Hello:
Dd28 has been staying with us for about 3 weeks now. She is separated from her husband and is planning on moving out of our home with friends soon.
She has no income yet and is applying for SSI. Her friends have told her to move in without contributing financially. I sense this is not a great idea.
I tried to explain this to her today as lovingly and as I could. Well, it didn't go well. She said the real reason she is moving out is because I am driving her crazy with my questions about her life and my constantly telling her what to do. She said she can't stand me.
I have been practicing
validation since she got home but when she dwells and dwells on the same issue my
validation goes out the window.
She is obsessed with the fact that her husband blocked her iPhone which he pays for because she wasn't taking his calls. She isn't able to receive or make calls from her iPhone. This is driving her crazy. She has no money or credit to get her own cell phone and of course nothing but an iPhone will do. I can't afford to buy her one so I offered her mine. I told her I could use a cheap non-smart one since I just need to be able to text and call... . don't really need Internet on it. This was before she said she couldn't stand me.
We were in the car when she said it, so I took the advice of someone on this forum(I am sorry I don't remember who right now) and said to her: I am taking you back home right now because I need time to process what you jut said.
I could see she was perplexed haha. Yeah I have to find some humor in all this if not I won't make it. I am sure she expected my same old spill ... . You are so ungrateful... . After everything we've done for you, etc, but that didn't happen. I took her home and she didn't say a word during the drive back. I secretly enjoyed her reaction.
She has been respecting my boundaries at home concerning dd10 and I am grateful for that much.
I am also surprised and grateful that she is not broken over her separation from dh, in the contrary. I really feared this would put her over the edge. Not the case at all.
I spoke to her dh and said there is no marriage to save, you guys have been verbally and physically abusing each other for a couple of years. I told him he is not a good match for her because he brings the worst out in her and probably vice versa. I said she is not safe with you (gun to the head incident) and you are better off without each other. He didn't respond.
I see so many traits and behaviors in my dd28 that I had and engaged in in my 20's and 30's when I was probably either BPD or some other thing. I have shared here my own struggles with dysfunctional behavior of me own.
I am in a better place now, emotionally and spirituality and better able to help and support dd28.
I see that the route to take now is to offer no resistance to her moving out with friends. She is aware we cannot help her out financially if she does. The only help we can provide is a cell phone. She will have to get a job in whatever she can (fast food, etc) until her SSI application is resolved. I hear she can work part time even if her benefits are approved. That would be awesome as having a job to go to has always been a positive experience for her. She worked as a supermarket bagging groceries, at McDonalds making sandwiches and at the cafeteria of local hospital serving the food. I sense she doesn't want to do these types of jobs again.
I surrender all my expectations to the universe as I know that expect ions equal disappointments and I do t do too well with those. Its time for self care. I am grateful for a supportive husband and dd10.
Let's take good care of us.
Fondly,
Learning
