I got a text yesterday...

[mitchell16]

after about 10 days of NC on both our parts I get a text yesturday from her telling me that she was able to get her medical procedure done that she had been wiating on. This was first contact since NYE. I repsond with good. she asked how I was. I gave smae repsonse except that I had a cold. she wished me getting better. Later same evening I get a text asking me if I was feeling better and I told her i was. That was last contact I heard from her. Then gain this am She texting asking me if I was better. I told her I was. Havent heard from her since.

Is she working towards a recycle or is she fishing. Or is she just reasureing herself that im still available to her. I know its in my power to stop the recycle. but I cant figure this crap out for the life of me.

[mitchell16]

Ive decided to try it with LC. give her yes or no answers. see how this works. In the past when I went to NC it just drove her to extremes. I just dont have a clue what goes on in her brain.

[chuckstrong]

Mitchell

I'm in the same boat don't know what to try... .  We are 7 days NC now but I'm wondering when/if that text or an email is forthcoming . Vacillating between exactly what you did or completely ignoring keeping total NC ... .  I know what I've been doing the

past 4 months sure hasn't worked in any way. I think she is just trying to be sure you are

still there for her in case her new life alone or with a replacement doesn't workout. Seems very similar to my sitch tho. Me ruminating looking at her FB page with pics of us sure isnt

helping today.

Question- do you want her back or do you just want her to go away so you can move on.

I've been struggling with this for over 4months now... .  

Hang in there my man.

Chuck

[OTH]

Don't know. Does it make a difference to you? What happens if she wants to get back together?

[mitchell16]

No, It dont matter. Im guess like many others its just boggles your mind about what these people. It should have nothing to do about wether I stay or go. My mind says go go go but yet again my heart wants to stay. Even though from what I have read and what other people on this board say It just wont work. Yeah, it will to a certain extent but not as a healthy normal relationship. Its just cant. if we was married everyday I would wonder if I left for work would I come home to abandoned house or find my stuff sitting on the front pourch with a note "saying I cant do this anymore" that may seem very dramatic but I have had simlar stuff happen. This last blow up she left for work, kissed me passionately, told me she loved. 8 hours later I was the worse thing in world and I hadnt done a thing wrong. I feel sorry for people who have children with thsese people and are attached to them for life and cant just walk. At least its just me. I just was wondering what her motivations were this time. I know its hard to tell, but I just cant seem to figuure it out at all. why do I care? i dont know I shouldnt.

[OTH]

You are only 10 days nc. Give the relationship some space. It is good you want something healthier. Things get clearer with time out of the madness. 

[lessonslearned]

Things get clearer with time out of the madness. 

absolutely - your wants will adapt/evolve with your emerging health and perspective. Taking space to learn about what you need and to "educate yourself" about what path to take (in or out) is just as valid as any option. Making a choice before you're prepared to often leads to setting yourself up for recycling, regret, pendulums etc.

In my case logic KNEW that it was over even though my FEELINGS were counter to my logic. The feelings later caught up with my decision, showing that we don't always feel what's best, even when we know what's best.

I now see it as a maturity level I didn't even know I had, and that feels good to my sense of self esteem.

If you take care of you, you will like yourself more. NO ONE can take that away.

[Phoenix.Rising]

My experience is that it seems very possible to have LC indefinitely with a pwBPD.  My ex seemed open to that, but it was very difficult for me to maintain.  I might fair better if I didn't still have deeper feelings for her, and I don't know if those feelings will ever go away completely. 

In any case, maintaining strictly a friendship, if no residual feelings are present, can be quite a challenge.  There is still the push/pull.  I don't believe they do it intentionally.  It is the nature of the illness.  If you choose to try LC, I recommend getting some pointers from the staying board or you might find yourself falling down the rabbit hole again. 

I would likely continue to try LC if I no longer had strong, intimate feelings for her, but that's not the case.  I feel much more centered and better able to take care of myself, at least right now, when we are not communicating.  I found it takes a tremendous amount of acceptance and working to develop boundaries around unacceptable behaviors... and doing this while not expecting much in return.  As for fishing or recycle, who knows?  She probably just wants you to be available.  What matters is, what do you want and what are you willing to do or not do?