shake the feeling that it wont last? as its not diagnosed i dont want it to be my paranoia and maybe shes just 'settled' into the relationship. dont want to ruin it if it is paranoia but dont want to get drawn in if im going to get smashed to pieces again     somethings broke inside me and i cant enjoy the way shes being if that makes sense?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CodependentHusband]

hmm... .  Well, you know... .  none of us are professionals here, so, even if we knew her, we couldn't diagnose her. Based on some of your previous posts though, where she seems to get intensely angry at the most insignificant things, she seems to be exhibiting some BPD traits. One thing is for sure... .  'settling into' a relationship, even with two mentally healthy people, doesn't tend to necessarily lead to less frequent arguing... .  in fact, I would think quite the opposite. After the 'honeymoon period' in any relationship, I think that people's tempers tend to get shorter, rather than longer.

So... .  if she has BPD, you can count on being painted white and black in cycles... .  it's a hallmark of the illness. For those of us that have stayed for a while and worked the tools for at least a few months after discovering the BPD, we learn to truly enjoy the good times; however, we practice what's called "Wise Mind." Since the 'high' periods are every bit as much a symptom of the illness as the 'low' periods, it tends to feed the illness when we jump right back into being enmeshed with them on the roller coaster... .  Trust me, it is still tempting sometimes to get 'all mushy' feeling about the relationship when my wife has me painted white... .  my experience has been that when I do that, the next down cycle is worse than it would have been otherwise. So, don't make a big deal of the praise she heaps on you... .  don't invalidate her either, but say things like, "well, I didn't do anything extroidinary... .  any boyfriend would do that for his girlfriend."

Just my two cents... .  Hope things continue to go well for you. Let yourself enjoy it, but don't get carried away.

[Chosen]

I completely agree with everything CodependentHusband said.

Expect to be painted white and black repeatedly, although with communication tools the lows can get higher; "Wise Mind" is great and I highly recommend it- it's more of a state of mind, of knowing that nothing can affect you unless you allow it to, and taking everything- even the good, with a pinch of salt (knowing it's also something they say to reflect their feeling of that moment).  It's a way of detachment I suppose, but not detaching with the person, but more like learning to detach with the BPD-ness of the person.

[cartman1]

dont want to ruin it if it is paranoia but dont want to get drawn in if im going to get smashed to pieces again     somethings broke inside me and i cant enjoy the way shes being if that makes sense?

This makes a lot of sense to me. I'm at a point where my uBPDw is starting to look at me differently but I won't let myself bask in the sunlight on that pedestal they put you on because when you learn that what comes next really hurts and you know that they will knock you off and paint you black that can be the worst feeling in the world. Think of it like a yin yang. There's white and black, If you want to be in the relationship you have to accept both. Remember to stay grounded when the highs come and focus on yourself through the lows, when she's down stay calm, let her see her emotions without response and then she can learn. Trust me it works!   

[CodependentHusband]

Trust me it works!   

Heck yeah it does! Now, just to be clear though, this is NOT going to fix all of the dysfunction. If it did, well, you wouldn't be seeing any posts on this forum from any other Stayers once they've figured all of this out.

The idea here is that we make things as good as they can possibly be at any given time. Reality is that every pwBPD is different (my wife doesn't cut herself or attempt suicide for example), and some will come with more 'baggage' than others... .  Same is true for nons as well (me included... .  my first wife cheated on me, so, I struggle with blind trust). When you combine the two, the resulting relationship is going to involve the baggage from both people, to create a relationship with challenges as unique as the people involved. For me, I'm glad I did what I did, and I really am enjoying my marriage. Coming back here helps me because it allows me to confide in others... .  sort of like a maintenance thing for me... .  and also, it helps me to know that I am helping others who are going through some of the same pain I once had.

So, by all means, learn to enjoy it without fear of the next 'bad' cycle, but help her temper her bleached white image of you... .  it's going to help keep the 'black' period just a little more gray, not only in how she behaves, but in how hard it is on you emotionally to be pushed away so hard by someone you obviously care very much about.

[Chosen]

It is very difficult to enjoy the good when you know the bad is going to come at some point... .  but with practise it gets easier.  I can't say I'm doing it with complete ease now, but I'm learning to enjoy the good times better than I did half a year ago.

Hang in there!

[waverider]

I always say to myself, enjoy the mood NOT the details.

[lee2013]

i really hope that it stays and maybe i was being paranoid and thinking into things too much as usual, only time will tell. give it a short while ill probs be back on here trying to reassure myself im not a bad person and that im allowed to feel hurt and finding ways to deal with it.

I can empathize for you on the not being able to blind trust co-dependant. this caused a massive amount of friction for us at the start as she couldnt understand that i need to build trust, or understand why little things like when i have a moment and ask who shes messaging to just calmly reassure me and show me, or keeping in contact not just randomly vanishing. instead of blowing up and saying that theres no point if i cant trust her? and said to me if i ask again she would just lie to me as anyway as i shouldnt be asking, knowing it would wind me up?   my heads been worked hard through this!

[cartman1]

Trust me it works!   

Heck yeah it does! Now, just to be clear though, this is NOT going to fix all of the dysfunction. If it did, well, you wouldn't be seeing any posts on this forum from any other Stayers once they've figured all of this out.

The idea here is that we make things as good as they can possibly be at any given time. Reality is that every pwBPD is different (my wife doesn't cut herself or attempt suicide for example), and some will come with more 'baggage' than others... .  Same is true for nons as well (me included... .  my first wife cheated on me, so, I struggle with blind trust). When you combine the two, the resulting relationship is going to involve the baggage from both people, to create a relationship with challenges as unique as the people involved. For me, I'm glad I did what I did, and I really am enjoying my marriage. Coming back here helps me because it allows me to confide in others... .  sort of like a maintenance thing for me... .  and also, it helps me to know that I am helping others who are going through some of the same pain I once had.

So, by all means, learn to enjoy it without fear of the next 'bad' cycle, but help her temper her bleached white image of you... .  it's going to help keep the 'black' period just a little more gray, not only in how she behaves, but in how hard it is on you emotionally to be pushed away so hard by someone you obviously care very much about.

Once again CodependantHusband and waverider put it brilliantly. For me I think to myself that my Wife brought a deep abandonment issue to the table when we first met and she is hyper vigilant and constantly watches for the next time I abandon her. So I bear in mind that this could be seen in me at anytime so I try to validate this whenever I can "I'm going out now Love, But I'll be back at XX (I usually set time a little later than I expect to be home, then I'm early.)  I can't wait to see you when I get home and we can watch a movie together." It's all about keeping her feeling validated.

If you haven't already done, I think ths would be a good read for you Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it