This isn't about you.

[cartman1]

Hey,

I have been doing some thinking today and I thought back to a talk with my T where I told him I wasn't depressed. However, whenever I hand in my the paperwork it always gauges my mood as low. I've took online depression tests and they usually say that I am moderately to severe with depression. I remember telling my mum or mom (u.s.) that I was depressed when I was about 7 or 8 and she told me that I was being daft "Kids can't be depressed." I remember bursting out in tears in school when I was about 4 or 5 and I couldn't explain why. But I just felt so alone. When I was around 12 I remember my mum giving me down the banks and I burst out crying and I told her about my hard time and she decided I was bullied in school and started digging so I said I'd had been pushed by a boy and that a teacher had shouted at me for no reason. I ended up with this boy and my teacher in school and I felt so embarrassed. The truth is I just felt really down and then kids started laughing at me because I was a tell tale.

It's as if every time I told my mum how low I felt it was ignored or I was told that I didn't feel the way I did. So I guess my emotions got internalized and I started thinking they couldn't be real. Another thing I now see is that every time I opened up I got the impression my mum thought, this is about me not you. I remember going off the rails and skipping school and I remember my Nan saying "look at your mum, she's in bits. Why are you doing this to her?" The thing is I felt really sorry for her and again felt sorry for her but when I think back I went off the rails because I didn't know who I was and I was acting out. Then I think it's as if I've got 'Everyone's worse off than you syndrome.' I always forget my emotions to cater for everyone else. Does anyone else feel like that?       

[Shaktipat]

Hi cartman,  I too,  have suffered from depression for most of my life,  and can remember feeling that way since childhood. Not constant depression,  but definitely  had it a lot. For me,  I think it comes from growing up in an abusive,  alcoholic home. I just always knew something wasn't right, and I knew that people aren't supposed to feel that way all the time. I always thought something was wrong with me,  but I think it was in response to the dysfunction.

[cartman1]

Hi cartman,  I too,  have suffered from depression for most of my life,  and can remember feeling that way since childhood. Not constant depression,  but definitely  had it a lot. For me,  I think it comes from growing up in an abusive,  alcoholic home. I just always knew something wasn't right, and I knew that people aren't supposed to feel that way all the time. I always thought something was wrong with me,  but I think it was in response to the dysfunction.

The problem I seem to have is admitting it all. My childhood Dad left when I was 2-3, mum seemed to mope around depressed drinking, loads of bad relationships. Me in my room a lot or out the house. If I was described my childhood by someone I'd agree it was bad but when I think back. I see bad events but then I think I had a good childhood. I definitely think there's so denial going on.

[Satori]

I felt the same way as a child. Every time I had a problem, my mother had a bigger one. Every time I was sick, she was sicker. I had a severe anxiety-related illness as a teenager; not only did my mother deny me treatment, she suddenly developed allergies so bad she was housebound. Those allergies mysteriously vanished once she no longer had anyone around to manipulate with them ... .  

Of course you were depressed. Who wouldn't be, living in a situation like that, being a child who has to be so anxious about mum's feelings instead of his own? We're supposed to learn compassion and concern by someone showing compassion and concern for us, not by being forced to squash our own feelings in order to avoid upsetting an adult.

[lm1109]

Unfortunatly I am 26 and I still relate...    When I was pregnant the whole thing was about her and how it affected HER and SHE just cant got through it again... so I better not get pregnant again... ugh! My childhood was VERY much the same. I wasnt beaten everyday and so I thought it was a "good" "normal"  childhood... .  like u said, so many have it worse... right? But like you I was extremly depressed as a kid and teen. I stayed in my room ALL the time. My brother called me "hermit" because I never came out. Then in my late teens I just stayed at friends houses and never went home. I was ridiculed, made fun of, treated like a little "adult" from very VERY early on. It affects you for sure. I lied about things too... .  because I was SOO depressed and felt like I needed  a "reason" why. Nothing I said to her mattered... she brushed everything off as if I was nothing. After moving out I figured out my "reason." It was the CONSTANT stress of wanting approval of the one person who should love unconditionally. The stress of wondering why that approval never came. The walking on eggshells to not upset her, not say the wrong thing, not make her blow up, not make her mad, not cause fights between her and my dad, and just not ever being good enough in general. I am a mom now. Im sure I make mistakes. But to me... .  my kids are perfection... they could never do ANYTHING to make me love them any less. It is 100% unconditional. Unfortunatly we did not have that... .  and it screws you up for life! Trust issues are huge for me. I am starting to realize though I have been waiting and waiting for her to give me something she is incapable of giving and I am lucky to SEE the dysfunction... .  so I can change it for my kids! I know how you feel... .  good luck. 

