BPDer posting as the non-BPDer?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have been reading other posts to compare experiences to my own.  I have to say, some of the ones I have read make me wonder what the split is between people with BPD posting here, thinking they are the non-BPD partner vs non-BPD posting. 

And further, some of the things I read, don't read like BPD at all.  They just sound like broken relationships.

It makes me wonder how many people have a diagnosis from a professional.

I know I sort of do and sort of don't.  The counselor who worked with me and my wife didn't do a diagnostic screening before saying she was BPD. 

And there are some unique circumstances to my story that keep me wondering if mine is just a broken relationship or if she has a disorder.

There is abuse, yes.  Is that automatically a disorder?  I know it isn't automatically BPD.

I have always more or less walked on egg shells, but is that possibly my personality?  I don't think so by the way.  I have had other relationships where there aren't eggshells involved.

Over the years, I have become a chronic liar.  Is that on me?  For example, my wife would go ballistic if she knew I were posting on a website like this.  She would tell me I am lying by not telling her.  She would also most likely become physically violent if I told her I thought she has BPD.  But... .  for that matter, she tells me I am lying when I tell her I will do something and then forget about it until it is too late.

But here's the key to my question... .  how do I know I am not the one with the majority of the issues?  I know I have some... .  and quite possibly some big ones.  I don't need to assign blame to anyone but I would like to know if my issues are causing hers, her issues are causing mine, or we just have issues.   And i don't know how to resolve that.

Counseling... .  yes.  But I feel like I totally control where that goes.  and since I have been called a liar... .  amd I addressing the right stuff?  ... .  it's a little maddening.

[thefisherman]

I have been reading other posts to compare experiences to my own.  I have to say, some of the ones I have read make me wonder what the split is between people with BPD posting here, thinking they are the non-BPD partner vs non-BPD posting. 

And further, some of the things I read, don't read like BPD at all.  They just sound like broken relationships.

It makes me wonder how many people have a diagnosis from a professional.

I know I sort of do and sort of don't.  The counselor who worked with me and my wife didn't do a diagnostic screening before saying she was BPD. 

And there are some unique circumstances to my story that keep me wondering if mine is just a broken relationship or if she has a disorder.

There is abuse, yes.  Is that automatically a disorder?  I know it isn't automatically BPD.

I have always more or less walked on egg shells, but is that possibly my personality?  I don't think so by the way.  I have had other relationships where there aren't eggshells involved.

Over the years, I have become a chronic liar.  Is that on me?  For example, my wife would go ballistic if she knew I were posting on a website like this.  She would tell me I am lying by not telling her.  She would also most likely become physically violent if I told her I thought she has BPD.  But... .  for that matter, she tells me I am lying when I tell her I will do something and then forget about it until it is too late.

But here's the key to my question... .  how do I know I am not the one with the majority of the issues?  I know I have some... .  and quite possibly some big ones.  I don't need to assign blame to anyone but I would like to know if my issues are causing hers, her issues are causing mine, or we just have issues.   And i don't know how to resolve that.

Counseling... .  yes.  But I feel like I totally control where that goes.  and since I have been called a liar... .  amd I addressing the right stuff?  ... .  it's a little maddening.

[DreamGirl]

Of course it's both.

Aren't we all a little bit crazy? 

Counseling... .  yes.  But I feel like I totally control where that goes.  and since I have been called a liar... .  amd I addressing the right stuff?  ... .  it's a little maddening

Ahhhh... .  but what might it look like if you let go of that control?

[Shaktipat]

Hi Guy,  my has not been diagnosed with anything,  and I have no psychological credentials, so I cannot say one way or another whether he has any kind of disorder at all. He became verbally and emotionally abusive,  and I gt us in marriage counseling,  which he resented,  and refused to follow the counselors advice.  I searched and searched to figure out what was going on,  and every time,  it kept coming back to BPD.  I looked up the criteria,  and he seems to match 8 out of the 9, but again,  I have no authority nor credentials to diagnose.  At this point,  I think a diagnosis wouldn't matter much anyway.  I am in therapy myself,  and I use the tools here to deal with our issues. Do I have some issues? I am sure I do,  but my goal here is to improve our relationship,  and if this is what works,  so be it.

[ToBorNotToB]

i have been where you are right now on a lot of levels. What helped me the most was identifying the behaviors and calling them 'BPD traits' rather than labeling a person 'BPD' (unless it's a clinical case). Having grown up in environments where all of the immediate family members on all sides possessed some form or another of a BPD trait, if not having straight up BPD (even though undiagnosed), it was only natural for both of us to exhibit a lot of the traits.

[cartman1]

This is a really good question. I was asking the same thing when I came, at times I do wonder. Especially when I read some of the female nons posts. Sometimes they sound just like me. Then I think of projection and 'fleas' and I think if we see the behaviors then we will absorb some of them ourselves. It's a hard one to figure out. So I'm going to let my Therapist decide. I'm just going to keep digging and tell him what I find.   

[Washisheart]

Mine was not clinically diagnosed. I have my BS in Psych, studied it alot. But still didn't recognize the symptoms in my own man until desperation led me to research. I wish it wasnt BPD, and that he was just a self absorbed, egocentri meanc, player because that would there would be hope of him one day growing up. But yet the diagnosis also gave me the understanding that there is a why to ask the madness.

Sometimes I wonder does he really have it? He doesn't ever hit me. But he through his ex girlfriend over a coffee table & choked her against a wall. I think he doesn't try to hit me because I am not intimidated by violence. However, I was verbally abused growing up, so words are his weapon of choice.

