2AM and my heart is racing.

[recoil]

I just woke up and needed to vent.  Within the past approximately two weeks, I've experienced the following:

- GF told me she can't handle her two kids and my kid together at the same time.  She made it sound like my kid was the catalyst for her kids acting up.  I let it go (knew it wasn't true so I didn't let it bother me).  She then invites us over quite a few times and we even had a sleep over.  It was really nice.  I did greatly reduce the amount of time my daughter spent over there and her kids were still irritating her, which she later complained about (I bit my tongue).

- Told that she doesn't want me helping with her house (been doing a lot of DIY repairs for her) because I'll want to live there with her, a house she wouldn't be living in if not for me.  She explained it was because she couldn't bear to put her kids through another break-up (two in the past 20 months; both before I knew about uBPD).  I asked why she could accept the money I gave her for a down payment but couldn't accept my helping with repairs.  I never got a good answer.  Since then, I have gone over there and helped with a number of things, at her request -- no further word on the matter.

- Last night, there was an after-school night for one of her daughters and she didn't invite me.  I like attending these.  She told me about it but didn't invite me.  Sometimes I have to invite myself so I asked if I could attend.  She said it was RSVP only.  I don't doubt this - but why didn't she +1 me?  I didn't ask.  I said, "No problem."  I brushed it off.  I tell myself I'm not going to let it bother me.  I'm a great person and I don't need to attend all her kid's events.  I get busy at work and don't have any contact with her for a few hours.  She texts me twice to call her.  In the back of my mind, I'm hoping I'll get an invite or more of an explanation.  Instead, she tells me about this adorable 1500 puppy.  I agree the dog is cute but expensive (to me, my pocketbook is officially closed).

I don't think I'm applying the lessons correctly, especially with boundaries.  I think I'm teaching her that no matter how she pushes me away, I'll still be here.  But I think it's eating at me.

What could I have done differently?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CodependentHusband]

I understand your wanting to be included with her kid's activities. I'm married to my pwBPD and have two step-daughters. For me, I finally realized that my wife wasn't going to have me included with everything. Most pwBPD have a real hang-up about being in control. The way I've dealt with very similar types of situations is to train myself to feel differently about these types of things. It takes practice to get where you need to be with this. Simply acting not as interested won't get you the results you seek... .  You have to truly be okay with her not inviting you. When something like this comes up in conversation I may inquire for some detail, but internally I really am thinking, "okay... .  If she wants me there, she'll invite me." I know that inviting myself is only going to trigger her feelings of not being in control. She already knows that I am available for her if she wants me. No further action required on my part.

The call about the 1500 dog... .  Lol. I can relate to this. My wife is impulsive like that too. I listen to this kind of talk, and let it go at that. If she gets bold enough to actually ask, I tell her we can't afford it. If she presses further, I cut off communication about that particular topic. Gets easier after you do this several times. I've seen her do this less often now as a result.

[briefcase]

It sounds like there is some "push and pull" going on here, which is very common.  Some of these behaviors are addressed in the First Lesson. 

[Rockylove]

I find myself awake in the middle of the night at times with my heart racing... .  I replay situations in my mind until I'm absolutely squirrelly!  That's when I make a cup of chamomile tea, curl up in my chair and listen to meditation CD's  

Glad you decided to post your thoughts... .  sometimes it helps just to get it out and look at it instead of letting your mind play tricks on you until you believe YOU have done something wrong... .  There are ALWAYS different ways of handling situations and in time you will find what works best in your situation. 

[united for now]

Change takes time 

we do teach people how to treat us by the behavior we accept from them.

We also need to be clear on what our values "are", because boundaries are built on the values we believe in.

Her pushing you away is an aspect of suffering from BPD.

She can't help herself.

Trying to follow her emotional lead will leave you both dizzy and further damages the relationship. So back to your boundaries values. Spend some time examining what is important to you... .  What do you value the most?