Freaking out a little

[finallyangry]

So my BPD mother dated a man a few years ago who is a very well known psychiatrist. He writes books for teaching and travels to give speeches etc. Needless to say he is very educated in the area of psychosis.

My mother was some how able to fool him! As BPDs tend to be, she is very charming. He said that he would not have seen it if it werent for me writing him a "save yourself" letter so to speak.

Anyway, I wrote him a letter not long ago asking him about his opinion on me writing her a letter. I figured he would be good to ask because not only is he an expert but he knows her personally.

He has given me some very good insight but told me something this evening that really hit me hard. I dont know why exactly but it made my head spin and my chest hurt.

He wrote this to me:

" She certainly is at least Borderline and yes, they do make their own choices, but she would also qualify for Narcissistic Personality Disorder and for Antisocial Personality Disorder.  She is very disturbed.  More so than anyone I've treated!  (no surprise since people like your mom don't go for treatment)  But her symptom sets are all over the place".

Is it wrong that that hit me so hard? Any advice or voices of reason out there?

[justnothing]

No, it's not at all wrong that it hit you hard. There's a reason why all children, up to a certain age, tend to see their parents as perfect and flawless… that's because seeing the flaws in our parents is psychologically too difficult to deal with until we reach a certain age in which we're able to deal with it… but in the case of parents who are far more flawed than the norm – that's very difficult to face and deal with even as adults. It can cause problems in a person's self image both because we came from these people and also because, in the beginning, the foundation of our self image was based on how they saw us, how they treated us and how they felt about us… So when it turns out that a parent all along had a disorder of the kind in which the people suffering from it are notorious for having a limited capacity for love or possibly even no capacity for real love… that can be very, very difficult to deal with, to say the least.

If any of the above is the case for you; it might help to think of yourself as God's creation right now and remind yourself that you have value regardless of whatever she may have ever thought or felt about you… or if you're not of the religious persuasion than at least keep in mind that you have value as a human being in the same way that all other human beings have value and to equal measure…

Anyway, you should know that you're not alone when it comes to this either. In the same way that there are resources out there for children of BPD parents there are also resources out there for children of NPD parents and at least some research has been done about the effects of AsPD parents on their children, which might also be helpful to you.

I think there are also a lot of other people here who's parents also had comorbid PDs other than just BPD (especially NPD and AsPD actually).

My mother never got officially dxed because she also generally refused to get treated (except for one time which ended up in her quitting after a few sessions) but my therapist knew her vicariously not only through me but also through other psychologists who had encountered her during some of her visits there… She said she wasn't at liberty to disclosed what her colleagues had to say about her but she said it was "much more than just BPD"… Another time she mentioned something about "obvious NPD traits" when talking about my mother but wouldn't expand on that.

Anyhow, you are definitely not alone when it comes to this.

[GeekyGirl]

That's a pretty strong letter, so it's understandable that it has hit you pretty hard. He didn't sugarcoat it--this is a direct message, and one that you might not have been expecting.

What do you think is most alarming to you about the letter? Were you surprised to find that he thinks that she has traits of ASPD and NPD as well? Were you surprised that he said that she's more disturbed than his clients?

It's not uncommon for people with BPD (pwBPD) to have traits of other PDs, as justnothing said. My advice to you would be to try to absorb what he said, work on some self-soothing in the meantime (exercise, talking with a friend, reading--something that makes you feel good), and decide whether or not sending a letter would be beneficial once you're feeling good and have thought about what he said.

[finallyangry]

It helps a lot to hear that a lot of other people with BPD have comorbid conditions... .  

I think that this letter scared me for two reasons. One is that I have done a lot of research on mental health since I was a young teenager to help me better understand her so I know what these other disorders entail. Not to sound ridiculous but antisocial personality is no joke! Thats commonly found in serial killers and such.

Also, and this is the most troubling part, I have defended my love for her and that fact that I give her any of my time to the people who love me for my whole life. The reason? Because I genuinely believed that she was in there somewhere. But now I feel like she isnt... .  and its almost like she just died. I feel like everything I had held on to to keep me sane and feel as though I could somehow  protect her from herself is completely in the wash now. No conscience is not something I can handle. Just isnt.