I had a couple of good days but today im not doing so well, just when I think I have accepted the fact that My uNPD/BPDxgf is ill and that the only logic is to see it as that "A Illness" I cant talk to it or change its mind or see my side of things, I cant reason with it or ask it to go away so she can be normal so things could work out. Its like asking a cold to go away or cancer to just leave, NOT going to happen.
So I have accepted she is ill and wont get better untill she gets the right help but days like today SUCK, I have been thinking all day of the " good times" we had together and how I miss her and her kids.
I keep wanting to contact her and ask ( plead or beg) her to change her mind or ask " what can I do so things will work out" , All of which are bad ideas and not a healthy way to look at things. First off, any contact with her right now would end with her insulting me in some way and me feeling more resentment and lower self esteem. Secound, begging or pleading would be pathetic of me and not good for self esteem. and third, both of us have to want to work on things. Im willing to take at least 50 % blame but wanting to take all the blame (which I sometimes do) wont work and again very bad for my already shattered self esteem. Right now she is taking zero accountabuility for her actions.
Im bouncing from sadness to anger over how things are right now between me and my uNPD/BPDxgf, sad because I wanted(still want) things to work out between us and be a family as we have a baby on the way. Im VERY angry at her (illness) because It could have worked out and Im angry at the way she is treating me i.e telling me that she doesnt want me in our house when she isn't there because I take things that belong to her, I took some sonogram pics of our baby without asking her first, really? . Im angry because she hasnt included me in any of the plans where our baby is concerned I dont even know what our daughters name will be and I dont know how the birth is going to go, I probably will have to wait out in the hall untill im allowed to see her,smh. Im angry because our house was taken from me and my son we signed the lease in aug 2012 and ive lived there for a total of 2 weeks up to now, I had to move back with my parents because of her raging so now im stuck in a small bedroom with my son while she gets a nice 3 bedroom house.
I keep reminding myself of how it "really" is with her, walking on eggshells, not knowing where I stand, the raging, the insults , the distortion of truth, the constant tests she sets me up for, not being able to relax around her and having a feeling of awful dread around her. Its pretty bad when I see a text from her and get sick to my gut wondering what she is going to say,what I did wrong or didnt do. Im actually afraid to text her about anything because she usually starts a fight, In the past before I called or texted her I would think about what i was going to say to her and go over the different responses she could have so I would be "ready" for her afraid of a text message thats new to me
. I keep asking myself why do I want to be with her?
I know there are a lot of other people much worse off than me and most of this comes off as whining and feeling sorry for myself so to those reading im sorry for the rant