He can't have BPD! This man bouncing on top of me with this big cheesy grin on his face. No, thats my baby, thats my heart right there. He HAS to love me. Of course the memories of the cruel, inhumane, heartless things he said to me a he ripped my heart out of my chest are being suppressed. That didn't really happen, did it? (too bad all my friends can vouch it actually did).

He can't have BPD, we are hanging out, having a good time like every other normal couple! That wasn't him full of road rage driving recklessly trying to run someone off the road because they cut him off.  Well, maybe it was him, but its a testosterone thing... .  Too bad none of my boyfriends in the past acted like this. That's not my boyfriend cussing at people in the store trying to get a man with a cane to swing on him because he threw a cigarette at our car. It also wasnt my boyfriend who broke a beer bottle to fight a girl in a bar, thats just a rumor. My boyfriend act impulsively or irrationally? Never! Nor does he embarrass me as we walk into businesses & he refers to people by pet names he have them that they hate & are offensive. And when they ask him to stop he always does. Ha!

He can't have BPD, his family is all messed up & nobody understands him. Its all their faults HE doesn't want to deal with THEM.

My boyfriend is not the self centered egocentric man that I try to share my stories, my hopes, my dreams with. How dare I expect him to care? After all it should be I who is excited to hear about his plans over & over & over again  until I feel like telling him to STFU.

So, yes, whether I like it or not my bf has BPD. But what he also has is alot of amazing qualities. Because yes, that is my boyfriend who gave a homeless man his last $5 to but food, yes that is my boyfriend who NEVER passes a person with a please help sign without giving them something even if all he has on him is $1. Yes that is him who jumps when his friends need help moving, his cousin needs a ride to work, or I just got into a fender bender. He is the man who makes sure my daughter has dinner trestles of how little food there is in the house, the man who puts my Christmas lights up before I ask him because he knows how happy it makes me (well that and the neighbors already have theirs up... .  ), he is the man who wasnt too proud to wash his friends cars for $20 when he wasn't working just so he could put food on the table.

He is the man who had noone who believed in him our had faith in him aside for a VERY few because he was so different & difficult to deal with.

He is the man who can bring me as high a heaven or drag me down through hell. Its a crappy disorder. But he is the man I fell in love with. So far he is bound & determined to make it work. But like I have learned the hard way, I will just take it day by day.

[elemental]

I don't know if mine has BPD. He has traits.

I have traits.

Maybe I have BPD. I had a crap early life. My father was a real horror, abused my mother, my brother, myself to the point my mother was going to kill him one day so she left.

My father chased me through the north Texas woods when I was 4 years old at night, firing a rifle at me. He acted like he was going to ram the car into an overpass bridge when I was was 6 weeks old. With me in her arms, my mother jumped from the car. I was not injured, unfortunately she was. You get the gist.

I have gone through  many of the things here that would make a person BPD. I am AWARE and I fight the fear, anxiety, look for ways to address. Probably the old timers here who are paying attention say to themselves, thats a BPD in sheeps clothing.

Maybe.

My boyfriend... I cannot think of anything terrible that happened to him. He lived in Russia and was there as a boy when the iron curtain fell. He never says anything bad happened other than economic hardships. He is currently shattering apart.

Ultimately why are we here... .  to first help ourselves and then to help the relationship and the "official" BPD partner.

Yes, I am half nuts. I live in a world of danger and wonder.

[thefisherman]

Yes.   

I have exhibited what I would term poor executive control (affair = poor executive control, right?).  As more chaos enters my life, I exhibit less executive control (start ignoring work, eating lots of junk... .  i think I am for practical purposes addicted to potato chips and eating lots of chocolate, but I have never once in my life been overweight.  Even without exercising for the last 2.5 years... .  still 'normal' according to BMI).  But, obviously executive control isn't just a problem for people with BPD or BPD traits.

I know my wife's behavior is well outside normal.  But then... .  having an affair is outside normal too.  Right?  Of course it is. 

[BillTheCat]

I have been reading other posts to compare experiences to my own.  I have to say, some of the ones I have read make me wonder what the split is between people with BPD posting here, thinking they are the non-BPD partner vs non-BPD posting. 

And further, some of the things I read, don't read like BPD at all.  They just sound like broken relationships.

First post here.  I've often wondered this too.  I'm far from an expert or professional on the subject of mental health, but I've read posts that could easily come from the viewpoint of a BPD who thinks they are the non.

I've come in search of help because my wife has shown BPD traits.  But before I even knew what BPD was, she accused me of having it, and even bought a copy of "Walking on Eggshells" to help her cope with MY behavior. 

NOW after a little research I realize I'm the one on the receiving end of the constant mood swings, splitting, black and white thinking, verbal and physical abuse, and control tactics (hiding my keys and personal belongings).  But I'm sure my wife could selectively post about my behavior and make it look like I'm the BPD-er.

I guess this is the world we live in with a BPD partner.  Sometimes we question whether up is really up, whether the sky is really blue, and whether we are really the BPDer in non-BPDer's clothing.

[BlushAndBashful]

Something to remember, non-BPD doesn't mean "person that doesn't have BPD". It means a person that is in a r/s with a pwBPD.

It's very possible that two pwBPD are in a r/s. In a sense, they are both the pwBPD, and they are both also the non's.

On the other hand, when we post about our pwBPD behaviors, tendencies, and the "crazy stuff they did"... .  I'd say 4 out of 5 times, it sounds more like me than my dpwBPD. My ex could come here and post stories of how I stalked him, slapped him, didn't trust him, screamed at him... .  what a messy person I was and my house is a pigsty, how I wouldn't drop an argument, hold grudges, how emotionally unstable I was, how bad I am at juggling finances, etc. All y'all would swear I was 100% the pwBPD.

Do I have it? Nope. But he's convinced I do.