Survivors guide, Step 1

[doubleAries]

Survivors Guide

I have had a very strange week or 2. I have read the all the survivor guide steps many times, and felt like "yep, check". But sometimes life is more like the proverbial onion with the many layers.

My mother is a Sadistic Personality Disorder with Borderline features. My father (now deceased) and her divorced when I was about 1 year old. He was an NPD alcoholic with PTSD (war related) who began to fondle me when I was about 7. I did not have a pleasant childhood by any stretch of the imagination. For years I have found that people "over-react' when I tell them stories about my childhood. By that, I mean they have emotional reactions, while I am puzzled because I am numb and indifferent.

Yes, I have somewhat understood that I must be withholding or repressing my feelings, but didn't understand why I was or how to "access" those feelings. So I began to talk about my feelings. The easiest one being my anger about how my parents abused me. Only in the past week have I learned what a big difference there is between talking about feelings and feeling feelings.

Why now? I'm not sure. My husband and I seperated a couple months ago, and I'm all safe and snug in my own place now. That's part of it I'm sure. I guess I must be ready now too, though I don't really understand why. But I also am beginning to see that that's one of my trip ups--trying to reason/understand/analyze instead of FEEL.

I started feeling... .  weird. About 2 weeks ago.  Last week I had to leave work because I was crying and didn't know why (I own the company so I won't get fired). Then a few days ago, I woke up really depressed--so depressed I almost felt suicidal (no, no attempts or real desire to die, just the feeling). I really didn't *understand* why (there's that trying to out-intellect my feelings again). Then, night before last I couldn't sleep until 4 am. Awoke at 7 am in pain from tension and having something resembling an anxiety attack, including chest tightness, headache, almost hyperventilating (the effort of trying to keep the floodgates closed, I now recognize).

I see my T once a week but hadn't seen him for a couple weeks because of the holidays. Had a 3 hour session with him last night, where I immediately burst into tears and could not explain why. I was beginning to think I was losing my mind and needed to be hospitalized. I even started thinking (again) "I MUST BE BPD!"

I don't have any problem talking about how angry I am at my mother for what she did to me as a kid. But there's a HUGE difference between talking about it and actually experiencing it. Can I say I was afraid? Sure. Can I experience/feel it? Not really. That floodgate is barely opening up for me (after 22 years NC!) and it's not fun. I understand the healing-ness of it, but it's scary. I'm not used to this. I always thought getting her out of my life was the solution. But in actuality, it was just a step towards a solution--a solution I haven't known how to access. And because I couldn't access it, it accessed me--in the form of swarming self doubts, fear of rejection, and mangled self image. With that in mind, the scariness of the floodgate opening doesn't seem so bad.

Survivors of extreme and prolonged physical and/or sexual abuse in which terror or violence typically occurred often experience a more dramatic breakthrough crisis. This is usually triggered by some event: seeing a movie, engaging in a relationship that unexpectedly turns abusive or having a sexual experience that somehow parallels the childhood sexual abuse. This leaves you feeling like the scared little child again, lacking any sort of adult control over your life. You may even think you are going crazy and may come up with all sorts of possible explanations for what is going on.

I don't know what triggered this.

As a child, you developed formidable psychological defenses to protect yourself against this massive assault, and you probably continued to rely on these rigid defenses well into adulthood, until they no longer worked for you. This is where you may be now. In a breakthrough crisis, your psyche realigns itself in order to bring the past into harmony with the present. Like an earthquake, this realignment results in the release of powerful feelings and energy, and can create periods of disorganization, helplessness and incredible fear. If you are a survivor of truly severe abuse, you may have mini-breakthrough crises as each new set of abuse memories surfaces, although these smaller crises are usually not as tumultuous as the first.

I don't have "memories surfacing". I never had dissociation, repressed memories, or PTSD flashbacks. But there is this strange feeling of the "before" and "after" re-uniting. Those shattered glass pieces that are my life gluing themselves back together.

The breakthrough crisis is actually quite normal, although it certainly does not feel normal to you. Crises are scary. You have been used to screening out all stimuli that might trigger your out-of-control feelings, only to feel that now you have lost control over your mind.

My T explained to me that the feelings are surfacing. I didn't even know they were feelings. But it's somewhat of a relief (that I'm not having sudden onset of schizophrenia, or becoming a BPD, or whatever else I could make up). Uh, it's just some feelings. Really, really strong ones, but just feelings nonetheless. It's incredibly intense though.

