She's Driving Me Up A Wall

[suninthesky]

Going away to college and coming back made it harder for me to deal with her. After 4 months of less stress, I just can't deal with her antics anymore! I don't know how to deal with it. I think writing a letter to her (not sending it of course) will help.

Dear Mom.

The first thing you did when I walked in the door was make faces literally behind my back. Then you graduated to making them in front of my face. Then to hassling me about my clothes choices and mumbling on about considering how I present myself and potential employers, blah, blah, blah. Well guess what? I wore guys dress clothes to a formal presentation and got first place and a hundred dollars! I don't care how many times you tell me to grow my hair out longer, wear tighter fitting clothes, whatever. It is not going to happen! It is bad enough dealing with the dysphoria of being in the wrong body. It kills me inside - I can barely deal with that on it's own, I don't need you adding to it. So stop. Just stopstopstop commenting on my appearance.

You also can't go around with all your BPDness and wreak havoc and expect people to be okay with it. I can't be around it anymore! I can't deal with your negativity, clingyness, sarcasm, tone of voice, unreasonableness, and inability to have an adult conversation. You assume the worst in ANY situation, no matter how benign! Why can't you just believe the best? Just once?

Please stop getting attached to me. All it does is make me feel guilty that I'm a horrible child that never appreciates what his mother does for him. If there are 4 chairs in a room, you don't need to sit in the same one I'm in. you also don't need to get offended when I move. There is this wonderful thing called personal space, maybe you've heard of it?

Most of all, I hate the person I am when I'm around you. As much as you believe the worst of me, you bring out the worst in me. I can't deal with being around you all the time. And when I try to get away, I can't deal with you making me feel like I'm abandoning you. There is no escaping this!

I know it's just getting worse because I'm leaving for college again and not coming back until May. But please. I'm a wreck inside because of you.

Also, stop treating dad like crap. He's done nothing but be there for you. Your constant behavior makes me sick.

Your son,

Eric


Also, as general advice, how often and for what duration would you expect someone in my situation to communicate over skype during the time that I'm in college? I just want to be free of the BPDeverything.

[beinggentle]

Hi Suninthesky,

My heart goes out to you; it sounds like your mom has done a lot to hurt your feelings. Congratulations on being in college - glad to hear you're giving yourself that opportunity for growth.

Regarding your question, it's one that I struggled with too. Actually I still struggle with it, in terms of how often I 'should' visit. I guess the way I look at it, is that there is no right number of times. And, that you have the right to want to be free of the BPD thing. The best way I've learned to look at these things is to ask myself if I felt like communicating with her that day. Note - it's about whether YOU feel like it or not.

If you find yourself starting to call and feeling resentful about it, just stop. Hang up the phone; skype (whatever). I suggest this because when I've forced myself to call out of guilt & obligation, the call has usually just turned into an unpleasant experience and left us both angry and upset anyways. It's just not worth it.

You have the right to give yourself some time and space; think about it, allow yourself to have the fun you're supposed to be having and just give yourself some time. That will help you relax again and you can decide when to get back in touch when you're in a more centered place. You don't have to make a decision before you've even left. Again, sorry to hear you've had such a time of it. Take care, BG.

[ScarletOlive]

suninthesky, things sound so very tough for you at home. I am very sorry. I'm glad you were able to write your letter and feel the frustration and anger. You certainly aren't a terrible child. What's important is that you are comfortable with how you look and with how often you call on skype.

It is perfectly ok for you wanting your space and to set that boundary. Not sure it's possible to set a boundary on negative comments or comments on your appearance? Maybe you could say, "Mom if you comment on my appearance I will walk away." If this will just wind you up in worse trouble, please ignore.

How often would you like to call home? I mean, my brother at college calls home maybe once in 8 weeks, but he and I chat online about once a week. Go with your comfort zone, if you can.

Sending much caring and support your way. It sounds like you've really been able to thrive at college! Keep being awesome.