Crisis and Enlightenment

[The White Lady]

I had an amazing day with my DxBPDh yesterday.

Brief History of Him:

-Born in Maryland

-Multiple Childhood Traumas

-Intermittent Childhood/Adolescent Commitment til age 21

-Became Alcoholic

-Pharmaceutical and Talk (not sure of any specific type) therapy

-9 year relationship with another BPD started with abortion against his will

-Lived in Mother's basement, still binge drinking when disability check came in

-Started relationship with Canadian (Me)

-Travelled to Canada and decided to stay

-Got Married

-Went of meds and discontinued therapy because of guilt over cost in Canada while waiting for immigration paperwork

-Downward spiral led to prolonged binge, unacceptable behavior, and eventually domestic assault

-Deported to USA, living in NY state, having to live with wife in another country

-Homeless

-Applied for Welfare, and started Abstinence program including 3-4 group sessions/wk and bi-weekly meeting with counsellor (who he really related to and was helping him face his illness too)

-Got a room in a horrible 16 room hotel, rife with roaches, addicts, and people screaming at things in their head at 3am

-Had a cat follow him home, and fell in love with it.

  So at Christmas, we both caught the flu. It was pretty bad, and we were both really sick. After I left he went back to his program, and they administered a routine urine test. Last Friday they informed him it came back positive for alcohol. The test is designed to measure even small amounts of consumption within 84 hours. He explained that he had been sick and taking cough syrup, which didn't fly.

  Yesterday the proverbial s--- hit the fan. I got a call from his counsellor telling me (over him yelling in the background) that he was going to have to go to rehab or be deemed non-compliant and ejected from the program. As he was recommended to the program by the Department of Social Services that meant that if he didn't go to rehab he could stand to lose their support.

  I spoke to him briefly after the counsellor and urged him to go to rehab despite his concerns about not having anyone to look after his cat. He was frantic. Talking about getting a job, trying to get into a job placement and work-preparedness program. Just telling them all to go f--- themselves.

  When I got off the phone I bought a pack of smokes (I'd quit on Christmas day due to that flu) and shaking uncontrollably when out of the building. I could see it all coming: the anger, the blaming everyone (including me), diving back into the bottle (because after all he was found guilty, so might as well enjoy the crime!), refusing rehab, getting kicked out of his place, and being back in a shelter - being right back where we were 8 months ago! I mentally pushed it aside in order to finish my day, and went back inside - heavy heart, and worried mind.

  Then he called me. I am not allowed to take phone calls at work, so I was thinking this was the beginning of a rage-fest ("How can you still be working in that s---hole when you know I need you?". Instead, he knocked me off my feet.

  He left he office, went home and called DSS. He found out that if he went to rehab we would retain his standing with them... .  but if he didn't, not only would he be sanctioned for 45 days, but he would then have to reapply, and wait a further 45 days. Not only would he lose his cat, but also the appliances I bought for his room, his books, DVD's and CD's, and everything else he couldn't carry. He could take the laptop I bought him for Christmas, but couldn't reasonably expect to not have it stolen in a homeless shelter.

He said "The choice is clear. I'll have to go. Even if it means giving up my cat." He was calm. Even. In control of his emotions - not letting them dominate him.

  I was beside myself, I wanted to cry. It had been less than 4 hours since he got the news, and the storm that normally would have lasted days or weeks was over. He was seeing options, not blame. He was seeing plans, not revenge.

  We went on to have a great night, and managed to find a neighbour of his who is stable enough to watch his cat, and willing to do so.

  Even now I am amazed... .  and so very much in love. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[Chosen]

Wow that's an unexpected change of tone!  Do you think it's possible this news has hit him hard and forced him to accept reality as it is, no blaming anymore?

[The White Lady]

  I'm not sure... .  but that's a good possibility. He started down the old pattern yesterday for about half an hour, but came out of it very quickly.

  He had started in about how my family never accepted him, and how my Father has never acknowledged his own alcoholism (which is very true). It started a self-pity train of "why me" why didn't he ever have to deal with this? why didn't his own father? why weren't they labelled "alcoholic" or "wife-beater". My father never laid a hand on my mother, but his father (when he was alive) was very violent, sending his mother to the hospital on several occasions. So I said, "but your father was a wife beater".

  This gave him a focus for his anger. I instantly turned black for calling his deceased father a wife-beater. "How dare you talk about him like that, you never even knew him!" He then threatened to end our marriage, and tell me how other women he dated were better than me (same old stuff). I've heard all this a hundred times, so I didn't really get angry this time - but I recognized the pattern.

  I told him, you are not angry at me. You are angry at this situation, and are having trouble expressing that anger because there is no one to blame. We were typing on Skype by this point because he refused to voice with me after I insulted his father. I typed out what he had actually said, and pointed out that I had merely agreed with him.

*poof*

  He realized what he was doing, and apologized.

[2013-01-14 7:29:01 PM] Ron: the Devil is always trying to f--- us up in the details of his world

[2013-01-14 7:29:52 PM] Ron: Forgive me

[2013-01-14 7:30:04 PM] Ron: I know him all too well

[2013-01-14 7:31:05 PM] Ron: He and I walked hand in hand way too long for me not to recognize why my hand's burning before it's too late sometimes

[2013-01-14 7:31:22 PM] Ron: Not proud at all bout that

[2013-01-14 7:31:55 PM] Ron: sometimes it can be quite a benefit to know an enemy so well tho

[2013-01-14 7:32:21 PM] Ron: what's the old adage keep thy friends close... .  

[2013-01-14 7:33:02 PM] Ron: Anger, Resentment, his two biggest ploys for me

[2013-01-14 7:33:30 PM] Ron: Those too feelings give me a ~ ton of passion

  He then went on to tell me some good memories of his father, and we started voicing again, and enjoyed the rest of the night. I was kind of left with a "what just happened here" feeling but rode it out. Normally nothing would have stopped a rage like he was on.

  He really is changing. I'm not sure how or why, but he is, so I'm going to ride it out with him, and try to do my part. It may just be as you said Chosen, the shock of reality. He's had a lot of reality in the past year and a half. Maybe it's finally enough to make him accept it, and stop railing against it, I don't know, but I feel so lucky.

[Auspicious]

Hi TWL ... .  I was wondering if you've had a look at the Lessons?