[TeaAmongRoses]

Wow! What an amazing account of how you are beginning to process your feelings. Feelings are scary but you don't "have" to be be afraid of them. Sounds like you are now in a safe space, and armed with lots of information you are able to start to have a breakthrough. I suspect in addition to all the terrible feelings (anxiety, fear, depression, anger) you will also start to experience joy, peace, love feelings too more strongly. Thanks for posting and sharing your experiences and best wishes for continued recovery. Tea

[gina louise]

doubleAries,

I really get a lot out of your posts. I wonder if I too was abused somehow as a child.

Why? One weird reason. I cannot recall ANY of my third grade year except my teacher's name and face. I have really complete and detailed memories of all my other school age years except for third grade.

AND to add to my suspicions my fourth grade teacher(among others that year) was unusually solicitous of me, personally. She made me the "director" of our class play, and showed other favoritism through my fourth grade year. AS IF she felt/knew I needed or warranted special attention.

the two put together make me wonder WTH happened to me in third grade?

Now that I have left my abusive husband,  and feel safe, living 2 hours away-I am waking up in the middle of the night with chest pains, sweats, tears, nightmares, and feelings I can't seem to figure out. They are not related to my H. They feel deeper, more buried.

to read your post about feeling the feelings rather than analyzing them helps me... .  a lot.

I am so deeply sorry for what you went though.

I am amazed and heartened at the sheer resilience of survivors of abuse of ANY kind.

ALL of us.

Depth of heart and strength of will never cease to impress me.

I pray for us and the will to endure, heal, and discover Joy.


GL

[P.F.Change]

Maybe this is happening now because you are finally in a place where it is safe for you to start processing it all.

I totally understand what you mean when you talk about actually feeling the feelings. I tend to intellectualize and compartmemtalize, too. It can be scary to really feel, especially when it seems to come out of nowhere. Even though it's "just feelings" it is hard.

I am going through some of this too. I started seeing a new T for EMDR recently and keep having those pesky feelings show up. Not only do I have to feel, then I have to figure out *what* I'm feeling and *why* and *where* and wow, it can be hard to get in touch with all that when my first instinct is still to compartmentalize it and look at it from far off.

I'm glad you have a T to help you sort through it all. It sounds like you are strong enough and safe enough to start feeling.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Seahorse1]

You are always here to support others , what do you need right now to support you ?

[doubleAries]

Seahorse1--um, I don't know! I'm trying to learn to take care of myself. I appreciate your question deeply. I guess just to know that others care and understand, that while I may be "broken" I'm not completely unlovable. Thank you so much. The question alone IS the support! 

P.F.Change--that's what my T says. When I moved into my own place last month, I was excited about fixing it up, etc. In retrospect, the look on my T's face makes more sense. He saw it coming. I didn't. It's so weird, because the intense feelings aren't directly connected to anything in particular. Not even "general" memories. So I couldn't figure out what was happening. Didn't even understand that what I was experiencing was emotions!   It feels relieving in a way, but it's hard to *control* (versus experience?). I don't yet know how to regulate this. T told me to put aside 1 hour each day for this (and that if it didn't happen, that's OK), and I'm trying. I understand what he's saying and why, but it's too new and I don't have practice. I can't make it come when I want it to (too much practice keeping it at bay). I had a really sick betta fish that finally died today. When I got home and saw he had finally died, I burst into tears and sobbed for 15 minutes. I knew it wasn't about the fish (cool fish, but not all that interactive), but the minor sadness over the fish was an entry to the emotions. however, I don't want to kill off more fish just to access my emotions   Thank you for the wish of peace. I wish this for you too--for all of us.

Gina Louise--your reply stands out to me. In some weird way, I always kind of envied people who couldn't remember what happened. But I see that this is not to be envied. It must be so disconcerting! I remember all too well. My father was my hero, the rescuer who saved me from the witch. Until he started drunkenly findling me. The first time, my world just crashed into pieces. Subsequent times, the pieces were ground under foot and smashed even smaller, but it was already broken. Do you want to know if/what happened? Maybe hypnotism? I know what you mean about the feelings being deeper, more buried than whatever is going on now (my husband and I have been together almost 18 years--yeah, it's hard, but this is different). I feel like I just discovered life on another planet or something--the concept of feeling feelings instead of talking about them! WOW!

TeaAmongRoses--thank you. Thank you so much. I hadn't thought of that yet. It's comforting and encouraging. Maybe I can actually stop being so hard on myself now. That would be a relief!