[GeekyGirl]

I remember my Nan saying "look at your mum, she's in bits. Why are you doing this to her?" The thing is I felt really sorry for her and again felt sorry for her but when I think back I went off the rails because I didn't know who I was and I was acting out. Then I think it's as if I've got 'Everyone's worse off than you syndrome.' I always forget my emotions to cater for everyone else. Does anyone else feel like that?       

Your Nan's question is very telling. You've been conditioned, apparently not just by your mother, but from others as well, to put your feelings aside for other people's needs and wants. You'll find that there are many members here who can relate to this.

I see bad events but then I think I had a good childhood. I definitely think there's so denial going on.

Remember that a lot of the messages (good and bad) that you received in childhood were subliminal. Have you done any inner child work?

[js friend]

I can defiantley relate having my feelings pushed aside when I was growing. From a very early age I learnt to keep my feelings to myself I never shared anything good or bad with my parents.

If anything got lost or got broken I would got physically punished for it. I remember that once a cup fell out the cupboard and I knew I would be in trouble when she got home so I wrapped it up and put it in the bin outside. My mom found it,  said that I had done it on purpose and gave me a good beating for it.

We werent allowed to have feelings. One expression was used a lot was "I'll give you something to cry about" so I learned to suck it in... .  happy or sad.

I used to dream of running away from home. It was no use trying to explain anything... .  it would just make it worse.My mom had a viscious temper mostly aimed towards me for some reason.She constantly told us how she wished she never had kids and we were all good for nothing. Actually she still does this now.

The only happiness we seemed to give them was any academic success which my mom loved to brag to her friends about. Of course she remembers it differently now, and for a long time refused to even talk about what we went through as children, but I know that it has impacted on all our lives now we are adults.

[Shaktipat]

Oh my gosh,  j's friend, your story is my story,  I can so relate! My parents were not BPD that I know of,  but my father was an angry alcoholic and my mother was in denial,  still so to this day. I kind of look at my upbringing as an example of what not to do to your children and make a conscious effort to not do the same to my son. I let him know that his thoughts and feelings are important to me.

[BiancaRose]

I can definitely relate to the childhood depression thing. I was mocked mercilessly through elementary school because I cried extremely easily. My mother always told me, "it can't be helped, you're just not strong" and I really believed her that I was just a weak person with no coping skills. I got the shock of my life when my tarot-card-reading friend said I made her think of the Strength tarot card, because I'm not strength, everybody knows that.

I think in my case the depression grows out of feeling responsible for everyone else's outcomes, so if other people are unhappy I can't be happy either. Intellectually I know I am doing the right thing but emotionally I feel heavily burdened by guilt because I'm refusing to fix things my parents think I'm doing wrong, even if I know they're what's best for me. I'm used to believing I'm too dumb and delusional to know what's good for me and I have it all backwards.

[Cantor]

I can really relate to your school experience, mine was quite similar! I felt quite alone. I'm still not even sure if I was depressed or not, but I definitely felt responsible for how other people reacted to me. I was easily intimidated, especially by authority figures like teachers. I was quite a high strung kid!

[waverider]

Unfortunately invalidation was once thought as a good way to teach anyone to develop, it has caused a lot of psychological damage to many people. Parents in those days simply thought that was the way things should be done, the norm, teach the kids backbone and a stiff upper lip and all that.

Psychological damage was not seen to exist, those that displayed it were simply written off as soft and probably needed more discipline to get their act together, if that didn't work they were disowned.

Survival of the toughest and all that, but the toughest only survive on the demise of the weakest.

Often if you dig deep enough into the core of those tough survivors you will also find some psychological damage, its just plated over with armour

[Satori]

Is it really that the survivors are so tough, though? I'd like to differentiate between people who are "sensitive" and people who are "weak".

I've been thinking how a lot of childrearing practices that were considered good parenting when I was growing up (and now, to some extent) are actually very invalidating. I remember as a child expecting adults to be unreasonable, insensitive, and unhelpful, and not just because of my parents, but because of my teachers. I expected them not to listen, never to give you a chance to explain, to blame things on you that you didn't do, to lump you in with the entire group instead of actually looking at who you were and how you behaved, to assume you weren't trying or listening if you had a problem with your work, to call you "bad" if you struggled in school, to call you a tattle-tale if you tried to speak up about real misbehavior, to blame you if you were bullied, to punish you for not having a smile on your face ... .  I think it is part of mainstream parenting still to have an us-versus-them mentality toward children. People assume even little babies are manipulative and out to get their parents, and babies that need more holding and reassurance are called "bad". "Good" babies have no needs beyond a bottle every four hours and three clean diapers a day.

[waverider]

Is it really that the survivors are so tough, though? I'd like to differentiate between people who are "sensitive" and people who are "weak".

TBH I have found many who appear to be tough are actually weak or damaged, as that tough exterior is just to fears out. Sensitive was always considered weak, but that also is no true. You can be sensitive and strong. Just because you can feel things others may not doesn't necessarily mean you cant cope with it.

Truth is people are not that black and white.