Does anyone else have trouble with intimacy with their pwBPD?

[daylily]

Does anyone else have trouble with intimacy with their pwBPD?  I don't initiate as much as my H would like because I don't feel close to him.  I find it difficult to trust him emotionally and this makes it so that I feel used when we have sex.  Essentially, to my logic, if he thinks I'm the root of all evil, he's just having sex with me to get his needs met, and because he's not supposed to do it with anyone else.  That makes me feel yucky inside.  :)oes anyone else feel this way and what have you done to fix it?

I've explained to my H how I feel and he (of course) thinks I'm lying.  I think he thinks I'm just not attracted to him.  Sometimes he says I must be having sex with someone else!   Oh, and (of course) like everything else, this issue is my fault.

 Daylily

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[yeeter]

Hey lily,

It's hard to feel close, and intimate with someone if at the same time you feel wronged, mistreatd, and abused by them. 

In my case, I take it as a sign that I am carrying around resentment towards my wife.  When we are resentful, we aren't inclined to offer anything towards our partner. (be it cleaning the dishes, nice flowers, or sex)

[GreenTea]

I can definitely empathize with you, Daylily. My uBPDh is negative, critical, and/or disengaged about 90% of the time. I can always tell when he wants it, because that is the day that he'll be nice to me: offer to clean the dishes, give our daughter a bath, etc. I'm still unsettled about what may have happened the day before of which it's no use to discuss because it will end up in another blow-up or of course, being my fault. But then I'd feel guilty about not being respectful to his needs if I don't. So I always do.

There are some other details that I feel may be TMI. I have spoken to him about these, but that totally backfired. Any discussion about sex has been super tricky for me. So I don't have any advice, but I do know where you are coming from! 

[sunshine40]

It makes sense that you would want to initiate less. I also do not want to initiate when I do not feel close to my H. It is such a huge issue we just call it argument #1 because we have had it so many times. He wants me to initiate to show that I love him, especially right after he's yelled at me for it... I'm sorry, but yelling is just not a turn on for me, so... .  Sometimes I have stood my ground ... sometimes we have talked about it... for a while there i just pretended he was someone else and acted and fulfilled his needs by initiating when I really did not want to.(I highly recommend NOT doing that if you want to have some emotional stability)... But there is one thing I have truly learned... .  My H is NOT just using me. He truly does love me, and needs the intimacy, he just does not know how to ask properly.

So I am thinking, through my experience that your H literally bonds with you through that intimacy. And he's most likely not using you.

When I think about that and remember that, some of my resentment will melt and I can actually take his yelling at me for sex as "I am hurting and no one loves me... .  please show me that you love me." And I will have the heart to fulfill  his needs. I am sure it is not the "sex" he craves, but the closeness that he feels is slipping from pushing you away.

[yeeter]

So I am thinking, through my experience that your H literally bonds with you through that intimacy. And he's most likely not using you.

I think this is good insight.  Sex for men relaxes them, and makes them feel close to the other person.  For women, they need to be relaxed and feel close BEFORE they are interested in sex.

And another subtlety... .  If the man feels he is being constantly denied sex, that means he is being denied intimacy and the opportunity to feel close to his partner.  Ultimately wanting the same goal as women, but a different means to that end. 

So a dynamic gets setup where neither are able to get what they want (the same thing ironically), and resentment builds (making it worse... .  A viscous cycle)

[downandin]

I think this is good insight.  Sex for men relaxes them, and makes them feel close to the other person.  For women, they need to be relaxed and feel close BEFORE they are interested in sex.

And another subtlety... .  If the man feels he is being constantly denied sex, that means he is being denied intimacy and the opportunity to feel close to his partner.  Ultimately wanting the same goal as women, but a different means to that end. 

So a dynamic gets setup where neither are able to get what they want (the same thing ironically), and resentment builds (making it worse... .  A viscous cycle)

I just posted about this very issue last week.  See my "Biggest Problem" post if you haven't read the details.  I am a man, but for me, I must go against the grain because I definitely need to "feel close" to my wife for me to want intimacy.  I do not feel that closeness.  Also, she absolutely never initiates either but is always on me because I don't do it.  Then I have crippling "performance anxiety" because of her previous meltdowns and rages about my inability to perform.  It is a horrible situation, and if anything breaks up our marriage, it will be this.  But I don't really have any insight, just looking for answers too. 

[CodependentHusband]

Yep... .  Different details, but loads of issues with this hot topic. Even trying to tell my wife that I want to feel closer to her is interpreted as me putting pressure on her... .  Very little affection in our r/s nowadays. Bottom line seems to be that she wants 100% control. After trying everything else, I've now been allowing her to control it 100%. My needs are going unmet, except for a few days out of the average month. On the bright side, there is considerably less acting out on her part. It would be nice to get back to a point where I can initiate at least every once in a while, but right now she seems to be doing better with things the way they are now. She has made comments a few times in the past few months that I don't touch her enough, but I know better than to take that as any real call to action on my part... .  It's just how she feels in the moment, I think.

[Silkroad]

I just want to say we are in the same boat... .  how do we survive this? i dont know... .  at least here we know we are not the only ones in the planet suffering with it... .  I never initiate and i feel like I have been used a lot... .  its always about his demands, although he says it is always my fault he doesnt feel close enough to it... it is very difficult to please him in any area and this is one of them that i completely gave up :'(