Thanks to all of you for sharing this journey with me. And allowing me to share your journeys as well. I never thought there would be anyone else ever that would understand what it was like to grow up the way all of us did. I thought I was alone and "freakish". But I feel welcome and valued. it's AWESOME.     

[GreenMango]

Doublearies I think you are very brave and inspired to see you do the steps of the survivors guide.  It takes courage and strength.  I look forward to reading more about your journey and seeing your growth.

[gina louise]

 doubleAries,

thank you. we are all here, walking through some shadowy woods... .  but holding hands makes it less scary.

this one thing that I do remember makes it worse.

My dad bought me a strange book. And made ME read it. Not my sister. Just me.

A kids book about a barnyard bird that was part, chicken, part duck, part goose and something else. A really UGLY messed up bird. It was called a "churkendoose" Or something like that. Kind of a creepy image for a little kid. Like a frankenstein barnyard bird.

Then he quizzed me PRIVATELY about the meaning of the book. I was 8 years old!

I said... .  "does it mean things are NOT always what they seem?"

I remember feeling really nervous, scared of him- scared to say anything. Looking way up at him. He was so tall.

He replied, almost yelled at me, " THAT"S RIGHT!".

I felt like I'd dodged a huge bullet. I literally ran away from him.

There was also one episode with some neighbors that had teenage sons and my Dad took me around the corner-(WHY?) and threatened the family.(WHY?) and yelled at me in the car when we left.  "?"

Was I dumb enough or innocent enough to be molested by some teenaged dopes? Maybe. I was only 8.

Jeesh.

and the whole year of 1968 . gonzo.


I want that year back. I feel like I could handle it. My Mom is dead, and my dad is fragile and dying of old age.

They can't hurt me now. But holding all this in might, ya know?

anyhoo... .  maybe TMI, and I apologize for that... .  

GL

[doubleAries]

GreenMango--thanks. I'm not so sure I'm doing the survivors guide, so much as it is doing me! I really didn't know I was doing this. It just... .  happened. Maybe further down the road, it will look different (FEEL different?) but right now it seems so random and unexpected. I'm kind of laughing a little about my reaction--"hmmm... .  maybe my memory foam mattress pad is what's making my back hurt." Today at work my stomach started to knot up again. I told myself "hey--not right now. 7 pm" And at 7 pm, here it came back. But now, knowing what is going on, I thought about some of the things that happened to me as a kid, and BOOM--it shut right down. I can't seem to draw it back up either. Just want to get through it. But can't force it.

Gina Louise--no, not TMI. That's what we're here for. Odd, ain't it? you can draw up the feelings but not the memories, and I can draw up the memories but not the feelings. I guess I'm understanding that when a piece (or more) is missing, that's where that sensation comes from of life being a shattered glass or a box of photos thrown up in the air and scattered out of order.

[ScarletOlive]

doubleAries, wow, sounds like you are doing some intense healing work. I know what you mean about your mind saying, "Welp, time to heal," and leaving the logical self in the dust. Take good care and be gentle with yourself. Feeling the feelings is indeed tough. Sitting with you, and sending you lots of caring and support as you process the feelings.

[gina louise]

doubleAries,

I forgot to say thanks for the Survivor to thriver link. 

Downloaded it, reading it, using it. Or it's using me.

Dumb things trigger my feelings... like my creepy Uncle's English Leather Cologne.   

I am having the most interesting dreams populated with people I don't know. Even in my dreams I find myself scanning their faces intently thinking WHO are you? But it's a dream-so perhaps I am really asking Myself that question!

funny, huh?

Thrive, baby. Hang in there dA.

GL

[Rose Tiger]

This is good news Aries and Gina.  For so long, I mean a loong time, I couldn't access the feelings associated with memories.  I, too, would rattle them off feeling numb.  Then the feelings started surfacing, it was a couple months after ex and I made the final break.  Especially at night, I couldn't sleep and started remembering and feeling. Lots and lots of tears.  It was like finally, little Rose got to say how she felt and big Rose listened.  Both of us are feeling more resolved, more resolution, if that makes sense. 

[gina louise]

Rose Tiger and everyone,

I have always been an analyzer, not a feeler.

Ever since I was very small my FOO ingrained in me that my feelings were misbegotten and wrong. I heard a LOT of  "Oh that's NOT how you feel!" ("We don't HATE our sister!"   Um, yes when we are 4 we really REALLY DO!  )

Feelings were Unacceptable, particularly very strong ones. So I learned early on to stuff them down, deny I had them, bury them deeply.

