Blindsided by nice behavior - can anyone tell me how to respond?

[keolani]

I have been in knots for the upcoming arrival of my mother following her abandoning me and my 5 year old son when she had been living here to help us after my husband died of cancer. Long story short: She had stayed 2 weeks or so a few times while my husband was in the hospital over the past year, cared for my son and the house. And done a good job and held it together. I thought she was in a place where she could help me. I asked her to come stay longer as my husband was getting really bad. He died about 2 weeks after she got here. She lost it after he died. Was horrible to me. Finally left without saying goodbye - TOOK my husband's car (she was using it while here as she had totaled a brand new car my brother gave her WITH my 5 year old son in it) and just left in a fit of anger. I told her no contact. However, I did want to get the car back as its not yet in my name yet I hold the insurance on it. I told her if she brought it back and waited until I had title and could have the expensive stereo system removed, she could have it. Its worth maybe $2,000 and I just wanted to feel like I had at least helped her out some way -- and I had told her after my husband died that she should consider transitioning to her own place now and I would give her the car if that would help her find a job and get a place. But, both times she said she didn't want the car. Fine.

Fast forward a week, she texts says "OK, if you're just going to sell it I'll take the car" I text back "Fine, but you need to bring it back to me so I can take care of the title, insurance and the stereo system before signing it over to you."

She brings the car back today. COMPLETELY new paint job, repaired dent, total overhaul. Looks like a brand new car. She says "This is your Christmas present" (My AUNT paid for the repairs btw) I said "Mom, this is YOUR car." She says "Yes, well, when I had the repairs done I wasn't going to keep the car."

I seriously don't know how to respond to this. Its insane. Also, she brought me and my son hundreds of dollars worth of Christmas presents. My enabling aunt is here, too. (my mom lives with her) She is acting like none of this is strange or weird. We literally haven't spoken -- only texted -- since she left prior to Christmas. How do I respond to this? Do I give her the car? My son's godfather wants to buy it for his own son... .  its worth a lot more now that its been fully restored. Its just bizarre. Anyone have any insight?

[Justadude]

Death makes people do strange stuff.

Yeah she's got BPD alright. I don't want the car unless you are just going to sell it. That's manipulation to make her feel better about you helping her. It's weird.

As for Christmas... .  It's the season for giving and family members often feel guilted into giving and pretending to be family when it's only once a year. That's my opinion from my family. My family is screwed though so maybe I'm not good to be giving you this info.

I can empathize with your situation because you want to be nice, have been tryi to be nice, but it's all twisted. I been there. My advice follow what your heart says to do and do it. First get through all that emotional manipulation.

[ambi]

Hi keolani:

I don't normally post on this board, but I wanted to check in and make sure you made your way here and get the support you need.  Your post, however, brings back memories.  My mom was raging at me within hours of the funeral for not hiding my grief.  She never was very empathic and she gets overwhelmed if I have strong emotions. 

You've been caretaking your late husband, caretaking your little boy, and caretaking your mom.  Who takes care of keolani? 

I'm glad you found bpdfamily.com.  You'll find a lot of support here.  Hang in there, keolani. 

ambi

[BiancaRose]

My instinctive reaction:   RUN!

In my experience with my own uBPD mom, lavish giving is usually a prelude to some kind of emotional manipulation. It can also be an attempt to make sure she has the leverage to FOG you. In the aftermath of my divorce, my parents have been really helpful to me - offering financial assistance, buying me groceries and cat food, making special trips into town so they could help me run errands in their car (since I no longer have one). When I refused to do something they demanded because it violated my boundaries, they turned around and used their help against me: "after all we've done for you, you can't even do x, y, & z for us?"

It's also possible, imho, that she's trying to buy your son's support and love by giving so lavishly. It could be my own personal baggage talking - I've certainly got enough of it! - but I always worry that my parents will one day try to manipulate my kids into siding with them against me, so they can then use the kids to deliver messages that will get under my skin: "why can't we see Grandma more often? she's always so nice!"

What you want to do with the car and the presents is kind of a tough question for me. I tend to keep the gifts and then make sure I mind my boundaries, and if they try to guilt me I calmly point out that gifts don't come with strings attached. Not certain this is the best strategy, though, since I usually end up racked with guilt anyway. It's probably a pretty personal decision based on where you are psychologically. But definitely proceed with caution.

[Eeoye1]

OHHH yeah...

I get it.  My mother does this.  Lavish gifts... .  and I mean lavish.  When it suits her.  Otherwise she can't be bothered.  I think Bianca-rose is a super smart cookie.  However, when my mother does stuff like this I just roll with it.  She can try and "collect" what she thinks is her 'due', because she did something nice, I just say no.  She kinda huffs and puffs.

I say take the car... .  it's yours for crying out loud. 

I am so sorry about your husband.  Take care of yourself.