If I am grateful for nothing else from my UBPD/NPD HUSBAND I FELT things with him, and permitted myself to feel them.

Love, dejection, attachment, pain... .  The Whole Enchilada. He had a part in waking those dormant feelings of mine.

I cried like a MoFo when my HUSBAND rejected me.  That weekend and for weeks after. Something I hadn't done EVER, not adequately. I was usually so in control. Not this time.

I felt that pain keenly and I expressed it.  My core "alone-ness" and invisibility activated-again.

I think the thawing out part is really good for me. Either way. If I had continued to repress and deny who knows what would happen. Perhaps another destructive r/s ?

I want healthy, or at least healthier. For ME.  

GL

[doubleAries]

hmmm... .  I like that---"little Rose got to say how she felt and big Rose listened". That's what I need to do.

I've met a lot of people whose families didn't allow feelings (including my husband). It was a little different in my family. My mom got pleasure from scaring and/or hurting us kids (especially me--I was the no good child because I was the only other female in the house, and she was VERY threatened by other females in general). What me and my brothers learned was that it infuriated mom if we didn't react to her torture tactics (I'm not exaggerating when I say torture--she butchered my pet rabbit and put its head on the counter while she cooked it and tried to force me to eat it, for example). But if we allowed our fear and terror to show, she thrived on it and the abuse sessions increased in intensity. So it was better to shut down and just deal with the fury. The angry look of pleasure on her face when she saw fear was a lot scarier than the abuse and torture. Sometimes if we were in our rooms, she'd burst in suddenly and throw something at us and/or scream just to scare us. If it worked, she'd laugh maniacally and start slapping and pushing. If it didn't, her eyes would get dark with anger and her lips would curl back menacingly, and she'd say "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?" When we said 'nothing" or "reading a book" or whatever, she'd act like we were lying and she had actually caught us doing something horribly wrong. Maybe we'd get punched in the face or something, but she'd leave sooner rather than later to go find another household victim. This was the "regular" her--not (what we thought of as) "the abuser". That was a lot worse.

Then I'd go to my fathers house for visitation (every other weekend). He had spent a lot of time in veteran psychiatric wards for PTSD, so he talked about his feelings all the time. But they were warped and grotesque. He didn't yell, hit, or torture, so he seemed like a saint to me. He took me to amusement parks, and out to fancy dinners. I felt like a princess. However, it never occured to him to take me to the doctor or dentist, or buy me basic needs--school clothes, etc. And it was unspoken but understood that I wasn't to talk about what went on in my "other reality" (my moms house). I wasn't sure why and didn't question it as a kid. Just wallowed in the NPD dysfunction, thinking myself lucky (by comparison). Even when we did stuff like go to the bar until 2am when I was 5 and I sat there scared watching him proudly out-drink everyone else in the bar (I was scared but felt grown up and important for being included). Or when he thought it would be fun and educational to do a tour of the big newspaper so I could see how it was made--except we went to see it printed, which happens from 3am to 5am and I was only 6 years old. He was "disappointed" in me for crying when I was too tired. I didn't understand why I'd have to go back home to my mom. I thought I must have done something bad or wrong and that's why I was being taken back. When he'd come get me again, I'd try to be really, really good so I wouldn't have to go back to my mom. Didn't work. I thought I wasn't good enough.

When his 2nd wife, an OCD alcoholic, left him, he fell into a drunken depression and moved in with his mother. On visitation times, he'd say he had to work and leave me with grandma (the enabler of all time). But he wouldn't come back until the middle of the night, smelling of alcohol. And he'd wake me up to talk. A few months later, he started crawling into my bed and fondle me awake, drunk and saying syrupy things I can't even remember (just the tone of voice). I'd freeze up and cry and he'd sigh the kind of sigh that equals rolling your eyes at someone's ridiculousness and petty, irrational behavior, and sort of stomp out of the room up to his own room. There would be no mention of it the next day. Or any other day. When I confronted him about it as a young adult, he acted like I was ignorant and victimizing him, as he oh-so-patiently explained to me that ALL fathers molest their daughters--it's perfectly normal and natural, everybody knows that. He acted indignant that I was trying to be some kind of victim, instead of being grateful for his valuable attention. But nonetheless--see? See how patient and considerate he was being with me, in spite of my petty, emotional, over-sensitivity? Obviously there was something wrong with ME, for making such a big deal out of nothing! This hurt worse than the actual sexual abuse, if that's possible. On the one hand, I was stunned and outraged, but on the other, I was filled with self doubt. I didn't believe him (even when he said that his psychiatrist at the VA hospital confirmed this as true--all perfectly natural and normal to molest your daughter, a rite of passage in fact) but I didn't know how to counter any of this. I thought he was as ashamed as I was and that's why he didn't bring it up, so I was dumbfounded by this reaction and didn't know how to make him apologize and acknowledge my hurt. I used the skills of coping (shutting down emotions) that I learned from dealing with mom. A few years later, I was 21 and pregnant and my NPD boyfriend (imagine that!) dumped me because he didn't want to deal with yet another pregnant girlfriend. I had nowhere to go, and called my dad for help. By this time, he was remarried (3rd wife) and not just an alcoholic, but a cocaine addict. He tried to get me to have a threesome with him and his wife--offered me cocaine as "compensation" (I was 5 months pregnant!) I turned him down and he was angry with me and told me "this accomodation isn't working out very well, you need to leave and find somewhere else to live".

Because his anger was different than my mom's very overt obvious anger, I didn't see it as anger. I thought it was disappointment in me. And I always felt the sting of it, that it was my fault that I disappointed him.

When his 3rd wife left him, he retreated to bed with the drapes closed and became "sick" and in need of care. He lived 300 miles from me by then, and would call in the middle of the night with an emergency. I'd drive all the way, 5 hours minimum, only to discover that what he really wanted me to do was go shopping for him, cook steak for his poodles and cut it up for them, clean his house, etc. He'd make elaborate and very specific shopping lists that required going to many different stores. If I got the wrong thing or substituted something, he'd be "disappointed" and tell me to just throw it away and he'd call someone else who could just do the simple thing he asked. I was resentful, but guilty, since he was "sick". He ended up being "sick" for 20 years. I moved him closer to me and took care of him until he finally died 10 years ago--probably from smoking 5 packs of cigarettes a day, laying in bed eating and eating and eating until he weighed 500 pounds. He got where he didn't even want to get up to go to the bathroom--he'd just pee in a bucket and call me to come empty it.

Obviously, I never did learn to deal/cope more appropriately. I am learning that now. I hope. The self doubt still lingers.

Thanks for listening--it is a huge weight off just to say all this to someone. These are the pieces that are "gluing" back together. They aren't "retrieved momories"--I've never forgotten--but they weren't linear like this in my mind. Just scattered pieces. I have to overcome all this--I don't just mean what was done to me--I mean my reactions, my numbness, my ignorance of what is healthy. I just want to live a regular boring decent life.

[doubleAries]

As I wrote this (above) I almost threw up. But that went away and now I'm numb and detached from it again. At least I know it.

[gina louise]

doubleAries,

I am stunned at what the human body, mind and spirit can suffer, live through and rise above. to "over come" this... .  makes it sound like you need to win, to battle and to to "best " it somehow. I hope you realize in your very deepest core that to me, at least, you already HAVE!

By your sheer survival, and your ability to remain sane, alive and grounded.

IS there anything we here can do to help you work your way through?

you have my admiration, and my prayers for healing.

GL

[Rose Tiger]

   I can very much relate to the numbness.  Do you have any pictures of yourself as a kid?  I'm sure you were a sweet little kidlet in a situation that was unfair and invalidating.  None of it was your fault.  A parent is suppose to meet the needs of the kiddo, not the other way around.  It must of been so scary and unsafe for little Aries.  :'( 

I have an early memory where my dad starts raging, I was 2 or 3?  I like to rewrite it,  he starts raging and someone comes along and tells him to stop.  The person picks me up and comforts me, telling me it's not my fault, I didn't do anything wrong.  I picture this person to be Jesus.  If you try this exercise, pick someone that you love and trust from your life, doesn't have to be Jesus although he works very well in this scenario.  They come in and lay down the law.  I picture dad as terrified and he backs off, he realizes that he is doing wrong and apologizes.  (I can't remember which self help book I got this from, there's been a few... .  this exercise was comforting to me though).  It helps your little self to feel safer and more able to bring up the emotions. 

[gina louise]

Rose Tiger,

me... .  I think I would turn myself into the Incredible Hulk. 'HULK SMASH!"

Or just have him show up and be my best friend.

Rose... .  I know Jesus is good. But he's so mild mannered. and I never went to church. 

GL

[Rose Tiger]

Go with Hulk!  He works.    Jesus was mild mannered with kids.  Sometimes though, tearing up the moneychanger tables in the temple for ripping people off and telling the Pharisees they were snakes and sons of vipers.  Heh heh.  He was a shake things up type of guy.   

You can also put your adult self into the position of protector in the rewrite.  Big Gina isn't going to let anyone mess with little Gina.   

[exbpdgf]

This is a great thread you all-thank you! I downloaded the survivors guide too, so I look forward to looking at it. I've actually been to ASCA meetings several years ago (when I first remembered being sexually abused by my -now I know- BPDma). The meetings were very helpful to me at that time. Now I've returned to ACA (which now has a cool book and workbook and lots of meetings).

What I wanted to say about this thread is that my T. and I talk about "thawing". I'm about 1 year out of my last r/s (9 years with exBPDgf) and last year was all about grief, relief and learning about BPD. Now I seem to be back onto looking at FOO. Just in the last couple weeks, I've found myself sorta all over the place emotionally. One minute crying, another minute laughing (I looked into Bipolar, etc in the past and no I'm not).

My T. says this is part of coming out of the "freeze" part of PTSD. I took a Mindfulness and Trauma course last year and it was all about building up our healing vortex so we can go in/out of trauma vortex without getting re-traumatized (this is based on Peter Levine's work in combo with Vipassana meditation). Having feelings is part of this.

The theory is that we get stuck (that is adults abused as children) in the "freeze" (cause we can't fight and we can't take flight). So coming out of deep-freeze (my words), which left me often feeling numb emotionally (or semi-dissociated), now, because I feel safe in my new life, I'm feeling more. So to cope I'm rambling here, writing, going to T., joined an ACA step-study group (with a few other women) and I'm trying to meditate daily.

I don't want to lose any more of my life to this stuff-to my childhood trauma, dissociation and r/s with folks who should come with warning labels. And I want to be happy. Even in my grief and shock in the last year, I've been happier than I've been in a many, many years-getting a name for all this stuff has been life-altering. Woops, sorry if I'm off topic. I'll go read the survivors guide.

[doubleAries]

Gina Louise--just having this safe place to regurgitate, and caring people who understand is the help I need and am learning to accept. Thank you. All of you.

Ever since I learned about BPD (last year, from my T) I have worried myself sick that I'M a BPD (or maybe something else  ) I trust my T and know he wouldn't tell me white lies or omit things for greater purposes, or whatever. He says he's interested in talking with me (and indeed our sessions usually go waaaay over the time limit) because he's never met anyone else who has gone through so much with so little damage. That doesn't make me feel better--it's frightening, it makes me feel like a freak of some kind. He says I do have threads of BPD symptoms, like fear of rejection, disturbed self image/intense self doubts. But that I don't react to any of these things the way a BPD would. I have threads of PTSD, but not the key characteristics, like flashbacks or panic/anxiety attacks. I have threads of Stockholm syndrome, but without the bonding to the abuser (which is a key element). I just don't fit in anywhere--something I have felt like my whole life anyway! So he keeps asking me "how did you get through this?" and I really don't know. I just did. That question is driving me nuts though. How about the rest of you? How did you get through all this?

[gina louise]

doubleAries,

at the end of the day, I am alone in my head-whether I  share a space with anyone else or not-and I think my ability to be at home there, in my own head and skin makes a difference.

I saw your quotes about destiny and they resonate with me as well. Although I went through what I would term a seriously introverted adolescence-I was able to be self reliant, and I "knew" myself and my mind on some core level and I knew what I thought about myself was valid.

I think some detachment and some dissociation probably was a protective function.

stbxBPDhample:

My Dad killed two of my pet mice by smashing them with a brick very suddenly in a fit of irritation when me and my sister were dawdling in cleaning our room. It was a sadistic "punishment." Horrifying.

But I realized that he was acting within a rage episode. I was probably 8 or 9.

I didn't for some reason, dwell on it. My sister did. Yet she went on to kill many many baby rodents feeding them to her pet snakes-and watching with great glee. To me her premeditation of her killings, and the sheer difference in numbers made my father's one act of anger seem less vicious. He was furious. She seemed... .  compulsive.

She was... .  weirdly preoccupied with watching the poor baby rats shiver in terror and get eaten alive!

My sister in her late 40's went over and over that ONE episode to justify "hating" our Dad who was by that time a sick and elderly man. She was incapable of seeing what he was at that point, still hating him for what he'd been 30+ years prior!

I think it's a quality of perspective, perception... .  I dunno... .  Grace? Balance?  Seeing what is-as opposed to what "should Be" ?

I have it. My sister lacks it.

You are not a freak. You are a champion of coping.

GL